- Joined
- May 20, 2020
Jack Scalfani is a talentless, incompetent chef wannabe who, due to insurmountable hubris, lost the use of a limb, permanently damaged his health, and has yet to learn how to correctly navigate a kitchen. Despite his ever-decreasing view count, he sees himself as a beloved YouTube chef/cook, on par with Chef John, Uncle Roger, Cowboy Kent Rollins, Guga (who, like Jack, is possessed by a Wendigo, but at least one that can cook), and Andrew Rhea/Babish.
With over 15 years of documented forays into the culinary world, Jack has yet to master superhuman concepts such as heat control, using the right tool for the job (and using it correctly when he gets this far), making substitutions, or actually following a recipe. Despite calling himself a "foodie", Jack has four, very simple criteria with which to judge any food that touches his lips: quantity, amount of meat and/or cheese, how strongly any of the five basic tastes can be felt, and a bonus of spiciness, the value of which resides in the fact that it keeps his wife from even trying to taste whatever he is currently inhaling. Contrary to his claims of being a gourmand, Jack's senses are blind to subtle flavors, smells, temperatures and textures, and his descriptions of food seldom wander far from "It's good", “You can really taste the [MAIN_INGREDIENT]", or “It’s really [ingredient]-y”. As you read this thread, keep this in mind: Jack is mocked, not because he is a bad cook, but because he has been a consistently awful one for well over a decade.
As anyone with the patience and willpower to actually watch his videos can attest, Jack does not actually cook all that often. With a preference for canned, jarred, pre-made or -prepared anything, from shredded lettuce to sauces, his culinary process is closer to combining or assembling than actual cooking. Excuses usually vary between prohibitive costs (because spending $2 making a sauce at home is more expensive than buying the same thing for $6 at Sam's Club), and being a show for "average people" (who, apparently, only eat canned or otherwise processed food, and own little to no kitchenware). Even his own abomination of a barbecue sauce uses industrial grade tomato ketchup and mustard as main ingredients.
Those with a keen eye and sharp mind may look at these descriptions, and conclude that such apathy and disregard for one's job are a sign that someone does not care at all about what they are doing, and they are probably right. Jack did not start his career as a YouTube Cook out of love or respect for the culinary arts, but rather as a means to hawk his line of shitty, overpriced sauces and jerky. However, due to the initial success, having a reliable source of attention as a raging narcissist, and probably falling into a sunk cost fallacy, Jack has held onto this career for a decade and a half at this point, with no known plans to give up and waddle into the sunset. If Jack has any passion at all in his life, it would be for eating, not cooking or food.
Among other things not done by Jack, are taking responsibility and admitting mistakes: no matter how badly he fucks up a recipe, he always knows, from the moment a dish is plated, that it is flawless and absolutely delicious. If, somehow, he failed in producing his usual ambrosia, it's because the pan is magically too cold/hot, the atmospheric humidity is not ideal, or Jupiter is in conjunction with Mercury in the 9th quadrant. Jack often cuts the video the moment his food enters his mouth, to avoid showing the world the ever-growing regret in his eyes. When he fails to edit the video correctly, there is a cycle, in the range of a few seconds, that can be easily observed: he undergoes the five stages of grief as his ego recovers from the shock of not undergoing apotheosis via burnt under cooked chicken, before lying through his teeth about how delicious the latest atrocity is.
Jack tries to keep up a nice, wholesome, “fun, friends and family” image of himself and his content. As one wise man once said, however, no plan survives contact with the enemy. In this case, Jack’s enemies are Jack himself, and reality. Once you gather, in the same individual, thin skin, impatience, hatred for and immunity to criticism, and mindless political fanaticism (made worse by the fact that he used to be fairly neutral/apolitical), you get passive-aggressive sniping, curt responses, gaslighting, and outright whining and bitching if anything less than praise and adoration of his words and works is perceived.
This, along with his extensive list of failures and abhorrent behavior, are what cement him as a risible individual.
With over 15 years of documented forays into the culinary world, Jack has yet to master superhuman concepts such as heat control, using the right tool for the job (and using it correctly when he gets this far), making substitutions, or actually following a recipe. Despite calling himself a "foodie", Jack has four, very simple criteria with which to judge any food that touches his lips: quantity, amount of meat and/or cheese, how strongly any of the five basic tastes can be felt, and a bonus of spiciness, the value of which resides in the fact that it keeps his wife from even trying to taste whatever he is currently inhaling. Contrary to his claims of being a gourmand, Jack's senses are blind to subtle flavors, smells, temperatures and textures, and his descriptions of food seldom wander far from "It's good", “You can really taste the [MAIN_INGREDIENT]", or “It’s really [ingredient]-y”. As you read this thread, keep this in mind: Jack is mocked, not because he is a bad cook, but because he has been a consistently awful one for well over a decade.
As anyone with the patience and willpower to actually watch his videos can attest, Jack does not actually cook all that often. With a preference for canned, jarred, pre-made or -prepared anything, from shredded lettuce to sauces, his culinary process is closer to combining or assembling than actual cooking. Excuses usually vary between prohibitive costs (because spending $2 making a sauce at home is more expensive than buying the same thing for $6 at Sam's Club), and being a show for "average people" (who, apparently, only eat canned or otherwise processed food, and own little to no kitchenware). Even his own abomination of a barbecue sauce uses industrial grade tomato ketchup and mustard as main ingredients.
Those with a keen eye and sharp mind may look at these descriptions, and conclude that such apathy and disregard for one's job are a sign that someone does not care at all about what they are doing, and they are probably right. Jack did not start his career as a YouTube Cook out of love or respect for the culinary arts, but rather as a means to hawk his line of shitty, overpriced sauces and jerky. However, due to the initial success, having a reliable source of attention as a raging narcissist, and probably falling into a sunk cost fallacy, Jack has held onto this career for a decade and a half at this point, with no known plans to give up and waddle into the sunset. If Jack has any passion at all in his life, it would be for eating, not cooking or food.
Among other things not done by Jack, are taking responsibility and admitting mistakes: no matter how badly he fucks up a recipe, he always knows, from the moment a dish is plated, that it is flawless and absolutely delicious. If, somehow, he failed in producing his usual ambrosia, it's because the pan is magically too cold/hot, the atmospheric humidity is not ideal, or Jupiter is in conjunction with Mercury in the 9th quadrant. Jack often cuts the video the moment his food enters his mouth, to avoid showing the world the ever-growing regret in his eyes. When he fails to edit the video correctly, there is a cycle, in the range of a few seconds, that can be easily observed: he undergoes the five stages of grief as his ego recovers from the shock of not undergoing apotheosis via burnt under cooked chicken, before lying through his teeth about how delicious the latest atrocity is.
Jack tries to keep up a nice, wholesome, “fun, friends and family” image of himself and his content. As one wise man once said, however, no plan survives contact with the enemy. In this case, Jack’s enemies are Jack himself, and reality. Once you gather, in the same individual, thin skin, impatience, hatred for and immunity to criticism, and mindless political fanaticism (made worse by the fact that he used to be fairly neutral/apolitical), you get passive-aggressive sniping, curt responses, gaslighting, and outright whining and bitching if anything less than praise and adoration of his words and works is perceived.
This, along with his extensive list of failures and abhorrent behavior, are what cement him as a risible individual.
If you have Internet access and even a passing interest in cooking and culinary, it is likely that you have stumbled upon some of Jack's finest creations, such as the Church Chili and numberless variations of Salmonella Chicken. Such results are not easily achieved by a minimally competent cook, and are based on a few core tenets.
1. More food = more good
Quantity has a quality all its own, as Josef Stalin would say. A sentiment shared by Red-Blooded 'Murrican Christian Patriot Chef Jack Scalfani. Quantity, on its own, ultimately and eventually solves all culinary quandaries.
2. Quantity ≫ quality
In keeping up with the first principle, never invest in quality when the money can be used to increase the quantity of available food. There's no reason to buy a pound block of good cheese, when the same amount of cash will net you a five pound bag of wood pulp-laden, pre-shredded, cheese-flavored edible dairy-based foodstuff.
3. REAL MEN do not need sissy, silly stuff like instructions, temperatures, amounts, ingredients, or knowing what they're doing.
When in doubt, eyeball it. When doubt does not, or even should not, exist, eyeball it anyway. In accordance with the first principle, "eyeballing" starts at least at three times the recommended amount in the recipe. Make sure to spread seasoning unevenly, if you do it at all, so you can savor vastly different flavors and textures in the same recipe.
4. Fast food is good food
So, turn up the heat to 11 and forget about the temperature dial, and nonsense such as "different cooking methods". Why waste time and resources "properly" cooking food when there is idiocy to be posted on social media? If a chicken can be correctly cooked by sitting in an oven for 60 minutes at 450 ºF, surely it will also be just fine when you throw it in a crowded frying pan for 30 minutes at 900 ºF.
5. Your food is good
You* drove to the supermarket to buy the ingredients. You* paid for them. You* took them home and prepared them. You** cooked, filmed, and edited everything. After all that hard work, surely nothing would taste anything less than heavenly. Don't let the detractors tell you otherwise.
*Mommywife
** Actually you this time, but still with a lot of help from Mommywife
1. More food = more good
Quantity has a quality all its own, as Josef Stalin would say. A sentiment shared by Red-Blooded 'Murrican Christian Patriot Chef Jack Scalfani. Quantity, on its own, ultimately and eventually solves all culinary quandaries.
2. Quantity ≫ quality
In keeping up with the first principle, never invest in quality when the money can be used to increase the quantity of available food. There's no reason to buy a pound block of good cheese, when the same amount of cash will net you a five pound bag of wood pulp-laden, pre-shredded, cheese-flavored edible dairy-based foodstuff.
3. REAL MEN do not need sissy, silly stuff like instructions, temperatures, amounts, ingredients, or knowing what they're doing.
When in doubt, eyeball it. When doubt does not, or even should not, exist, eyeball it anyway. In accordance with the first principle, "eyeballing" starts at least at three times the recommended amount in the recipe. Make sure to spread seasoning unevenly, if you do it at all, so you can savor vastly different flavors and textures in the same recipe.
4. Fast food is good food
So, turn up the heat to 11 and forget about the temperature dial, and nonsense such as "different cooking methods". Why waste time and resources "properly" cooking food when there is idiocy to be posted on social media? If a chicken can be correctly cooked by sitting in an oven for 60 minutes at 450 ºF, surely it will also be just fine when you throw it in a crowded frying pan for 30 minutes at 900 ºF.
5. Your food is good
You* drove to the supermarket to buy the ingredients. You* paid for them. You* took them home and prepared them. You** cooked, filmed, and edited everything. After all that hard work, surely nothing would taste anything less than heavenly. Don't let the detractors tell you otherwise.
*Mommywife
** Actually you this time, but still with a lot of help from Mommywife
Aunt Myrna's Party Cheese Salad:
Salmonella Chicken, also known as McCormick Bag 'n' Season:
Bison Burgers:
And, left out of the podium by a matter of not being infamous enough, are his French Onion Soup, Pulled Pork Sandwiches, Church Chili, the aptly named Garbage Stew, dips, corndogs, and the Non-Newtonian Fluid Chicken, aka General Tso’s Chicken.
Salmonella Chicken, also known as McCormick Bag 'n' Season:
Bison Burgers:
And, left out of the podium by a matter of not being infamous enough, are his French Onion Soup, Pulled Pork Sandwiches, Church Chili, the aptly named Garbage Stew, dips, corndogs, and the Non-Newtonian Fluid Chicken, aka General Tso’s Chicken.
This is how it all started. The Alpha. The Genesis of Jack. The Start of Scalfani. The birth of blubber. The...
Ahem.
After being fired from his cushy and easy job of radio DJ for acting like a rebellious teenager, followed by an unsuccessful career in an artist management company, Jack decided to flex his entrepreneurial muscles. With varying degrees of help from his brothers, Charles and Jim, multiple startups were created and failed miserably (just take a look at FightCloud, one of the few we know of). Due to the Scalfanis' Spray and Pray strategy, however, one managed to become mildly successful, and Jack held on to it: a line of misleadingly-named sauces and jerkies. Business started small, with the products being sold online on Jack's Amazon Store and on butcher shops and marketplaces in Jack's native Orange County, CA. Jim took a professional risk, and managed to get it stocked on Do It Best (a hardware store, and his employer). To promote the company, Charles suggested a cooking channel on YouTube, which, over the course of a few years, turned what looked like a garden-variety fat boomer into a full-fledged lolcow. By 2013, the Scalfanis' products also managed to find their way into Walmart and Kroger's.
As with so many things Jack does, it was/is terrible. So terrible, in fact, that Jack himself would not use the damn thing if he could avoid it. There is very little known about the jerky, but the BBQ sauce, specially, has reached infamy: it is overpriced, low quality, generic, industrial-grade ketchup and mustard-based sugary slop:
Jack narrates the birth of his idea to sell generic BBQ sauce as an exceedingly retarded redditor trying to sound "epic":
As for the marketing, harken the words of semi-pro copy editor stets:
Nowadays, his sauces are all but lost and forgotten to non-Jackonnoisseurs. Their creator no longer promotes, or even talks about, them. The trademark expired in 2019, and has remained untouched since. Its main retail sellers, Do It Best and Walmart, stopped stocking it in late 2021 (probably due to low volume of sales). As of now, Kroger's still has it in stock, as well as the Amazon store.
In August 11, 2015, during its second ever episode, the West Texas Investors Club reality show featured our beloved beached beluga blabbing about his baneful breadth of sauces. To test Jack's mettle and product, the hosts tossed him into a BBQ competition with an actual Texan Pit Master. Upon seeing how utterly incompetent and disorganized Jack is, one of the hosts (Mike 'Rooster' McConaughey), in an attempt to salvage the episode, stepped up to the plate and did most of the work for Jack. Even with this unexpected help, Mushbrain's sauce failed miserably, and its creator tried to excuse himself by bringing up the “recent” death of his mother, which happened four years before the filming. The hosts tore into Jack, accusing him of coming to the show just for the publicity, and making him cry on national television.
A disgusting subseries in the Cooking with Jack channel, that can be seen as a warning that even less effort than usual was used in its production. It is supposed to be simple and cheap recipes; in reality, it’s cooking approached from the perspective of someone who has given up on life. Most recipes can be described as "gather the ingredients (or approximations thereof), throw them in a pan, mix ingredients, throw pan into fridge/oven until desired temperature is achieved, eat".
Take, for instance, this classic: the Lazy Man's Lasagna:
It's horrific but, with a considerable amount of goodwill, it can be sad this is, in some gnarled way, related to a lasagna.
Often, the lack of effort transcends mere culinary barriers, and turns a whole country's cuisine on its head, as evidenced by the plate of nachos that are the Lazy Man's Tacos:
And, of course, sometimes it just blasts through common sense and straight into Manmade Horrors Beyond Your Comprehension territory, such as can be seen in this lazy attempt at omelette, an already exceedingly simple dish:
As previously said, Jack has some base beliefs that guide his cooking process. One of the most easily observed is his aversion for instructions of any kind. Recipes are rarely provided, complete, or credited: amounts, proportions, portions, cooking times, temperatures, order, or anything that goes beyond "now you mix/add the X with/to the Y" are not something you should count on. That does not mean recipes are not used; rather, they are an indictment of his laziness, pride, and stupidity. Not only are many of his presented recipes stolen, he does not even bother to change the name or minimally alter the recipe to claim some originality: a simple Google search of the recipe in the video's title will often lead you directly to the page hosting the original recipe.
Here are a few samples of his constant theft:
| Original Recipe | Jack's Version |
Smoked Chicken Noodle Soup | ||
Alabama White BBQ Sauce | ||
Smothered Pork Chops | ||
Sausage and Kale Stuffed Spaghetti Squash | ||
Lazy Man’s Christmas Soup | ||
Julia Child’s Tuna Sandwich |
Contrary to what his bluster indicates, Jack does feel some shame, and gets self-conscious about his horrid culinary creations and lack of artistic skill. Which is why he often stole thumbnails from other creators to make his videos more attractive:
Coffe maker review:
Smothered Pork Chops (original image and thumbnail):
Of course, this is a mere distraction from reality. Only a damaged or inattentive mind would not recognize the sheer difference between the proposed and produced results:
Skinny Chicken and Broccoli:
Jicama French Fries:
Laziness and mediocrity elevated to an art form. Consists, mostly, of fast food, tex-mex, chains, generic strip mall eateries, and literal gas station food. Decent restaurants manage to sneak in every now and then. Perhaps surprisingly, Jack rarely complains about the quality of the food (not that he can assess it). But, since Jack's ideal eating experience is getting a Golden Corral buffet delivered to his living room sofa for ten bucks, Jack complains nonstop about prices, service, portion sizes, workers, other patrons, expected dress codes, music, needing reservations, parking... on top of that, The Nicest Guy on the Internet™ also abuses staff, films others (including minors) without their consent, often shoves his phone into people's faces, and is generally obnoxious.
Actual good places often get lower scores than corporate cardboard, since they serve human-sized portions or are not as cheap as Jack wants.
Recently, he has taken to blaring crappy copyright-free music to avoid copyright strikes due to background music
Thanks to @Rod Dangerous, we have an inkling on how much Jack spends in fast food on a monthly basis, and it is all probably written off as business expenses.
Jack is a typical wishy-washy Christian: he does whatever his animalistic desires dictate, and then uses the Bible as his shield and pike when consequences come a-knockin'. There is also a lot of religious virtue signaling in his social media, specially on facebook. These, in and of themselves, are not THAT lolcowish, being fairly common traits among a significant portion of the population. His choices of church, however, are.
When we first meet him, Jack is a member of the Cornerstone Church, known as "The Murderchurch". Why, you ask? It was lead by Maury Davis, a convicted, unrepentant murderer, who stabbed a Sunday School teacher to death, and slit her throat to such an extent that she was nearly decapitated. While high. Because he spilled paint on himself, in a manner that can be only described as "somehow". And Jack, the man who would strangle and kick out his firstborn for smoking pot, felt an unexplainable kinship with this man, to the point of choosing his church as his own. On top of that, Cornerstone also had problems with animal abuse, pedophilia, and insurance problems resulting from the kiddy-diddling.
Later on, as Davis stepped away from Cornerstone, Jack felt empty without a dark mirror being held at him. Which is why, in March 2022, he abandoned the Murderchurch, but not its bloodline: Robert Gallaty, the pastor at the Long Hollow Church, Jack's new dwelling, is Davis' son. As a sidegrade, this church condones murdering homosexuals among its teachings instead of Palestinians.
The Scalfani clan is, for most intents and purposes, composed of living American stereotypes. Add to that a lovely family that wouldn't pass the shopping cart test, and you have a recipe for disaster nervous horrified laughter.
- Tammy "Mommywife" Flanders Scalfani:
- Jack's wife and tugboat/life buoy combo. Has been funding Mushbrain's YouTube career and fast food addiction for two decades. The Mommywife moniker comes from the fact that Jack treats her as a child would a mother; the nickname gelled in mid-2022, when Jack actually referred to his mom as his wife. Tammy has grown increasingly and visibly fed up with Jack's antics in the last few years. She actually managed to lose quite a lot of weight (even though she found it later) when doing the Profile by Sanford diet, which just goes to prove how much Jack lies and eats on- and off-screen. Hates her stepson Garrett for being another woman’s son, and instigated his expulsion and dressed it up with drugs as an excuse. The plan was to let him be homeless for a while to “put him right”, but it failed when Jack’s parents welcomed him in their house. Even now, when he visits, Garrett does not stay with the family due to Tammy not wanting him around Jr.
- Garrett:
- Famous for being beaten and strangled bloody by his own father for smoking pot. Was subsequently kicked out of the Scalfani household at the age of 16, which ultimately proved to be a blessing in disguise. After being expelled, he stayed for a while with Jack's parents, whom he loves more than his own: Garrett openly idolizes Jack's stepfather, and sometimes takes potshots at Daddy Dearest. After getting kicked out, got hooked on opioids and suffered from gallstones. Garrett is the family's black sheep, in that he is somewhat likeable and successful in life, having made quite a bit of money selling jewelry and, more recently, weed (legally). Suffered a car accident and was wheelchair bound for a few years but, unlike Jack, he did something about it and managed to do a full recovery, losing weight and kicking off his drug habits in the process. His demeanor is a little strange and air-headed; probably fried his brain by smoking too much of Satan’s Sassafras; has a fashion sense straight out of Woodstock’s Lost and Found bin.
- Jack Jr:
- Flew under the radar until he reached his 18 years old, which were celebrated by proposing to his High School girlfriend like stereotypical white trash. The legal marriage occurs on July 12 2020, the religious ceremony took place on September 20 of the same year, and was live streamed on Jack's YouTube channel. Surprisingly (or maybe not, as we shall see in a few moments), there wasn't, and still isn't, a baby in the works. Junior is, for all intents and purposes, a wigger, complete with hand tattoos and a failed career as a (Christian) rapper. Got accepted into college, but decided to dodge it for unknown reasons. Suffered from a parabolic career path, entering the workforce as an assistant manager at Chipotle, getting a cushy nepotistic job in the HVAC industry due to grandpa's help, lost it in less than a year, and took on the role of a 7-11 manager afterwards. Keeping up with the family tradition, joined the Murderchurch, and moved to Long Hollow after Davis left. Is known for his penchant to take creepy candid photos of young boys. Might be the first legacy lolcow to grace the Farms, once Jack Sr. finally goes to the big deregulated smoker downstairs.
- Charles:
- The only heterosexual Scalfani brother. Normal-ish individual, programmer, was involved in several (and failed) entrepreneurial projects with Jack, and is ultimately responsible for the birth of a lolcow by suggesting CWJ as a way to peddle sauces and jerky. Constantly needles Jack on his health, cooking, hipocrisy and habits.
- Jim:
- Estranged brother who, unlike Jack, got out of the closet. Not much is known about him. He helped Jack and Chuck’s sauce business by getting it on Do It Best's virtual and physical shelves, and seems to have a successful career.
- Mystery Sister:
- Not much is known about her other than the fact that she exists. Good on her for keeping away from this mess.
- Obese
- There is a clear and observable decline in cognition. While Jack has never been the sharpest spoon in the landfill, he was at least capable of expressing himself in a somewhat clear and articulate manner;
- Mentioned in livestreams that he has high cholesterol and uses a CPAP machine;
- Used to be a smoker;
- Half-tamed boozehound: allegedly stopped consuming alcohol for religious reasons, at Tammy’s behest. Still gets giddy when an opportunity to buy and use booze in a recipe appears; said alcohol usually mysteriously disappears afterwards. Used to drink quite a lot in the past, as evidenced by allegedly not tasting alcohol when drinking a glass of eggnog that is 1/3 booze;
- Has suffered multiple strokes
- It is assumed that the first was this one, which he managed to dodge with no repercussions;
- The first official stroke was blamed on caffeine and energy drinks, which he still drinks due to his very active lifestyle of planting his ass on a couch and doomscrolling through social media 18 hours a day;
- The second official stroke, attributed to EEBUL sugar and carbohydrates, impaired his whole right side and permanently crippled his dominant arm. The stroke cannot be fully blamed for this disability, as Jack refused to take the prescribed medications and do physical therapy, deciding that God-bothering alone would cure his limb.
- On early 2023, Kiwi Farmers prepared themselves for the loss of a reliable lolcow as Jack suffers his 4th stroke, accompanied by a heart attack. The Wendigo, refusing to leave the comforts of such a vast and well padded home, keeps him alive and proves Bruce Dickinson and Steve Harris right. This event takes away most of the mobility on his left arm, and binds him to a wheelchair; after nearly two months in a nursing home and, it is assumed, physical therapy, Jack can barely stand on his own. Through his constant bitching on social media, we indirectly learn that he has no allergies.
- Jack's feet are destroyed, because he busted both Achilles tendons by merely existing;
- His sheer gluttonous existence also fucked up his back;
- Had half of his thyroid removed due to a growth
- The new revised Anarchist's Cookbook presents: Botulism bombs (now removed from YouTube);
- Hernia;
- Started an actual dietary plan, Profile by Sanford, in early 2021. Jack not only failed to lose weight, but actually managed to get visibly fatter by mid-2022. Unlike him, Tammy managed to lose some weight temporarily, so props to her.
In order to feed his frail ego, Jack lies to himself and others. A lot. Take, for example, his product reviews: he will often imply, if not outright say, that he is being sponsored by this company or that brand, in order to feed the illusion that he is a beloved celebrity of the food industry. While there have been some true and honest sponsors here and there, the majority of reviews consist of him buying the product and badly reviewing it while implying how beloved he is by the food industry. Infamous examples of "sponsorships" include Profile by Sanford, World of Warships, and .store. Actual sponsors, like Farberware and Hello Fresh, are few and far between, because he can screw up things to the point of requiring legal action.
As pointed out, following instructions or learning how to to something properly are foreign concepts to Jack. In spite of these facts, he considers himself a technology expert, and has a channel that is ostensibly dedicated to high-tech endeavors, while getiing excited by, buying, using, and evaluating infomercial gadgets and thingamajigs. His "tech" reviews consist mostly of overpriced Chinese plastic and smartphone shovelware. Mr Techtime considers himself a guru of the information era, and will show you his expertise by failing to use an Easy Bake Oven, asking church ladies to deal with trivial facebook issues, getting his facebook pages hacked multiple times due to poor information security, and being unable to block marketing robocalls.
Like so many tech illiterates, Jack is an Apple consoomer. To further prove this point, he (with Mommywife's money and consent) spent 3,500 dollarydoos on a brand-new Macbook in February 2022 for his YouTube career; the only things that went further since then were the decline of the quality of videos, audio and edition.
- The only thin thing about Jack is his skin. He does not tolerate ANY degree of criticism, parody, mockery, or anything that isn't sheer adulation of himself and his works. He often abuses DMCA strikes to damage content creators in order to bring down unfavorable content or hide the many stains of his past;
- Was allegedly invited to star on a TV show hosted by a “mystery chef” in late 2021, allegedly turned it down (as if a positive attention-starved narc would refuse such an opportunity) because he thought it might be Guy Fieri, whom he does not respect because "he walks around in a large entourage". In reality, it’s more likely that Jack is still pissy because, way back in 2010, Guy did not “get back to him” on the smoked jam Jack calls a sauce;
- Unironically follows/signs up for newsletters of fast food chains, so he can stay up to date and plan when to eat the latest corporate slop;
- Uses frozen garlic for some inhumane reason;
- Was obsessed with ketogenic diets from early 2018 to mid-2022. Ate carbs all day every day anyway, and consequently has never actually seen ketosis;
- Does not like heat in his food, adds peppers anyway because it stops his wife from touching his food;
- An interesting podcast: Jack defends bombing Palestine, Tammy says she abandoned her previous boyfriend because Jack looked like someone with a career plan and prospects;
- Both Jacks seem to dislike dogs. They still got some anyway in 2022:
- Jack Jr got two, Chief and Luna, in early 2022; after a few months, they were given away because, it is assumed, Jr did not bother take care of them, and his wife Brianna simply hadn't the time to do so between working, studying, and taking care of the home and the younger Scalfani manchild;
- Jack Sr got his Kandy Klaw on Hope just before Jr gave away his pups. Hope is a a beagle/collie mix from a puppy mill bought as a purebred, and cost Tammy US$ 1400 because the IQ of the whole household is in the single digits. After hitting diminishing returns on Internet asspats from puppy exposure, Jack now neglects and mistreats the poor animal;
- Hope is completely untrained, which makes her misbehave, which in turn makes Jack angy despite all of it being his fault;
- Keeping up the tradition of neglecting anything remotely important in his life, he does not play, pet, walk, or interact with Hope at all if he can avoid; it is not surprising, then, that the poor pup seems to be speedrunning depression;
- Culinary hoarding:
- At least 12 smokers, at a calculated cost of 5k USD;
- 23 grills (that we know of);
- God only knows how many condiments, spices, herbs, seasonings mixes, salts, gadgets and toys are strewn about his kitchen.
- Has an obsession for things that share his name (Jack Skellington, Jack Daniels, Jack in the Box, Hungry Jacks…), like the stereotypical narcissist that he is;
- Quora used to be one of his stomping grounds, in which he was as useful as his right arm. Most responses could be boiled down to "Google it", nonsense, or idiocy;
- Likely received a Cease and Desist order from Bitmoji for plastering his cartoon self all over his merchandise and channel icons. He then proceeded to further downgrade the appeal of said merch by plastering his actual mug on it;
- As much as Wendigo jokes are thrown around, Jack has actually said that a life without meat is not a life worth living;
- Doomer/prepper tendencies;
- QAnon believer;
- Was bitch-slapped by the Julia Child Foundation for his horrendous "Julia in June" series;
- His blatant homophobia might be an overreaction to his own struggles with homosexual tendencies.
If you are going to read this whole thread, don't. Read the highlights, and keep your eyes peeled for posts of the following, highly entertaining individuals:
Adamska's video autopsies of Jack's cooking, and the resulting descent into madness.
captkrisma's livestream play-by-plays.
Other commentators: Spasticus Autisticus, Unenthused, Aaway, EnemyStand
Related YouTubers:
August the Duck
Pink Chicken and the Lazy Man (rubytintedchix and TheLazyMan, respectively)
Rob Milanowski: The Most Wholesome Troll You'll Ever Know
Adamska's video autopsies of Jack's cooking, and the resulting descent into madness.
captkrisma's livestream play-by-plays.
Other commentators: Spasticus Autisticus, Unenthused, Aaway, EnemyStand
Related YouTubers:
August the Duck
Pink Chicken and the Lazy Man (rubytintedchix and TheLazyMan, respectively)
Rob Milanowski: The Most Wholesome Troll You'll Ever Know
Jack Russell Scalfani
157 Trail Ridge Drive
Hendersonville, TN 37075
Phone: 7143304703
157 Trail Ridge Drive
Hendersonville, TN 37075
Phone: 7143304703
YouTube Channels:
Cooking With Jack (Disgusting attempts at cooking)
Jack on the Go Show (Fast food reviews, mostly)
Techtime (Technology and reviews)
Eye to Eye (Religious rambling)
F as in Frank (Dead) (Conversations with his brother)
Jack Scalfani (Dead) (Personal vlog, gaming)
Letters from Jack (Dead) (Another personal vlog/commentary channel)
Finally, Jack is fat and I would not have sex with him.
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