so I'm on tinder just for fun, laughs and good times. matched with this 25 year old guy calling himself 'Declan'. in retrospect, a very Aidenish name. Declan is slighter and more delicately boned than I generally prefer but is very cute and fit and seems fun, groomed and well presented from his profile. there's actually a video of him dancing in a club that is pretty fucking camp - a red flag really, but I'm trying to be more open minded these days and consider he's just goofing off and it's more proof he's a fun and laid back kinda guy. a couple of his photos have obviously been edited a little, but that's pretty standard these days. there's no close ups but close enough to pass the initial screen. solo shots only, but that's okay, I can find out his height later. there's a typical beach pic in board shorts...but he's facing away from the camera. he has a nice back, which helped my decision to match.
he looks "vaguely Mediterranean" so his odd texting style I put down to english as second language. there's a lot of that out there as my city is popular with travellers. they have a slightly quainter way of phrasing things and will use endearments like 'love' and 'honey' without really much meaning behind it whereas native english speakers would tend to only use terms like that in more emotionally invested relationships. they're a bit more 'romantic' in their flirtation style. so Declan's messages are along these lines and I figure he's just a typical sweet talking European who's still grasping the language.
so after a couple of light back and forths over a few days - which, in hindsight, were suspiciously chaste - he suggests meeting up and I say what I always say - video chat first. gotta make sure people are real and that I am actually attracted.
so from the very first second the call connected, something was off. he had the phone on a surface below him, so he was looking down into the camera. he was looking "casually" away from the camera as the image came up, and then turned and looked down at it in a very deliberately "cool" way. it all felt like a very staged moment. now look, a lot of people are uncomfortable getting on video and will go to some effort to control conditions (me included). so I can pass people being a little bit awkward, especially at first. but the second he started speaking and I heard that nasally vocal fry every nerve jangled and and an alarmed inner voice shrieked TRANNY! IT'S A TRANNY!
I have a lot of experience with TIFs. I'm very familiar with the particular quirks of their characteristics. Declan is hitting all of them. I can see instantly he's very short (dealbreaker for me). MAJOR gay face - soft and femmey looking despite the (patchy, I suddenly realise) facial hair. okay, but some men just have faggy looking faces. they can't help it. I notice his jawline and overall bone structure is a lot softer than his photos had really shown, and his nose is rounded and snubbed in a very female way. I suddenly realise the positioning of the phone is to make him look more masculine - which is something real males are concerned with too, so not necessarily proof of anything. A short beard that is thin and doesn't go all the way up his jawline - although this could be a possible styling choice, or because he is still young and it's filling in. the lispy, slightly higher-pitched yet croaky voice. the mannerisms - not just the flappy wrist and girlish hand gestures, but the self-consciously 'masc' posture and studied nonchalance. I have seen this in TIFs a thousand times - an imitation of male body language and mannerisms that nonetheless is repeatedly betrayed by their fundamental femaleness unconsciously breaking through. it gives them an overall quality that can only be described as faggy.
but that's the thing. many gay and very real male people also have these characteristics, and they are the actual people this stereotype is based on. I know males who are effeminate and camp exist. I have been in their presence as much as I have been in the presence of TIFs. I also know that some men are just small and have more delicate features. and that men of meditteranean backgrounds often come from deeply homophobic environments that will compel them to pursue women against their underlying desires.
I am really confused, totally unattracted regardless (I cannot stand faggotry in straight males, or at least in the ones I get intimate with), and kinda want to get off the call immediately, but politeness (and maybe a little morbid curiosity) keeps me there, responding to his questions.
even the way he engages in conversation with me doesn't ring as typically male. tinder is hook up focused, and guys tend to be flirty and a little cheeky sometimes. banter is a big part of building attraction. getting to the point - when do we get face to face - is the standard.
but Declan wants to have a full 'let's get to know each other' conversation. he's a little awkward and inept, but he sincerely tries, which is admirable to be honest - none of this is easy, so I'll give him props for the effort. in contrast to the typical guys I match with, who tend to talk about themselves (I know the intention is to prove why I should be hot for them so I think it's cute), Declan stays focused on asking me about myself. problem is, that he asks questions like "so tell me about your hobbies and interests', which are forced and unnatural. for me the video chat is really just a quick hello to screen and ensure the potential for attraction is carrying on from the photos; I way prefer to have more indepth conversations in person. I don't like being on calls for ages in general anway, and I really hate 'fifty questions' style conversations that feel more like interviews. even this performance of expressing interest in me rings more female. I get even more turned off and know I need to wrap this up asap. there's also not a shred, that I can detect, of flirtation or sexual agenda there. my mind is still grasping for explanations for the bizarre mix of signals it's getting and I consider that this may just be a guy, possibly gay, seeking friends on tinder as some people do. but no, his profile said he was a straight man hoping to prove this app can work. what the fuck is going on with this guy?
the thing is, he is perfectly nice and respectful and so I don't want to be rude or mean or needlessly callous. I'm not attracted so nothing will be moving forward, and I'm contemplating how to end the call as kindly as possible. he is actually a native english speaker who was born in this country, which puts his more romantic texting stye into a totally different light and I'm concerned he's the type who gets invested too quick (although he could also just be saying things the way he thinks women want to be talked to; I shouldn't be too naive)
I always flag upfront that I work a LOT and don't have a lot of time (and no time to waste), and that day I had worked twelve hours and had told him over text that I was pretty tired and the call was just a vibe check. but it's obvious really quick that he doesn't want to get off the call as he keeps pushing it forward. I have been studying him the whole time, trying to figure out whether this is indeed a TIF or just a very unusually effeminate male. thing is - despite everything else, his shoulders are quite broad. and that's a very male characteristic. if he IS male, I have NEVER known a straight man quite like this. and I have known many an effeminate straight man. in my general experience, straight male effeminancy is distinct from gay male effeminancy. but that's just my experience. if he IS male, I am absolutely certain he is very gay and very in denial. or maybe not in denial. maybe this whole thing is some weird joke or odd experiment. anything is possible on the internet. I just don't know what to make of it all. I just want to get off the call.
as kindly as I can, I awkwardly interject that I'm really tired and need to go to bed. he immediately makes a shocked passive aggressive comment about how short the call has been. it's been about five minutes, which is four minutes longer than I generally prefer. I say goodnight and get off the call and immediately start making a screen recording of his tinder profile while narrating the whole thing to send to my BFF. as I'm doing this, he is messaging me complaining about how short the call was and asking if I'm going to bed. whatever the truth about his backstory, he seems sincerely intent. I'm studying his photos now and his physique really does look very male, even as is face is 100% TIF. in that beach shot, his hips seem very straight, unlike the usual rounded hips that TIFs cannot hide. that video of him dancing, on closer appraisal, is so fucking camp that I should've known better than to match. could've saved us both the awkwardness. I am totally unsure, I just know something was off about it all.
I straight up contemplated asking him if he was trans, both in the call and through text, numerous times. but as I said - he was perfectly nice, and if he was really male that would be sooo offensive and rude. but the way he set off my tranny alarm also made me angry to think of him possibly being deceptive in this way and wanting to confront him about it. in the end I opted not to - I just didn't want to be offensive in that way to a possibly male person who was guilty of nothing except being a bit unacceptably faggy for my sexual/romantic tastes, and a little too desperate.
but that voice...! that characteristic fry that I know so well... those girly mannerisms... the patchy beard and cute little Disney Princess nose!
I ended up just unmatching him, ghosting him essentially. I wish in retrospect I had been a bit kinder and at least said I wasn't interested in pursuing anything, but I was in a stressed out and slightly angry mood and just wanted to be done with it. I still really don't know what to think. I just know that more and more trannies are stealthing on dating apps.
