This is the right take. A long term committed, relationship can absolutely be sustained with the understanding that it needs nurturing. It grows and changes, and each stage can lead to a distance appearing, particularly with the challenges of children, but as long as the base is solid, and you have the same outlook on life and the same goals, these drifts are an opportunity to come back together and fall in love all over again. Communication is key.
I wish I'd learned these things much earlier than I did. I was fortunate to learn it at all -- and extremely fortunate to learn it before it was too late, but our society sends us very different messages. They repeatedly tell you:
- When you get tired of your partner, there's always a younger, hotter one out there to replace them.
- You shouldn't tolerate any errors. If your partner disrespects you or doesn't meet your needs completely, trade them in for that younger, hotter one.
- The only person you owe anything to is yourself. If your life isn't as good as you believe you deserve, get yourself a new life. A new life partner is the fastest way to achieve that.
- You don't owe your children anything. They owe you. If they aren't making you happy, dump them and dump their mother/father. Get yourself a new partner and new kids. It's all bound to work out perfectly the next time around.
These messages are reinforced continually -- by books, television, cinema. Politicians of all sides -- was it Newt Gingrich who dumped his wife while she was in hospital undergoing cancer treatment because he was ready to get married to his current mistress and make her wife number three?
I often wonder how I managed to get through my own midlife crises -- of which I had many, all of which were at least as stupid as Rekeita's. (OK, perhaps not QUITE that stupid, but not far off.)
I've mentioned before that my wife was an observant catholic. Another woman would have dumped me at the first misstep. She believes marriage is for life. That wouldn't stop her divorcing me if my behaviour had been utterly outrageous (and if there'd been no feeling between us) but we were both clear that if that happened, she wouldn't remarry. And it made me much more cautious because I believed that if I divorced her, I'd be condemning her to being single for the rest of her life.
Loyalty is important to me. It's one of the core values. If somebody shows me loyalty, I'm going to try my hardest to reciprocate that. My wife was extraordinarily loyal.
I had a good relationship with my kids and I cared about what happened to them. I've said before, my wife was a divorce lawyer. She was forever coming home with terrible stories about how nice people, people just like us in a million different ways, were completely fucking up the lives of their kids because they were going through a divorce and neither side seemed able to put the needs of their children first. Even if I could have done that to my wife, there was no way in hell I could willingly do it to my kids.
So we muddled through. Me screwing up in a million different ways, small and large. Her being pissed off with me. But for all our failings, we still liked and respected each other so we never quite reached the point of tearing each other apart.
But if I was doing it all again, I'd do it very differently. I'd recognize that there's some stuff that should just never be on the table. Hanging out with friends/colleagues of the opposite sex? That's a no-no. There's a reason earlier generations wouldn't tolerate that shit.
But the main thing is that need to work on your ongoing commitment to each other. You can't just neglect it and hope for the best. We've always had very different lives. Different interests, different friends, etc. When the kids were young, we'd go on holiday together, but we don't usually. We like different things. She'll go camping. I need a decent hotel. But none of that has to get in the way of your commitment to each other and how you reinforce that.
Also, don't neglect the sex. There's never been any shortage of women out there who are ripe for the picking. That's one area -- perhaps the only area-- where Drexel is correct. Loads of married women feel neglected, not desired any more by their husbands. At the point at which women are reaching their sexual prime, men are starting to feel worn out. It's really easy to turn their heads with a kind word or a casual glance. You need to stay on top of that shit. Make her feel wanted.
When I see people screaming at Nick, 'Pull up, pull up', I do feel for him. I recognize his stupidity in myself. I was fortunate insofar as I did manage to pull up, before it was too late. But I think it was more luck than judgement, so I'm not holding out too much hope for Rekieta.
