dont have anywhere else to post this so here goes. please dont make fun of me 'teens
I have to start going to work again. I feel alone in this world. I just found this place a feel days ago. I feel somewhat abandoned, but this is because I'm mentally ill. No one will take care of me when my mother dies. I'm sorry for the long post and the sad thread. I apologize to all heyurians here, and I hope no one who knows me that could get hints of who I am with what I'm about to post sees this. I feel like nobody, whom I care about and have an interest in, that I can feel I could rely on and live with for the rest of my life, will ever love me back. But first I must start by saying how horrible I am as well, a hypocrite who probably, possibly, deserves all of this. First I am a retard that easily likes people. I know this ever since I exist, that I'm weak, that I love people intensely. I already expected this kind of behaviour from myself.
Well... let me explain my pains, even though likely no one will care or people will even find it disgusting and that I deserve worse: I learned about imageboards ever since December 2014, I'm a newfag of that era (and I'll always consider myself one, out of respect for the culture, though I honestly am a good anon). I was happy then. In 2018 I came upon discord and in early 2020 it was the time I came upon the first tragedy in my life. Just so you guys know, the first time I ever posted I was 18, because I always respected IB culture, so I first posted (replied that is) in 2017, otherwise I lurked for about 3 years (since I started in 2015). Well, in 2020 I met a person, at the time I did not know it but it was a boy. I had (internet) friends, and a very close one, a girl, my best friend at the time. I was a huge troll back then, so I joked around, laughed, and baited people (but not retarded type bait, just made them angry 'cause it's funny). This boy was a nice person (and he kind of is really, but we'll get to that later), but the thing is that he said he was a girl. I honestly doubted that and already expected it to not be the case, but instead to be a dude trolling. Regardless, "she" was very very cute. It's a long long story to tell, and I don't want to talk about it since the intention of this post is just to vent about what worries me, and possibly log my thoughts (as I will come back later, will write why shortly). Anyway, the thing is that I didn't want to get too close to this boy but just maintain him as a friend, I genuinely liked him as a friend. He insisted that we be dating instead, and so I gave in. I hated erping at the time and I also totally hated traps, to the point of parroting "traps are gay!". He made me like erping because "she" was a horny cunt and said very lewd things to me. Now, I'm someone sensitive and with high imagination. I can feel stuff if I think about it, and I can visualize it. Not only that but I'm very very shy and absurdly introverted, and I also like femdom. I am somewhat of a pervert and also a bit of a lolicon. "She," said she was 14yo, and where I live it's not absurd, plus I was just 20, while my grandma already started having kids when she was 13 so I don't see how this could ever be absurd. Regardless, with time I got to love this stupid faggot, as I first started dating with him out of pity since he said "I'll never find someone that will love me". We eventually broke up for real in late 2021, the start of 2022, time is a weird thing for me now that I think about it. He said it was all fake, and this hurt me badly. He is the reason why I'm short of breath when I run up a hill, and I know my heart got physically hurt 'cause I sometimes feel horrible chest pains, and I also have trouble breathing, which I never had the way I do. In 2019 I played Unteralterbach, and this is when I became a lolicon (I was a fierce anti b4). Well, continuing, in 2022 I entered a server, which is where I met my current best friend, due to curiosity since a retard had sent me a link to it. I thought of ignoring him since I was already depressed back then, constantly thinking of "her" (at this time I had already made him become a straight dude and also religiously converted him because I genuinely worried about him being doomed forever, didn't want that), but ultimately I said fuck it and joined. This was rather one of the best decisions of my life, but also one of the worst, as this is where I eventually met this girl. She is my unicorn, but I'm in no way someone cool, nor will ever be in a short period to truly impress her and make her crazy for me. I'm poor, I have to work so I have no time, and I have so many things to learn... Anyway, she lied to me a bunch of times, to be honest, and we started as friends but she eventually grew on me for whatever reason which I will never understand. I still hold feelings for her. I'm gonna cut short to the chase and say I'm a /pol/ack, meanwhile, she is an /x/ user, which has always been my dream to meet and marry a girl from /x/ cause I'm into that shit. Anyway, she, self reportedly, loved me for a while, but then lost interest. I still do hold feelings for her, but I'm trying to kill them off, with some very minor success. Instead, I tried to, well... hit it off with my best friend but, like her, it seems he is too popular and, I don't know, isn't interested in me. And I'm not gay, I don't like men in any way, nor do I even like traps, I just am "demisexual" and apparently "pansexual" but I hate those stupid terms, demisexual not so much since it just means being normal, romantic, emotional investment and trust = love, which seems very much a good and normal, natural thing to me, but pansexual is too much, plus I normally like women (that means that my natural feelings are only for women that I see, and I don't seek anything else when I do look at porn, for example, or when I see something in real life). I do admit I find a few femboys cute, but ultimately I couldn't ever really marry them and have kids, which is my deep deep desire. Plus I wouldn't want to lie to one just because I felt horny one time, repeating what I did with that first boy, whom I only really stayed because I didn't want to hurt his feelings (and this was very stupid on my part, I admit I was weak and retarded). Well, the real thing is that, thus, I think that not even if I "became gay" (only for him, and this would be betraying my mindset, morals, religion, etc) I could have someone for myself. And I do have a girl that likes me but I simply don't like her, she's not cute enough nor has a good genotype that I'd like to see passed on to my kids together with mine. She has a cute voice and she has a rather cool mindset, plus is very very interested in me, which I find cute, but I rationally, and emotionally, don't want to marry her. I do occasionally get horny so I've been fapping to very weird and questionable stuff as of recently (ever since about 3 years) but those are only in my head really, porn has stayed the same straight shit.
Well, overall what I mean to say is that: I'm ill, no one will fix me, I'll die alone and no one will take care of me. It seems that indeed I'm just a stupid retard, without anyone to live with and that I can deeply love and relate. I know I'm not a snowflake, and I'm somewhat suicidal, I just really try to combat the thoughts but with this, I don't see reasons to continue. I will literally have no one to live with because even this girl that likes me I cannot trust. My family is weird on both sides. So I'll just eventually die, as I will have no one to take care of, and no one to take care of me and love me. I don't want to go to work tomorrow/today, I feel horrible. I don't want to keep living at all. I can't love anyone.
