I’m not out yet to anyone but you guys. Im autistic, I’m almost 32 years old, im married, and I have always wished I was a girl. I wasn’t even aware until like 6 months ago of what being trans actually was (thanks Republicans). No kids, don’t want them. been married for 11 years to my high school sweetheart, raised and grew up Christian as did my wife. We have both recently realized we are both ace, and we have tons of gay and trans friends. We prefer them to straight people, and she and I truly hate all men. We both had childhood trauma relating to purity culture, religion, abuse and a general lack of getting any needs met, which I’m certain is adding to the difficulty of all this.
Sex has always been weird and hard. We waited until our wedding night. I was a virgin. We were 18/19. Neither of us get off to porn, however I do have a sploshing/wam fetish, and while it’s always been one of those things I did to my wife, we recently discovered it’s ME who wants to be the messy girl. I don’t want to watch it, I want to experience it, as a woman. I always have.
We had a GREAT messy session some months ago (I got messy, she just helped hand me stuff), but the next morning when I dressed up again (I was feeling safe enough to dress up again and show her a dress I liked) she had this look, and asked me “do you want to be like this… forever?” And while I think I was wrong, it felt confrontational, and I immediately backed down and said “I don’t know yet.” She then talked about how she married me, a man, and she didn’t want everything about her life to change. She was then terrified of her conservative parents (we have gone no contact for a few years, unrelated reasons), but more so of my conservative folks because we do have something of a relationship with them and we get along really well. It just really hurt me that her first line of defense was “I don’t wanna lose your parents too” but I know where she’s coming from. She also mentioned my voice doesn’t pass and that when dressed up I still look like a man wearing a dress, etc. kind of just rattling off anxieties about it, which I understand. She was saying these out of observation and caution, not accusation, but it still hurt. She then apologized and said stuff like “some lgbt ally I am” and “wtf im such a hypocrite” but we just didn’t talk about it again. I continue to have my messy girl sessions, she’s aware of them, she will even suggest some outfits or messy foods, but she doesn’t contribute anymore. We put these sessions together on pause until we can talk about it with our couples therapist. It was scary, I wasn’t ready for her question, and I didn’t know how to tell her “yeah… I do want this forever…” but I didn’t say no, I said “I don’t know yet.” I then asked her directly if she’d divorce me if I was trans, and she said “no, probably not, I don’t see myself with anyone but you”. I think during this time she also said “I’ll love you no matter what your gender identity is” but I feel like I’m remembering that wrong (thanks inner critic).
So I’ve been going about questioning this completely on my own. It’s not that I don’t want her involved, I’m just afraid she’s going to get confused or upset and I’d rather have my mind made up first. I just… I don’t know how I could NOT be trans.
I’ve always loved women and the energy they have. While men around me would complain (my father would say “ugh there’s too much estrogen here!) about being around women, it’s all I ever wanted. They’re so nice, friendly, beautiful, everything good about humans. But I was sheltered and didn’t have hardly any friends, so I never got to socialize as a kid much, but I always wanted female friends. I just liked being around them. All of my crushes in childhood were similar and girly, and looking back I had a really tough time not copying them and their attributes. Even how they wrote certain letters fascinated me and I wanted to write like that. I didn’t know why then, but looking back they weren’t crushes. It was gender envy.
I’ve been “self-conscious” since day 1. I’ve hated my hair, freckles, hands, eyes, nose, chin, arms, legs, feet, etc…. Or at least I thought I did? Since I started dressing up myself for these sessions, I’ve learned I don’t actually hate any of my features. I hate them on a man. When I’m dressed up, all my anxious features give me RELIEF. like holy shit, I am so glad I have stupid tiny hands with pink little fingers. They caused torture throughout adolescence, but now… now they cause my happiness? I see my cute hands and smile. I’ve never experienced that before?! Then I realized “ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. It’s not self consciousness. It’s dysphoria” and since that realization, I’ve been on a journey towards liking myself again.
I’m also a Christian, and wrestling with “how tf can I be a trans Christian” was a LOT of work, but I’m at a point where I’m completely secure that it’s not a “sin” and it’s not immoral. At least thats behind me.
I also am 100% certain I want estrogen and I want bottom surgery. Cum has always severely grossed me out, erections gave me heaps of dysphoria as a child. Not because it was too small or too big, just that it was THERE. i even have a weird posture because I stand specifically to try and make it less visible. I used to tuck it between my legs as a kid all the time for “fun” and pretend I was a girl. God I hate having a penis. I don’t want it, and I don’t want to produce semen! I don’t want kids, and my wife doesn’t either. Any my wife doesn’t care about my penis! She’s said, as an ace woman, when I pull my pants down, “yep. There it is. Thats a dick, you have one. Good for you.” We have sex a few times a year, usually me going down on her rather than traditional stuff. We are both such subs too lol. For hormones: I’ve spent my life not feeling enough, and I want to feel more. I have a striking memory that won’t go away of me on Christmas as a 12 year old, telling myself “is this really it? I just got all that I wanted, but where’s the joy? Why am I not feeling *more?* I feel like I could but my brain is missing something to make it happen. Why cant I cry at movies? Why don’t i cry at concerts?” Etc etc. i need to cry, I’ve had a lifetime of pushing down my big feelings and they are BEGGING to come out. Oh yeah, boobs are cool, I’d like those.
I just don’t know how to come out. I’m 32 years old, I know it’s not too late, but I’m already so timid and sooooooo not a person who asks for things or has needs at all. I’ve spent my life being an afterthought, and the idea of making myself be a forefront to everyone’s lives is terrifying. I wish I could snap my fingers and be the girl I’ve always felt like, but I know I have to go through this. I just don’t know where to start. We are in couples therapy, and each of us in individual therapy. I’m not out to anyone. I have a group of very good, close friends that I’m planning on coming out to: two girls about to get married and their ftm roommate/bff. My wife has said things recently like “what if you just made a really big change” and I asked what she was referencing but she stayed vague. Does she know about the egg prime directive? Is she obeying it now? I don’t know man
I’m just so fucking scared. I now know what it’s going to take for me to pursue my own happiness, but god fucking dammit, of course it has to be like this. Of course! I’m autistic, I hate socializing, I hate being seen, I hate being heard, I hate existing, so naturally my happiness has to lie somewhere where I have to go through all of those difficulties to obtain it.
I just want to live this life as a girl. I want it more than anything
