Feel lost
So me and my wife are in the middle of separating (reasons unrelatedto my gender identity issues). I’ve been the only adult in the house for 5 days while she’s visiting her brother (just me and my toddler son), and it’s given me a chance to start exploring things again after he goes to bed.
Earlier this year I opened up to her about me possibly being trans (jury is still out), and I received mixed results. She was willing to make small concessions (ok with me shaving, doing some “girly” activities like face masks and such), but when I expressed a desire to experiment with make up and some mild cross dressing (starting with underwear) she drew the line and I shoved it all back down again, like I have for my entire life.
The last 5 days have been interesting. I purchased a bra and panty set that actually fit for the first time (lol) and i picked up some light make up and painted my toes. And it feels great!…but then it doesn’t. Making me feel lost. I have these moments of euphoria then moments of disgust. Unfortunately through the years my secret crossdressing has been intertwined with fetishization and lots of porn and sexting (I think bc I was so repressed), and this has resurfaced as well the last 5 days.
There are things that have made me feel euphoric - smooth legs and torso, penciled in eye (lol), the red lipstick against my blue eyes - but there’s also been disgust - mostly when I think about trying to present in public, or when I consider my son.
The desire to Crossdress and fantasies to be a woman have been with my since pre-adolescence. Hell, I’ve had this Reddit account now for over a year. There is clearly something large piece of me attached to this idea of being trans/crossdressing/femme, but I don’t know what to do.
Admittedly, every night I have smoked a little weed before I’ve dressed up. And it’s lead to some immense feelings. The mornings are weird though. I slept in my bra, panties, and yoga outfit last night. When I woke up I didn’t necessarily feel disgusted, but I felt like a phony, and a man in woman’s clothing. But when I realized my bra fit perfectly last night, it was like I was on the moon.
All this to say I’m feeling very confused and conflicted. I’m not fully happy being a man, but I’m not sure I could be fully happy as a women. I’m afraid I would feel like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Like I would be lying to myself and those around me. I feel like as a man I’m damned either way. Damned to live with this secret and to always want to be woman but damned bc I know I’ll never truly hit that goal or be accepted in society as one. Does this resonate with anyone? It’s left me feeling lost and frustrated. Definitely will be talking this out with my therapist this week. I think I’m also going to focus on some dressing while fully sober and listening to what my heart says then.
Would love any feedback or support! Thanks girls!