An unsent letter to my childhood friend.
Dear <redacted>
It's been about a year since you decided to block me. A year since you called me being trans "cringe", "disturbing", and "fake", and screamed about not wanting me in your life. I have had a long time to think about things. A very long time. The last seven years of my life have provided me with a ton of changes and given me a long time to think about my place in the world. You were my best friend for four before that, and I always thought that my happiest days would be spent with you at my side. Yet, a year later, they haven't been. I don't know how to feel about that.
Back then, when I first started looking into tulpas and fell down that rabbit hole of the metaphysical side of the internet, I opened my eyes to some inarguable realities. The first of which was that I don't know how the world works. These things didn't fit into my worldview. It was madness and delusion, I thought, and yet they worked. I was wrong.
Which made me question the second. What it meant to be "normal". Why I held myself to the standard of being such. Whether I actually wanted to be that. If I was okay with not being that. It is -- in hindsight -- not a hard concept to grasp. Yet, I was going to have to sit down and figure out what I wanted from the world, what kind of life I wanted to live, and if getting that was even possible.
You are right about one fact, in all your mad rambling before you shut me out. I am not the same person you made friends with a decade ago. That was <DeadName>. I am Vera. Those are two very different people, both in our heads and in how we express ourselves.
As Vera, I'm proud of who I am. I'm optimistic and genuinely want a better tomorrow for myself and those around me. I'm extremely extroverted, and I care about the people around me to a fault. I enjoy the sillier things in life, I think there's no greater use for the time on this Earth than being spent with friends, smiling, laughing, and having fun together just for the pleasure of being around each other, and I am genuinely hurt when I am alone. I love stories, and writing, and wearing dresses and cuddling my plushies.
As <Deadname>, or <Old Username>, or G, Whatever name you give them, I am critical, and highly perceptive. I find no greater pleasure than learning exactly how something works and using those tools and understanding to create or to find an advantage in situations I am otherwise an underdog in. I am highly competitive, and while I'm not the best at things, I certainly don't back down from challenge. I'm fascinated by programming challenges, enjoy learning new skills, and like nothing more than fully saturating myself in whatever hobby of the week I've chosen, from Pokemon challenges to map and level design, or 100%-ing some game, spending hours making pixel art, or speedcubing... I find satisfaction in being a jack of all trades.
As time moves on and Vera becomes the more dominant personality between the two of us... I'm sorry that you see that as a bad thing.
We didn't "find echo chambers". We built communities, met thousands of people, and learned just how varied a normal human life is. We gained an appreciation for individualism and, over time, have discovered what it means to hold an identity. We thought about our values and our place in the world, and I dare say we have a deeper understanding of that than you.
I have had a journey of self-discovery that took me across the country and back. Every community i've built, i've lost. Every truth I thought was undeniable was proven false before my eyes. Every belief I held was questioned, and every aspect of my life was strained to a near breaking point simultaneously. And still, I fight to rebuild my life. Because I learned to be prideful in who I am.
Call me cringe, at least I am myself. Call my voice fake, my co-workers and clients can't tell. Call me insufferable and mentally sick, at least I do more than sit around all day playing video games, eating food from the same place I work at, dating some high schooler you work with because you don't know how to meet other people. At least I'm not a neck bearded, moronic, stick-in-the-mud incel like you! At least I grew up after high school!
... I could have so easily turned out like you. If I had bit my tongue to spend time with the alt-right fuckheads you still call friends. Those people value "seeming normal" over being happy. I consider it a lucky break they didn't pretend to support me for another several years after I came out, like you did. Why did you even bother doing that, when you were gonna call me a fa\*\*ot and push me out anyways?
I used to think we'd have each other's backs for the rest of our lives. I was ready to support you through thick and thin. I thought I was important to you. But you can't even look at me and see a human, anymore. One day, you will have to ask yourself how you want to live life, too, you know. The answer won't be "alone". But you've chosen to live that way. And, after all this, I don't think I have the heart to keep a rope there for you. Not anymore. Our ships have sailed too far apart for it to be worth it anymore.
I will never get closure. I won't ever get to say goodbye proper. I won't ever get to repay the debts I owe. You won't ever read this. And I've been happier without you and your friends in my life. Since Aaron's death, you were the last person I could call a childhood friend. And you hate me.
I still don't know how to feel on that.
- V