- Joined
- Mar 25, 2020
Lord Timothy Dexter
All art is fake AI slop unless otherwise noted and is only here to break up what would otherwise be a wall of text.
I Was Born When Grat Powers Rouled
Dexter came from a poor family of Irish immigrants and dropped out of school at the age of 8 to work on a farm and, later, as a leatherworking apprentice.
But Dexter had a dream - get rich or die trying. But having intelligence below average even for someone with only a second grade education he was going to need a jumpstart. This is where the wealthy and recently widowed Elizabeth Frothingham, 10 years his senior at 32-years-old, came in. They were wedded and moved to a newly acquired mansion in Newburyport, MA.
Mr. and Mrs. Dexter sold goods out of their home to make a living with Timothy selling leather goods thanks to his previous experience in the field and Elizabeth selling sewing accessories.
Very Lucky in Spekkelation
Elizabeth had some good money, but for the kind of dreams Dexter was dreaming he needed more and that requires investments. In the post-Revolutionary War equivalent of betting it all on HawkTuah Coin Dexter bought up scads of the now-worthless Continental Currency, a currency that had become literally synonymous with having no value as the phrase "not worth a Continental" grew in popularity. Soon after he bought these up the Massachusetts and Federal governments announced they would make good and pay out to anybody holding Continental Currency and Dexter's bank account went to the moon in the first, but not the last, run of ridiculous, undeserved luck he would experience.
Thay All Lafed
He wasn't going to let this small setback stop him, though. Dexter was granted the title of Lord Timothy Dexter by a source he recognized and deeply respected. Timothy Dexter.
Dexter figured if he wanted to earn respect, then he must hold a public office. His grand plan to get appointed to a public office was simple - keep bugging the local government until they give in. So Dexter wrote letter after letter to them demanding a public office. Eventually they got so tired of this retard endlessly writing letters that they acquiesced and gave him the official title of "Informer of Deer". Dexter's job was to keep a running count of all the deer in the town. Though the officials had knowledge that Dexter didn't: Newburyport doesn't have any deer.
Grat Day of Regoising
A real picture of a Colonial Bed Warmer
With the friendly local advice working so well for him he again asked his "friends" what he can import to the West Indies. Upset he wasn't bankrupted they decided to try their luck again. "Wool mittens." they suggested.
And so he did. He loaded up his boat with wool mittens and headed to the West Indies. Unfortunately, there was no way this would work out as locals did not need wool mittens since, of course, it's very hot there. However, Asian traders that they happened to meet en route to the West Indies were on their way to Siberia and the mittens would do them a world of good. He unloaded them before he even got to his destination.
Dexter once again, in a bout of phenomenal luck, headed back to Newburyport an even richer man.
It almost seemed like a local game now to try to successfully bankrupt the village retard by sending him on fools errands. Now they suggested he sell coal to Newcastle. That one seems pretty reasonable until you realize that Newcastle was a town known for being a coal stronghold for the entirety of Europe. They presumably already had so much coal any new coal would be damn near worthless to them and probably came from Newcastle in the first place.
He even exported bibles to the godless West Indies, a venture sure to fail, that is if Christian missionaries didn't arrive there a month prior who bought all the bibles up.
Newburyport had a cat infestation they wanted to get rid of and the voice in Dexter's head screamed "It's free real estate!" prompting Dexter to load up his boats with cats and bring them to the Caribbean to see if they wanted them. Want to guess who was having a rat infestation at that time? Yeah. He sold them.
He also purchased a lot of whale bones for some reason. In fact, he purchased all the whale bones. At this point there's two schools of thought on what he did with it. One, sourced from Dexter himself, is that he sold them all for ship stain. Nearly every historian, however, said he sold them to the growing corset market. Either way, he sold them all and at a big markup.
The man was clearly blessed to succeed at anything he did, the stupider the better, with his entire professional life working out like playing Anno 1701 in god mode with mods. His erratic actions and improbable fortune led people to wonder if he was truly a dipshit, or just acting like a dipshit to keep people from following in his footsteps and muscling in on his business.
His personal life demonstrates that he is, indeed, just a lucky dipshit.
Ime The First Lord In The Younited States of A Mercary
Timothy's hatred of his wife was widely known around Newburyport, with him eventually telling people she died and, when dealing with someone who actually saw his wife, simply referring to her as a ghost that haunted his home.
Timothy chased clout from the refined elite whenever he could, even gathering locals to his home for a speech Dexter decided to give in the most pinkies up language he could think of, French.
Timothy Dexter did not speak French.
A real painting of his mansion with the statues.
He hired a painter to paint the statues and the inscriptions on the plinths when he noticed that the painter was writing on Thomas Jefferson's statue that Jefferson was the author of the Declaration of Independence (he was). Dexter was infuriated with the painter and corrected him, telling him that Jefferson actually the writer of the US Constitution (he was not). The painter stood up for himself, telling Dexter that he was mistaken, that Jefferson wrote the Declaration not the Constitution. Timothy marched himself into his mansion, sat himself down in his library, and found that, indeed, Jefferson wrote the Declara-- no just kidding, Dexter didn't do any research, he just came out with a gun, shot it into the air and made the painter change the inscription on threat of his life.
With acceptance among the elites seeming to be a lost cause he considered that if he couldn't command respect maybe he could pay for it. Dexter purchased an estate in Chester, New Hampshire. When there he asked people to call him the Earl of Chester. Children that did this were paid a quarter. Adults that did this were given dinner and drinks.
Dexter also offered to pay off town officials of Chester to change the name of Chester Street, the street his estate was on, to Dexter Street, offering to pay for this favor by paving the streets in granite cobblestones. The officials cordially invited him to fuck himself.
Being rich, Timothy started to amass a following of sycophantic yes men but, unlike respectable rich people of the time, his followers tended to be more of a Colonial era Wack Pack. This included:
Jonathan Plummer - Dexter's bard poet. A man who was kept around to write poetry about Timothy Dexter, despite not being very good at poetry and was, by trade, a fish monger and pornography merchant.
John P. - A schoolmaster-cum-charlatan, John P started life as a schoolteacher with a penchant for tests of courage. He found it was hard to keep that job when his tests of courage included locking pupils up in a charnel house among the corpses of dead priests. He later became a fraudulent astronomer who was convinced he would never die unless "the sun was blotted out of the heavens." He died on June 16, 1806. It was a total solar eclipse.
Dwarf Billy - The deliciously ironically named "Dwarf Billy" was actually Dexter's powerful 6' 7" brute. Threatened to skin and eat a sea captain who badmouthed Dexter. Eventually Dexter's retardation proved too much for Dwarf Billy and he exited Dexter's entourage.
Voise of the Peopel
After making a sizable fortune off of the dumbest business ventures the world had ever seen, Timothy Dexter decided to put yet another feather in his cap and become a writer.
In fact the book did so well that it warranted a second edition in which Dexter promised to include punctuation. Dexter delivered on his promise and encouraged his readers to "solt and peper" these in wherever they like:
The actual final page.
I Cant See To Rite Aany More Fare Well I Say Good Bye
In 1806, Timothy Dexter died, leaving behind an estate worth $35,027.39 which is worth about $825,452.03 today.
Timothy Dexter shares so many parallels with modern lolcows - Chris Chan's delusions of grandeur, DSP's cosmic protection from consequences, Boogie's need for acceptance, Lowtax's love for beating his wife, the man was certainly a lolcow role model.
Are the stories about him exaggerated? Probably, but his actions, his achievements, and his legend will forever cement him as a true Lolcow Lord.
The follering peases are not my Riting but very droleYe Olde Doxe
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