Tess Holliday / Ryann Maegen Hoven - Beached Landwhale model, Body positive and social justice snacktivist, and gigantic fraud

[yousoundlikeanasshole]

Sure, most companies don’t understand the concept of a podcast. Or a slumber party, or women talking about change. (Because you know the guests will all be women.) Only Tess, genius that she is, could envision something so completely original.

It’ll be funny to hear (once) because whatever anybody says, she’s going to turn it back to herself, and her experiences, real or fake. That’s a high narcissistic art. But that’s what’ll make it boring-Tess is not capable of being a host and letting somebody else take over. Grab your snack cake!

I just listened to a podcast called “Call your Grandma” or something like that, with two women in their 90s talking about their lives and things that happen today and what has changed between when they grew up and their granddaughters did. I guarantee those two entertaining old women are more interesting, funny, intelligent and insightful than Tess could ever be. Not that she’ll live to be 90 so we’ll never know for sure.

Go watch her Cameo videos. Nearly every one of them she makes herself the topic. She will DEFINITELY be doing this during the podcast. She can't not talk about herself and how great she is for changing the fashion industry.

 

[Umaibae]

If she thinks this podcast is gonna save her from farting on cakes until she drownsin her own fat... oh boy.
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She looks like a blobfish lol.

I dunno about anyone else, but all we did at slumber parties was prank call people (boys), eat pizza and watch movies (or make them on parent’s camcorder). We were like 13 years old. We didn’t care about heart to hearts.

 

[Cheesegirl78]

She looks like a blobfish lol.

I dunno about anyone else, but all we did at slumber parties was prank call people (boys), eat pizza and watch movies (or make them on parent’s camcorder). We were like 13 years old. We didn’t care about heart to hearts.

I went to a couple when I was 14-15, but we smoked pot, raided the parents booze supply, and yes, called boys. And talked about sex.

 

[Constellationzero]

Slumber parties, where I shared my secrets, crushes I had, dream and laugh until my stomach hurt...I remember those.
When I was 12 years old!

What is it with certain women, they're stuck at a teenage phase in their lives?
Kailyn Wilcher, Tess, and others. I have some good memories hanging out with my friends, but I don't want to be stuck in those memories.

And Tess looks like a pea perched on top of a pumpkin. She's fucking HUGE.

I don't know about Ryann the GUNT, but back in the 1980's here's what we actually did at slumber parties:

* Watch shitty movies on our Betamax or VHS
* Prank phonecalls!
* Watching hilarious public access shows. Prank calling said shows.
* Eat pizza and snax
* Read Sassy Magazine
* Make fun of other classmates
* TP someone's house
* Sticking some kid's hand in a glass of water after they fell asleep
* Play vidya: TI994A Atari 2600 Colecovision, annnd when I was in high school, Sega Genesis.

I don't fucking remember sharing our "deepest seekrits" or "crushes" The fuck this fat bitch talking about? No, bitch, it was LIVE mega shitposting IN PERSON since no computer.

 

[MuuMuu Bunnylips]

I don't fucking remember sharing our "deepest seekrits" or "crushes" The fuck this fat bitch talking about?

Maybe she's talking about people she has crushed?

 

[Gay Mouth]

That creepy little bio gave the impression she hasn’t been to a slumber party, and just idealizes a fantasy based on movie tropes and soft core 80’s porn. As stated by others, slumber parties are a kid thing and so pizza, crank calls, mischief and innocent fun are the themes, not baring your soul and crying all night about how brave and long suffering you are while glammed out like a drag queen.

Hogging everyone’s attention -and ruining the night by crying/bossing/bullying/tattling - didn’t get rewarded long. Those girls didn’t get invited to another sleepover. Something tells me lil Ryann Hoven spent Friday night listening to Dolly Parton records all by her lonesome, while the girls in her class had fun painting nails and consoled whichever girl she had bullied that day.

 

[BIG DADDY]

Was she even invited to slumber parties as a kid? Push x to doubt

 

[Tupolev Tu-160]

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What you ordered online vs what arrived in the mail

 

[Crepidodera fulvicornis]

If she thinks this podcast is gonna save her from farting on cakes until she drownsin her own fat... oh boy.
View attachment 1967403

She knows she could make this podcast without “shopping around,” right? Just publish it; it's free. That's how most of the white cis males (as, apparently, no one else exists in the podcast world) do.
They even get ad partnership - if you listen to pods, you already know set of those companies ; indeed Tess is a household brand name, she could get advertisements by this alone.

 

[Local Fed]

How much you wanna bet that she brings these guests on to “talk about how they change the world” and the conversations just keep going back to herself. Also who wrote this bio, herself??
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I don't care if you're Beyonce, Tom Brady or Kurt Cobain's ghost: if you call yourself an "icon" or "cultural change maker" without it being done ironically or in an attempt to be self-deprecating you should be put in prison.

 

[Barbarella]

Call Your Grandma sounds really interesting, was that the full name for it?

Call your Grandmother. It’s new so not many episodes, but it is very good.

 

[Karamel]

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where are those huge tits she is so proud of? everything is bigger. Her arms, her gunt, her legs.
(Not that huge tits count on fat girls anyway)

 

[America's Giggling Gigolo]

I tried to listen to the first full episode of Tess Hambone's new podcast, where she interviews a model named Nadia (who is one of Tess' 390 best friends). I got about 5 minutes in, and that grating, bitchy voice just did me in, I couldn't take it. Tess Hoof Hoven is seriously an unbearable, boring person. I hope someone else out there can give us a full play by play. She said she's still getting used to dating CIS men. Why, bitch? cis men are all you have EVER dated! She then says a few minutes later, and I quote, "I don't want to be a mom." When she asks herself why Cis men are so bad at texting back, I thought to myself- maybe its because you look like this-?

the most revolting quote I heard was
"God gave me all this titty and ass, what good is it if I don't do this TikTok challenge?"

 

[Fìddlesticks]

It suits someone who hangs around with pedophiles that they have slumber parties...... its like also the troops on here - obsessed with little girl fantasies and activities

has that gender queer moved out from her 4 Yr old bedroom yet? Do they slumber party together and tell each other their deepest secrets or do they keep each other deepest secrets? A bit of private show and no tell perhaps as Tess farts on cakes in the next bedroom and the squeals will drown any suspicious sounds?

Nick needs to get his son. Palm him off to the grandparents if ickynicky is too busy tweaking his nipples and fat fishing.

 

[multiverse]

I tried to listen to the first full episode of Tess Hambone's new podcast, where she interviews a model named Nadia

Lol, this Nadia is the same one who directed that awful, unsanctioned commercial. And has a cat named Nigger, I can't stress that enough. Nadia has been a model sort of person for a while, and she comes into and out of Tess’s life. Wonder what brought this latest bout of fake friendship on.

 

[America's Giggling Gigolo]

It suits someone who hangs around with pedophiles that they have slumber parties...... its like also the troops on here - obsessed with little girl fantasies and activities

has that gender queer moved out from her 4 Yr old bedroom yet? Do they slumber party together and tell each other their deepest secrets or do they keep each other deepest secrets? A bit of private show and no tell perhaps as Tess farts on cakes in the next bedroom and the squeals will drown any suspicious sounds?

Nick needs to get his son. Palm him off to the grandparents if ickynicky is too busy tweaking his nipples and fat fishing.

Agreed, what the hell is it going to take for Nick to stop creeping on mentally vulnerable trannies on reddit, finally grow some balls and take responsibility for his own son. This guy needs some kind of Maury Povich boot camp for absentee dads, where a black guy is screaming in his face. The damage has probably already been done, the relationship is already ruined beyond repair.

 

[DeusVult]

... And has a cat named Nigger, I can't stress that enough...

Well better than the other way around, it would be illegal.

 

[RainbowStarlight]

View attachment 1968452

I tried to listen to the first full episode of Tess Hambone's new podcast, where she interviews a model named Nadia (who is one of Tess' 390 best friends). I got about 5 minutes in, and that grating, bitchy voice just did me in, I couldn't take it. Tess Hoof Hoven is seriously an unbearable, boring person. I hope someone else out there can give us a full play by play. She said she's still getting used to dating CIS men. Why, bitch? cis men are all you have EVER dated! She then says a few minutes later, and I quote, "I don't want to be a mom." When she asks herself why Cis men are so bad at texting back, I thought to myself- maybe its because you look like this-?

View attachment 1968455

the most revolting quote I heard was
"God gave me all this titty and ass, what good is it if I don't do this TikTok challenge?"

Just pulled up this abortion on spotify and skipped to about 10 minutes in. She says something like it wouldnt be a slumber party without drinks and snacks. Of course. Skipped about 15 seconds to Tess saying something like 'I'm usually the one with diarrhea so thanks for saying that."

She is truly a disgusting pig.

 

[Water-T]

She then says a few minutes later, and I quote, "I don't want to be a mom."

Says the woman who dumped her first kid on someone else TWICE and let Jolene handle the second one for her.

 

[maggots]

Just a few first thoughts on the the podcast-

Spoiler

Tess and her guest mumble a lot, and have little, inside jokes they murmur which leaves the listener feeling left out of this fun girls’ slumber party. Was I not invited?

and I don’t think this will take off. The only draw to listening is finding little quotes to laugh at and I don’t think I have it in me to listen to long form Tess.
For instance, like others have said, within the first 5 minutes she starts talking about how hard it is to be a mother and bitching about her children. I don’t want to hear about this at my special slumber party!

So far, I haven’t figured out what this Nadia chick does to make the world a better place. They only talk about photo/video shoots, dating cismen and traveling.

28 mins in- Tess claims she had/has an intimacy avoidance issue.
31 mins in- she wants to talk about plus size modeling industry. Tells Nadia she isn’t plus size but isn’t skinny (??) so of course Tess had it harder out there.
44 mins in- Tess has peed in “so many pools”
46 mins in- Tess says if you aren’t looking after yourself you can’t doing anything for others. Explains a lot about the child raising she isn’t doing.

tldr- She can’t keep a conversation, to help she just reads off notes of points to bring up. It’s just a very broken, long interview and my brain hurts listening to it. Only good news is this podcast will be recorded and uploaded to the YouTube channel, it’s more enticing to watch Tess move about than just listen. No video posted yet.



eta- on spotify you can make the speed faster- for those who can’t stand her voice but want to still listen