I AM SEEING SOMEBODY, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME WITH THIS PERSON AND A LOT OF PEOPLE ARENT GOING TO APPROVE OF THAT, BUT, I , JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU, SIGH. IT IIS NOT NADIA, I AM NOT GAY. CHEW CHEW CHEW CHEW. *SOMETHING* AND DONT BE MAD AT ME JOE, AND YOU KNOW ME YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE MY HEART, AND I AM NOT DATING NADIA. I THINK NADIA IS VERY LOVELY BUT I AM NOT DATING NADIA. ACTUALLY I HAVE A QUESTION AND THIS IS OUT OF PURE IGNORANCE AND ASKING WANT TO KOW . IF YOU TRANS WOMEN AND STRAIGHT AND DATE TRANS WOMAN, THAT MEANS? IF STRAIGHT WOMEN, TRANS MALE, WOULDNT BE CONSIDERED LESBIAN RIGHT? IT IS STRAIGHT RIGHT, BECAUSE ONE PARTNER IS TRANS MALE. I AM KEEPING THIS FORK, ITS VALUEABLE. CORRECT. SEXUALITY. SO THEN ... I DIDNT REALISE THAT SO THERE YOU GO. I LIKE THAT YOU CAN LEARN SOMETHING WITHOUT SOMEONE SAYING TRANS PHOBE OR HOMOPHOBE. WHY RYAN IS FLOOR NOW...?? GIVE ME SHIT ABOUT MATTRESS, SOPHIA DOESNT EVEN PUT HER MEN ON MATTRESS, ITS THE FLOOR.
*some babbling*
if i am seeing someone, because i am spending a lot of time with this person, i dont know if you consider them a bf, but its not like that, not committed relationship, not getting married type of thing, it is just like, well... it is a relationship i wont be able to talk about much, but right now i am spending a lot of time with this person, i am telling you this, and i live streamed from this persons house, and what you looking at, and i want to be able to live stream and cook if i am not at home, do you know whadda mean? i need cigarettes first. i need like ears, non judgemental ears, there is no such thing, actually there is, i am very very very very very very non judgemental, i am not at all, think about it, 2 examples - i am not judgmental person, i dont judge people on their choices, if they say i am here to listen, i will do that, i dont mind doing that. because really your life doesnt affect me. oh happy pill meds, i have been doing pretty good with meds, oh dont i have mask? oh lipstick on it. pupil check, actually it has been how long now? ive been doing really well. hang on pop pimple. i say for me what i was addicted to was the lifestyle of partying, because i really love to party, ykwim, but i dont miss that at all... oh man... so thats good, i am popping my pimples, not leaving them white, man going in store, i am not going in when he does, just stare. thats when the thoughts set in and i am standing in line, the existential dread. what we going to do, since we hang out. no wont me think of white powder joe, i will smoke on stream. *twitch* can i do it on stream, it is just a cig, going to be real honest with how it happened. something something, doctor, go to dermo. end. weight and health sperg.
interlude
You guys are going to judge me, I think i am going to make a decision, when I talk, I want to think, when im talking, i may have some like, moments of like reflection, i want to think before i say what i wanna say, i want to talk about this, without really involving the person, uykwim, but i wanted to tell you like, there are some things, Ive been keeping private and been working out better, except for the fact that i cant be open or free. Because afraid of backlash and hate, but i am not afraid, but you guys make me nervous when you say OMG you cant talk about this or this, so i am going to make a firm decision to be a little more open, but not like open lto the point where i was ?at the beginning? ya know, i am not looking at chat but i can see nashville chicken and literally dying.
So lets do a little history lesson with Dom ,okay. and there is anything i regret is the way i did, i just and so what I want you to keep in mind and be a little subjective with him because i have feelings for this person and because i spend hours and hours with them and you guys pretty much hear all the bad, so obv for me to stick around the good outweighs bad, in a lot of ways. So a history lesson, i didnt ever think i would get feelings for anyone and when i stated talking about, this guys like, i never thought be with this guy because we did this and this, and i told you all everything we did and i wasnt considerate to how that would affect him and make him look, because regardless of who you are - people judge you automatically, me too, i get your a crack head and this sort of comment, btw coke and crack are different.
Anyway i am justsayin, so i will god honest truth that we both havent done anything since my little outburst ..ummm... yeah -so when i met him wasnt suppose to happen that way, then all the bad bad stuff, but it is just like, where am i going with this, i feel , like even, talking about it is not going to do justice. I feel like i known this person not been 3 months and i feel like i lived a entire relationship with this person and im not joking, an entire relationship, thats how it feels. like everything. So, now i am just left, everyday i am trying to make sense, what i need, what to do, and direction, and ?? and i feel like you guys need to know where my head is at and ...
anyways i dont know what to say, and it is draining but at the same time, it is different, like it gets, it went in phases, then figuring someone out, at first hook up and party and that became really bad habit. Um... and then we had bad night ,bad time... progressively every time we would get together... we would just have times when we would just have a bad time, wouldnt understand each other, got to a point - i was just like and i am not lying and i got really really bad and worse, and he said dont ever ask me to do it again, i wont, i wont do it, i wont get it, and wont ask me to get it and give me money and i will go spend it elsewhere , that kinda thing and it will serve you right, so been doing ? So i have been doing a lot weed though and eating a lot. But i dunno. i feel drawn to, do you ever feel like you were meant to met someone and they are meant to be your life? not soul mates, not romantically, but whole experience, ive seen his face before, sigh! hard to explain what i am going through. for the past little while. so.... i dont really want to talk about our dynamic and relationship wise and whether good for me, or not good for me or this and that, i have to determine that and make the decisions. I feel like.... i dunno. i wish like that, i wish that,- that people would see more good and in others too.... do you know what i mean. like i do try to do that and maybe not a good thing, but I really do, and most people have good in them, wont say everyone, actually say everyone has some good, at least some. and I dont really inhale the cigarette either... anyway... I dont know, probably all freaking out as dont know what you are saying, dont know what to do guys, but trying to juggle my life but i am getting very cozy.
basically let me just say when we are not doing bad stuff, it is heaven, its perfect, it is like JUST perfect... i cant explain it, singing, dancing, cooking and making love all day, kissing, eating good food and stuff like that. thats perfect. YOU KNOW?? and i cant and no there is no negativity no meanness no yelling no arguing, and so been like that, and because of that so it is making me closer to them. fart - I dunno, maybe they are a feeder. because they feed me. and when they cook for me and make love and i really enjoy it. at same time, sometimes i really really really start to feel suffocated. this is relationship shit. trying to picture how that is going. and how like. I have 2 lives and it is stressing me the fuck out.
bit more - but I had to leave.
