- Joined
- Oct 3, 2021
Featured on Aug 17, 2022 by Null: An insane person photoshopped a bunch of faces onto pictures of horses.
* OP has been edited up to Post Position 30
~entries/nominations after Post Position 30 will be listed under “Also Eligible”
Ladies and Gentlemen…
Welcome to the 2022 Lolcow Derby!!!
(Frankly, this is playing out more like the Breeder’s Cup World Championship, but most people only associate horse racing with the Kentucky Derby, so just work with a bitch here, ok? )
Below are the entries so far for the fall 2022 championship,field limited to 24 total lolcows. Each entry has a past performance recap and a glamour shot or two…
There arestill 3-7 spots wide open entries, but not every cow can qualify to make a Run for the Roses 
If you think your cow has what it takes to run with the real champs this year, suggest an entry/nomination!
*nominations open til end of October.
Which cow will be champion in November?!?!
Early entries:
1) Chantal Sarault (Secretariat)- mediocre start to an incredible, unbeaten streak of trailer trash drama, one of the heavy favorites by far. THE horse to beat, IF they can catch her!
Winner of: *Deathfat Derby *Buttertart Futurity
*Cheesegraveyard Handicap (new track record)
*BBJ VetVisit Stakes *VIB Handicap
* Box Mountain Handicap * Dingleberry Derby
1A) Peetz (Riva Ridge)- Canadian codependent coupled entry, always in the shadow of his more accomplished stablemate.
Winner of: *Brony Futurity *Bridesmade Stakes
2) Ethan Ralph (Alydar)- purebred southern ralphamale stock that never quite dominates his much larger opponents, despite establishing an early lead most races by running his mouth a whole fucking lot…
Winner of: *MeighDay Cup *Killstream Stakes
*Fatherhood Futurity (winner twice, narrowly)
*Gunt Memorial Stakes *Daddy Jim Stakes
*Solidly thrashed in the Portu-Go Stakes (twice)
*can’t find record of any significant wins or purse earnings?…
(Ethan Ralph, above, losing to SlobberStud)
(Again)
3) Keffals (Seattle Slew)- TERF horse, “mudder “, runs with strange SWATTing motion on L front leg, dominated much younger competition from Catboy Rancher. On a multiple-win streak recently.
Winner of: *JK Rowling Handicap *TERF Futurity *Ratio Stakes *Twitter Handicap
*Stinkditch Futurity *Dilation Handicap
*Resting Bitchface Overnight Handicap
4) Amberlynn Reid (Man O War)- once beat a full field by100 89 lengths lbs. Looking for return to cycle for the ol’ Gorl. Recent winner of Ozempic Stakes and Wifey Handicap.
5) Jessica Yaniv (Tobasco Cat)- This horse needs FULL CUP FULL FACE blinkers added to get a win….Just isn’t quite passing (the finish line?) otherwise….
Way better:
Winner of: (?)
*Canadian Bathroom Futurity
*ran a fading 5th against Keffals in JK Rowling
6) Justin RPG (Silky Sullivan)- the horse you didn’t even know was running! Winner of:
*Resheram Handicap *Vore Futurity
*ILoveResheram Cup Challenge
7) Hypnotist Sappho (Swaps…*genders*)- pictured (below) leading a field of minors to their groomers in the Discord Stakes, their only career win so far. The suicide baiting only hypes them up more. Is it just hot air or lightning in a bottle? Longshot/Dark Horse/one to watch!
DarkSydePhil (War Admiral)- still huffing the fumes from his 2005 EvoEast Handicap win, looking for the long awaited return to the winners circle.
Winner of:
*King of Hate Stakes *Trolling Handicap
*EvoEast Handicap 85 years ago or something
9) Brianna Wu (Buckpasser)- always around for a Rat-King finish, but never quite becoming a stand-alone champ herself. Sad. Recent winner of Gamergate Stakes.
10) Drachenlord (Shergar)- mystery European ship-in. Spooky.
11) Tommy Tooter (John Henry)- John Henry was a steel driving man, but Tommy is a gravel-polishing, dust-smoking hippie…almost too old to compete anymore, too classic to count out for sure…Has credentials to qualify for the Derby tho…
Winner of:
*Recorder Handicap *Gravel Handicap
*Lady Sabrina Futurity (new track record in degeneracy!)
*Babylonian-Zionist Handicap
*Dumpster Diving Derby *Fingerbang Derby
*Cryptkeeper Championship
*Still holds track record for burning through a 6-figure inheritance in less than a year despite recent dry spell.
12) Wings of Redemption (Monarchos)- a horse who just wants a good, fun trip around the track….
Winner of:
*Lookherelisten Futurity *PKA Handicap
*Sons of Kojima Stakes
13) Montego “Monty” Cruz (Forego [orgasm] - Last minute Jamaican/Canadian qualifier to take on all cummers with a recent, scintillating win in the
* E J I N Stakes.
His “music” would make a horse snap a leg on purpose tho, so not a sure bet
14) Eugenia Cooney (Go For Wand)- The less she weighs, the faster she runs!
Winner of:
*Streamer Stakes *Helicopter Mom Handicap
*Intervention Handicap *Twitch Stakes
*Skellington Stakes *Fetish Futurity
15) Ashley Issacs (Ruffian)- Champion Litch Queen and last year’s Undead World Champion Sprinter. Hopefully she’s strong enough to carry her flowers!
Winner of:
*Litch Queen Memorial Stakes (new world record, new track record, multiple times)
*Spoopy Stakes (twice, new track record) *Dysmorphia Derby *Shivering Stakes
*ProAna Handicap *GhostinMyPocket Handicap
*4Chan Championship *Scab & Bandage Stakes
*Tumblerina Championship
16) Nikocado Avocado (Phar Lap)- “The Red (tshirt) Terror”, only has one gear, but grinds on mukbang after mukbang after mukbang… a sheer force of nature.
Winner of:
*Waterweight Stakes *Coronary Handicap
*Fat Futurity *Mukbang Maturity Stakes
*Evil Genius Handicap *Fupa Championship
*Heartattack Grill Handicap
17) Byuu (Sunday Silence)- Japanese mystery suicide horse with little international activity the last 2 years. Recent winner of Harakiri Handicap
18) Catboy Rancher (Cigar)-precocious but developing speed runner, still looking for a win, and always attempting a late come from behind move that ends up more like a reach around…
19) Gazi Kadzo (American Pharaoh)- aftermurdering abusing everyone who stood between Black Hitler and victory, multiple handicap winner Gazi Kadzo took a needed break before preparing for Derby season.
Wins include: *Cult Handicap *DeathCult Cup
*Kidnapper’s Handicap *PanAfrican Handicap
*Proud Boys Stakes *Black Hammer Handicap
***First IP2 Coupled Entry:
20) Minette (Ouija Board)- Mysterious little mare who’s shown serious flashes of competitive speed. Most notable win: (against stablemates)
*Stage Five Clinger Stakes
20A) Vegan Patriot (Zenyatta)- Like a comet from nowhere, this little lady recently took both the
*Cannabis Cup and the *Mace Stakes in back-to-back wins.
21) Narcissa Wright (Lady’s Secret)- the Champ is here!…former multiple-time World Champion Narcissa Wright is preparing herself for an epic Derby Speedrun this fall.
Championships, world records and wins include: *Paper Mario Stakes
*Ocarina Championship Cup
*Soylent Stakes *CosmoHop Handicap
*I’moutofmymind Handicap
*John Numbers Handicap
*Speedrunners World Championship Cup
*Castlevania Championship
22) Hollie Dance (Serena’s Song)- It took a long time for Hollie’s momentum to build, but she has established herself as a real contender.
Recent wins: *Brain Stem Stakes
*Battersbee Handicap *Flatline Championship
*Bitter End Handicap
23) Patrick Sean Tomlinson (Hard Spun)- a one trick pony who does his trick so well it might just be his Derby for the taking. Wins of super gigantic importance in OVER 400 MILES of racing include:
*SciFi Stakes *Honda Handicap
*NeverFat Handicap *Actual Tough Guy Stakes
*Starship Repo Handicap
*ChildNo Championship
24) Ice Posideon (Devil His Due)- The *literal* dark horse in this race, IRL Ice (as he’s called in the barn) is hunting for his payday.
Recent wins:
*Mixer Stakes *IRLIP2 Championship Cup
*Autistic Championship *Runescape Stakes
*Stream Stakes *Purple Army Handicap
*Flight 458 Stakes *Phoenix SWATT Stakes
**Second Coupled IP2 Entry:
25) Baked Alaska (Tapit)- Just when America needed a blithering idiot to essentially hand evidence on a silver platter to the Fed’s, Baked Alaska answered the call with back-to-back-to-back wins in:
*FBI Championship Cup
*Federal Evidentiary Support Cup
*Groyper Overnight Handicap
25A) Chaggot (Seabiscuit)- Though usually bested by stablemate Baked Alaska, Chaggot has found a few wins on his own.
Of note:
*Great Debate Stakes *Spectrum Stakes
*Pedo Handicap *Orbiter Stakes
*DieLawn Handicap
26) King Cobra JFS (I’ll Have Another)- representing the country’s top grass horses, King Cobra has proven himself a consistent performer with the following wins:
* Magik Wand Maker Mile *TMDWU Stakes
* Potion Time Cup Classic *Toobes Stakes
* Mrs Green Turf Classic * Wyoming Stakes
27) Cyraxx (Mine That Bird)- with a face that could make a freight train take a dirt road, Cyraxx is literally scaring away the competition.
Recent wins:
*Pimp Cup Challenge * Facial Handicap
* Stylus Stakes * Juggalo Handicap
***Kino Casino Coupled Entry-
2 PPP (Smarty Jones)- with a late run from well off the pace, PPP looks to finish off tiring foes in the last quarter mile.
Notable wins:
* Chocolate Starfish NYE Handicap
*Holier-Than-Tho Handicap
28A) Andy Warski (Mineshaft)- although this orbiter’s resume is a little light, Andy established himself in the (Grade II):
* Notice Me Senpai Stakes
*Shadowboxer Stakes
29) Flamenco (Afleet Alex)- recent back-to-back wins have made it impossible to count Flamenco out.
*Jailbait Stakes
* Foot-In-Mouth Handicap
30) DC Media Girl (Winning Colors)- representing the older female contenders, distaffer DC Media Girl looks to cause an upset victory.
Recent wins:
* Charlie Gold Cup
* Haydur Nation Handicap
~entries/nominations after Post Position 30 will be listed under “Also Eligible”
Ladies and Gentlemen…
Welcome to the 2022 Lolcow Derby!!!
(Frankly, this is playing out more like the Breeder’s Cup World Championship, but most people only associate horse racing with the Kentucky Derby, so just work with a bitch here, ok? )
Below are the entries so far for the fall 2022 championship,
There are
If you think your cow has what it takes to run with the real champs this year, suggest an entry/nomination!
*nominations open til end of October.
Which cow will be champion in November?!?!
Early entries:
1) Chantal Sarault (Secretariat)- mediocre start to an incredible, unbeaten streak of trailer trash drama, one of the heavy favorites by far. THE horse to beat, IF they can catch her!
Winner of: *Deathfat Derby *Buttertart Futurity
*Cheesegraveyard Handicap (new track record)
*BBJ VetVisit Stakes *VIB Handicap
* Box Mountain Handicap * Dingleberry Derby
1A) Peetz (Riva Ridge)- Canadian codependent coupled entry, always in the shadow of his more accomplished stablemate.
Winner of: *Brony Futurity *Bridesmade Stakes
2) Ethan Ralph (Alydar)- purebred southern ralphamale stock that never quite dominates his much larger opponents, despite establishing an early lead most races by running his mouth a whole fucking lot…
Winner of: *MeighDay Cup *Killstream Stakes
*Fatherhood Futurity (winner twice, narrowly)
*Gunt Memorial Stakes *Daddy Jim Stakes
*Solidly thrashed in the Portu-Go Stakes (twice)
*can’t find record of any significant wins or purse earnings?…
(Ethan Ralph, above, losing to SlobberStud)
(Again)
3) Keffals (Seattle Slew)- TERF horse, “mudder “, runs with strange SWATTing motion on L front leg, dominated much younger competition from Catboy Rancher. On a multiple-win streak recently.
Winner of: *JK Rowling Handicap *TERF Futurity *Ratio Stakes *Twitter Handicap
*Stinkditch Futurity *Dilation Handicap
*Resting Bitchface Overnight Handicap
4) Amberlynn Reid (Man O War)- once beat a full field by
5) Jessica Yaniv (Tobasco Cat)- This horse needs FULL CUP FULL FACE blinkers added to get a win….Just isn’t quite passing (the finish line?) otherwise….
Way better:
Winner of: (?)
*Canadian Bathroom Futurity
*ran a fading 5th against Keffals in JK Rowling
6) Justin RPG (Silky Sullivan)- the horse you didn’t even know was running! Winner of:
*Resheram Handicap *Vore Futurity
*ILoveResheram Cup Challenge
7) Hypnotist Sappho (Swaps…*genders*)- pictured (below) leading a field of minors to their groomers in the Discord Stakes, their only career win so far. The suicide baiting only hypes them up more. Is it just hot air or lightning in a bottle? Longshot/Dark Horse/one to watch!
DarkSydePhil (War Admiral)- still huffing the fumes from his 2005 EvoEast Handicap win, looking for the long awaited return to the winners circle.Winner of:
*King of Hate Stakes *Trolling Handicap
*EvoEast Handicap 85 years ago or something
9) Brianna Wu (Buckpasser)- always around for a Rat-King finish, but never quite becoming a stand-alone champ herself. Sad. Recent winner of Gamergate Stakes.
10) Drachenlord (Shergar)- mystery European ship-in. Spooky.
11) Tommy Tooter (John Henry)- John Henry was a steel driving man, but Tommy is a gravel-polishing, dust-smoking hippie…almost too old to compete anymore, too classic to count out for sure…Has credentials to qualify for the Derby tho…
Winner of:
*Recorder Handicap *Gravel Handicap
*Lady Sabrina Futurity (new track record in degeneracy!)
*Babylonian-Zionist Handicap
*Dumpster Diving Derby *Fingerbang Derby
*Cryptkeeper Championship
*Still holds track record for burning through a 6-figure inheritance in less than a year despite recent dry spell.
12) Wings of Redemption (Monarchos)- a horse who just wants a good, fun trip around the track….
Winner of:
*Lookherelisten Futurity *PKA Handicap
*Sons of Kojima Stakes
13) Montego “Monty” Cruz (Forego [orgasm] - Last minute Jamaican/Canadian qualifier to take on all cummers with a recent, scintillating win in the
* E J I N Stakes.
His “music” would make a horse snap a leg on purpose tho, so not a sure bet
14) Eugenia Cooney (Go For Wand)- The less she weighs, the faster she runs!
Winner of:
*Streamer Stakes *Helicopter Mom Handicap
*Intervention Handicap *Twitch Stakes
*Skellington Stakes *Fetish Futurity
15) Ashley Issacs (Ruffian)- Champion Litch Queen and last year’s Undead World Champion Sprinter. Hopefully she’s strong enough to carry her flowers!
Winner of:
*Litch Queen Memorial Stakes (new world record, new track record, multiple times)
*Spoopy Stakes (twice, new track record) *Dysmorphia Derby *Shivering Stakes
*ProAna Handicap *GhostinMyPocket Handicap
*4Chan Championship *Scab & Bandage Stakes
*Tumblerina Championship
16) Nikocado Avocado (Phar Lap)- “The Red (tshirt) Terror”, only has one gear, but grinds on mukbang after mukbang after mukbang… a sheer force of nature.
Winner of:
*Waterweight Stakes *Coronary Handicap
*Fat Futurity *Mukbang Maturity Stakes
*Evil Genius Handicap *Fupa Championship
*Heartattack Grill Handicap
17) Byuu (Sunday Silence)- Japanese mystery suicide horse with little international activity the last 2 years. Recent winner of Harakiri Handicap
18) Catboy Rancher (Cigar)-precocious but developing speed runner, still looking for a win, and always attempting a late come from behind move that ends up more like a reach around…
19) Gazi Kadzo (American Pharaoh)- after
Wins include: *Cult Handicap *DeathCult Cup
*Kidnapper’s Handicap *PanAfrican Handicap
*Proud Boys Stakes *Black Hammer Handicap
***First IP2 Coupled Entry:
20) Minette (Ouija Board)- Mysterious little mare who’s shown serious flashes of competitive speed. Most notable win: (against stablemates)
*Stage Five Clinger Stakes
20A) Vegan Patriot (Zenyatta)- Like a comet from nowhere, this little lady recently took both the
*Cannabis Cup and the *Mace Stakes in back-to-back wins.
21) Narcissa Wright (Lady’s Secret)- the Champ is here!…former multiple-time World Champion Narcissa Wright is preparing herself for an epic Derby Speedrun this fall.
Championships, world records and wins include: *Paper Mario Stakes
*Ocarina Championship Cup
*Soylent Stakes *CosmoHop Handicap
*I’moutofmymind Handicap
*John Numbers Handicap
*Speedrunners World Championship Cup
*Castlevania Championship
22) Hollie Dance (Serena’s Song)- It took a long time for Hollie’s momentum to build, but she has established herself as a real contender.
Recent wins: *Brain Stem Stakes
*Battersbee Handicap *Flatline Championship
*Bitter End Handicap
23) Patrick Sean Tomlinson (Hard Spun)- a one trick pony who does his trick so well it might just be his Derby for the taking. Wins of super gigantic importance in OVER 400 MILES of racing include:
*SciFi Stakes *Honda Handicap
*NeverFat Handicap *Actual Tough Guy Stakes
*Starship Repo Handicap
*ChildNo Championship
24) Ice Posideon (Devil His Due)- The *literal* dark horse in this race, IRL Ice (as he’s called in the barn) is hunting for his payday.
Recent wins:
*Mixer Stakes *IRLIP2 Championship Cup
*Autistic Championship *Runescape Stakes
*Stream Stakes *Purple Army Handicap
*Flight 458 Stakes *Phoenix SWATT Stakes
**Second Coupled IP2 Entry:
25) Baked Alaska (Tapit)- Just when America needed a blithering idiot to essentially hand evidence on a silver platter to the Fed’s, Baked Alaska answered the call with back-to-back-to-back wins in:
*FBI Championship Cup
*Federal Evidentiary Support Cup
*Groyper Overnight Handicap
25A) Chaggot (Seabiscuit)- Though usually bested by stablemate Baked Alaska, Chaggot has found a few wins on his own.
Of note:
*Great Debate Stakes *Spectrum Stakes
*Pedo Handicap *Orbiter Stakes
*DieLawn Handicap
26) King Cobra JFS (I’ll Have Another)- representing the country’s top grass horses, King Cobra has proven himself a consistent performer with the following wins:
* Magik Wand Maker Mile *TMDWU Stakes
* Potion Time Cup Classic *Toobes Stakes
* Mrs Green Turf Classic * Wyoming Stakes
27) Cyraxx (Mine That Bird)- with a face that could make a freight train take a dirt road, Cyraxx is literally scaring away the competition.
Recent wins:
*Pimp Cup Challenge * Facial Handicap
* Stylus Stakes * Juggalo Handicap
***Kino Casino Coupled Entry-
2
PPP (Smarty Jones)- with a late run from well off the pace, PPP looks to finish off tiring foes in the last quarter mile.Notable wins:
* Chocolate Starfish NYE Handicap
*Holier-Than-Tho Handicap
28A) Andy Warski (Mineshaft)- although this orbiter’s resume is a little light, Andy established himself in the (Grade II):
* Notice Me Senpai Stakes
*Shadowboxer Stakes
29) Flamenco (Afleet Alex)- recent back-to-back wins have made it impossible to count Flamenco out.
*Jailbait Stakes
* Foot-In-Mouth Handicap
30) DC Media Girl (Winning Colors)- representing the older female contenders, distaffer DC Media Girl looks to cause an upset victory.
Recent wins:
* Charlie Gold Cup
* Haydur Nation Handicap
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Good job OP! 
