Well, since this thread was made to contain analog horror sperging, I'm going to give you a play-by-play of a very autistic analog found by
@Doctor of Autism, the Jojo's analog horror.
Full disclosure: I'm a Jojofag. I made posts to rag on Mother's Basement for his jojo viewing order (which is shit) for why it doesn't work and why very few people even considered it. I made a lengthy 'what I would do' of Jojolion when it ended. Jojo is one of the few weeb things I feel confidently knowledgeable about so it is an honour to make this effortpost for those of you that want to know what stupid shit happens in this story but don't want to watch it. I'll try to keep this as beginner friendly as possible but it will have spoilers for parts that already were adapted to animation.
My common criticisms of how using tapes to write stuff down rather than record it, misspelings and anachronisms and incorrect understanding of how analog media degrades aren't going to be repeated here. Otherwise we will be here all day.
Da review
If it wasn't already autistic enough to make an analog horror about JJBA, the whole thing is framed as the tapes belonging to the Speedwagon Foundation, but only sometimes. On paper this would be the best approach, they are a pretty interesting aspect of the original universe that wasn't used that much besides aiding Joseph and Jotaro, and they have access to relics and technology that could serve to make a good side story. But in this analog they pretty much are the SCP Foundation, down to abusing black bars and [REDACTED]s. Each of these tapes is corrupted with personal messages by the channel owner, Junius B, who is meant to be a character in universe giving intel back and forth through YouTube that consists mostly of documenting gore.
In Purple Haze Feedback (not canon sadly), the Speedwagon Foundation reaches out to Passione in order to capture the last remaining cell of the old mafia. Here the Foundation reaches out to a Passione clean-up crew located in Lousiana of all places after what appears to be a stand battle with civilian casualties. The first video presents us with a survivor account, the second is the analog trope of training video where we see the crew and get a description of their stands. The crew, accompanied by a Foundation researcher, engage in a gruesome battle where the researcher dies horribly. The kicker is that apparently it all started inside a CVS in Michigan.
The aftermath of this battle is a conversation censored by Junius where a character named Valen laments, tells one of their comrades to lay low and admits knowing this particular researcher beforehand. Valen is the only character that wasn't doxed by Junius so you know whoever this is matters. Is also in this one where for some reason Junius adds commentary, which forced me to pause constantly just to read that the crew ditched the jelly-like corpse of the researcher.
So, who is Valen? Plot synopsis so far, count this started in 2022 and you may believe this a Jojolands fanfic. Her name is Dionne Brando, the Third ffs, there are more of Dio's children and all of them share the same last name. Also, Pucci's niece. All of this is revealed like its a Death Grips video. Dionne's stand turns everything into an .EXE game. This whole series is called Futuro Sangue Versato (future blood shed if you put it in Translate). Hotel? Trivago.
This is the point when everything starts to look like a wojak movie made by Joel Harver. Dionne killed her friends, retrieved the stand arrow, killed some more people and has a convo with her squad leader about wanting out while name-dropping that Fugo and Polnareff don't like her. Character wise, Dionne is like if Fugo was a Soundcloud rapper. Even her stand is a drank tier rap song. At the club, her inner monolgue tells us she was shagging the comrades she killed and may also be doing it with her boss. She gets promoted to personal security of Giorno, Mista and Polnareff.
According to the Speedwagon Foundation, she is the daughter of soviet migrants and has four other Brando brothers. This mf flashed some binary code I won't bother to decode. Then this shit gets really meta because Emporio, who works for the Foundation, is watching one of the videos and compares it to the Mandela Catalogue 2. Emporio found it because he was babysitting Irene's (Jolyne after universe reset) kids and it autoplayed. I won't even bother to question how or why this should be possible.
This is the part when this whole concept stops being analog and becomes a regular fanfic.
ACT 1: Eternal Days of Night
Dionne's stand can control people. She uses it to make them commit sudoku. Her stand is making them aware of being killed now. Dionne makes a guy commit sudoku in front of Giorno. Dionne talks to squad mate about it. She writes this development in her iPhone notes. Dionne asks if she is a psycopath. Mate reaffirms she is. Dionne gets triggered and asks if she is one of the pretty ones.
Another Dio related Passione goon is killed. Dionne and her mate are called to the scene. Don't know what the latter stand does but she had to search photos of Yosemite Sam on her iPhone to use it. Most of the OCs are Dio's bastards, including the killed goon whose arms and birthmark are taken away, a blood QR code drawn on the wall. This is the video with the image of Giorno, Mista and Fugo standing outside a house. The twist here is that Dionne and her entire family are the descendants of Dio's original weak sperm.
Stand attack related to QR code. A flashback with Pucci in NOLA. Dionne survives and is interrogated by Polnareff. They don't like each other. Polnareff, Mista and even Fugo are all consiglieres which I guess is a progression of Polnareff being in the position in PHF.
Passione and the Speedwagon Foundation officially join forces. Dionne, the iPhone bitch and another goon are joined by Foundation agent Armani Virgil (the same guy that watched YouTube videos with Emporio) and Jounichi Higashikata (Josuke's son). Their mission is to find and dismantle a cult in Danville, Kentucky that claims Dio is back (Junius is supposed to be Dio). They all meet in an airport where Armani and JoJo dox their stands just before the stand from before attacks again. This time they managed to kill the user via carnivorous plant. Dionne is left quite on edge and experiences suicidal ideation.
The suicide squad makes it to Danville and Dionne fights with her squad mate (the same iPhone bitch) inside a petrol station about whether Giorno's claim that the entire town had been taken over by the cult was bogus. Dionne makes it outside were she picks a fights with the two Speedwagon guys too. Something that I hadn't really mentioned is that Junius (JB) leaves notes in all the videos giving context, in this exchange JB says that his nerves were on edge because America is a shithole compared to South London and that if he were to get shot he would bleed to death because he doesn't have insurance or citizenship. This note happens as JB is standing right next to all the people previously mentioned eavesdropping and then says he wishes he had her stand for musical touring. Armani conflates Dionne with the rest of Brandos, Dionne being a papist calls him a Southern Baptist for badmouthing Pucci. Armani calls Emporio again and Emporio once again breaks the fourth wall. Dionne calls Pucci and expositions that Wes (Weather) still lives in Florida and Perla is a living Texan landlord. iPhone hoe confronts Dionne about the call, threathing with Mista dragging her ass back to Italy. Dionne says she rather have Fugo kill her. Armani tries to patch things up, Dionne has a fight with her own stand in the Holiday Inn parking lot.
Junius encounters Dionne at a cafe and tells her that he made an analog horror with info about her. Dionne says that she doesn't care because neither Wendigoon nor Nightmind nor Wowman made videos about it. Emporio, feeling the presence of a fellow analog horror enjoyer, is tapping the call. JB is one of Dio's sons. Dionne asks if JB made a tacky video announcing all of Danville, KY belonged to him.
Thus, they travel together. Dionne not happy with ditching allies and desobyeing orders has the audacity to start a slapfight with Fugo via call in front of the fucking servo. Basically Giorno told these people to kill the people selling drugs to kids and some of those were kids. Fugo deadass tells her she ain't a threath. Once over, her stand tells her they should start a new gang in the South. More exposition. Dionne basically has the generic Soundcloud rapper backstory (doing drugs, selling drugs, estranged relatives) and joined Passione after attending a Trish concert. Passione orders for to get Dionne back, so we get more exposition. The Lousiana clean-up crew were a bunch of dysfunctional, self-destructive assholes with no real loyalty to Passione. Armani feels pity for Dionne because she went to juvie.
Dionne and JB make it to Big Piney and a pair of cops try to detain them, so our protagonists use their stands to make them commit sudoku. The rest of our heroes dispose of Dionne's brother in a motel room. Armani pulled the trigger and Speedwagon is paying for it. Dionne and JB make it to NOLA and he admits that her brother was in his cult as they get to her mother's house. Dionne isn't even mad against anyone other than Passione and sends her new BFF to stalk them during the funeral. Dionne catches up with her brothers while drinking, then they all start arguing about who is the biggest fuckup. Rohan namedrop. More edgelord shit. Back in Italy, Melone's half-brother and a friend are Giorno wasn't the original boss truthers and exposition about a new gangstar faction. Giorno has a call with Dionne's old boss, namedropping Volpe, Polpo, Bucciaratti and Doppio. Dionne and Pucci reunite at the funeral, y'know this is reset Pucci because he says it is impossible to control fate or... gravity. The video tribute triggers Dionne's stand to lust for blood. Dionne and her mother have a heart-to-heart at the cemetary. Later that night, our two psycopaths go on a Passione goon killing spree with bledding eyes and hyperealistic blood where Dionne lets her stand go and ends up evolving. Stand evolution is supposed to signify character development and self-actualization in JJBA btw.
That was Act 1. It was a chore to get through it and Act 2 isn't finished yet. This was autistic but not amusing autistic. This was TTS voices away from being old Tamers12345 without any of entertainment value. This trash only has ambience and some music, so the only way to know what's going on is by reading rapidly flashing subtitles that appear irregularly on screen. It took me this long because it really is that much of a slog. No wonder this shit barely has an audience to begin with.
