Hi there, this is John’s ex-wife, the only one that was ever legally married to him. My relationship with John started at just 18 years old. We were together for FOURTEEN years. The John that I married and had children with was a hard- working, successful man with a college degree. When we had kids, he was the one earning a six-figure income. We were very normal family, married, often happily, with two kids to raise. I stayed home with the kids and taught college classes as a math professor at nights and on weekends while he worked the traditional M-F job.
He started to decline in mental health after about twelve years of marriage, when my son was two and daughter was four. Yes, he has mental health issues in his family. Yes, I begged him to get help, and yes, I involved his family. I truly believe that he is schizophrenic and is a danger to himself and others. When you are with someone for twelve years and see this awful decline in mental health, it’s hell. That’s the only way I can describe it, it was utter hell.
What Nikki does not understand is that the marriage issues John told her about were a result of his mental health issues. When a man I had been married to for 12+ years suddenly tells me that aliens are showing up, that we need to move our family to a compound, and that he will never work again because the government is going to get us, that’s a bit of a problem. It was another two years before we actually split, but those last two years were miserable. It was clear to me that he had a severe mental health issue going on, and maybe it got worse with Nikki, I don’t know, but he was already gone when he and I split after FOURTEEN years together. Heartbroken and devastated do not even begin to describe that time of my life.
Despite the mental health issues, I also blamed a lot of the demise of my marriage on Nikki because my then husband was in love with Nikki, and Nikki actively pursued my then husband while I was still married. To me, this was absolutely repulsive that a woman would pursue a married man with a family. And while she may claim to not have started a physical relationship until after they split, divorce papers weren’t even submitted to the court when he claimed himself to be “Engaged” on facebook with Nikki and yes, there was a physical relationship already going on. Go ahead and check the court records, they’re all public. Oh, and this great stuff about how I could afford all kinds of legal representation being why I got my kids….nope! I did everything without a lawyer. Again, go look it up online, it’s all public. There is no legal representation listed. I couldn’t afford a lawyer. I did, however, research like crazy so that I could represent myself. John was stealing money from me, charging up credit cards, and on the run with Nikki who he claimed was the love of his life, and who he claimed during the six months prior, was nothing but a friend and constantly called her names to me (I’ll spare Nikki those names, but he was harsh and mean). So no, I couldn’t afford legal representation.
Right after he fled our family home, I was struggling financially. My family even bought me groceries so I could feed the kids. If you look at the court records you’ll notice this was a default divorce, meaning that John had zero involvement in the process. He chose to not be a part of any of the divorce filings at all. He never went to court, never signed a paper, and left all of the legal fees for me to pay. He took my money, he took the car that I was being forced to pay for, he had access to the house and anything he wanted, but he chose cash, the credit cards, the car, and ran. Even with all of this, I elected to award John joint custody in the divorce filings because I wanted my kids to know their dad. Default divorce, meaning no involvement from John, and I elected to award him joint custody. More on that shortly.
I’ll give Nikki this, John is a liar, and a good one, and told her lots of things that to this day she still believes. For instance, I did NOT say John should be a stay-at-home father. I never agreed to work FT, while he slept all day and partied all night. I was working FOUR jobs to keep us afloat while he lazed around the house all day. He couldn’t even get the kids to school on time, so much so, that I got a letter from CPS about my daughter’s excessive absences and tardies. Again, I had no idea because he was a liar. He lied to me about not being able to find a job and lied about he after school cares at school having massive waiting lists. He lied all day every day. This was his thing. The problem was, I didn’t know all of this until years later.
When John up and left one day to go be with Nikki, who by the way, also had a daughter who she left behind with her soon to be ex-husband (and she still sees her kid), I was on my own. I was relieved to raise my kids on my own and outside of the chaos. But the crap that John did during the next year was horrendous. He and Nikki together racked up thousands of dollars in parking tickets that would come to the house in MY name! The DMV was ready to suspend my drivers license, so I had to pony up that money and pay. He took ownership of none of our mutual debt, and guess who had to pay for it? Nikki may not have known about all the money he stole from me during this time, or maybe she did, I have no idea. It’s hard enough to be a single mom, but even harder when what you’re earning is being stolen from under you.
Nikki says John loved his kids so much…I’m sure that’s what he told her. I have phone records showing exactly how often he called. John did things on his own terms and on his own time. And I was home with a four and six year old who didn’t understand what was going on. Nikki might think he was a great father, but after he left, my children started telling me stories of their dad burning their toys, ripping off their clothes (in anger) and hurting them, and being told to NOT tell me about any of it. So did I want to protect my kids? Hell yes! But I wasn’t going to violate what I had written out in a court order. What I wrote out on the divorce papers was visitation every other weekend during the daytime hours. But John wasn’t in California. He was in Oregon, Northern California, Washington, Hawaii, Maine, etc. so how is it that I’m denying him visits if he doesn’t show up? The one time I flat out said NO to a visit was when he asked for the kids at Thanksgiving. I said no, that I already had plans with my family. That was the only time I ever flat out denied him a visit, and it was in the court orders that I have the kids for holidays. I even let John and Nikki take the kids to AZ to visit John’s mom (who yes, I still talk to) for an entire week the first year that we split, and that wasn’t part of court orders. I did it because I wanted to not be the reason their father wasn’t in the kids’ lives.
John’s so-called effort to visit came whenever it was convenient to him. I have a visitation log, phone call log, and text messages for proof, which the court has seen. He would go months without calling them and then come up with some lame excuse for this. He would sometimes call and say, I might be in town, make the kids available. And he wouldn’t show up. I do believe John loved the kids the best way he knew how, unfortunately it was a way that caused constant pain to my kids.
Additionally, John of course refused to financially support the kids in any way. He told me that I made enough money and he was never going to pay for the kids. I was a single mom with no life beyond my kids and work and school, working FOUR jobs. Luckily my degrees permit me the ability to work from home and teach college math courses at night, so I could make the money I needed to support my kids, but what a jerk, bringing two kids in the world and then having no pride to actually support them and be there for them! John currently owes almost $40,000 in past due child support.
Now let’s talk overall visitation, custody, and adoption. In short, John was initial granted joint custody. He rarely exercised those rights. He did for the first few months and he did see the kids. But after the first few months, he was off with Nikki doing whatever, traveling around, and he wasn’t even in SoCal to be able to visit. Perfect example…a few years ago my son fell on his face and broke out his two front teeth. I texted John and let him know. Not once after that did John even ask how his son was doing and how he was recovering. Not once! John was sporadic with communication, and when would call me, he was either balling crying or yelling and threatening me saying I was refusing to let him visit when he was in another state. He was scary. He was volatile. He threatened to hurt me and threatened to hurt my kids. So I went back to court and filed for sole custody. This was to protect myself and my kids. I did NOT have a lawyer. John and Nikki showed up to court late, after the judge had already ruled in my favor, and it was done. I even wrote into the sole custody orders that he could still have visitation once per month. Not once did John ever try and use that visitation. Not once. Maybe he lied and told Nikki he was trying? I’m not sure, but John did not make efforts to see the kids. His life with Nikki and partying it up took priority.
Many years after all of this, I got engaged and married to a wonderful man. This man has now been in my son’s life for more years that John was. My son and daughter love him so much, and it warms my heart to see their relationship. This man takes my kids to/from school, takes them to the doctor, and dentist, and we take the kids on vacation, and out to the farmers market on the weekend. He is a true father. He supports the kids emotionally, financially, and is there for them every day. John hasn’t seen the kids in years, and it’s because he’s not around. John hasn’t spoken to the kids in years, because he doesn’t call. This is his doing, not mine.
I am transparent with the kids who are now 12 and 10, regarding their biological father. In the times where John called and they weren’t home I would always tell them. When he asked to visit them at Thanksgiving when they were 5 and 7 years old and I said no I told the kids. They know of all the calls that were attempted and all the visits that existed. They know that he suffers from mental health issues and drug abuse issues. They are almost teenagers and it’s incredibly sad what has happened with their biological father. I’ve had them in and out of counseling for years.
As their mother it is my job to protect my kids and ensure their safety. I do not allow their school to publicize their photos as I’m terrified he will come and hurt them. I am constantly looking over my shoulder in fear that he’ll turn up and hurt me. Nikki might consider John a gentle, lost soul, but he is very sick and needs help. At this point, he is violent, abusive, and scary. He used to be a gentle, kind person who would give a shirt off his own back to help others, but he is lost in mental health issues and addiction. I am a mother first and foremost, and my job is to protect my kids, and at this point it means protecting them from their biological father. So yes, I filed to terminate all of John’s legal parental rights, essentially making him a stranger to the kids, and my husband filed for adoption. The courts already approved this and the appeals timeline has passed, it’s done. And let me make this clear; John was provided a FREE attorney to represent him during the termination of parental rights hearing, something I was not granted. I went into this without an attorney, and then had to hire one because John was being provide a FREE attorney. But John never even returned his attorney’s phone calls. His attorney couldn’t get him on the phone, despite many, many, many attempts, all of which are documented by the course. And the kids were also appointed an independent attorney to look out for their best interest. And there was also an investigation by a social worker appointed by the state. Every single one of these reports recommended that John’s parental rights be terminated.
I am a successful woman. I am not going to apologize for working my ass off. I have a three degrees including a doctorate that I earned while going through a divorce. I have a good job and make decent money. But none of this was gifted to me. I worked incredibly hard and had no life of my own for many, many years. For a long time I was barely surviving day-to-day, and lived in constant fear. Now, I am no longer terrified for my kids’ well-being or my own, and I’m thriving. It makes me incredibly sad to see the man I once loved go so far down the rabbit hole and end up where he is but do not for one second, Nikki, try and blame any of this on me. I will never apologize for protecting myself and protecting my kids. And I will not apologize for working so, so hard to get to where I am today. My kids are happy and healthy, and so am I. I refuse to be one of John’s victims and I will never, ever apologize for taking the steps that I have to protect myself and my kids.
So please, continue doing whatever you want talking about John and all that he does, but you can leave me and my life and my children out of it. We are trying to live our lives and move past all of this. Maybe you have a better way to survive what we have survived, but in my world, for my sanity, for my own mental health, and for my children’s well-being, we choose to look forward, not behind.
