I wish I could restart my life
TRIGGER WARNING
This is a vent. Also trigger warning
I’m a 23-year-old trans woman, but sometimes I’m not sure about that either. I’ve always been in the closet. I’ve known I had gender dysphoria since I was a kid, and I realized I was bisexual around puberty. My upbringing was harsh—I grew up in an abusive religious household with zero autonomy. I had no choice in my clothes, hair, friends, sports or hobbies; everything had to be “God-honoring.” When I was 10, I grew my hair too long, and as punishment, I was beaten, held down, and forcefully had my head shaved. At 12, I was groomed online by an older “boyfriend.”
I’m not a good person, and I won’t pretend to be. While in the closet, I was a raging bigot and bully. As a white man, I used every slur you can think of. I hated women, the LGBTQ+ community, and people of color. I hurt a lot of people. Eventually, I graduated high school, got married, and now I have two sons.
I love my wife more than life itself, but sometimes I’m not sure about that either. She’s Native American, and my parents didn’t approve of her, which started my journey to unlearning all my hate. However, she shouldn’t have had to wait for me to become a better person—she deserves better. I told her about my gender dysphoria, and while she tried to be supportive, I saw the disgust and hate in her eyes. She gave me an ultimatum: stay a man, or she’d leave.
My mental health deteriorated, and I turned to drinking and drugs, I wasn’t sober for over six months. I lost my job and couldn’t find another. Eventually, we ran out of money, and I grew desperate. I considered taking the easy way out, but I was too afraid. I hated my life and dreaded every aspect of it. I couldn’t stand my voice, my reflection, or even enjoy my family without feeling like I was living a lie.
When we ran out of money, we couldn’t pay rent or buy groceries. I snapped. I decided to do something with my worthless life, thinking if I died in the process, so be it. I drove to a bank, waited for it to get slow, put on a face mask, pulled out my gun, and stole nearly $25,000. I drove home, got drunk, and passed out, hoping I wouldn’t wake up. When I did, I wished it had been a bad nightmare.
I lived in pure mania, paranoia, and drugs for the next month. On February 2nd, the FBI raided my house, and I was detained. I hadn’t disposed of any evidence, so I was easily caught. I spent a week in a private state prison on the border of Arizona before being bailed out and put on house arrest after pleading not guilty.
My parents bailed me out, and the court ordered me and my family to stay at their house. During my time in jail and since being home, I’ve had a lot of time to think. I sought therapy and a psychiatrist to diagnose any issues I have so I can get help. My parents just want me to go to church, but I know that won’t help. My lawyer received the report from my psychiatrist, and it may reveal that I have gender dysphoria. If it’s mentioned in court, I’ll be outed to my whole family.
My court hearing is in a couple of months, and I know I’m going away for a long time. I’m still in the closet, and I still love my wife. My dilemma is that I can’t imagine a life without her. She said she would wait for me, but she’s going to have a hard life. I was the sole provider, and now she has to be a single mom. I’m not sure if I can ever leave the closet. I feel like I’m living in a familiar hell, choosing it over an unfamiliar heaven. I also know, for my safety I cannot transition in prison.
I apologize if this is disorganized; I’ve had nowhere else to say this out loud. It’s all been in my head or to my therapist. I just wish I could restart my life and live truthfully, but I don’t know how to let go of this life, even though it’s a huge dumpster fire.
