Lolcows in Fiction (Books, TV, Movies, etc.)

  • 🔎 If you see an alert for analytics.usips.org, this is a self-hosted system I am running as a test. It is GDPR compliant and collects no invasive information.
  • Want to keep track of this thread?
    Accounts can bookmark posts, watch threads for updates, and jump back to where you stopped reading.
    Create account
My Avatar is a lolcow, just by the wiki:
MacCoy is a quirky guy who likes to present himself as cool and charismatic. He is knowledgeable in dance and technology, and uses that to his advantage to impress those around him and those towards. In the end though, it comes off with a corny sensibility that makes him seem childish, and not at all smooth.
Click to expand...
Trivia:
  • Hobbies: Mad skillz on the dance floor, that super fresh toprock style, always driving the ladies wild.
  • Interests: Funky, old-skool American beats and getting the name “DJ MacCoy” out on the streets.
  • Favorite Movie: Fallen Angels 7: Return to Reform School
  • Favorite Food: Grandma’s homemade zalyvne – you got to try this!
  • Blood Type: B-. Hey, it’s better than C+, you heard?
  • MacCoy might be based on a gopnik (Russian: гопник) which describes a young man of working-class background that usually lives in Russian suburban areas and comes from a family of poor education and income.
Quotes:
Pre-Dance Routine:
  • "It's your boy DJ MacCoy. Check out these dope moves."
  • "Bringing my super fresh style. Oh yeah baby."
  • "Ah. Oh don't make me go back to working at the used book store." (O-2 Stars)
  • "All y'all haters better recognize. I got moves and I got style. What more do you want?" (3-4 Stars)
He also lives with his grandmother btw.
 
Most of the cast of regular show are lolcows:
Mordecai: Loser nice guy with terrible art[at least before the ending] who made another person's wedding about himself.
Rigby: ,Physically weak high school dropout who's terrible at everything he tries.
Pops:Sheltered man-child with a lack of understanding of the world around him.
Benson:Washed up ,friend-less rock star with anger issues
Muscle-man: Fat, disgusting loser who lives in a trailer who got traumatized by a children's show as an adult and spergs out whenever shit doesn't go his way:
 
Hildred Castaigne, the protagonist of the first story of The King in Yellow. He reads the play and a professional blackmailer convinces him that he is the successor to the King in Yellow, and that he must overthrow the US government and become Emperor.
 
make_it_so said:
This might be a bit controversial but - I'm gonna say Char Aznable/Casavel Deikun from the original Universal Century Gundam timeline.
View attachment 1747692

Yes, he might be a badass pilot and military commander, and he might have pulled off the greatest headshot in history. But as person he's generally a piece of shit. He uses people like a sociopath, has a tendency to develop pretty creepy relationships with younger girls/women, and by the time of Char's Counterattack he has a messiah complex and a MovieBob-esque desire to kill or displace billions of innocent people because they won't follow his vision of the "superior future." Not to mention this same complex is ultimately him trying to fulfill the visions of his father who barely paid any attention to him and who himself was lolcow material - I'd post a video clip of Zeon Zum Deikun raving like a madman here, but apparently it's been shoah'd off of Youtube by Bandai/Sunrise.

I'd also add that after the One Year War, pretty much the entire Zeon/Neo-Zeon faction and their simps/apologists would be worthy of a community watch thread.
View attachment 1747706
Click to expand...
I'd go a step further and argue that Char would be a horrorcow. I found this post after reading the Beltorchika's Children novel, and wow, all of the cowish tendencies he had during the One Year War are on full display during the Second Neo Zeon War. That's understandable, I guess, because he's a leader and is in a position where he doesn't have to show any restraint to achieve his goals like he did during the One Year War. There's a section in the novel where he just spergs out in an unreasonably massive way, not to mention that he's insufferably pompous, fully consumed by his A-Log-like obsession with Amuro and Lalah, and has the teenage edgelord attitude of "The only way to fix things is to blow up the world" without any concern for how that will effect anybody -- but then again, he applied the same thinking towards the Zabis. In many ways he's just a more competent version of Tommy Tooter, complete with the pedophilic tendencies. All that considered, it's really something that later Zeon revivalist/pro-Spacenoid factions think he's such a good leader that they revere his clones as their leaders.

I'm going to be controversial here and say that Kamille is not a lolcow. I see him as a highly empathetic (as in very sensitive to others' emotions) young man trying to make sense of the world around him and do what's best for everyone. It's easy to see why he would grow up to become a doctor. Yes, he has his fair share of lolcow moments, but what else can you expect from a teenager, no less one shoved into war?
 
Last edited:
Godrick the Grafted of Elden Ring
godrick the grafted.jpg
>Unimportant and pathetic but believes himself to be "the lord of all that is golden" because he's a distant relative of the royal family
>Physically weak and tries to acquire power by mutilating himself and grafting dozens of limbs onto his body
>Laughably incompetent at his chosen ventures (Failed to take the capital of the lands and lost the majority of his army in the process)
>Fled the capital literally disguised in drag when he lost
>Got humiliated and defeated in combat by a woman probably half his age and only survived by groveling for his life
>Lives in a ruined shithole of a castle with cancerous death-mold growing in its basement
>His own servants despise him and nobody in the part of lands he rules over respects him.
>Fixation on his ancestor Godfrey. Obsessed with emulating him despite being as far from him as possible. Stormveil even has a huge Sailor Moon poster to fap the gay away picture of Godfrey in his prime.

Writing this reminded me of somebody else. Wonder if someone at FromSoft read the CWCki?
 
Stormer_1 said:
Most of the cast of regular show are lolcows:
Mordecai: Loser nice guy with terrible art[at least before the ending] who made another person's wedding about himself.
Rigby: ,Physically weak high school dropout who's terrible at everything he tries.
Pops:Sheltered man-child with a lack of understanding of the world around him.
Benson:Washed up ,friend-less rock star with anger issues
Muscle-man: Fat, disgusting loser who lives in a trailer who got traumatized by a children's show as an adult and spergs out whenever shit doesn't go his way:
https://youtube.com/watch?v=hHZvYYe7aP0
Click to expand...
YOU KNOW WHO ELSE WOULD MAKE A GREAT FICTIONAL LOLCOW???!!!

MY MOM!!!!

also doug funnie, because he draws comics where he’s the hero and everyone he doesn’t like is the bad guy
 
Velsin's Heart and similar cases from Orion's Arm are a weird example because of the setting's cosmic ladder of AI super-intelligence and the tenet that nobody can fully understand anybody who isn't on the same level. So from our perspective these are just normal cases of an AI going rogue because of a virus they installed and killing everybody around them with terrible cosmic apathy. But from the explanation that another artificial god gave for how these things work, Velsin turned into their version of Kevin Gibes with his tragicomic animal welfare record because it was too busy gooning to the godmachine version of weird hentai and stopped caring about reality.
 
Maria Ushiromiya and Jessica Ushiromiya, Sh/Kanon/Lion Ushiromiya. George Ushiromiya because he is fat like his father.

Serena from Pokemon?
Blake from Pokemon as he's a 12 Year old Spy
N from Pokemon because autism
The entire cast of Hetalia and Humon's SATW webcomic and all characters in her webcomics, especially Tentacles and Love
The Self-Insert of Yamino's comic Sister Claire

Some of these I have posted before so this is a useless post
 
CrazyRandomZyn said:
Would Konig be a lolcow because some fans think he's autistic-coded? Would Ghost?
Click to expand...
i haven't played the newer games much lol

ghost is not cow material he's too cool really no one from the og modern warfare trilogy would be lolcows of the top of my head
 
He's Austrian-German depending on the games and is 6'10 and has social anxiety and can't stay still but can be a sniper but was rejected because he couldn't stay still and was too tall. Used as a battering ram and killed human traffickers

Konig_Default_Skin_MWII.webp


.....my estimate is a lolcalf that knows too much military jargon or a Kiwi in the European threads that lurks too much and posts in the weightlifting threads. 🌈
 
Jean Grey- psychic psychopath, filthy mutie many men kisser, dindu nuffin wrong, almost ended the world 9 or 10 times
1790976624717.png
Hugo kupka - meathead, Cuck and has clive/cid derangement syndrome
1790976691441.png
Harrier dubois/ raphael ambrosia costeau- Fat drunk, delusional commie, political and literal schizo, superstar wannabe cop
1790976839301.png
G5 iguazu - 621 derangement syndrome, obsessed with 621
1790976921860.png
Honorable mentions:furiae and also the merry band caim gathered from drakengard 1, the five intoner from drakengard 3 (excluding two and one),queen marika the eternal
Debatable: Hank pym
 
I've been on a Tolkien kick lately and one of the major overarching themes of his works is that evil is pathetic. That being said if you go through the history of Morgoth, who is the original source of all things evil in the world of Ainur, it's just series of him acting like a retard and getting felted.

It starts out with him sperging out when they're singing the song of creation, but everyone just kind of side eyed him and let it go. Eru had to tard wrangle the whole thing a bit though. Then he finally does act up by crashing out and knocking over those cool lanterns the Valar made to give light to everyone, then Tulkas shows up and starts laughing while beating his ass.

Then Morgoth gets locked up for a long time, fails to learn anything, promises Ungoliant (fat bitch spider) that he'll feed her as much as she wants if she eats the magic trees the Valar had to make to replace their cool lanterns because he wants the Silmarils (fun light gems) the elves made. Like any fat bitch, she's still hungry after she eats two entire trees with more power than the sun and she demands to eat the Silmarils too. This causes Morgoth to flip out and grab the Silmarils which burns the fuck out his hand forever. Ungoliant, not to be denied her magic Door Dash, covers him in webs and which makes him panic and cry until his gunt guards (Balrogs) rescue him. He then mashes the Silmarils into a crown, which hurts his neck but he refuses to take it off because he's a sped.

There was the time he made a dragon, which somehow got out before it was fully grown. It returns to his castle because it gets shot with a bunch of arrows but everyone knew about Morgoth's weird fetish/secret dragon plan after that. Morgoth throws a tantrum at the dragon despite it almost definitely being his fault that the thing got out in the first place. He lets it out later and it ends up getting killed. RIP Puff.

His first name at the beginning was Melkor until the elves started calling him Morgoth, which is just a mean nickname and the elves do that to alog people. It means Black Foe of the World in elfish. It's probably the elves calling him another name for a black person.

There's a lot of other things he does where he acts like degenerate, usually destroys something everyone likes, then people fight him off and he seethes. This also results in bunch of people swearing revenge and creating generational blood feuds against him, most of which bites him in or Sauron in the ass. He keeps this up for a few thousand years until the Valar finally get sick of his shit and declare total retard war. At this point Morgoth's entire army gets destroyed, probably because he let Ancalagon the Black out at the very last minute since he never learned proper dragon management. That dragon gets killed by an elf too, proving that elves are really good at being detractors. Tulkas shows up to laugh at him and beat his ass again as well.

Tulkas the Valliant is a pretty cool guy.

At the end of it he doesn't even put up a fight himself, he cowers and begs them to let him go, at which point they chain him up, take his Silmarils, turn his crown into a collar and huck him in the void. This wouldn't be a problem for a Valar normally, but Morgoth is retarded and in order to make sure they couldn't destroy him he bound his essence to all of Ainur to make sure if he died so did the world. This also bound his soul to a physical body forever. Normally he could just turn into a spirt and fuck off but now he has to float in space forever. Earendil the Mariner, the elf who killed Ancalagon strapped one of the Silmarils to his head and patrols the boarder, making sure to alog him again if he returns.

You'd think after seeing this fate one would learn not to glue a big chunk of your soul to something, but it's probably what gave Sauron the idea to glue a big chunk of his to a fucking ring. Sauron is really really autistic though. Can't be helped.

Gollum is the most obvious lolcow in Middle Earth, but he's one of those lolcows where it's not sporting to alog him. Gandalf and Frodo bring this up a lot. It works out in the end. Saruman is also a lolcow for many reasons but the Scouring of The Shire alone is enough.

Smaug was pretty based though.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom