Fourth Year at Hogwarts — Fanfiction Script, Genre: Comedy, character assassination, terminally online discourse
SCENE:
Harry walks through the corridor with Ron and Ginny. Ron is complaining about homework. Harry is only half-listening.
RON: If I have to write another essay about defensive spells, I'm going to defend myself by refusing to do it.
GINNY: That's not how defending yourself works, Ron.
A clicking of expensive shoes interrupts them.
Dracy Malfoy approaches. Platinum-blonde hair, icy grey eyes, razor-sharp features, immaculate Slytherin robes. She looks like an aristocratic anime rival designed by someone who thinks smirking counts as a personality.
DRACY: Potter. Still clinging to the Weasleys, I see. Have you finally been adopted, or are you simply incapable of finding friends of your own?
RON: Keep walking, Malfoy.
DRACY: Oh, and the blood traitor family comes with a Mudblood sympathizer. How charming. Honestly, Potter, do you collect social liabilities?
Harry rolls his eyes.
HARRY: At least my friends actually like me.
DRACY: How touching. Do they applaud whenever you breathe, too?
Ginny stops walking.
GINNY: ...Oh, you did NOT just say that.
HARRY: Ginny, don't—
GINNY: No. I've been waiting for an excuse to say this for MONTHS.
She steps directly in front of Dracy.
GINNY: You know what your problem is, Malfoid? You're not a mysterious, misunderstood romantic heroine. You're a walking collection of tropes that people mistake for a personality!
DRACY: What on earth are you babbling about?
GINNY: THE TSUNDERE THING!
Several students turn around.
GINNY: You insult Harry, belittle him, act like he's beneath you, and then people are supposed to believe that underneath all that cruelty you're secretly blushing into your pillow because he looked in your direction?!
DRACY: I have never—
GINNY: YOU'RE THE HUMAN EQUIVALENT OF A FANFICTION TAG!
Ron chokes on his own laughter.
GINNY: And that's what makes the whole thing so insufferable! You don't get to treat someone like garbage and expect the audience to call it romantic tension! Being mean isn't flirting! Having unresolved feelings isn't a substitute for character development!
Harry looks between them, increasingly alarmed.
GINNY: And Merlin forbid Harry ever shows you basic human decency. Suddenly, your fans are writing essays about how he's the only person who understands you. Girl, he has fought a basilisk, survived a tournament designed to kill him, and dealt with Voldemort. He does NOT need another full-time emotional-support project!
A Ravenclaw in the background whispers, "She's actually cooking."
DRACY: My personal life is none of your concern!
GINNY: THEN STOP MAKING IT EVERYONE ELSE'S PROBLEM!
Ginny circles Dracy once, inspecting her with theatrical disgust.
GINNY: And while we're here, can we discuss the Malfoid design philosophy?
DRACY: The WHAT?
GINNY: Platinum hair. Grey eyes. Pale skin. Sharp jawline. Black-and-green clothes. Permanent expression of mild disgust. It's like someone fed every dark-academia character design into a generator and clicked make her Draco but a girl.
RON: Don't forget the smirk.
GINNY: THE SMIRK! Yes! That little sideways smirk she does every five seconds, as though she's just made the most devastating observation in wizarding history instead of calling someone poor!
DRACY: I happen to have excellent taste.
GINNY: YOU HAVE A COLOR PALETTE!
The surrounding students burst out laughing.
GINNY: And your fanbase is somehow even worse! Half of them insist you're an innocent victim of your upbringing, the other half think you're an untouchable girlboss, and the rest are busy arguing that your cruelty is actually a love language!
DRACY: I don't need anyone's approval!
GINNY: Clearly. That's why your entire character is held together by people projecting an entirely different personality onto you!
Dracy's expression twitches.
GINNY: They give you tragic backstories, secret tenderness, hidden vulnerability, and a whole redemption arc you haven't earned. Then they call you complex because you have a complicated relationship with your father and look good in a uniform!
RON: Bit harsh.
GINNY: Ron, she just called our family a social liability.
RON: Fair enough. Carry on.
GINNY: And the femcel energy is UNREAL. You act like every person in the room is beneath you, then seem personally offended when nobody wants to get close to you. You can't build a relationship out of insults and expect someone else to do all the emotional labor!
DRACY: You are completely deranged!
GINNY: No, Dracy. I'm just tired of watching people confuse being conventionally attractive with being well-written!
Silence falls over the corridor.
Ginny leans in for the finishing blow.
GINNY: You call Harry a Mudblood sympathizer because he associates with people you consider beneath him. But the truth is, you're so obsessed with bloodlines, status, and looking superior that you've made yourself into the exact sort of shallow caricature your fans keep insisting you're too intelligent to be.
She straightens.
GINNY: You're not an enigmatic queen. You're not a misunderstood tsundere. You're not an underrated masterpiece of character writing.
Ginny points directly at her.
GINNY: You're a Malfoid.
The crowd loses it.
GINNY: And somehow, that's the most accurate thing about you.
Dracy stands completely still. Her mouth opens, then closes. Her usual smirk has vanished.
DRACY: I... you... that's—
GINNY: Come on, Harry.
Ginny turns and marches away. Ron grabs Harry's shoulder and follows her.
RON: Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Remind me never to get on your bad side.
GINNY: Then don't act like a walking comment section.
Harry allows himself to be dragged down the corridor, looking deeply unsettled.
HARRY: Ginny?
GINNY: What?
HARRY: What does any of that mean?
RON: Honestly, mate, I'm not sure I understood half of it either.
GINNY: It means some people mistake having a character design for having a character.
They turn the corner.
Harry glances back.
Dracy remains rooted to the spot, surrounded by students who are already whispering, laughing, and miming Ginny's final gesture. Her grey eyes are wide with disbelief. Her face has gone pale.
For once, she has no clever retort. No cutting insult. Not even the smirk.
Harry stares at her with a frozen expression, as though he's just witnessed a dementor consume someone's soul.
HARRY: ...Bloody hell.
RON: Don't look back, Harry.
GINNY: Let her think about it.
They disappear deeper into Hogwarts.
The camera returns to Dracy.
DRACY: ...A color palette?
She slowly touches her hair.
DRACY: I have a PERSONALITY.
A passing Hufflepuff glances at her.
HUFFLEPUFF: Name three traits.
Dracy freezes again.
CUT TO BLACK.
TITLE CARD: DRACY MALFOY HAS ENTERED HER CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT ARC.
Post-credits scene:
In the Slytherin common room, Dracy sits before a mirror, attempting to smile without smirking.
DRACY: I'm not a tsundere.
She crosses her arms.
DRACY: It's not like I care what Potter thinks or anything, baka—
She stops.
Long silence.
DRACY: ...Oh, Merlin.*
END.
