I know this one guy who could probably considered a lolcow. I don't want to mention his name, so I'll call him "Khalid," because he's Middle-Eastern. He looks kind of like a fusion between Eugene Levy and Andy Dick. Khalid's problems actually may stem from legitimate mental disorders, though it's extremely hard to tell because he changes the narrative of his life so often that you just have to take everything he says with a grain of salt. I've never actually met him in person, he's a part of my online social circle. I don't really like him, but the people who are in a position to kick him out of the group do, so I either have to tolerate him, or I don't get to hang out with my friends.
Anyway, when I first met him, he was pretending to be someone else entirely. He gave a different name for himself, claimed to be white when he isn't, and said that he lived in a different state. He made people up, too. Many times, he'd act like he was going through some sort of emotional turmoil as a result of his family. He claimed to have a ne'er-do-well brother whom his parents favored over him and that his parents had chosen to cut off contact with him. He claimed to have a gay roommate who was a pianist and worked in a deli, but when this roommate actually spoke, it was just him speaking in a slightly different infliction. Of course, nobody actually believed that we were talking to a different person, but he was so adamant about it that we all just kind of decided to play along. Another time, he claimed to have a female friend that he was staying with. The way he "interacted" with her was very flirty. I personally never heard her speak, but others who did told me that it was just him doing another voice. Finally, he claimed that his college roommate was trying to get us all arrested or something. I can't really remember anymore exactly why, but it was a stupid reason and none of us took it seriously. He gave us what he claimed was the guy's number to prank call him, and guess who was on the other line? Yep, it was Khalid. He was doing another voice and yelled at us over the phone. This craziness went on for about three or four months before he finally decided to come clean and reveal that he fabricated practically everything about his life that we knew. The roommate, female friend, and college dormmate did not exist, which was glaringly obvious from the start. Additionally, he didn't have a brother and was actually living with his parents. More on them later.
Oh, but the fun doesn't stop there. I've known this person for about five years, and this was just the first few months.See, Khalid had plenty of his own problems separate from the persona he'd crafted. He claimed that he fabricated said persona because he was "unhappy with himself." He's always been an extremely dependent person. Over the years that I've known him, he's had many female companions that he's been obsessed with. Side tangent: His sexual orientation is extremely inconsistent. When I first met him, he claimed to be bisexual. Then later he said he was straight. Currently, he claims that he's gay. I know for a fact, though, that he's never had sex with anyone, male or female. I know this because he has no filter. At one point, in an apparent attempt to "prove" his homosexuality, he claimed to have had sex with both a man and a woman. He said that he hated his experience with the woman, and didn't even finish, but enjoyed his experience with the man. However, he later admitted that he'd lied about both of these encounters and had never had sex at all. Personally, I doubt he's 100% straight, but I don't really think he's gay, either. I think he says he's gay to be "against the grain," because he sees being gay as taboo or something. But I digress. As I started saying earlier, he's had many female companions that he's obsessed over. He talks about them in a very sexual manner despite claiming to be gay. He NEVER shuts up about whichever girl he happens to be obsessing over during the current month. Every two or three sentences has to do with them. He places them up on these pedestals while acting really creepy around them in person, and then once they get fed up with him and basically tell him to fuck off, then he never shuts up about how they're bad people and he's above them. He has plenty of pictures with them on his own Facebook profile, but he's noticeably absent from their pictures. He meets the majority of these girls when he's hospitalized. Yeah, that's something I forgot to mention. Every six months or so, he suffers a mental breakdown and gets sent to the hospital. In the five years that I've known him, he's been hospitalized no less than eight times.
As I mentioned already, he lived with his parents despite initially claiming that they disowned him and kicked him out. I say "lived" in past tense because his parents have since divorced. He lived with just his father for a while, but now lives with his mother. I've spoken with his mother many times, and she's a lolcow in her own right. She may or may not be an alcoholic. It's really hard to tell. He says she is, but she denies it. At any rate, she behaves very erratically most of the time. She's very confrontational. If she's mentioned at all when in earshot, she'll yell something to the effect of "SHAT DE FACK APP YOU BASTARD!" in her middle-eastern accent. She once told me to go and rape my grandmother. No lie. She starts confrontations, but is completely incapable of argument, so she resorts to saying "you are a child, I am not going to talk to you anymore, because you are not on my level," before...proceeding to argue some more. Khalid claims that she had a boyfriend, and that on one occasion she got so drunk that she passed out in the hallway of their apartment building, and that he and the boyfriend had to carry her back to their apartment, and that once there she came to and started grabbing at the boyfriend's crotch and stuff. This was, like, a week or two into the relationship, and he broke up with her afterward. Whether it really happened or not, I can't say. Khalid tends to lie a lot, and you really can't be sure if anything he says is really true or not. What I do know is that he and his mother sleep together in the same bed...sometimes with her naked. I know this because he's gone on camera several times and shown this (fortunately, I didn't see anything I wouldn't want to). He also makes sexual comments towards her, and has dry humped her several times as she's tried to sleep. In fairness, she can be rather pleasant when she isn't either drunk or suffering through a psychotic episode (whichever the fuck is wrong with her).
His father, I can't really say as much about. Unlike his mother, I've never spoken to his father directly. I only have Khalid's word to go on, but if he is to be believed, his father is a lolcow, too, or possibly a horrorcow. Khalid claims that his father was a massive control freak who ruled every little facet of his life. He was allegedly not allowed to close the door to his bedroom because his father didn't want him to masturbate in there. According to Khalid, his father also kept a journal in which he wrote about how he was sexually attracted to underage girls. He also supposedly used to shit himself regularly, because he'd take laxatives for constipation, and then not go to the bathroom when they'd take effect. What might make him a horrorcow is that he may have sexually abused his son. Again, it's impossible to tell whether or not this stuff really happened or not, but Khalid maintains that during an argument with his father, he angrily told him to "SUCK MY DICK!" He claims that his father responded to this by attempting to pull Khalid's pants down and do just that. He lived with his father for about two years after his parents' divorce, until his father presumably finally got tired of his shit and left the country after dumping him onto his mother.
Believe it or not, Khalid actually did graduate college. He majored in theater and wants to be a successful playwright. He's one of those elitist artsy types who thinks that theater is superior to film because "blah blah blah true art." To his credit, he actually has gotten a few plays produced and performed, and I've read some of his work. It's really not bad. His problem is that he doesn't really follow through with his ideas. He always says about how "(He's) writing a story/play/whatever where..." but it rarely goes beyond that. He doesn't have a job, and has never held a job in his life, so there's really no reason for him to not actually finish these things and get them published/performed. I've even told him this multiple times. He's always like, "yeah, you're right," but he never actually takes the advice. His degree's been largely wasted.
Like your average Tumblr user, he enjoys touting his abnormal psyche. I've never seen any official confirmation of this, but he claims to have been diagnosed with narcissism, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, and that he's schizoaffective. At least some of these are true, though I'm not sure if he has each and every one of these. He often sends people rapid-fire messages rambling on about stupid shit, mainly because he's manic due to constantly fucking mixing his meds into Red Bull. He'll also claim to be doing something weird or creepy that he may or may not be lying about, then he'll ask, "do you think I'm weird/crazy/a sociopath/a narcissist/etc.?" I think that he wants people to see him as those things so that he can think of himself as unique and special.
He's very suicidal, too. And by "suicidal," I mean ADF suicidal. Actually, no. Honestly, he's probably threatened to kill himself more than ADF has. I don't know how many times he's threatened it, but I can help you get an idea of it with a story. A couple years ago, about 2012-ish, he'd threatened to kill himself yet again. My other friend and I had heard this a million times at this point, so we were basically like, "yeah, okay, have fun. See you tomorrow." Well, turns out that he legitimately did attempt to kill himself that time. He got into his (parents') car and turned the engine on while in the garage and waited to pass out. Again, he'd threatened this many times before, so we just assumed that he was acting. He probably would have died if his mother didn't just so happen to walk into the garage at that very moment and catch him. I asked him later why he did it, and he flat-out admitted that it was just for attention. Since that incident, he's threatened to kill himself dozens more times, but hasn't ever gone that far with it, so nobody really takes it seriously. Related: Sometimes he'll claim to have cut himself if we piss him off in some way, but when he's told to prove it on camera, he either refuses, just has a papercut, or no cut at all!
I can't stop crying. I'm too sad to be funny right now.
