How to Respect People Who Use Multiple Sets of Pronouns
Welcome to Pronoun PEMDAS
Do you remember learning the order of operations for evaluating a math expression in grade school? It was taught as PEMDAS (parentheses, exponents, multiplication, division, addition, and subtraction) or “Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally.”
I loved PEMDAS. That process, along with learning my times tables, was the height of my short-lived math career. I appreciated the simplicity and conciseness of the acronym and the fool-proofed feeling of it.
I want to propose a similar concept for people who use multiple pronouns — not for them; they know what they’re doing. But for those of us who don’t use multiple pronouns, an acronym that simplifies why some choose to use more than one set of pronouns and reminds everyone of the importance of respecting them.
Before supplying you with my handy-dandy acronym, let us briefly define the use of multiple pronouns: when any individual utilizes more than one pronoun (ex: she/they, he/she/they, they/it, xe/her, they/fae) to describe themself.
PIDOS
The acronym I propose is PIDOS (preferred, interchangeable, dipping their toes in, occasion-based, and safety net). I like PIDOS because it sounds similar to the Spanish verb for ask, “pedir”, and asking others with an aim to learn, show respect, and create safe spaces, is home base for all gender-related questions.
The following are examples of individuals you may encounter who fall under the various PIDOS categories.
P (preferred)
Meet Erin. Erin uses she/they pronouns. They’re a nonbinary femme and AFAB (assigned female at birth), and they’re not planning to go on T or have any surgeries. Erin uses she/they because they get misgendered frequently enough that it is simply less emotional labor to offer up both pronouns even though they strongly prefer “they.”
If you know Erin’s preferences, use “they” for them. “She” is there because their gender is frequently disrespected, and they’ve made their pronouns clear.
I (interchangeable)
Meet Brady. Brady uses he/she/they pronouns. Brady’s pronouns are interchangeable, and he feels best when his pronouns are mixed around from sentence to sentence. If you’re spending time in public with Brady, it’s wise to make sure she still feels comfortable being gendered with multiple pronouns because it can be an unfortunate risk to their safety.
Brady also may have days or weeks where they prefer one pronoun over another. Check in with her frequently, or set up a system where he can easily let you know if their pronouns have changed.
D (dipping their toe in)
Meet Leslie. Leslie’s pronouns are he/they. Leslie is AMAB (assigned male at birth) and questioning his gender. He is out as questioning to his closest friends, but no one else knows. Leslie is not out to his parents, and his parents don’t suspect anything, so they call Leslie “he.” Leslie is testing out “they” with his two closest friends to see how it makes him feel. He’s dipping his toes into the genderqueer pool.
Unless you’re one of Leslie’s two closest friends, calling him “he” is correct for now. Leslie may reach out to you and ask you to shift to “they,” but until that point, “he” is the right option. If you were to call Leslie “they” without him giving you explicit permission, that could overwhelm him. Gender can be a very private thing, and changing a person’s pronouns without them asking you to do so can cause significant stress and insecurity.
O (occasion-based)
Meet Daunte. Daunte uses he/she/fae pronouns. Daunte is genderfluid and has comfortably been out to most of the people in faer life for several months. Daunte uses “he” at work because fae feel the safest in that label when out in a public-facing position. Fae use “he/she” interchangeably with nearly everyone else in faer life. Daunte is only called “fae” by faer closest friends who know what it means and how to use it properly.
If you know that Daunte occasionally uses fae/faer/faerself pronouns, learn more about how to use faer pronouns correctly, but do not make the shift without checking in with Daunte first. If you work with Daunte, using “fae” at the wrong time could out faer, and that is never okay. You can learn more about all of Daunte’s pronouns without necessarily using all of them.
S (safety net)
Meet Ryan. Ryan uses they/it pronouns. They have been out as transfeminine nonbinary for two years, and they are now introducing “it” into their proper pronouns as the primary option. Because “it” is a lesser known pronoun, Ryan still uses “they” as a safety net option for those are uncomfortable or unfamiliar with it/it/its pronouns.
Calling Ryan “it” after having done your research and checking in will likely be affirming. It doesn’t expect everyone to understand, and it’s happy to talk with you more about how it came to understand it’s gender and subsequently, it’s pronouns. Learning more about neopronouns is a doable and necessary part of becoming more gender literate.
As the saying goes, if you’ve met one trans and/or genderqueer person, you’ve met one trans and/or genderqueer person. Each person who uses multiple pronouns has a different, personalized reason why they do so, and they may or may not be willing to share.
Regardless of how much or how little information you have about another person’s pronouns, there are reliable, loving ways to clarify and meet their needs.
1. Ask
You can ask another person about their pronouns — specifically asking for the basics of which pronouns they use and how they like them to be used. If you were to ask me, I would say, “I use they/them/theirs pronouns. These are the only correct pronouns to use for me, and I want them to be used at all times regardless of who’s around. The only exception to this rule is in short interactions with strangers or acquaintances that we’re unlikely to see again. If the McDonald’s employee calls me ‘sir’ when they hand me our food, I don’t expect nor want anyone to correct them because that isn’t worth it and causes more trouble than it’s worth.”
(I likely wouldn’t be that eloquent or concise, but I’d get somewhat close.)
Remember that it’s no one’s responsibility to justify their usage (or lack) of pronouns to you. They are them, and they know themself best — just like you know you best. You don’t have to know anything more than the basics I outlined above to respect another person and address them correctly, and you can always lead by example by introducing yourself with your pronouns and inviting others to do the same.
2. Check In Intelligently
If you’re unsure of another’s pronouns (whether or not you already know that person and believe that you may know the answer), you can ask at a casual, appropriate time. But, please ask with some decorum. The last thing I want to hear is: “You look like a guy these days. You sure you don’t want me to start using he/him for you?”
That is bad. Don’t do that. Don’t assume.
Gender expression, gender identity, and pronouns are connected, but they aren’t the same. A better, less assumptive way to ask the question you’re getting at would be: “Hey! Gender check: are your pronouns still they/them?”
That’s lighthearted and it doesn’t come from a place of believing you know me better than I do. It also doesn’t point out any part of my presentation as seeming gendered in a way that is “too strong” to be a believable piece of my nonbinary identity.
Put simply, saying I look like a guy makes me question my hair, clothes, posture, and everything else that may have been led you to make that comment. It’s the gender equivalent of “You look tired.”
3. Practice and Do What You’re Told
Use Minus 18 to practice using different pronouns and to familiarize yourself with pronouns that are less frequently used. Purchase books that feature characters with varied pronouns. Go old school, and write or type out sentences using the people I invented above (Leslie, Daunte, etc.) to lock in your understanding.
Pronouns are the easiest entry point to gender from an outside perspective, and they’re a convenient way to demonstrate respect and inclusion. Learning how to acknowledge and honor people who use multiple sets of pronouns is another step toward becoming more gender literate and more supportive of the gender-variant people in your life.
Lastly, I’m only one genderqueer person. I’m not the Gender God, nor do I wish to become them. It’s a lot of paperwork. I’m just the genderqueer kid with the blog — not a gender therapist or any other kind of gender professional. Take this with a grain of “I’m only one person, and I don’t know everything.”
Ask your friends, lovers, coworkers, relatives, and rivals about their genders, and you’ll be surprised what you learn. Some folks have given this a lot of thought, and every gender is equally valid.
Thanks for reading.
Oak
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