Lolcows in Fiction (Books, TV, Movies, etc.)

[Darwin Watterson]

Wile E. Coyote, especially in the shorts that pitted him against Bugs Bunny. After years of antagonizing the roadrunner and being silent, they finally had him branch out and gave him a voice and a personality. He was still the same idiot he'd always been, but with the added bonus of a GREATLY over-inflated ego and a general air of smugness about him (he always introduced himself as "Wile E. Coyote, Genius").

Romeo and Juliet. Both of them. They both fall in love and obsess over one another after meeting one time, and both display symptoms of borderline personality disorder: chronic depression, rushing into love, marriage and sex, changing from one mood to another and contemplating about killing themselves for each other.

Squidward from Spongebob Squarepants, especially in the pre-movie episodes (he's become more sympathetic post-movie, but his lolcow tendencies are still there). He's a huge narcissist who fills an entire room in his house with paintings of himself, thinks he's a musical prodigy even though he sucks at playing the clarinet, and thinks that he's destined for greatness even though he's stuck doing a dead-end cashier job. Spongebob and Patrick from the same show are also lolcows, more so in the post-movie episodes. They're a couple of idiotic manchildren who needlessly antagonize people with their antics (namely Squidward) and act like ten-year-olds even though they're adults.

 

[Pinball Lizard]

Eddie Dombrowski from Silent Hill 2 has been mentioned already, but I think James Sunderland himself qualifies as a lolcow in the "Maria Ending." This is generally considered the worst ending you can get, as James is still in denial about what he's done and, well, think about it. He completely cracks from being unable to accept reality and decides instead to buy a one-way ticket to happyland with his new imaginary girlfriend. I have to wonder, given the nature of the town of Silent Hill, whether it would turn into a CWCville-like state for this version of James who actively doesn't want to be free of his delusions.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

The guy in this music video.

For those of you who are too lazy to watch, he's a guy who dresses like a woman and smears lipstick all over his mouth...for some reason. He stalks a girl who may or may not even know he exists (she probably doesn't, but she could also be an ex girlfriend). She goes about her day oblivious to him, but in his mind she's wearing a fancy dress and acknowledging him. At one point, she finishes her drink and tosses it in the trash. He's following her, and takes it for himself. Finally, he goes to her house and bangs on her door. She opens it and her reaction to him seems to be a mixture of confusion and being horrified. He forces his way into her house and begins manhandling her. This is interspersed with shots of them dancing together in fancy clothes, with him looking like a normal person, so it can be assumed that he's trying this in reality, but she's not having it. He also smears lipstick all over her mouth to match his, for reasons known only to him. Still struggling with him, she makes her way into the kitchen, grabs a knife, and stabs him in self-defense as the video ends.

 

[TheMightyMonarch]

Romeo and Juliet. Both of them. They both fall in love and obsess over one another after meeting one time, and both display symptoms of borderline personality disorder: chronic depression, rushing into love, marriage and sex, changing from one mood to another and contemplating about killing themselves for each other..

I read Romeo and Juliet in 7th grade and even then I thought they were complete idiots. Also Romeo was obsessed with another girl right before he met Juliet. What's not to say he'll try to kick Juliet to the curb when he finds the next hot piece of ass? For the record, I think both of their parents count as well, since they put some stupid feud over the well being of their children. Only to realize that maybe it wasn't such a good idea when it was already too late.

Squidward from Spongebob Squarepants, especially in the pre-movie episodes (he's become more sympathetic post-movie, but his lolcow tendencies are still there). He's a huge narcissist who fills an entire room in his house with paintings of himself, thinks he's a musical prodigy even though he sucks at playing the clarinet, and thinks that he's destined for greatness even though he's stuck doing a dead-end cashier job. Spongebob and Patrick from the same show are also lolcows, more so in the post-movie episodes. They're a couple of idiotic manchildren who needlessly antagonize people with their antics (namely Squidward) and act like ten-year-olds even though they're adults.

Squidward was Dobson before Dobson. Except replace drawing with clarinet playing.

Also would Mr. Krabs count as a lolcow? He does get pretty ridiculous with his stinginess.

 

[Pinball Lizard]

I read Romeo and Juliet in 7th grade and even then I thought they were complete idiots. Also Romeo was obsessed with another girl right before he met Juliet. What's not to say he'll try to kick Juliet to the curb when he finds the next hot piece of ass? For the record, I think both of their parents count as well, since they put some stupid feud over the well being of their children. Only to realize that maybe it wasn't such a good idea when it was already too late.

The characters of Romeo and Juliet were actually created for a ballad/poem that was popular at the time, and Shakespeare severely abridged their courtship when he adapted it to stage.

That said, the play is apparently a lot better.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Codename: Kids Next Door had a few cows. It was a rather odd show, and most of the villains would probably be considered lolcows if they existed in real life, but there were a few that were considered crazy and/or pathetic even in-universe:

The Great Puttinski- Probably the biggest lolcow in the series. A professional miniature golf player who takes the game waaayyy too seriously, and still lives with his mother. He acts like a prick to Numbuh 2 (who is about ten years old; Puttinski is an adult), who challenges him to a game of mini golf. Numbuh 2 wins, mostly due to pure luck, and Puttinski is stripped of his championship title and declares Numbuh 2 his nemesis. He later builds a shrink ray and shrinks down several historical landmarks to use them for a mini golf course he plays in his basement. He then kidnaps Numbuh 2 and shrinks him down in order to gain an advantage in the rematch he forces Numbuh 2 to play. One funny moment was when his mother called him to come to dinner. "Moooom, I'm destroying my nemesis," he whines. She replies with "destroy your nemesis later, your pork chops are getting cold!" Puttinski's master plan is to use his shrink ray to shrink the earth to the size of a golf ball so that he can play miniature golf with the entire universe. Numbuh 2 repeatedly asserts that he's nuts.

Nurse Claiborne- The school nurse. She deliberately infects school students with pink eye so she can use their eye crust as a topping for her baked goods. She gets fired, and can't get another school nurse job because of this. She later appears in another episode where she runs a "retirement home" for Rainbow Monkeys (stuffed animals featured prominently in the show). She grinds them up and uses them as a breakfast cereal.

The Toiletnator- A toilet-themed villain who's seen as an incompetent joke even in universe. Not even his fellow villains like him, and they often tell him that their meetings are being held in remote locations like Antarctica to get rid of him. He's completely incompetent, once mistaking his fellow villains for the Kids Next Door after they manage to take over their treehouse without him. Ironically, he easily defeats all of them while thinking that they're the Kids Next Door, proving that he could be a credible threat if he wasn't such an idiot.

Mr. Washer- A store owner who builds a plane to drop refrigerators onto every chili dog stand in the town, because he's obsessed with keeping his store counter top clean.

Numbuh 86- Not a villain, but she does have an antagonistic role on occasion. Numbuh 86 is a loud, obnoxious Kids Next Door member who hates males. She wouldn't be out of place on Tumblr in this day and age.

Numbuh 363- A fellow Kids Next Door member who, despite being part of the top sector, is a rather antagonistic character and possesses many lolcow traits. He displays many autistic traits, the most notable of which is the fact that he spergs out whenever anyone touches him. Literally nobody in the show likes him, and the only reason he's still allowed in the Kids Next Door is because his older sister is the leader. He is described in the show as being "200 percent bananas," and gets kicked out of the KND shortly after his sister leaves the organization.

 

[Dio Brando]

I'm surprised I didn't mention Alessi from JJBA sooner. He's WAY more fucked up than Terence D'Arby is, he's straight up a horrorcow. We'll begin with his appearance: short, hunched over, and his hair looks like a dirty mop with Christmas ornaments. Imagine if Quasimodo went to a rave, and you get the idea.

Now for the creepy part. Alessi's stand, Sethan, is a shadow that has the ability to turn anyone that touches it into a child, going even further back depending on how long you're in the shadow (more on that later). Now this power is given to a very cowardly man who's terrified of people tougher than him (He's 38 btw), so his favorite hobby is to beat children. Children are much smaller than him, and he enjoys to display his superiority by beating the shit out of them for his own enjoyment. He beat up a kid for dirtying his pants and almost drowned another kid in a bath. That's pretty weird, but don't worry, he thinks he's weird too. Alessi has a strange philosophy where if he thinks he's weird, it therefore cancels out the fact that he's weird, his exact quote being, "people who always say that they are weird aren't actually weird... So I'm not weird.".

Now, I mentioned earlier that if you're in Sethan's shadow for long enough, you become younger. Well at one point, he turns a woman back into a fetus. If she wasn't saved at the last minute, Alessi was going to crush her inch-sized body with an honest-to-god smile on his face. Oh, The show also specifically mentions the fact that he's single, I'll let you think about why they felt the need to mention that. So there you have it, the fucked up individual that is Alessi.

 

[TheMightyMonarch]

Reverend Richard Wayne Gary Wayne from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, played by Jon Hamm, manages to be both a lolcow and a horrorcow. From what we are told, he's an awful wedding DJ and video tapes himself "doing karate" (It's literally just him yelling "KARATE" over and over while making weird arm movements). He also videotapes himself humping an ottoman and auditioning for The Apprentice. Throughout the show, he says the most nonsensical shit but oddly enough, most people enable it (because it's that kind of show). The horrorcow part comes in for the fact that he kidnapped four women, at least two of them were teenagers when it happened, and kept them in a bunker for 15 years. It's also implied that he raped them while they were there, but thankfully the show doesn't dwell so much on that disturbing fact.

Come to think of it, most of the people on that show are lolcows but he is by far the worst.

 

[John Titor]

I realize Rintaro Okabe (dude on the right side of my avatar) is basically Jace if Jace was into science. He's a wannabe scientist who has a science themed Deagle Nation and acts dramatic in public much to the embarrassment of everyone involved. The only difference is, he's acting like a sperg as a coping mechanism.

 

[Dio Brando]

I realize Rintaro Okabe (dude on the right side of my avatar) is basically Jace if Jace was into science. He's a wannabe scientist who has a science themed Deagle Nation and acts dramatic in public much to the embarrassment of everyone involved. The only difference is, he's acting like a sperg as a coping mechanism.

 

[Pinball Lizard]

Pretty much everyone in Homestar Runner, with the possible exceptions of Pom Pom and The Cheat, is some variety of cow - there's a basement-dwelling Internet Tough Guy (Strong Bad), an SJW (Marzipan), a faux-intellectual emo kid (Strong Sad)... but the biggest one of all just has to be Coach Z. He's a creepy green guy who is allegedly Free Country, USA's gym teacher, yet what exactly he coaches or what institution he's attached to are never specified. He lives in his locker room, and takes great offense to those who think he actually sleeps in a locker. He actually sleeps on a bench.

His hobbies include butt-patting, getting drunk on mint mouthwash, carrying "Questionable Water" on his person at all times for questionable reasons, making sexually-harassing phone calls to Marzipan (usually while drunk on mouthwash), and rapping. Oh yes. Coach Z thinks he is to rapping what Chris thinks he is to comics. As you can expect, given that he's a weedy white(?) guy who may be from Canada, most of the other characters disagree. He also apparently smells really bad.

 

[AnOminous]

Oh yes. Coach Z thinks he is to rapping what Chris thinks he is to comics. As you can expect, given that he's a weedy white(?) guy who may be from Canada, most of the other characters disagree. He also apparently smells really bad.

Plus he can't even say joraerb.

 

[Flamesoul the Diabolical]

These are several I could think of off the top of my head and I'm somewhat surprised they haven't been mentioned yet:

-Team Rocket from Pokemon: they never give up trying to capture Ash's Pikachu no matter how many times they've failed. Which has gone on for 17 seasons of the show. (I think there are 17 at the moment, I can't keep track lol)

-Candace and Dr Doofenschmirtz from Phineas and Ferb. Candace never gives up trying to get her brothers in trouble for...for building amazing/outlandish contraptions and such?? I, um, okay. Yeah, sure, that's totally a valid reason to ground them o_O
Also Doofenschmirtz, he's pretty dumb and is constantly thwarted by Perry the Platypus. Who is a platypus. Wow lol

-Angelica from Rugrats. She has this weird vendetta against the babies and is pretty narcissistic and haughty.

-Yuno Gasai from Mirai Nikki/Future Diary. She becomes obsessed with this regular dude, like to the point of getting so insanely jealous when he talks to another girl, she will literally want to murder that girl. Yes, murder. And she is extreeeeeeeemely creepy, holy shit.

 

[DirkBloodStormKing]

I'm conflicted to say as to whether Lewin Light from the Blue Exorcist manga could be considered a lolcow. I mean, his hygiene has been stated to be pretty terrible (such as not bathing for days on end) and doesn't have any ambitions and tries to get other people to do his work for him. However, it has been stated that he's actually competent at his job and is not a dumbass so maybe he might be an anti-lolcow as he does have some lolcow traits, but has some non-lolcow traits that kind of counter said lolcow traits.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Several characters from South Park are cows of some sort. I'll add more later, I'm sleepy right now.

Eric Cartman- The most prevalent cow in the series, he's a mixture of lolcow and horrorcow. He's a fat, obnoxious, racist spoiled brat who thinks he's the greatest person in the world. Everyone hates him, but he's so delusional that he thinks they like him and think he's cool. He's also a huge sociopath and, among other things, got a kid's parents killed, ground them up into chili, then fed them to the kid.

Mr. Garrison- An all-around sexual deviant. The earlier seasons made frequent light of the fact that he was a closeted homosexual who projected his urges through his puppet, Mr. Hat. Among other things, he once had sex with a pigeon (then tried to justify it by stating that the pigeon was a whore) and attempted to solicit sex from a minor (who turned out to be Cartman, though Garrison wasn't aware of this). After eventually coming out as gay, he became even more of a deviant. He started using a stereotypically gay BDSM sub named Mr. Slave as a teacher's assistant, and shoved the class pet up his rectum up Mr. Slave's anus in front of all the children (to be fair, he did this to get fired so that he could sue the school). He later decided that he was trans and got a sex change operation. As a woman, he acted basically like your average transtrender (that is, completely unladylike and drawing attention to the fact that he's now a female). He then became a lesbian and finally transitioned back to a male. In recent seasons, he's mostly been toned down.

The Goth Kids- A group of hardcore edgelords. They spend most of their time hanging out behind the school smoking cigarettes and talking about how unhappy they are and how shitty life is. They refer to everyone else as "conformists," but hypocritically pressure others to conform to their ways, as seen in the episode where Stan joined up with them. They don't even know what their philosophies are supposed to be, as seen in the episode where one of them becomes emo. "Goths are nihilistic, and emos are cynical," says one of them, attempting to explain the difference. "Wait, I thought we were cynical," replies another one. In the same episode, they're led to believe that emos are really sentient plants out to take over the world (it...makes more sense in context), but this later turns out to be false. The one who turned emo gets embarrassed that she switched cliques so easily, but pretends to be "freed" when one of the others "corrects" himself to help her save face. In the episode with the vampire kids, they get pissed off because the vampire kids dress as they do, but don't partake in their edgy behaviors like smoking, drinking coffee, and writing dark poetry.

Randy Marsh- Stan's dad. A barely functioning alcoholic manchild who, more often than not, is shown to be less mature than his nine-year-old son. He routinely jumps onto bandwagon trends and goes completely overboard with his devotion to them, basically becoming the personification of "serious business." Though, he did manage to marry Sharon, who is considered to be the hottest mom in South Park in-universe, so he does do some things right.

A lot of celebrities are portrayed in the show as lolcows as well. The two that immediately come to mind are Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson. Cruise is completely delusional, denying things that are plainly evident. In the episode "Trapped in the Closet," he denied that he was "in the closet," despite the fact that he was physically in a closet at the time. In "200" he threatened to sue the town of South Park for Stan calling him a "fudge packer." He insisted that he was "fly fishing" even though he was physically in a fudge factory, loading fudge into boxes. Gibson is utterly insane. After Stan and Kenny go to his house to get their money back for The Passion of the Christ, he goes totally mad. He strips down to his underwear and basically tells the boys to whip him and shove things up his ass. He plans to start his own church "so he can play banjo."

 

[DirkBloodStormKing]

Cartman's more horrorcow if anything.

 

[TheMightyMonarch]

Although Watchmen has already been mentioned in this thread, I feel like there's some characters who are definitely lolcows that haven't been mentioned yet.

Rorschach is a hardcore libertarian who never bathes and eats beans straight of a can. He's a vigilante and like Batman in a sense, but take away almost everything likable, admirable, and attractive about Batman and you would get him. He lives in absolute poverty and when he isn't crime fighting, he's stands around in public carrying a sign that says "The end is nigh." He's completely sex repulsed due to having an horribly abusive mother who was also a prostitute. His views towards women could pretty much be described as "BITCHES AND WHORES!", but oddly enough the two murder cases that inspired him to be a crime fighter were cases were both victims were female. He's such an extremist and refuses to be rational and see things from different viewpoints, which ultimately causes his downfall.

The Comedian is an extreme edgelord, even as a middle aged man. He's also a horrorcow. Apparently, he had the hots for the first Silk Spectre when he was younger so the only way he could show his attraction to her was to attempt to force himself on her. Although in his defense, the story does eventually show that he's more than just a 2edgy4u sociopath.

Ozymandias, at first glance, seems like the farthest thing from a lolcow. He's charming, rich, successful, and handsome. At one point, he even catches a bullet with his bare hands. But the more you get into his motives, the more you realize that this guy has a massive god complex and that he often compares himself to Alexander the Great and other great figures of ancient past. Although he succeeds at the end, it's implied that his plan will eventually fall apart, so it's pretty obvious that he's not as great as he thinks he is.

Almost every character in Watchmen has at least one lolcow trait. The only ones who I would say are normal-ish are the two Nite Owls and the second Silk Spectre. And even then, Nite Owl II and Silk Spectre II have a fuckton of issues.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

There was an episode of Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide where the title character tried to deal with a bully by (if I remember correctly) sperging out and slamming his head into a locker and chewing pages out of a book or something like that. I may not have gotten that 100% right, 'cause I haven't seen the show in a while, but I do remember that he attempted to act cool or crazy or something by basically being a giant exceptional individual.

Come to think of it, pretty much every character in that show could've been a lolcow (except Moze, who was basically a Mary Sue instead), because of how exaggerated and over the top their personalities were.

 

[Derbydollar]

Captain Underpants counts, right?

Look at him. He'd be our mascot if kiwis weren't so unbelievably adorable.

 

[DirkBloodStormKing]

Captain Underpants counts, right?

Look at him. He'd be our mascot if kiwis weren't so unbelievably adorable.

Ah, my childhood. This was one of my fave books. But yeah, he and even some of the villains are definitely lolcows or at least borderline-lolcows.

For Undertale is it safe to say that Papyrus is a lolcow? Don't get me wrong he is definitely one of my fave characters in Undertale but I will admit that he does have some lolcow qualities.