The premise of the dream was that the BBC was at my work doing a piece on Covid. Tube was hanging around with all the rest of us in the smoking area watching the filming. The correspondent was none other than
Fiona Bruce, by whom Olly was of course utterly bewitched. It makes total sense because Fiona Bruce is actually a real-life instantiation of the middle-class-yummy-Mummy-slash-intelligent-sexy-Latin-teacher archetype which Olly tries so desperately to inhabit... except that Fiona Bruce actually has the poise, intelligence and fashion sense to pull it off. Anyway, as Fiona & co were filming, Tubey was looking on in a state of autogynophilic rapture, wide-eyed and giggling and trying to sort of duck in behind the camera shot to get some screentime to list on IMDB. And then—and this sent Tube almost over the edge—Fiona Bruce walks over and asks if any of us would like to be interviewed. Deliciously, Fiona Bruce totally blanks Olly who is squriming around, practically jumping up and down shouting "Pick me, pick me!" but to no avail. A workmate of mine is chosen for the interview which causes Tube to spiral: he goes into a proper petulant sulk and performs an ostentatious storming off routine, exiting stage left. My first thought, loyal Kiwi that I am, is to log in here and post about it. So I head back home to pull up this thread on my computer. Somehow, now I'm living in a lesbian commune squatting in a
beautiful 18th-century French chateau. And guess who the fuck is in the shared kitchen, hulking over the minifridge fishing out some Waitrose chipolatas? You guessed it! Olly's sausagey fingers seem to be having trouble getting his sausagey snack out of the fridge, so I reach in at the same time and
accidentally graze Tube's boob(!) with my arm. Olly goes into a full-on narcissistic rage, shouting at me and giving me shit for invading "a woman's personal space" which is "majorly triggering" and "invasive", all of which I, "as a fellow woman", should understand. He then makes the quite characteristic accusation that my transphobic intrusion is precisely the kind of thing which was holding back his acting career and is to blame for all the world, including Fiona Bruce, being against him. Even in my dream, I struggled to hold back a smirk. I then rushed back to my room which, inexplicably, I shared with three butch ladies dressed as lions - the Lion Kings tell me that "the new girl Abby" (the mention of this name is followed by knowing looks) is a total grifter and hasn't been participating at all in the commune's activities and just sits in her room all the time on YouTube. I'm thinking that I now simply must tell you all the latest so I run around trying to fire up my laptop and tell all of you that I was living with the Princess of TERF Island herself except my laptop was a typewriter and it was full of ant eggs and then all these ants started crawling out??????? And then I woke up. Roll credits on Olly's biggest acting job for 2022.