Intergenerational Relationships

[GS 281]

People form relationships with other people based on mutual interests, or at least a perception that mutual interests exist. They can form around just about anything, and trust and respect will facilitate the growth of of a desire to be around that other person. Over time, this fondness becomes a part of our routines and a part of who we are.

Our development of relationships is done within proximal, temporal and social boundaries. These parameters limit the nature of relations we will have with people when we meet them and set a trajectory for how we would typically develop our relationships. These boundaries, right or wrong, are generally accepted to be a healthy part of society.

One boundary we place on our relationships is that of age. Whether our intent in a relationship is to be a mentor, platonic friend, romantic interest, professional associate, age will play a pivotal role. In many advanced societies the limitation of age is significant. Between people in the age of minority and majority it is considered inappropriate for relations to be anything more than a mentor role.

Romantic relationships would be inappropriate because an adult could exploit a child, same goes for a professional relationship. It is also abnormal for an adult to have an attraction to a child, obviously. Friendship-type intergenerational relationships do not carry the social stigma that romantic relationships have earned. Personally, I feel that an intergenerational friendship is not healthy unless the adult is instructing and being a role model for an activity. Friendships are inappropriate because a child below 18 and an adult would not have the same peripheral interests in most instances from what brought the two together, and even if they did, the adult and child could not relate because their life experience and perspective is too different. Overall, my general take is that beyond mentoring, adults who form relationships range from disturbed to criminally perverted. Is there a benefit I am missing?

 

[Yellow Yam Scam]

This is a subject that is somewhat important to me, because I've been on both sides of it. As someone who is sort technically an "educator", I purposely avoid deep friendships with students and people the age of my students precisely because of the perception that you hold. I don't blame you for the perception, I look at older people who are always hanging around kids weird too.

But sometimes the peripheral interests do line up. If I play a Bad Brains song in class, 1 or 2 kids are going to recognize it, and being that they belong to a generation in which Bad Brains and the like aren't appreciated (I do too, actually) they'll likely want to talk about it. You might be surprised at how many younger people have interests that are generally held by people 10 or 20 years older than them. The "benefit" there is no different from any other friendship.

 

[Whatisgoingon]

Yeah, I don't care how large the age gap is between two people, if you fall in love with someone and they happen to be 40 years older than you, as long as you aren't under 18 I don't care. It is those people's decision to make, and if they like each other, then who cares.

 

[Some JERK]

Yeah, I don't care how large the age gap is between two people, if you fall in love with someone and they happen to be 40 years older than you, as long as you aren't under 18 I don't care. It is those people's decision to make, and if they like each other, then who cares.

The problem is with experience. You can be the most mature 18 year old who ever walked the earth, but your lack of life experience is going to create some problems if you're in a relationship with say, a 45 year old. A 45 year old has already gone through so much that an 18 year old hasn't, and that would almost certainly cause issues. A healthy relationship is about equality and mutual respect, and you're not really on equal footing when there's such a large age-gap. By the time you're 45, most things aren't new. You're not going to experience many things with your 18 year old partner for the first time ever, and that's possibly going to limit bonding. There's also a huge difference between the ideologies and goals of certain age groups. A 45 year old who has the same goals and values as an 18 year old is unusual. I'm not saying such a relationship couldn't work, but it would take far more care and patience to hold together than your average relationship.

 

[Dudeofteenage]

Yeah, I don't care how large the age gap is between two people, if you fall in love with someone and they happen to be 40 years older than you, as long as you aren't under 18 I don't care. It is those people's decision to make, and if they like each other, then who cares.

Kengle?

 

[melty]

I agree with you, though as I get older I find myself making more friendships with people that are older or younger. However it's still only like a 10-15 year difference.
Intergenerational relationships are squicky because there seem to be far more people who are say, 40 and want to bang 18 year olds than people who are that age and would even bother being friends with 18 year olds. I'm sorry but that's awfully suspicious.

 

[John Daker]

I once met a guy who had a girlfriend almost 40 years younger than him. The caveat here is that he was over 100 years old. As long as both parties are consenting adults, whatever.

 

[GS 281]

One thing that I see as being a constant among everyone so far is that as long as both people are adults, then age shouldn't necessarily be an issue. I have to agree with this sentiment, however when one person is underage, is it appropriate to have a strong relationship with them where you speak every day? I have to say that I feel that would be unhealthy for the child and a sign that the adult should be looked at with suspicion.

 

[Dudeofteenage]

"Have you ever noticed that as you get older, older women get more attractive? And younger women, too?" - Steve Coogan

 

[MrTroll]

I highly disapprove, but ask me again in 40 years.

 

[Marvin]

Friendship-type intergenerational relationships do not carry the social stigma that romantic relationships have earned. Personally, I feel that an intergenerational friendship is not healthy unless the adult is instructing and being a role model for an activity. Friendships are inappropriate because a child below 18 and an adult would not have the same peripheral interests in most instances from what brought the two together, and even if they did, the adult and child could not relate because their life experience and perspective is too different. Overall, my general take is that beyond mentoring, adults who form relationships range from disturbed to criminally perverted. Is there a benefit I am missing?

In some situations, mentorship is pretty much just friendship under a different label. Like the big brother/big sister program is pretty much just adults (who aren't drunks) hanging out with kids.

 

[Whatisgoingon]

The problem is with experience. You can be the most mature 18 year old who ever walked the earth, but your lack of life experience is going to create some problems if you're in a relationship with say, a 45 year old. A 45 year old has already gone through so much that an 18 year old hasn't, and that would almost certainly cause issues. A healthy relationship is about equality and mutual respect, and you're not really on equal footing when there's such a large age-gap. By the time you're 45, most things aren't new. You're not going to experience many things with your 18 year old partner for the first time ever, and that's possibly going to limit bonding. There's also a huge difference between the ideologies and goals of certain age groups. A 45 year old who has the same goals and values as an 18 year old is unusual. I'm not saying such a relationship couldn't work, but it would take far more care and patience to hold together than your average relationship.

While I do understand why people would look down on a 45 year old dating an 18 year old, and it would make me uncomfortable, a lot of people don't ever think about relationships between 40 and 70 year olds, or 30 and 50 year olds. Things like that. People always jump to the 40+ year old dating an 18 year old, which I do agree seems a little suspect, but it is legal and as long as there is no abuse going on I don't care who people have relationships with.

Kengle?

Ha, no.

 

[GS 281]

In some situations, mentorship is pretty much just friendship under a different label. Like the big brother/big sister program is pretty much just adults (who aren't drunks) hanging out with kids.

It isn't necessarily a good idea for such relationships to be unsupervised though.

 

[Some JERK]

While I do understand why people would look down on a 45 year old dating an 18 year old, and it would make me uncomfortable, a lot of people don't ever think about relationships between 40 and 70 year olds, or 30 and 50 year olds. Things like that. People always jump to the 40+ year old dating an 18 year old, which I do agree seems a little suspect, but it is legal and as long as there is no abuse going on I don't care who people have relationships with.

Of course there's big difference between a 30 year gap between an 18 year old and a 48 year old and a 30 year gap between a 40 year old and a 70 year old. But that's the point. All things are not equal at all ages.

 

[AnOminous]

It isn't necessarily a good idea for such relationships to be unsupervised though.

A person who had such a mentoring relationship with no ulterior motives would be careful to make sure as much of it as possible occurred in public or at least around other people, to avoid accusations.

They shouldn't have to, but it's a less than perfect world.

 

[GS 281]

A person who had such a mentoring relationship with no ulterior motives would be careful to make sure as much of it as possible occurred in public or at least around other people, to avoid accusations.

They shouldn't have to, but it's a less than perfect world.

You would think, but there are adults 30-40 years old who would engage in relationships with daily contact over the internet with kids 16 and under.

 

[Kazami Yuuka]

All IGR's have a potential of working. But if it fails, which is almost a certainty, it will come crashing down. This is usually disastrous for both people involved, including their reputation with friends & family. Ultimately though, I wouldn't stop you if you wanted to try engaging in an IGR.

 

[Sperglord Dante]

The first thing that came to my mind while reading the title was volunteers in old people's homes. I didn't expect the thread to be so judgementalist.

In some situations, mentorship is pretty much just friendship under a different label. Like the big brother/big sister program is pretty much just adults (who aren't drunks) hanging out with kids.

And those really aren't too different from the single uncles/aunts who like to take their siblings' children out, or some nannies who are more of a playmate than a figure of authority to the children they take care of.

 

[SP 199]

This isn't inner circle...

 

[Philosophy Zombie]

when one person is underage, is it appropriate to have a strong relationship with them where you speak every day? I have to say that I feel that would be unhealthy for the child and a sign that the adult should be looked at with suspicion.

You would think, but there are adults 30-40 years old who would engage in relationships with daily contact over the internet with kids 16 and under.

If that's the case, any person over the age of 30 who uses Kiwi Farms's chat on a daily basis should be looked at with scrutiny.

I'd leave it at that normally but since this is Deep Thoughts I'll add something slightly more substantial. It's a popular idea in sociological circles that the current concept of adolescence as an extension of childhood is a recent invention that arose during the 20th century, particularly during the era after WW2; until recently, children 13 and older inhabited the social spheres of adults and the "mentorship" roles that you were referring to earlier between adults and children were ubiquitous. The modern-day situation where adolescents socialize only with one another has delayed the onset of emotional maturity compared to where it was two centuries ago. Ironically the onset of physical puberty has actually become earlier over time as well, accentuating the discrepancy between sexual and emotional maturity that we see in teenagers.