- Joined
- Mar 15, 2019
In a bid to win the Most Speshul Momma Award, women across the world are scrambling to garner as much attention as possible for their big moment—childbirth. But what is a woman to do when everyone else is having their babies at the boring old hospital? She has to up her game, of course. As essential as oils, asspats are a snowflake mom’s lifesource and she’s eating for two now. It has to be something unique. Something cutting-edge.
Something like…
Who needs health monitoring when you can shit your baby out like it’s just another Tuesday? This section covers strong independent women who don’t need no obstetrician taking on the burden of childbirth all on their own. If you’ve ever longed to be a tribal woman in a third-world country with no access to medical care, this might be the birth plan for you.
In this corner we have a family of forest dwellers calling themselves Adventure Agents, led by schizodad Agent Tex who honestly warrants a thread all of his own. Here you can watch Agent Trinity give birth to Agent Rainbow in an unsanitary, steaming hot metal tub in the woods where not even paramedics are available in case of emergency. This is a rare example of the father being even more psychotic about childbirth than the mother—check out how absolutely exhausted and fed-up she looks during the whole experience.
Next we have Legaci Birth, a childbirth-obsessed fairy-kin vlogger (I'll give you a moment to sit with that) who has dedicated her channel to unmedicated, unassisted birthing videos, some even including teens. Legaci has gone on record saying that birth is supposed to feel good, along with other bold claims like being able to pottytrain newborns and how epidurals cause dystocia (failure for the baby to descend). Her fanbase, small though they may be, regards her as “the birth Queen
“ and buys into her channel wholeheartedly—and literally. Legaci is snake oil saleswoman, offering her skills as a virtual doula starting at $1,200. I have scoured her website and all of her social media, and nowhere have I been able to find any of her medical certifications.
Here is Legaci giving birth in her bathtub while dressed like a fairy goddess:
Many woman like Legaci who support birth without medical intervention also tend to support “lotus birth.” In lotus birth, instead of cutting off the umbilical cord, the parents leave it to fall off on its own, which can take up to three days. Seeing as the umbilical cord is all dead tissue, this is a paradise for bacteria and is just begging for the newborn to develop an infection.
You'll notice that a lot of these natural births are being performed in bathtubs. This is because natural/unassisted birth tends to go hand-in-hand with a little something called water birth.
In water birth, labor and delivery is spent in a warm pool of water for the mother’s comfort and relaxation. While some birthing centers and hospitals offer water birth with professional aid, this is mostly practiced at home unassisted or better yet, outside in the backyard for your neighbors to see. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists has gone on record stating that this is an “experimental procedure with risks,” so in other words it’s probably fine. Water birth has been said to reduce vaginal tearing and increase blood flow to the uterus--in no medical journal has this been proven. But other moms and doulas say that it’s “empowering,” and that’s all that really matters.
The first thing you’re probably thinking after “what the fuck” is “wouldn’t that drown the baby?” The answer is: not necessarily. Much like the ever reliable pull-out method that got these dipshits pregnant in the first place, you are meant to exit the pool once your cervix is completely dilated. I want you to imagine for a moment trying to stand up and exit a pool of water while you are in your second stage of labor. I also want you to imagine even knowing that you are in your second stage of labor when this is your first time giving birth and you are unaccompanied by quality OBGYNs.
Some women just say "fuck it" and birth their babies straight into the water, citing that "babies have a dive reflex that will keep them from breathing until they're exposed to air." Certified Nurse Midwife Isabelle Guillou explains here in "Waterbirth Demystified" that "it is critical to know that severely low oxygen levels or high levels of carbon dioxide will trigger the gasp reflex before the baby has a chance to be brought out of the water and could result in water aspiration and drowning."
Outside of asphyxiation/death, the other risks of water birth include but are not limited to:
But that’s all just sciency mumbo-jumbo meant to keep women enslaved. Surely it can’t be that unsafe if other moms are doing it. For example, let’s look at our own beloved trainwreck Robyn Grogitsky-Ramírez (also known as The Empathic Nutritionist) and her waterlogged potato, Luna.
(image courtesy of OP)
Luna’s birth caused her to develop cystic hydrocephalus after Robyn refused all pre-natal care during her pregnancy and opted for birthing Luna in a hot tub instead during a three-day long labor wherein Luna’s umbilical cord wrapped around her neck several times, cutting off her oxygen. Read more about that here, in case you feel you’ve been sleeping just a little too well at night.
So Robyn sucks at motherhood. That's just a fluke, right? Here's another case of underwater birth resulting in the vegetation of a viable newborn. Published in the Canadian Medical Association Journal is the case of an 8-day-old baby girl brought to the hospital after developing Legionnaire's Disease, an extremely rare and critical form of necrotizing pneumonia contracted by inhaling water contaminated by Legionella into the lungs.
The child was transferred to the ICU for two months with sepsis and multi-organ failure. Her current status is unknown.
The goal of water birth is more or less to keep the mother relaxed and comfortable. But the pain of childbirth has sincerely been overstated through the years, mostly thanks to pop media, and some women reasonably find themselves nevertheless terrified of labor. Maybe warm water and an absence of medical professionals isn't enough to relax you. Maybe you need...
Thankfully hypnobirth isn’t half as dangerous as the rest but it is twice as stupid. In 1989, Marie Mongan wrote “Hypnobirth: A Celebration of Life” which proposed that a strong enough meditative state could eliminate the pain of child labor completely. As you can imagine, the promise of pain-free labor makes for one hell of a snake oil racket. With the mantra “Your birth doesn’t have to hurt,” HypnoActive Birth reassures that after taking their classes, you will be able to speed up the labor process with little to no pain by breathing, moving, and vocalizing—but, like, intuitively, ya know? For the low low price of $500, or about 2,340 diapers, you can spend 16 hours of your life learning how to breathe deep enough to forget that you’re squeezing a watermelon out of a lemon. And if you’re still experiencing any discomfort or pain during labor, it’s because your chakra is wack and it’s all your fault.
Also capitalizing on pre-labor anxieties is feminist Emma Armstrong, or The Naked Doula, describing herself as a "Birth Influencer" with the mantra "Floppy Face, Floppy Fanny." This is referring to her idea that if women can relax her face, she can relax the rest of her body and basically convince herself that the pain isn't real--I'm just going to let you sort out the irony on that one yourselves. Emma's website offers a visual hypnobirth online course for £55, or $72. You can expect to find gripping, barrier-breaking advice similar to what she posts on her Instagram, including my favorite reel where she lists her top 10 contraction hacks while dancing like a cringy tiktoker.
But why settle for relaxation when your birth could be pleasurable? In comes (pun intended) orgasmic birth, the new childbirth trend that has swept the nation. What's that? You don't even want to know what orgasmic birth is? Well, I'll tell you.
Orgasmic birth is exactly what it sounds like: attempting to orgasm during childbirth to ease the pains of labor. Debra Pascali Bonaro, producer of “Orgasmic Birth: The Best Kept Secret” calls it “every woman’s human right," promoting masturbation or even encouraging your partner to pleasure you sexually as you give birth. I don't have much more to say about this, since it really doesn't compromise the health of the baby or the mother, so I'll let these two videos speak for themselves.
Imagine learning that the first thing you did when you arrived on this earth was make your mother cum. What an entrance--or exit, if you prefer.
(quick obligatory “orgasms can be involuntary and if you experienced involuntary arousal/orgasm during childbirth or breastfeeding or what have you that doesn’t make you a crazy person until you brag about it online.” We good? Moving on.)
So you can have an orgasm during birth, big whoop. Your Inner Goddess has nothing on this next bunch, who uncovered the majestic chakra-aligning secret of--you definitely didn't guess it--dolphin-assisted birth.
Alright, I'm really not fucking around anymore. These people are trying to get dolphins to deliver their babies and I am losing my mind.
First I would like to introduce Igor Charkovsky, the self-described "Father of Sea Births" who simply can't get enough of drowning babies and sexually assaulting women. Igor's first kill was a seven-month-old Israeli infant, who he had been repeatedly drowning since birth through healing sessions that he said would "heal her from trauma, cleanse her karmas and strengthen her." He would hold her in twisted positions and force her head underwater until she inhaled through her nose instead of her mouth. Igor demanded that the infant child spend up to 10 hours a day in a chlorinated pool, where she was to have her naps and feedings.
Igor also enjoyed chucking infants into pools, including a five-year-old boy who, as a passing-by witness and father states, "he just picked up like an object, without any preparation, without any empathy, gentleness or attentiveness to the boy's screams." This went on for a full hour until the boy was vomiting water that he had inhaled while screaming.
Igor was also charged in 1996 for sexually abusing two women in Massachusetts during "healing" sessions. He was not convicted on account of he no English good.
According to Newsweek, Igor claims to have witnessed several dolphin-assisted births in the Black Sea while he was practicing as a midwife. He says that he saw a mother and her baby "playing" with the dolphins in the Black Sea within only 45 minutes of the birth, and in another instance he saw a dolphin lifting a newborn baby to the surface of the water for his first breath (Firger, 2015.) His research assistant also claimed that babies born from dolphin-assisted births reached speaking and walking milestones six months in advance. Thanks to his bold-faced bullshittery, Hawaiianschizophrenic spiritual healer Dorina Rosin got the bright idea to have her own dolphin-assisted birth.
Rosin was featured in Katie Piper's Extraordinary Births where she described her intentions to give birth in the ocean surrounded by her beloved dolphins. Her midwife claims that being with the dolphins allows her oxytocin, which triggers labor contractions, to be released. Rosin herself states that "Dolphins are teachers in opening our hearts, and they are helping me to connect with my baby and to relax." Because if there's anything that relaxes mothers, it's swimming 8-months along in the ocean surrounded by giant carnivorous marine mammals that could kill you in one blow.
Rosin says she sometimes "hears words" from the dolphins talking to her, and that after sending them a telepathic invitation to her birth, they telepathically responded that she would have to have it in the ocean. Rosin also believed that giving birth surrounded by dolphins would enable her baby the power to "speak dolphin." Instead of getting an ultrasound, Rosin opted for a pendulum séance, a paranormal method which is meant for communicating with dead spirits. She determined that she would be having twins.
Sadly, Rosin went into labor in the middle of the night before she could enter the sea and her one baby was born on land as a sad, non-magic human child.
Rosin is not the only woman to be swayed by the idea of magical dolphin midwives. Heather and Adam Barringer of North Carolina headed to the New Age Sirius Institute in Pohoa, Hawaii to have their own dolphin-blessed birth. NC marine biologist Christie Wilcox ripped this idea to shreds by stating that "this is, hands-down, one of the worst natural birthing ideas anyone has ever had." She went on to say that male dolphins are "aggressive, horny animals" who "get a kick out of beating on and killing other animals for no apparent reason other than that they enjoy it."
Other medical professionals have commented that this is another practice just begging for infection, as the ocean and the dolphins themselves are filled to the brim with bacteria that a newborn is not nearly developed enough to fight off.
For a quick fun cow crossover, Legaci Birth endorses Igor Charkovsky's methods in this Instagram post here:
Now, I've seriously had enough of all this craziness. It would be so much better if these nutty women would just shut their traps and push out their young like good little host-bodies, wouldn't it? I'm kidding, of course.
But L. Ron Hubbard isn't.
Always one to fetishize the destruction of normal family bonding, The Church of Scientology mandates that all members present during childbirth including the mother must not utter a word for fear of compromising the newborn's morality. According to L. Ron Hubbard, the “reactive mind” is the source of all fears, upsets, insecurities and nightmares, and any words spoken during childbirth, even words of encouragement, will have an adverse effect on the child later in life. In truth, this is a tactic to kill feelings of attachment between the mother and the newborn, as Scientology resents any family dynamic that might distract a person from giving 100% of their focus (and money) to the church.
Also a noted enemy of all things medicine and/or women, Hubbard demands unassisted, drug-free childbirth--that's right, you're gonna push out that fucker raw and you're gonna like it. He states in “Preventative Dianetics” that the after the birth, the baby should “be wrapped somewhat tightly in a warm blanket, very soft, and then left alone for a day or so,” a quote which Scientology wholeheartedly denies on their website. Hubbard despises the bond between mother and child, but don't read too much into that or you might just start to think that Scientology was founded on the basis of a scorned man whose mommy didn't love him enough.
Scientology celebrities Katie Holmes, Kelly Preston and Anne Archer avidly defend their silent birth practice, and it has absolutely nothing to do with keeping that Celebrity Center gravy train flowing.
As we all know, mothers are infallible beings who know their body best. Rather than waste time parenting their own newborns, some equally neurotic mommas have decided to camp out online where they can dedicate their lives to reassuringthemselves other mommas of this. On the website What To Expect, you can find a slew of delusional mothers-to-be backed by lovebombing, gaslighting and advertisements for virtual doulas and hypnobirthing courses.
Nicole Cliffe, editor of The Toast, compiled a nice set of screenshots from snowflake birthing forums. Read her article here. My personal favorite quote is “my second birth was so perfect. until i pushed out her head and no body followed.”
Snark aside, hospital births are not perfect, especially in the United States with an above-world-average infant mortality rate and hospital bills through the roof. Medical battery, unnecessary C-sections and child misplacement are just a few things expectant mothers have to worry about when preparing for delivery.
Over the years, medical research has helped to reduce damage/death in infants, but medicine will never be flawless. Remember when doctors used to recommend smoking to pregnant mothers to reduce stress? Yeah. No amount of formal or informal education will ever reap the exact right answers to everything.
In my humble opinion, it ultimately comes down to your motivations and how you go about them. Are you looking for the safest method possible to ensure your child will be born without complications? Do your research—academic research—and seek as much objective information as you can. Speak up for yourself. Don’t be afraid to be skeptical. Looking for as much online attention and asspats as you can possibly get? Then do whatever the fuck you want. Squeeze your baby out while skydiving for all I care.
So, discuss among yourselves: Do any of these birthing practices have any merit? What motivates women to seek alternative forms of childbirth? Where are the fathers in all this? Know any other unorthodox birthing methods or Momcows? What does the future hold for trendy pregnancy as social media evolves? Most importantly, how do I know if IM prengan?
Something like…
Au Naturale Birth
Who needs health monitoring when you can shit your baby out like it’s just another Tuesday? This section covers strong independent women who don’t need no obstetrician taking on the burden of childbirth all on their own. If you’ve ever longed to be a tribal woman in a third-world country with no access to medical care, this might be the birth plan for you.
In this corner we have a family of forest dwellers calling themselves Adventure Agents, led by schizodad Agent Tex who honestly warrants a thread all of his own. Here you can watch Agent Trinity give birth to Agent Rainbow in an unsanitary, steaming hot metal tub in the woods where not even paramedics are available in case of emergency. This is a rare example of the father being even more psychotic about childbirth than the mother—check out how absolutely exhausted and fed-up she looks during the whole experience.
Next we have Legaci Birth, a childbirth-obsessed fairy-kin vlogger (I'll give you a moment to sit with that) who has dedicated her channel to unmedicated, unassisted birthing videos, some even including teens. Legaci has gone on record saying that birth is supposed to feel good, along with other bold claims like being able to pottytrain newborns and how epidurals cause dystocia (failure for the baby to descend). Her fanbase, small though they may be, regards her as “the birth Queen
“ and buys into her channel wholeheartedly—and literally. Legaci is snake oil saleswoman, offering her skills as a virtual doula starting at $1,200. I have scoured her website and all of her social media, and nowhere have I been able to find any of her medical certifications.Here is Legaci giving birth in her bathtub while dressed like a fairy goddess:
Many woman like Legaci who support birth without medical intervention also tend to support “lotus birth.” In lotus birth, instead of cutting off the umbilical cord, the parents leave it to fall off on its own, which can take up to three days. Seeing as the umbilical cord is all dead tissue, this is a paradise for bacteria and is just begging for the newborn to develop an infection.
You'll notice that a lot of these natural births are being performed in bathtubs. This is because natural/unassisted birth tends to go hand-in-hand with a little something called water birth.
Water Birth
In water birth, labor and delivery is spent in a warm pool of water for the mother’s comfort and relaxation. While some birthing centers and hospitals offer water birth with professional aid, this is mostly practiced at home unassisted or better yet, outside in the backyard for your neighbors to see. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists has gone on record stating that this is an “experimental procedure with risks,” so in other words it’s probably fine. Water birth has been said to reduce vaginal tearing and increase blood flow to the uterus--in no medical journal has this been proven. But other moms and doulas say that it’s “empowering,” and that’s all that really matters.
The first thing you’re probably thinking after “what the fuck” is “wouldn’t that drown the baby?” The answer is: not necessarily. Much like the ever reliable pull-out method that got these dipshits pregnant in the first place, you are meant to exit the pool once your cervix is completely dilated. I want you to imagine for a moment trying to stand up and exit a pool of water while you are in your second stage of labor. I also want you to imagine even knowing that you are in your second stage of labor when this is your first time giving birth and you are unaccompanied by quality OBGYNs.
Some women just say "fuck it" and birth their babies straight into the water, citing that "babies have a dive reflex that will keep them from breathing until they're exposed to air." Certified Nurse Midwife Isabelle Guillou explains here in "Waterbirth Demystified" that "it is critical to know that severely low oxygen levels or high levels of carbon dioxide will trigger the gasp reflex before the baby has a chance to be brought out of the water and could result in water aspiration and drowning."
Outside of asphyxiation/death, the other risks of water birth include but are not limited to:
- Low Apgar score (test that measures the health of the newborn)
- Dehydration
- Hypotension
- Heart rate increase in the mother and baby from high water temperature
- Infection from the variety of body fluids and contaminants in the water (it is not uncommon for women to pass stool during labor)
- Seizures
- Breakage of the umbilical cord before the baby is expelled
But that’s all just sciency mumbo-jumbo meant to keep women enslaved. Surely it can’t be that unsafe if other moms are doing it. For example, let’s look at our own beloved trainwreck Robyn Grogitsky-Ramírez (also known as The Empathic Nutritionist) and her waterlogged potato, Luna.
(image courtesy of OP)
Luna’s birth caused her to develop cystic hydrocephalus after Robyn refused all pre-natal care during her pregnancy and opted for birthing Luna in a hot tub instead during a three-day long labor wherein Luna’s umbilical cord wrapped around her neck several times, cutting off her oxygen. Read more about that here, in case you feel you’ve been sleeping just a little too well at night.
So Robyn sucks at motherhood. That's just a fluke, right? Here's another case of underwater birth resulting in the vegetation of a viable newborn. Published in the Canadian Medical Association Journal is the case of an 8-day-old baby girl brought to the hospital after developing Legionnaire's Disease, an extremely rare and critical form of necrotizing pneumonia contracted by inhaling water contaminated by Legionella into the lungs.
The child was transferred to the ICU for two months with sepsis and multi-organ failure. Her current status is unknown.
The goal of water birth is more or less to keep the mother relaxed and comfortable. But the pain of childbirth has sincerely been overstated through the years, mostly thanks to pop media, and some women reasonably find themselves nevertheless terrified of labor. Maybe warm water and an absence of medical professionals isn't enough to relax you. Maybe you need...
Hypnobirth
Thankfully hypnobirth isn’t half as dangerous as the rest but it is twice as stupid. In 1989, Marie Mongan wrote “Hypnobirth: A Celebration of Life” which proposed that a strong enough meditative state could eliminate the pain of child labor completely. As you can imagine, the promise of pain-free labor makes for one hell of a snake oil racket. With the mantra “Your birth doesn’t have to hurt,” HypnoActive Birth reassures that after taking their classes, you will be able to speed up the labor process with little to no pain by breathing, moving, and vocalizing—but, like, intuitively, ya know? For the low low price of $500, or about 2,340 diapers, you can spend 16 hours of your life learning how to breathe deep enough to forget that you’re squeezing a watermelon out of a lemon. And if you’re still experiencing any discomfort or pain during labor, it’s because your chakra is wack and it’s all your fault.
Also capitalizing on pre-labor anxieties is feminist Emma Armstrong, or The Naked Doula, describing herself as a "Birth Influencer" with the mantra "Floppy Face, Floppy Fanny." This is referring to her idea that if women can relax her face, she can relax the rest of her body and basically convince herself that the pain isn't real--I'm just going to let you sort out the irony on that one yourselves. Emma's website offers a visual hypnobirth online course for £55, or $72. You can expect to find gripping, barrier-breaking advice similar to what she posts on her Instagram, including my favorite reel where she lists her top 10 contraction hacks while dancing like a cringy tiktoker.
But why settle for relaxation when your birth could be pleasurable? In comes (pun intended) orgasmic birth, the new childbirth trend that has swept the nation. What's that? You don't even want to know what orgasmic birth is? Well, I'll tell you.
Orgasmic/Ecstatic Birth
Orgasmic birth is exactly what it sounds like: attempting to orgasm during childbirth to ease the pains of labor. Debra Pascali Bonaro, producer of “Orgasmic Birth: The Best Kept Secret” calls it “every woman’s human right," promoting masturbation or even encouraging your partner to pleasure you sexually as you give birth. I don't have much more to say about this, since it really doesn't compromise the health of the baby or the mother, so I'll let these two videos speak for themselves.
Imagine learning that the first thing you did when you arrived on this earth was make your mother cum. What an entrance--or exit, if you prefer.
(quick obligatory “orgasms can be involuntary and if you experienced involuntary arousal/orgasm during childbirth or breastfeeding or what have you that doesn’t make you a crazy person until you brag about it online.” We good? Moving on.)
So you can have an orgasm during birth, big whoop. Your Inner Goddess has nothing on this next bunch, who uncovered the majestic chakra-aligning secret of--you definitely didn't guess it--dolphin-assisted birth.
Dolphin-Assisted Birth
Alright, I'm really not fucking around anymore. These people are trying to get dolphins to deliver their babies and I am losing my mind.
First I would like to introduce Igor Charkovsky, the self-described "Father of Sea Births" who simply can't get enough of drowning babies and sexually assaulting women. Igor's first kill was a seven-month-old Israeli infant, who he had been repeatedly drowning since birth through healing sessions that he said would "heal her from trauma, cleanse her karmas and strengthen her." He would hold her in twisted positions and force her head underwater until she inhaled through her nose instead of her mouth. Igor demanded that the infant child spend up to 10 hours a day in a chlorinated pool, where she was to have her naps and feedings.
Igor also enjoyed chucking infants into pools, including a five-year-old boy who, as a passing-by witness and father states, "he just picked up like an object, without any preparation, without any empathy, gentleness or attentiveness to the boy's screams." This went on for a full hour until the boy was vomiting water that he had inhaled while screaming.
Igor was also charged in 1996 for sexually abusing two women in Massachusetts during "healing" sessions. He was not convicted on account of he no English good.
What the fuck does any of this have to do with dolphins?
According to Newsweek, Igor claims to have witnessed several dolphin-assisted births in the Black Sea while he was practicing as a midwife. He says that he saw a mother and her baby "playing" with the dolphins in the Black Sea within only 45 minutes of the birth, and in another instance he saw a dolphin lifting a newborn baby to the surface of the water for his first breath (Firger, 2015.) His research assistant also claimed that babies born from dolphin-assisted births reached speaking and walking milestones six months in advance. Thanks to his bold-faced bullshittery, Hawaiian
Rosin was featured in Katie Piper's Extraordinary Births where she described her intentions to give birth in the ocean surrounded by her beloved dolphins. Her midwife claims that being with the dolphins allows her oxytocin, which triggers labor contractions, to be released. Rosin herself states that "Dolphins are teachers in opening our hearts, and they are helping me to connect with my baby and to relax." Because if there's anything that relaxes mothers, it's swimming 8-months along in the ocean surrounded by giant carnivorous marine mammals that could kill you in one blow.
Rosin says she sometimes "hears words" from the dolphins talking to her, and that after sending them a telepathic invitation to her birth, they telepathically responded that she would have to have it in the ocean. Rosin also believed that giving birth surrounded by dolphins would enable her baby the power to "speak dolphin." Instead of getting an ultrasound, Rosin opted for a pendulum séance, a paranormal method which is meant for communicating with dead spirits. She determined that she would be having twins.
Sadly, Rosin went into labor in the middle of the night before she could enter the sea and her one baby was born on land as a sad, non-magic human child.
Rosin is not the only woman to be swayed by the idea of magical dolphin midwives. Heather and Adam Barringer of North Carolina headed to the New Age Sirius Institute in Pohoa, Hawaii to have their own dolphin-blessed birth. NC marine biologist Christie Wilcox ripped this idea to shreds by stating that "this is, hands-down, one of the worst natural birthing ideas anyone has ever had." She went on to say that male dolphins are "aggressive, horny animals" who "get a kick out of beating on and killing other animals for no apparent reason other than that they enjoy it."
Other medical professionals have commented that this is another practice just begging for infection, as the ocean and the dolphins themselves are filled to the brim with bacteria that a newborn is not nearly developed enough to fight off.
For a quick fun cow crossover, Legaci Birth endorses Igor Charkovsky's methods in this Instagram post here:
Now, I've seriously had enough of all this craziness. It would be so much better if these nutty women would just shut their traps and push out their young like good little host-bodies, wouldn't it? I'm kidding, of course.
But L. Ron Hubbard isn't.
Silent Birth (Scientology)
Always one to fetishize the destruction of normal family bonding, The Church of Scientology mandates that all members present during childbirth including the mother must not utter a word for fear of compromising the newborn's morality. According to L. Ron Hubbard, the “reactive mind” is the source of all fears, upsets, insecurities and nightmares, and any words spoken during childbirth, even words of encouragement, will have an adverse effect on the child later in life. In truth, this is a tactic to kill feelings of attachment between the mother and the newborn, as Scientology resents any family dynamic that might distract a person from giving 100% of their focus (and money) to the church.
Also a noted enemy of all things medicine and/or women, Hubbard demands unassisted, drug-free childbirth--that's right, you're gonna push out that fucker raw and you're gonna like it. He states in “Preventative Dianetics” that the after the birth, the baby should “be wrapped somewhat tightly in a warm blanket, very soft, and then left alone for a day or so,” a quote which Scientology wholeheartedly denies on their website. Hubbard despises the bond between mother and child, but don't read too much into that or you might just start to think that Scientology was founded on the basis of a scorned man whose mommy didn't love him enough.
Scientology celebrities Katie Holmes, Kelly Preston and Anne Archer avidly defend their silent birth practice, and it has absolutely nothing to do with keeping that Celebrity Center gravy train flowing.
The Echo Chamber
As we all know, mothers are infallible beings who know their body best. Rather than waste time parenting their own newborns, some equally neurotic mommas have decided to camp out online where they can dedicate their lives to reassuring
Nicole Cliffe, editor of The Toast, compiled a nice set of screenshots from snowflake birthing forums. Read her article here. My personal favorite quote is “my second birth was so perfect. until i pushed out her head and no body followed.”
The Gray Area
Snark aside, hospital births are not perfect, especially in the United States with an above-world-average infant mortality rate and hospital bills through the roof. Medical battery, unnecessary C-sections and child misplacement are just a few things expectant mothers have to worry about when preparing for delivery.
Over the years, medical research has helped to reduce damage/death in infants, but medicine will never be flawless. Remember when doctors used to recommend smoking to pregnant mothers to reduce stress? Yeah. No amount of formal or informal education will ever reap the exact right answers to everything.
In my humble opinion, it ultimately comes down to your motivations and how you go about them. Are you looking for the safest method possible to ensure your child will be born without complications? Do your research—academic research—and seek as much objective information as you can. Speak up for yourself. Don’t be afraid to be skeptical. Looking for as much online attention and asspats as you can possibly get? Then do whatever the fuck you want. Squeeze your baby out while skydiving for all I care.
So, discuss among yourselves: Do any of these birthing practices have any merit? What motivates women to seek alternative forms of childbirth? Where are the fathers in all this? Know any other unorthodox birthing methods or Momcows? What does the future hold for trendy pregnancy as social media evolves? Most importantly, how do I know if IM prengan?
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I’ll leave any further birthing methods out of the OP since it’s too long as is and I want people to have more to discuss, but I took a look at what you found and fucking wow. Maybe next time Mom should give birth in a well where absolutely no one can reach her. That way her and baby can have the Ultimate Natural Bonding Experience. MOTI 
