There's a lot of things I need to get off my chest at this very moment. It's been bothering me for months and has caused me to fall into massive depression episodes. My sadness and hurting goes back to where it all started growing up and thinking about it now just brings it all back on how I feel sometimes during my off days.
All my life while growing up, I've never been a very understanding person. I grew up in a family where everyone was completely strict, born and raised in a Catholic family even though on social media I don't reveal much about my religion (don't want anyone thinking I'm weird or anything for being Catholic/Christian based on what I believe in). My life has been nothing but sadness & tears as I was a young boy who felt left in the dark. When my parents got divorced sometime after I turned 9 it was very rough for me. I was a young kid, I didn't know what to do. I had friends, but everyone just made fun of me just for being a shy awkward person. I was made fun of for being silent and for believing in God as a child, thinking I was some sort of freak. There were kids who understood me and became my friend, but later they just used me to avoid any form of negativity.
In middle school, my mother ruined my childhood. She was really strict with everything I did because all she wanted was for me to be like her: successful in school even though I already was. At most times I felt like I could never be a kid: she was okay with me having friends and going to their houses to hangout, but at the same time she told me I was wasting my time and my life. She hated me being a gamer, and whenever I had free time just to play video games all she did was get upset and say, "Time's up. It's time to start working. We're going to do some housework and then it's time to study." I didn't want any of that. I just wanted to be a kid was all. I explained it to her and how I felt, but she didn't listen to me. I tried telling her how I felt and she did was yell at me. Whenever she yelled at me as a child for either "not listening" or being a failure if I made bad grades for example I would go hide away in the laundry cupboard, crying and feeling scared. She knew about my hiding place but every time she knew I was there it was all, "It can't be fun and games for you all the time, buddy. But you just need to suck it up!!" When I told my dad about it, all he did was just hug it out with me, but as I tried explaining to him what I was dealing with all he could say was, "Just do your best." he'd say in such a calm manner. But I felt like he never listened to me, nor did he understand what I was going through.
High school were my worst years. I tried to get into dating, but I felt like a piece of shit. A person who didn't have the courage to talk to girls and would freeze up majority of the time would always get shoved aside...which that person was me. Throughout my 4 years in high school, I would wander the halls and most of the girls would give me odd stares like I did something wrong. One however came up to me and said, "You're such a stalker. It's no wonder why you don't have a girlfriend. NO one wants to be around a guy who believes in Jesus and is always too nice all the time! Girls want bad boys, once who love to go party, not some nerdy guy who also plays video games. All you're doing is just wasting your time. With what you're going through I highly doubt you'll ever find a girlfriend. Grow a fucking backbone already and suck it up! Weirdo..." That line in the past to me was a curse placed for the longest time in my life. When I tried explaining myself just for being a shy person no one would listen to me and just think I'm just making shit up just to get myself out of situations. I barely had anyone to help me through it, even though in all 4 of my band years I did have friends.
In college from 2013-2020, I dealt with a VERY toxic group of IRL friends who treated me like crap. In the beginning hanging out with them felt like I could be anyone I wanted, but around 2016 was when it got worse. My "friends" would tease me for being such a weirdo. When I would go to gatherings at some of their houses, all their parents labeled me as gay, neither giving me the light of day to explain that I wasn't. Whenever I tried explaining to them how I felt and that I wasn't gay, their parents would pat my head and say, "It's okay, buddy. There's nothing wrong with being a homosexual. You shouldn't hide something like that." I was so close to yelling and just storming out the door, but it wasn't worth it. A friend in that group who I looked up to really fucked up my life. On a car ride home in 2016, he punched me in the car while I was driving 75mph on the freeway and didn't care that he could've almost killed us both. All because I told him a joke I made about him, and he got pissed about it. We talked, and suddenly we made up...didn't feel right to me. Throughout that year I was into dating sometime after I met the group in 2013. One of my GFs from 2016 decided to break up with me because it took me awhile to discover that all she wanted from me was sex, as I was in no position to commit to something like that. 3 days after the breakup, I caught her in the act when she posted a tweet stating that guys likes me who go to church are weird. "Send church as fucking far away as possible" she would say in a tweet. Another friend in my group of friends wanted to date my ex after the way she treated me. When I explained to him what she did to me he was like, "Yeah yeah yeah. Don't worry. I'll be fine. I like her cuz we have the same things in common" Yet...you don't CARE on how I got hurt?!!! Un FUCKING believable!! Didn't understand me or didn't give two shits at all.
When I got kicked out from that former IRL group of friends who treated me like shit and had the guy who ruined my life by punching me in the car, I felt like I was going to be alone for the rest of my life and keep myself hidden and lurking in the dark. At that time, I had another group of friends who accepted anyone, were very nice and said, "You're too nice. Please don't ever change." and it felt heart-warming.
From 2020-2022 I've always felt like a total failure. Most of the time I feel like it was a crime for me being too nice, and a good guy. I've lost friends and made new ones, but the ones I lost including the last GF I dated back in 2018 she's gone too.
Most of the time I feel like I've always been a failure, and just one stone that everyone tends to pass by every now and then. I know in the past I fucked up whenever I lost friends but when I tried making up with them all I got was, "Put a cork in it, buddy. You fucked up big time" That' why sometimes whenever people call me "Buddy" I just feel like it goes back to when people would get upset with me in the past even when I didn't do anything wrong after trying to explain to them what really happened in the situation.
I've made dumb decisions over the years, and yeah I'll admit...I can't think straight at all. I know in the past especially now I know I screwed up, probably have made people uncomfortable when I don't intend to, and...I'm sorry for that. All I wanted was to find happiness in my life including in the world of dating, but sometimes I just want people to understand me. I do have my friends and I care about them so much, but...why do I feel like that no one understands me at all?
This is something I question almost every day in my life. Sometimes I feel like that on most opportunities I'm not doing a good job on being me, which is why it leads me to have depression episodes. I ask myself almost every day if I should change but I hear a voice from beyond...telling me "Don't ever change" But I don't understand why some people get upset with me for making bad decisions and for being too nice all the time?
The only thing I want in my life is to just be happy, live life to the fullest, and continue being surrounded by friends who understand me for the kind of person I am, even if I don't mean harm. There's one quote I like that helps me through most occasions and that's, "Nothing starts until you take action. If you have time to worry, then run."
I do apologize for posting something like this, but it was a lot of things I needed to get off my plate and why lately I've been having depression episodes lately behind the scenes. To all my friends who have been there for me and have understood me so well on the kind of person I am...thank you for letting me be me. You guys know I do my best every day whenever someone tells me "You're awesome" or "You're amazing" and to focus on staying positive. A good friend of mine has taught me to not overthink things too much and that friend has done an excellent job on being supportive of me but like a brother.
Thank you, everyone. <3
~Kokiri
