April Lauren / April Lauren Wilson Brown / Wakeupbright - Fake positivity, pedostache husband. Voted fatty most likely on the verge of her Stepford Wife robot programming malfunctioning

[Thomas Eugene Paris]

"My body didn't agree with the wheat so I prefer white."
She knows that white bread is also made of wheat... doesn't she?

I'm not sure if this is what she means, but in Burgerland, it's common to refer to wholemeal bread as "wheat" and the refined stuff as "white". Before Subway restaurants had the fancy breads, for example they'd ask if you wanted your sandwich on "white or wheat".

 

[Casket Base]

I'm glad to see her going parallel on the front squats but why is she not in a squat rack and why on God's green Earth is she doing an olympic lift. I don't have an objection to her being under the bar but she does not need to be doing anything beyond the basics while she's (allegedly) losing weight. Instead of larping as a professional athlete she should be pushing herself to make better choices in the kitchen. Crossfitters are insane, but it's even more insane for a morbidly obese woman to try to keep up with them.

She definitely has a thing for carbs and is probably craving them, hence all the sweetener. If she's going the ~gluten free~ route, she can just add some white rice to her chicken and broccoli meals instead of smothering them in her weird yogurt sauce. Oatmeal with unsweetened almond milk and some cinnamon for breakfast. Stuff like that. But then, how could she name-drop Greg Doucette if she's not making any of his recipes?

The LV bag, even if not a knock-off, is gaudy and hardly the flex she thinks it is. She overcomplicates what should be really simple, obsesses over the superficial, and obfuscates her (lack of) progress with empty platitudes. But, that's what makes her one of my favorite cows.

 

[Ben Lurkin']

Does anyone else see a slight EGO issue with a $2,100 (before tax) LV purse for a gym bag?? Just me? okay... cool.

I'll bet my Monceau, and anything you want to put up on the bar, that this tote is a knock-off.

Here's a real LV Neverfull...​	...and here's a lumpy, dumpy bag (also, her tote)

I can't see the lining (i.e., should be striped & deep red) but Louis Vuitton only makes so many styles in each bag type and leather...the shape of the bag in the picture doesn't really seem to match anything LV has ever put out in the Damier leather imprint.

And these bags stand up and wear like iron. For a real LV to get anywhere near this beat, she'd have to be toting her dumbbells around in it.

Yanno, these days there are some hella great knock-offs, at around $100-200+ out there that can nearly pass.

So, in our next episode of "April & Kennifer Proves Kiwi Farms Wrong!" show us the serial number, gorl.

Unless I see all these proofs that's a genuine LV Neverfull...my money's on that droopy duffle being every bit as fake as April,

 

[Azovka]

I'll bet my Monceau, and anything you want to put up on the bar, that this tote is a knock-off.

Here's a real LV Neverfull...​	...and here's a lumpy, dumpy bag (also, her tote)
View attachment 3242606	View attachment 3242614

I can't see the lining (i.e., should be striped & deep red) but Louis Vuitton only makes so many styles in each bag type and leather...the shape of the bag in the picture doesn't really seem to match anything LV has ever put out in the Damier leather imprint.

And these bags stand up and wear like iron. For a real LV to get anywhere near this beat, she'd have to be toting her dumbbells around in it.

Yanno, these days there are some hella great knock-offs, at around $100-200+ out there that can nearly pass.

So, in our next episode of "April & Kennifer Proves Kiwi Farms Wrong!" show us the serial number, gorl.

Unless I see all these proofs that's a genuine LV Neverfull...my money's on that droopy duffle being every bit as fake as April,

The shape is way too rectangular on the still from her video, but if you look at the straps, their positioning is uneven, so my guess is it's just bent it out of shape to the right. I think it's a genuine, but that, just like April's dogs and herself, she doesn't take good care of it, which is hardly surprising. The colouring might be off due to the footage - in some of her previous videos, it looked way lighter in the front seat of her car.

Designer bags can be fucked up with enough effort.

Spoiler: PL

a lot of my friends were using the Neverfulls as school bags, and the state of some of them after 3 years of high school? Let's just say that if you keep lugging around textbooks, Macbooks & gym shoes day in and day out, the bag's going to suffer for it. Same for me, I had a Marni messenger bag, and I had to replace the clasp when it broke due to all the weight, even though you expect quality from a 1k€ product. Same went for the leather strap on a Marc Jacobs bag, although those are hardly worth as much.
Point is, those houses do indeed make quality items, but they can be ruined due to poor treatment.

Think about it, it's just like April's Tom Ford sunglasses. We know from her Instagram that she's had them from 2012 onwards, and was extremely proud of her purchase to the point of making a post about it. They're the main sunglasses she still wears ten years later. It's the same attitude as showing off the LV bag periodically - we don't see her having other designer bags, just this one. I think it's real, and that April is exactly the kind of person that would spend 1k of her hubby's hard-earned shekels on the most basic designer bag that still screams "wealth". (Personal opinion but I find the chequered LV pattern on large bags ostentatious, just as the gaudy logos high-end brands sometimes put on their low-end products. Quality should speak for itself. There's no need to plaster Chanel or LV or YSL all over it to make sure the audience knows it's expensive.)

Anyways, our butterball probably thinks that her having this one battered LV bag and that one pair of sunglasses suddenly makes her the same kind of stay-at-home wife as the rich ones she sees on all of those Netflix reality TV series about LA (which you know she binges off-screen). Given her delusions about being an athlete, that would be par for the course.

 

[nofilter]

I'll bet my Monceau, and anything you want to put up on the bar, that this tote is a knock-off.

Here's a real LV Neverfull...​	...and here's a lumpy, dumpy bag (also, her tote)
View attachment 3242606	View attachment 3242614

I can't see the lining (i.e., should be striped & deep red) but Louis Vuitton only makes so many styles in each bag type and leather...the shape of the bag in the picture doesn't really seem to match anything LV has ever put out in the Damier leather imprint.

And these bags stand up and wear like iron. For a real LV to get anywhere near this beat, she'd have to be toting her dumbbells around in it.

Yanno, these days there are some hella great knock-offs, at around $100-200+ out there that can nearly pass.

So, in our next episode of "April & Kennifer Proves Kiwi Farms Wrong!" show us the serial number, gorl.

Unless I see all these proofs that's a genuine LV Neverfull...my money's on that droopy duffle being every bit as fake as April,

It looks pretty full for a neverfull! what the hell is in that purse? im guess a tub of anabolic protein powder and power lifting supplements for that extra hulk strength boost.

 

[NoReturn]

Ugh, this face.

View attachment 3227975

How does she already need a reset? Didn't she JUST start her new ~on the edge~ bullshit challenge?

Real talk, how many people do "resets"? What does that even entail? I see people talk about it like it has an accepted definition but here she is talking about how a walk will do it.

 

[George Floyd Sneed]

Real talk, how many people do "resets"? What does that even entail? I see people talk about it like it has an accepted definition but here she is talking about how a walk will do it.

April has as much grasp on the English language as she does her diet. To her, a reset means that she failed at her last thing she did so it no longer counts and you’re just a booly if you bring it up again.

I think it's a genuine

I agree with your logic but we’ve seen from April how utterly delusional she is about everything. If there’s a person who is proud about buying a replica and pretending it’s real, it’s April.

 

[nofilter]

I agree with your logic but we’ve seen from April how utterly delusional she is about everything. If there’s a person who is proud about buying a replica and pretending it’s real, it’s April.

I think this is the closest description of April yet, it sums up her annoying personality so accurately- She acts like she's better than the rest of the world, and no one is at her level to really 'get it' but it's all fake. I'm going to bet she is one of those manipulative girls that cry to anyone she feels could help her but she'll give nothing back for the time and effort.
You know, like that friend that's always asking you for your help to move because you have a truck but when you need them to return the favor, they just don't feel like it and give bullshit excuses. I wonder how much Kennifer has to bend to her will so she gets what she wants and never returns it.

I'll take an Anabolic Cake Batter & Oreo Chocolate Shake with extra Whipped Cream (I earned it, Goddamnit!), a Double-Double w/ Cheese (animal style), Fries, and a DIET Coke... Pro-Tip: Get a DIET Soda instead of Regular because Coach Greg said you should never drink your calories when you're trying to lose weight! #winning #IknowwhatIamdoing #Igotthis

 

[Diet Coke 4 Life]

I was with you until you started to besmirch the perfection that is Diet Coke.

Now I will say that the PX and NEX do sell LV. Legit LV. They're the 'been worn down the walkway and turned over by people for sale thanks to homie hookups to the military dependas' deal thing. I see them regularly and balk at the prices, but with how retarded these two fucking shitheads are with their money, I wouldn't put it past her to take her jootubes bux and her dandy E5 dipshit hubby's paycheck and go waste it on a bag.

However, that one doesn't look legit, as many have pointed out, so whatever. Still a fucking stupid purchase when she could've gotten a decent duffle at the PX for $20. It just would be more function and a lot less 'stylish'.

 

[Lucille's Brands]

New video -

Weigh in Wednesday | Pulling out of a slump... New DEKA STRONG PR? Non-scale victory?

Spoiler: Archive

Haven't watched yet. Like many of you have said, I'm calling bullshit on this perpetual one pound loss.
Like her Youtube persona - If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

 

[The Emperor Skeksis]

I felt a little bad for April here. The gym has some obnoxious guy taking pictures during the DEKA and he just jumps in front of people and blinds them with full flash. I would have thrown that weight at his head if I were April, because she looked like death doing the farmer's carry.



April finished her DEKA strong in 26:33 minutes, a pretty big improvement over her last time, which was 31:23.


She keeps talking about how bad her week was, that it was the worst week she had in ages, a really bad one, etc. She is going to go into more detail in the month update. But don't worry, the DEKA made it all better!

 

[deputydogshit2.0]

I was with you until you started to besmirch the perfection that is Diet Coke.

Now I will say that the PX and NEX do sell LV. Legit LV. They're the 'been worn down the walkway and turned over by people for sale thanks to homie hookups to the military dependas' deal thing. I see them regularly and balk at the prices, but with how retarded these two fucking shitheads are with their money, I wouldn't put it past her to take her jootubes bux and her dandy E5 dipshit hubby's paycheck and go waste it on a bag.

However, that one doesn't look legit, as many have pointed out, so whatever. Still a fucking stupid purchase when she could've gotten a decent duffle at the PX for $20. It just would be more function and a lot less 'stylish'.

Wait…. Kenny is an E5?!?! Do we know how long he’s been in the Army?

 

[Azovka]

I felt a little bad for April here. The gym has some obnoxious guy taking pictures during the DEKA and he just jumps in front of people and blinds them with full flash. I would have thrown that weight at his head if I were April, because she looked like death doing the farmer's carry.

View attachment 3249724View attachment 3249731View attachment 3249732

April finished her DEKA strong in 26:33 minutes, a pretty big improvement over her last time, which was 31:23.
View attachment 3249736

She keeps talking about how bad her week was, that it was the worst week she had in ages, a really bad one, etc. She is going to go into more detail in the month update. But don't worry, the DEKA made it all better!

Lmao, April compares her performance to that of her judge Sandra, who did the DEKA in 23 minutes, and says that "she's getting a good time for someone who works out a lot". (Except half of her challenges are still modified).

And to echo what was mentioned before - April has an entire room filled with overpriced gym clothes from Girlfriend Collective, Flablethics etc. and yet she's always seen in an "oversized" cotton t-shirt and black fit in most of her gym outings. Where are the giant toddler leggings? The blinding yellow tops? Why wouldn't our girl want to bring attention to herself, I wonder?

 

[George Floyd Sneed]

Non-scale victory? What does that even mean?

Also insert the obligatory comment that in her video she looks nowhere near as good as the heavily filtered photos she uploads.

I felt a little bad for April here. The gym has some obnoxious guy taking pictures during the DEKA and he just jumps in front of people and blinds them with full flash. I would have thrown that weight at his head if I were April, because she looked like death doing the farmer's carry.

I think she loved having someone take photos of her that would show off her athleticism as it were. They’re in it for the participation ribbons and trophies, April loves attention, even if it’s negative or neutral.

 

[burntgrilledcheese]

Non-scale victory? What does that even mean?

Also insert the obligatory comment that in her video she looks nowhere near as good as the heavily filtered photos she uploads.

I think she loved having someone take photos of her that would show off her athleticism as it were. They’re in it for the participation ribbons and trophies, April loves attention, even if it’s negative or neutral.

A non scale victory is a concept developed by fitness enthusiasts to celebrate positive changes in your body that aren't about weight. It's a way to acknowledge your progress outside of using a scale: being able to run a mile nonstop, fitting into smaller jeans, saying no to a slice of cake, etc. A little asspat to keep them moving forward.

I think acknowledging progress in a myriad of ways is a healthy motivational tool, but for April, it's just a ruse to make it feel like she's moving in the right direction, and not just spinning her wheels.

 

[Diet Coke 4 Life]

Wait…. Kenny is an E5?!?! Do we know how long he’s been in the Army?

Upon his return from deployment in 2019, he was clearly wearing an E4 ranking badge on his fatigues. Given time-in-rate requirements and assuming he has made rank since then, he would be an E5 - if he'd made E5 during the second half exam cycle of 2019, he would be eligible for E6 late this year.

Even assuming he joined in 2014 (when they got married, and he was 23 years old), it's not entirely out of place. If he's in a closed MOS, he pretty much has to wait for old fuck Master Sargents to roll out to open billets for people to progress. That's why high year tenures have been elevated - you can actually be in for 10 years with a rank no higher than E4, and can now actually retire as an E5 at 20 years thanks to billet availability precluding further advancement.

 

[nofilter]

Upon his return from deployment in 2019, he was clearly wearing an E4 ranking badge on his fatigues. Given time-in-rate requirements and assuming he has made rank since then, he would be an E5 - if he'd made E5 during the second half exam cycle of 2019, he would be eligible for E6 late this year.

Even assuming he joined in 2014 (when they got married, and he was 23 years old), it's not entirely out of place. If he's in a closed MOS, he pretty much has to wait for old fuck Master Sargents to roll out to open billets for people to progress. That's why high year tenures have been elevated - you can actually be in for 10 years with a rank no higher than E4, and can now actually retire as an E5 at 20 years thanks to billet availability precluding further advancement.

This sounds very Navy and very outdated... Army is different and you can no longer retire as an E5. Its rare to see someone retire as an E6. They have QMP boards now that if you dont progress in grade quick enough- they will "QMP" you. What you send about Master Sergeants ( E8 ) only applies to E7s and but so many people retire at E7 or get QMP'd from stalling too long, commonly due to failing an enlisted leadership course. I believe April said Kenny just graduated the 12P school at Ft. Lost in the Woods...

For reference to everyone wondering... points are maxed out at 798... if you see 798 on the primary and secondary zone.. thats considered impossible to hit those numbers.

TIG means Time in Grade ( how long you've been in that Rank)
TIS means Time in Service (how long you've been in the Army)

I'm guessing Kenny is in the field right now. Its that time of year.

third edit: Kenny would be in the primary zone assuming his entire career has been Active Duty, but I think I remember April talking about him re-enlisting for the MOS change during his deployment while stationed in El Paso, Texas... I honestly cant remember exactly but I think she said he went from Reserve or National Guard to Active Duty.

And 1 person out of 94 was picked up for SSG this month and it wasnt Kenny because he has not gone to ALC (Advanced Leaders Course) which he must have in order to get promoted. We would all know if Kenny had ALC and since he just graduated his MOS training ALC is normally a 3-4 month long school depending on the MOS.

 

[Diet Coke 4 Life]

This sounds very Navy and very outdated... Army is different and you can no longer retire as an E5. Its rare to see someone retire as an E6.

I'll say that high year tenure for Air Force, Marines and Navy are identical with E5 being allowed now to go to 20 years (high year tenure has changed multiple times over the last couple decades - E5 went from 16 to 12 to 20 in that time - 20 is the most recent and current high year tenure). As Army is different than everything else apparently, then I stand educated.

 

[nofilter]

I'll say that high year tenure for Air Force, Marines and Navy are identical with E5 being allowed now to go to 20 years (high year tenure has changed multiple times over the last couple decades - E5 went from 16 to 12 to 20 in that time - 20 is the most recent and current high year tenure). As Army is different than everything else apparently, then I stand educated.

Army is pretty basic but it changes too. When there are breaks in service, or nonactive time like national guard or reserves... trying to figure out Kenny's time in service is nearly impossible without April or Kenny telling us his career timeline.

The Army holds promotion boards monthly with a panel of senior NCOs, its typically the BN CSM, S3 SGM, and 3 ISGs or MSGs. There are no exam cycles in the Army, at best- the company might hold a 'mock board' the soldier would have to pass to go to the promotion board. But there are zero universal paper tests for Army promotions to E5 and E6. You just have to pass the promotion board, get through the respected leadership course, and make points (your MOS's cut-off score). cut-off scores change monthly.

A promotion board is a Soldier reporting to the panel and demonstrating basic movements and commands then getting a bunch of verbal questions to be answered on the spot in a "sitting" version of the position of attention. Its usually extremely stressful and nerve-wracking.

To make E7- E9, thats more complicated... a panel of big Army people review your ERB and NCOERs (you compete for the top spots with peers in your BN - imagine a true bell curve.. )

 

[PotatoFace]

April's latest video:

• "I feel like I had a rough week...a little over a week. I don't know why it's been so rough for me...?" Me neither, April! You don't have a job or work in any way. You stay home all day and 90% of the time leave only to go to the gym with your boring husband or go on too-short walks with the dogs. How could your days possibly be rough? You run out of anabolic pancakes?
• "TO THE EDGE EP 7" flashes on the screen. So we're still on this nonsense, are we? In the same video she's griping about how unmotivated she is to do anything, she's featuring her "pushing myself to THE EDGE" series?
• "I feel like all my videos lately have been like...I, like, suck" and then she made this face:
  
• More advertising for Deka Strong, explaining for the millionth time that it's 10 stations of exercises, blah blah blah. She's really embracing the "graphic design is my passion" vibes with the "athlete" visual effects lol.
• "Such a rotten week...I was so defeated...had to drag myself to the gym...really rough for me...unmotivated...did not want to go...." <-- It's not that she can't be honest about having a crummy week; April is just such a bore to listen to. How many times can you repeat yourself saying the same thing again and again? No wonder her podcast never took off.
• How come April's doing the Deka event all by herself, with the photographer following her? You can see other people in the background in what looks like a rest/sitting area, but no one else is going through the stations like we've seen in the past. How embarrassing.
• April the word salad philosopher: "It doesn't ever work out when I start being extreme and wanting...wanting what I don't have in a way that I value what I don't have more than what I have."
  
• Oh my god, how long is she going to massage and masticate and repeat herself? Yes, we get it—doing unexpectedly better than you anticipated at the Deka event got you out of your rut! She's going on and on about it for several minutes now. (But how interesting she chose not to film the following days after the event, after she supposedly got her groove back.)
• Goddamn, more Philosopher April at the end of the video?? This is insufferable. She's truly running out of content, to be droning on and on about a Tom Hanks soundbite saying "This too shall pass."