Masturbation is great, but thanks to sore wrists and difficulty delivering the same vibrations as your favourite bullet, getting manual can feel a bit lacklustre.
What if, though, our hands had a bit of a redesign?
What if rather than having evolved to do pointless things like writing or holding tools, they existed purely for the purposes of sexual pleasure?
If you’ve ever pondered these big questions, rejoice, for Lovehoney is here to provide the answers.
Their team of sexperts and graphic designers has come together to mock up what the human hand would be like if it were indeed designed for delivering mindblowing orgasms, for vaginas and penises.
A hand designed to send vaginas into waves of pleasure would have all kinds of snazzy features, including a special thumb with little bunny ears for clitoral stimulation, hot and cold areas, and a ring finger that offers suction.
For penis stimulation, the dream hand would have a wider curve-tipped thumb for anal play, ribbing on the fingers, and a longer and stronger forearm for better reach and endurance. Fun.
Features of a hand designed for female pleasure:
- A longer forearm for better reach
- Hyper-flexible joints to enable reaching all pleasure points
- Whole-hand vibrations
- Thermal control for hot and cold play
- Increased endurance so you can masturbate for 90 minutes
- A ‘rabbit’ thumb for clitoral stimulation
- A shorter and curved index finger with some ridging, to reach the S-spot
- A strong, waved middle finger for vulva or anal play
- A ‘pleasure air’ ring finger with suction sensations for the clitoris
- A shaped little finger for precision clitoral play
Features of a hand designed for male pleasure:
- Longer and stronger forearms for better reach and endurance
- Sensitive to slight grip adjustment for better tightness
- An air hole in the centre of the palm to deliver suction sensations
- Thermal control for hot and cold play
- Hyper-flexible joints for prostate play
- A wider curve tipped thumb for anal play
- Textured dots and ribs on the fingers to increase sensation
- Wider palms – from four inches to nine inches to cover the full shaft
- Webbed fingers for increased skin-to-skin contact
- Even finger length to make a complete grip around the shaft
So we doubt the answer is chivvying along evolution to these ends or getting surgery to turn your thumb into the ideal butt plug.
Instead, perhaps we should appreciate our hands the way they are – and opt for sex toys when we’re keen to mix up sensations.
