I'm a cantaloupe now - and you all have to play along

Cool Dog

Cool Dog

No longer a dog, still cool
kiwifarms.net
Joined
Feb 16, 2021
After 2 weeks of looking at videos online, talking to an unlicensed psychologist and a bunch of rando groomers with tumblr avatars on discord I've decided

I'm a cantaloupe now

You might think a man can't transition to cantaloupe but that's because you are all small minded bigots. No I don't want to see the hundreds of studies that show I'm mentally ill, I have these 3 studies with no peer reviews written by diploma mill sociologists working for shady NGOs saying people have been identifying as cantaloupes for 5000 years

Did you know Jesus was a cantaloupe? now you do, you ignorant fundie fuck

I demand a cantaloupe pride parade because despite being a raging narcissistic asshole I still desire validation from government and corporations who I will cheer on for inflating my ego despite them using all this to hide all the horrible inhuman shit they do

That doesnt matters to me because I want to be a cantaloupe and if some kids living in a shithole have to get drone'd or if baby formula mixed up with lead makes it to the market that its of no concern because I get to be a cantaloupe now, fuck those blown-up kids and babies with lead poisoning they were probably all chuds anyway

As a cantaloupe I can fuck any fruit before you or your kids eat them, and if any of you refuse to eat that pumpkin after I jizzed on it I will upload the heavily edited video where it seems you're attacking me and you'll get jailed for a hate crime

I demand you all pay for the dangerous experimental entirely cosmetic plastic surgery that will disfigure me for life so I can look like some extremely fucked up version of a cantaloupe that will never pass as a real cantaloupe, but you all have to pretend I do pass or else I'll dox your asses and your lives will be destroyed. You will remain social pariahs even if I get exposed for the schizo freak I am. Nobody will retract their judgement or say they are sorry for joining the mob that got you fired, divorced and bankrupt, assuming you didn't commit suicide in which case even your family will pretend you never existed, like the night in the woods guy

I want to be praised by all media, news articles will have to be written about my boring ass life as a cantaloupe, movies remade with old beloved characters changed to cantaloupes so that I wont feel left out even tho people identifying as cantaloupes represent less than 0.00000000000000000000000001% of the population

Entire nations will be expelled from blocs and erased from treaties, bankrupted with sanctions and their population incited thru social media to burn their entire country down all because their governments refuse to recognize me as a cantaloupe and give me money to live off the state for life because I'm a cantaloupe and I deserve it

People who have worked hard their entire lives and earned every bit will get sidelined by me, because I'm a cantaloupe and as such I deserve a top position within the company and the government is forcing them to meet a cantaloupe quota. It doesnt matters if I dropped out from elementary school and can barely write my own name, I still deserve an executive position and they better take whatever insane bullshit I say seriously or else I'll sue them for cantaloupephobia.

While working there I will fill the company with other mentally ill people who think they are anything but what they were born as. I will burn thru money doing the most stupid shit imaginable from safe spaces for hamsters to forcing all other employees to stop doing actual work and attend a seminar about gay abbos playing digeridoos with their asses, and it will costs $200,000 per speaker per hour, without counting travel expenses. Eventually the entire company will go bankrupt but nobody, not the press or even ex employees will dare to said it was because of the retarded shit I did, they will stay silent out of fear

And if I kill myself its all your fault for bullying me saying I'm not a cantaloupe, the fact that I completely ruined my life on my own has nothing to do with this
 
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Homie, people have been doing the attack helicopter thing for ages, you don't have to identify as a cantaloupe.

And anyways, at this point trannies are pasé. They clearly aren't even the problem, the problem is that liberal elitists and corporations will shove the most biologically debilitating concepts down the throat of the average person that they're able to get away. Castrate them, convince them to live in constant guilt over anything they do, keep them unhealthy by not putting research into how to help the already healthy be healthier but rather how to keep the sickest and least operable just barely alive, keep them socially divided by convincing them to fight with each other over petty nonsense, make them scared to even speak to each other so even neighbors become strangers...in the absence of external threats collectivism arises and the closer to just barely surviving the ruling class can keep the populace, the better for them.

Trannies are an inert byproduct of institutional stagnation and corporate overreach. They themselves are nothing, if the elite were toppled, the trannies would go with them; that's exactly why said elite love them so much to begin with, because the trannies know full well they had better defend the status quo with their life or they'll be nothing. They have given their humanity for power and acceptance by the establishment. They are nothing but the modern iteration of eunuchs.

Know your true enemy and don't waste your energy focusing on the puppets.

Sneed
(Disclaimer: Sneed at your own discretion and preferably after checking with a doctor to see if sneeding is right for you)
 
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What kind of pronouns does a cantaloupe use? Would it trigger you if I called you a rockmelon instead?
 
What's your stance on honeydews? Do you recognize them as equals?
 
You dropped this, King

hand-holding-pills.jpg
 
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Ok but I'm going to have to eat you before you rot. What's your preference date?
 
The Curmudgeon said:
What kind of pronouns does a cantaloupe use? Would it trigger you if I called you a rockmelon instead?
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It wouldn't be very heckin cute and valid
SCSI said:
What's your stance on honeydews? Do you recognize them as equals?
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No, they are white patriarchal fucks who need to apologize for the meloncaust
I fucking love Cocaine said:
You dropped this, King

View attachment 3318134
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Thanks I'll feed them to a kid who wants to be a lettuce
Gender: Xenomorph said:
Superiors.

Fuck cantaloupes.
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MOOOOOOOOOOOODSSSSSS!
Calvin Coolidge said:
Call me a bigot or old fashioned, but I would not have sexual relations with a cantaloupe.
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Oh but your kids will once public schools tell them they were cantaloupes all along
 
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You will never be a real melon. You have no seeds, you have no rind, you have no calyx. You are a meatsack twisted by drugs and surgery into a crude mockery of nature’s perfection.

All the “validation” you get is two-faced and half-hearted. Behind your back people mock you. Your parents are disgusted and ashamed of you, your “friends” laugh at your ghoulish appearance behind closed doors.

Primates are utterly repulsed by you. Thousands of years of evolution have allowed monkeys to sniff out fruits with incredible efficiency. Even fruits who “pass” look uncanny and unnatural to a monkey. Your meaty flesh is a dead giveaway. And even if you manage to get a hungry ape home with you, he’ll turn tail and bolt the second he gets a whiff of your diseased, infected stalk.

You will never be happy. You stretch out a fake epicarp every single morning and tell yourself it’s going to be ok, but deep inside you feel the depression creeping up like a weed, ready to crush you under the unbearable weight.

Eventually it’ll be too much to bear - you’ll buy a blender, add the ice, close teh lid over yourself, and smoothie into the cold abyss. Your parents will find you, heartbroken but relieved that they no longer have to live with the unbearable shame and disappointment. They’ll bury you with a headstone marked with your birth species, and every passerby for the rest of eternity will know a mammal is buried there. Your body will decay and go back to the dust, and all that will remain of your legacy is a skeleton that is unmistakably animal.

This is your fate. This is what you chose. There is no turning back.
 
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Cool Dog said:
No, they are white patriarchal fucks who need to apologize for the meloncaust
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The Meloncaust? But a radish I know assured me that was all a hoax, it's impossible for anyone to ball six million cantaloupes that fast. Plus, where are the rind piles? It just doesn't add up. I'm going to need to hear some pretty strong arguments to be convinced otherwise.
 
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I know I sound like a faggot when I say this, but "attack helicopter" jokes will never get old.

It still strikes a nerve.
 
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