This is what I've been harping on with the Zoloft. It works for some people, for others it puts them in a fog and it doesn't change their depressive symptoms, it just makes them apathetic about them (and everything else).
Oh I absolutely need it.
@L50LasPak can explain it in more detail as I'm exhausted from explaining my need for that medication over and over. Simply put, it's apathy or being actually unhinged.
Again you're likely not in a good place to make executive decisions like this. It is not a binary decision to try going back (impossible) or staying on the current course (untenable). 0 and 180 aren't the only positions on a compass for very good reason. There's as many options available to you as degrees. One thing is certain, the longer you maintain course and the more you accelerate, the more dramatic corrections will have to be in order to be effective.
If you're this incapable what makes you think you have the wherewithal to do anything else to help the HRT do what it's supposed to? You need to also put in work for the changes it sounds like you want.
My family can absolutely help me, I need their help for the most basic of tasks, honestly.
Beyond being a very womanly statement, this kind of self-indulgent fantasy makes it hard to believe you don't want attention. It sounds like you won't even have friends that care, why would your enemies do more than maybe laugh a bit and forget about it? This isn't some heart-wrenching end to a chick flick. You'll be dying and likely in so much pain you struggle to string very simple thoughts together, imagining shit like this is delusional.
Firstly, I don't watch chick flicks as a whole, and very rarely watch movies whatsoever. I usually have extremely vivid imaginings of the most mundane shit, in great detail. Usually preying on my fears or what I want to do to others.
If you want to be happy talk to your doc about the pills making you dangerously apathetic. To a self-harming degree. Christ above knows you definitely need to be medicated but probably not these specific ones. Otherwise, see one of my original comments where I emphasized you'll never be happy. What I didn't explicitly say then was that it'd be because you chose to never be happy.
I do want to be happy, but I also want to live a self indulgent, enjoyable life.
You need to 1. Have your medication reviewed
Probably.
2. Get the fuck out of your house, bedroom, into the world at large and start interacting with other human beings that you aren't related to
Sure, but I'm also cripplingly socially inept. I cannot talk to people I don't know without it feeling like my throat is closing up on me.
will not simply pander to you and
Yeah if they're not calling me a man, I'm removing them from my life. There's only been two exceptions to this rule in my entire life. I will not cave and let them near me, for both our safety.
3. Get effective, non confirming, actually challenging therapy.
That's not therapy. Therapy is supposed to have some challenge, sure, but I refuse to have a therapist that doesn't call me by the name I'm changing mine to or a man. Simply because I'm a stubborn ass and will actually not listen to a single word they say. Even if I try, I know I tend to stop listening the second I'm even implied to be a woman in any way. Probably because I'm instantly considering how fast I'll bolt to the door.
You seem to be convinced that all your problems are stemming from body dysphoria.
No, but the majority of my anguish comes from it. I know it's far from my only problem. It's just the most painful one.
I assure you, that the dysphoria is only a small part of a very large and complex mental illness. A large part of treating that illness comes down to you. You working at getting better, as opposed to sitting in your room all day twitching and muttering, "Feminist cuntnazis!" to yourself.
What else am I supposed to do? The minute I get called a woman I remove them from my life.
You're a very sick person and you say that you know this, but either you don't truly know this, or you've got an ego the size of Tasmania and just dgaf.
Or you're really, really, incredibly stupid.
I know which one I think you are.
I know I'm sick because I'm medicated, I don't know all the intricacies.
You need a competent OCD specialist psychiatrist to treat you for probable
Trans OCD. It is becoming very common for OCD to manifest itself this way among zoomers.
My OCD doesn't affect becoming trans. In any fucking way. I have diagnosed gender dysphoria that I was tested extensively for. My OCD moreso manifests itself in extremely violent, vivid visions of me hurting myself or others, destroying my belongings, and a bunch of other shit that viscerally upsets me. I also cannot touch raw food, dirty dishes, trash/trash bags, or any mess that comes from someone other than me without having a nervous breakdown. My own dirt and grime doesn't bother me in the slightest.
For people born in 1910, it was often religious scrupulosity- the guy who would go to confession then immediately get back in line to go again because he had a "bad thought" in the confessional or isn't SURE his repentance was legit enough. For people born in 2000, it's gay OCD and trans OCD because gender-sexuality-identity is the religion of your generation. These are very real things documented in the literature extensively, even if they sound like a meme.
Are you fucking retarded? Genuine question. OCD isn't just repetitive behavior. It's far more complicated and my OCD doesn't connect to that whatsoever. I feel no sexual attraction whatsoever. I cannot even get near touching or looking at myself because of a mix of dysphoria and finding it dirty. That's the one part of me I cannot touch.
You're not transgender. You are a person with OCD and the obnoxious neurotransmitters wearing down your brain pathways have picked up trans as the theme to carry around like a banner as they harass you all day and night.
Oh fuck you. You clearly don't know jack shit about me. You don't know anything about me. I don't see it as a banner or anything to be proud of. I find it to be an agonizing disorder I wish on nobody.
All the other compulsive behaviors and thought patterns you describe only add to the evidence in favor of this.
How so?
Risperdal is something you should set as a goal to kick. With your doc's help of course. But you're not going to lose weight, get a normal HBA1C or blood pressure as long as you are on it. You will get fatter and more diabetic. It's like a lead weight around your neck dragging you underwater as you try to swim towards good health.
Why should I lose weight? I know the obvious answer, "muh health," but it'll make me pass less so I refuse.
If you can get off of it- and stay off all other antipsychotics like it- the sooner the better.
I might actually kill someone if I get off it. I completely lack control without it.
If you HAVE to take it, for some people taking metformin at the same time can mitigate the weight gain and diabetic trend. But that drug, cheap and relatively safe as it is, will make you shit your guts out every time you eat a full meal, possibly as long as you are taking it. So try alternatives first. You're young. You owe it to yourself to try for your best life- free from drugs, addictions, and compulsive behaviors.
I appreciate that but I'll go out of my way to avoid worsening my (potential) eating disorder, thanks.
As for your hostility towards women and feminism- well first thing to do is separate them and try to keep your emotions in control about it. Most women are not the people you're mad at, they're just normal humans trying to get by in life like anyone else. The politics you hate- learn to critique it in an even tone with reason and rhetorical savvy. You'll get more listeners and not sound like an unhinged person they want to avoid. Certain words may be fun to say to blow off steam but they instantly mark you as a particularly unpleasant kind of crazy and "foid" is up there.
Oh. Thank you for the advice.
Thanks, I guess.
Yeah metformin will sorta work on fatties who keep eating shit and taking drugs that fuck up their glucose and insulin baselines, but the "shit your guts out" effect will be quadrupled- that stuff is to french fries and Kraft mac what Antabuse is to a gin and tonic.
I should add I was also on 2 pills of lithium at the time of the bloodwork, but I dumped it in November because it actually made me vomit on an almost nightly basis, and basically be a husk constantly sick and tired.
And yeah if you're prediabetic at 20 you will be diabetic full fledge by the time you are 30 at the latest, even taking all the drugs they throw at you.
Like most of my family, even avoiding sugar.
You are looking at then rotating through blood pressure drugs, adding a second and third class of blood pressure drugs, statins, and eventually shooting insulin. And your kidneys will be dead meat by your 40s.
Sounds like something most people in my family has gone through. At about that age.
And "hurr durr my family dies young"- your family's problems are not your destiny unless they all died of some syndrome. You have the option to break free of the chains that held them down.
True, but most of us tend to die from either various heart issues, degenerative or self inflicted, or diabetes, by their very early 50s. My parents and two of my grandparents were lucky. Even then both of them already have blood pressure problems.
