Page 31 TRANSCRIPT:
Tomorrow I'll be out, Ralph can hold me & we can put this huge mess behind us. Which is all I want in the end. I wish certain turned out differently, like w/ my parents, but best to make some good out of all the negative. Some of the good is I've gotten a lot of my mental health under control, me & Ralph will learn to only grow stronger together, I made a new friend, people here have treated me w/ nothing but kindness, I found medication that works for me,
■ if I focus on the good that has come from this whole ordeal then(sic) the negative doesn't seem so bad. Or at least it's minimal compared to the positives & benefits. Plus I do think a DBT therapist is my best route since it's more focused on self-harm & to distract the mind
■■■■ from wanting the self-harm. Which was my problem, was the immediate gratification of that releif(sic) from cutting.
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Page 32 TRANSCRIPT:
After I got lectured by Eddie I had a whole rant in my head after as a response. but now it feels so insignifigant(sic). While it enraged me at the time. Though that mentally ill lady is freaking me out w/ how she looks at me. I think she may actually wanna kill me, like I'm not even kidding with how she just stares at me like she wants to shank me or some shit. Plus I'm pretty sure it's her doing w/ the pencils & markers being gone. Ralph said he was gonna buy me new things to draw w/ as soon as I get out. Which I'd really like honestly, I wish I could draw more while in here though. Honestly think my "Traditional" art skills have improved since being in here. Another positive to look at in the long run, overall. One more day though & I'll see mi vida! That's what I'm most excited about.
■ Is to see Ralph. I'd gladly go through this a million times over to just see him. Less than 24 hours to go.
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Page 33 TRANSCRIPT:
Night falls
I fall
& where were you?
& where were you?
While I, I died
& where were you?
I fell into the moon
& it covered you in blue
I fell into the moon
can I make it right
can I spend the night
Warm skin
Wolf grin
& where were you?
& where were you?
High tide
I hide
& where were you?
■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ I crawled out of the world
when you said I shouldn't stay
Can I make it right, can I spend the night
Alone.
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Page 34 TRANSCRIPT:
I've litterally(sic) been asleep all day, something I was trying to avoid. I am so stupid. I just want ot kiss my baby already. It's all I've been thinking about since. Anthony is really flipping on Jesele(?). Like calling her fat & not pregnant & calling her baby stillborn, which in my opinion is too far. & he keept disrespecting the poor staff. I actually really like the staff. They all have been super sweet to me & taking care of me, making me feel better when I've felt hopeless. I don't know I can't can't picture myself disrespecting the staff like that. It seems just so cruel. I know to us we seem like we're just another job, another task to be completed. But to them we are people who have struggled & don't want to anymore. They want to help, the least to do is appeciate(sic) & respect that. I don't know maybe those are my thoughts because I was raised by my mom who's(sic) life was saved by medical professionals &
■■■ my grandma Reatha & Grandpa Bruce were nurses, & crazy grandma worked as a tech, so maybe it's for that I have alot of respect for medical professionals & staff.
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Page 35 TRANSCRIPT:
I consider myself a passive preacher, I think the best way to convert a person is through showing them genouristy(sic) & kindness even when your own life has fallen apart. I've faced trauma & hardships that have left me completely broken & crushed, I've let my mental illness control my actions, but I still have tried to show kindness. Even when I don't like someone I do what I can to show genourisity(sic). But also try to keep my religoin(sic) into my politics. Like I try to distingush(sic) between morality & legality. I can judge someone based on morals but overall if it doesn't infringe on someone else's rights then I could care less about the legality of the situation.
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Page 36 TRANSCRIPT:
Through Choice, I Pick him
It's him I love
Even through this
He is my other Dove.
And I just simply miss.
Just to feel his prescence(sic),
Dopeamaire(sic?) will flood.
For he is my present,
love a flowering bud.
Even at my worst
I craved his voice,
my personal forest
of independence & choice.
And with this fact
I choose him
And it is no act
Even if I'm dim.
I'm happy for fat,
because it played out
without any bait,
But with a loud shout.
I love you, Ethan
So very much
I'm your biggest fan,
just I get to have your touch.
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Page 37 TRANSCRIPT:
Shadonna seems excited to meet Ralph, which is kinda fun cause she's been a good friend to have here. It's nice to have someone around that I can vent to & laugh with even through all this stress & pain. & someone who can talk to me like I'm an adult & not a child. Plus I think it's another positive from this ordeal, a new friend.
Ralph got a room at the Hyatt! It's gonna be so fun! We're gonna be fucking like
■■■■■ Rabits(sic) though. I keep thinking about his hands on
■■ me...I have every night. A collar my neck as he yanks on my hair...I need to have it so bad!
I'm finally going home w/ mi vida! I am so excited & happy! I missed him so much & I finally get to feel his arms around me which I have been craving for a full week! I need this stupid meeting over already! Unfortuneltly(sic) Shadonna can't meet Ralph since she's leaving soon but I still have her number & she has mine so we'll be in touch thankfully.
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Page 38 TRANSCRIPT:
Still Had to sign some forms to be released, gonna be leaving around the afternoon & finnally(sic) get to see my baby! that's what I am most excited about, seeing him. Right now I'm being nosey(sic) & watching the really mentally ill lady be carted w/ police following close by. I knew this would happen honestly, that woman is behind this little volunteer program. And
■■■■ they're strapping her down too, I hate to say that I knew this would happen. They're taking her to the real looney(sic) bin. So I guess she really wasn't acting, which I feel bad about. I don't think she truly understands what is happening honestly. Which is why she is being taken away.
I got to talk to Nancy before leaving which is nice. Maybe I can attend one last group therapy session. That would be nice.
I made the last session just barely.
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Page 39 TRANSCRIPT:
August 18th 2020
It's been a busy day. When I got out of the hospital I jumped into Ralph's arms & he picked me up & I even squealed. My dad & Chris have totally decided to prove they don't care or love me. Dad was talking shit & mentioned I've been in the psych ward. I am curious if I can sue for that also since it broke patient confidentialty(sic). Chris did a stream with Mundane Matt & admitted to getting nudes from me as a minor. Because that's smart? I'm so happy to be back w/ Ralph though. He's still easing me into things & so for tonight I'm staying at the hotel during the show. I do apperciate(sic) that he's easing me back into things, I'll admit I have been a little overwhelmed since I got out. Like when we went to eat at Founding Farmers. Still just trying to adjust to so many people being around me who aren't more familar(sic) faces. I'm gonna just watch The Office & eat pizza & nap. Didn't releize(sic) how much time I wasted on my phone & how it took care of a lot of boredom but phones kinda seem more intimidating then(sic) before. It's also nice to not be on social media 24/7, I still know of things happening around me but I'm not swallowed by it whole. Still no self-harming urges, so that's another positive. Having some pain from the none(sic) stop hard & rough sex w/ Ralph, though. Using the pen to help.
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Page 40 TRANSCRIPT:
The imagery of the bullet, pen, & pizza at my side is litterally(sic) the most accurate representation of a female's mental health break which is hilarous(sic) to me. Plus fucking The Office in the background adds to that. Though the thought just hit me: Did Chris bring up the minor nudes as a way to make me look bad? His mom is so obsessed w/ the idea that the minor is in the wrong if an adult solitices(sic) a minor for sexual favors so I wonder if he thinks that's common? But honestly it just makes him look worse, I shouldn't htinking about it. For the most part I have, but it alludes me how someone, especially someone who wants to be a cop, thinks that's ok. Part of the recovering is going to let my anger over the trauma go. Not just for my mental health but also for my & Ralph's relationship. Thank god things like this don't last long, the internet has an attention span of a group of toddlers. Unless they are extremely autistic & obsessive. But people also autistically & obsessively support Ralph which is good. Not saying it's to support mi vida just some people are so loyal & fanatics that someone could shoot up a school & they'd still send in "fucking king!" type comments, Ralph has some people like that who will continue to watch & send money. I'm also pretty sure my dad will start a show of some kind in the process, father loves attention.
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Page 41 TRANSCRIPT:
I wish my mentrual pain would stop, it's getting so painful. Even just laying down feels so hurtful, but it is a distraction. More of my penence(sic) I guess. Hopefully it doesn't take mi vida long to got(sic)
■■ back, I really miss him. I don't know if it's like seperatoin anxiety or what but him being gone this long w/ no constant communication makes me miss him greatly. But at the same time makes me cherish every moment together far more. I hope
■■ he come back soon though. Maybe more neck rubs too

⬅ poor attempt at an emoji...
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Page 42 TRANSCRIPT:
August 19 2020
Mi vida brought me a bunch of snacks so I don't starve & just a mini vodka but I was so tired that I didn't even bother drinking. Plus I was already naseous(sic) & I didn't have any good mixers. Also his fans paid him like $800+ to shave his head, now I'm thinking I should've definitely watched to stop him haha. We also found a little system so that I can fall asleep w/ sound on but he doesn't have too(sic) which is honestly amazing! We're going to get some food soon & maybe some Starbucks too. Though I need to find out who made mi vida shave his head cause now I can't play w/ his hair -_-. Though it's kinda fun to run my hand over his head, haha.
Staying at another hotel, mi vida bought me some glitter pens & inking markers. My dad is trying to claim he can keep MY wallet, that has all things that are legally mine like my debit card, my ID, my social security card, etc. All things that are in my name & under my control. I don't care if they keep the phone & laptop. Those can be esily replaced. But those are some pretty big essentials I need to have on my person. Not to mention those(sic) clothes, backpack, & purse are also all mine. It's well over $300 worth of my stuff. Trhey wanna talk legal shit but if anyone has any case it's me. But they don't see that.
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Page 43 TRANSCRIPT:
PANSexual
Mi Vida just left for work, Now it's time to kill some time. Let's try some of these glitter pens:
Black Glitter pen
Red Glitter pen
Blue Glitter pen
Light Blue Glitter pen
Yellow Glitter pen
Purple Glitter pen
Magenta Glitter pen
Green Glitter pen
I really like these pens, maybe I can use them to kinda organize my thoughts, make a little "Thoughts" key. That's what I'll do with my time.
Color key 4 Thoughts:
Black | Random Thoughts
Red | Stressful Thoughts
Blue | Depressed Thoughts
Light Blue | Excited Thoughts
Yellow | Happy Thoughts
Purple | Curious Thoughts
Magenta | Frisky Thoughts
Green | Important Thoughts
Then I'll just Title a Section of notes or something with the colors to match the mood of the notes written. Maybe I can make a mood tracker too.
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Page 44 TRANSCRIPT:
_________________________________________________________
This South Park episode is so fucking
weird, like there's some 5 year old w/ cancer
& shit. Like what the actual fuck is this
that I am watching?
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
God I hate teen mom, every time the ad for
it comes up I just roll my eyes in annoyance.
Like, yes please encourage sixteen year olds
too(sic) think it's ok to get knocked up while in
high school because that's smart & moral in
every way, shape, & form -_-
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
It's still a little weird to be so disconnected from
other people, at least phone wise. It's a little
nerve-wracking(sic) butu it's a little better each day.
Still have some anxiety about it though. Writing
helps to take the anxiety away though, I
just wish time would go a little faster. I
hope that I can get my
■ wallet back though, I
really want to get some new clothes on my
own so I don't waste any of mi vida's money.
But of course my dad is trying to make
excuses for keeping MY property. I'm sure
Ralph will talk to Reikieta(sic) about how
"legal" that is since I have repeatedly asked
for my property back. Guess we will see.
_________________________________________________________
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Page 45 TRANSCRIPT:
_________________________________________________________
I wanna ask mi vida if he wants to see
New Mutants, it looks kinda cool. Plus
it would be a fun little date for us.
Especially since he wants to see Unhinged.
I mean I wanna see it too but I think
like a "Movie Day" type thing would be a
fun outting together. Will bring the idea up.
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
"It seems my period finnally(sic) came but
it is beyond painful, even w/ the pen.
But it's super light & almost a pink
color. The pain is going through to
my legs so that they're buzzing w/
pain. It's alos making me feel super
naseous(sic) & warm. There's still an hour till
the show is supposed to be over. I'll need
to ask Ralph to bring my pads, pretty
sure they're still at home. But it hurts like hell."
_________________________________________________________
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Page 46 TRANSCRIPT:
August 20th 2020
_________________________________________________________
We had a nice walk in the park, I'm hopeful
we can make that a regular thing cause it's
good excercise(sic) but it's also pretty. I really liked
it, it was a perfect little outting.
_________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
Ugh I hurt so much w/ my cramping. I
feel like almost throwing up from how much it
hurts. Hopfully Ralph comes back soon w/ some
pain killers cause I am shaking in pain.
Sleeping helped me be distracted a bit, had
some weird as fuck dreams. But I also
can't tell what time it is cause the clock
reset & it doesn't say on the TV so I
have no idea how long till the show ends
either. If the pain keeps up this bad I don't
know what I'm gonna do.
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
I made some cutesy stickers & made a
little KillStream one for mi vida. Can't
wait to show him when he comes back,
I think he'll like it. He'll probably give me
kisses & snuggles too which I despertely(sic) need
with my pain right now. I hope he comes back
soon
__________________________________________________________
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Pages 47, 48, & 49 TRANSCRIPT:
August 24th 2020
Forgot what today is but haven't been able to write for the weekend. To(sic) tired to bother with the glitter pens right now. On Friday we went to a party, I met Casandra & her boyfriend & her daughter & her daughter's dad. They were all really nice, her daughter was the cutest thing ever though. We spent the night at Casandra's, they had a cute office with a futon me & mi vida slept on. Then Saturday we went to DC & got drunk with Christain & Yoni. Yoni got super fucked though, I don't know if it was a combo of ALL those drinks he had & the hits from the pen but he was going off. We had this really nice guy preform(sic) cool magic tricks for us, & you could tell he was really into it, & then Yoni started calling the poor dude a Satanist. Then started harrassing(sic) this couple sitting next to us. We then sent him home, Christain got a pretty
■■■ funny picture of Yoni just passed out on the floor. Me & Ralph went back to the restraunt(sic) too(sic) sober up & eat. Now we're finally back home, I've been binging American Horror Story. Finally watched Freakshow, now watching Coven. Freakshow was pretty good but still can't beat Aslyum(sic) in my opinion. Right now mi vida is working. I may write mini reviews in my journal since I can't make videos right now. Something to make me feel busy or even entertained. Maybe I can get a sketch book soon, that'll help.
I kinda wanted to watch the show tonight but I may have to wait longer. I get it, I just like seeing him getting all amped up for his work. It's nice to see. Plus it's adorable, especially when he looks over at me & gives me that loving look. It's the same look he gave me when he first held me. The same look he gives when he tells me he loves me. I love that look. It makes me feel so completel & my heart starts fluttering. Especially while his arms are around me. It makes everything easier to deal with. It helps with all the crazy going on in what my life is. He just helps in general so much, his kisses, his embrace, his presence, his love, I want to be worth of it all. Be a perfect housewife, do what I need to. I can't wait for the mess to be over. It seems to be cooling off a little bit now. Chris emailed mi vida though, begging to "talk as friends". If he wanted my friendship he wouldn't have groomed me at 14. I wish more people knew how that "man" had scared me into being with him. How he threatened me, my family, my brothers. He & my own father releasing my private traumas, as if it is their story to tell instead of my own. After proclaiming they care for my health above all else. Playing with me then crying I took what I learned from them & used it against them.
Should I have done what they did to me? No. Instead of rising above their pitful(sic) selves I only lowered myself & let the illnesses I have play in my head to justify my actions. But now I can be better. Me & Ralph can do what we can to be the best we can be. Live a happy life, marry, have kids, take silly trips & watch things together. Just be together. I have security & trust in his love & in all honesty I haven't ever felt that before. I will say when he brought up going to a strip club I was livid and wanted to cry. I know I'm a Pan(sexual), I get that I'm a degenerate who's scarily into pain, but there's another level to adding someone else to sex. Man or woman. I know the saying is "it's just sex" but it's different for me. It always has been. I'll find a person objectively attractive but to actually want to have sex with someone I have always needed to have feelings. One way to ever want someone in that way, just to feel deeply for them. & now that I have sex daily with someone I love, no matter how rough or kinky, it has some deeper meaning to me. And to share that? To share something that makes me feel so whole with another especially when I need it more then(sic) ever hurts more then(sic) anything I've felt. Am I not enough for him? Or is it simply that we see sex differently? I know we have to, not just based on gender but experinces(sic). He's had sex far more than I.
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Page 50 TRANSCRIPT:
Is it wrong to be my sexuality & feel jealousy over that thought? Or to tear up & feel a stabbing in my chest? Am I supposed to want multiple partners?I don't want to tell Ralph how badly it hurt, honestly how hurt I was. Even if I was so drunk, I can't do it. I just can't bear that pain. I don't want him to know how badly it hurts because I don't want him to feel bad. But I also want him to understand that it is a big boundary for me. Even with my sexuality, even with my love of big tits, but I don't want another woman touching him like I touch him. I don't care when he's on the show & sexualizing other women or even me because it's a show. Entertainment for other people. But when he seriously suggest another be apart of our sex...I swear I may cry next time. Writing about it helps though, I couldn't write a lot of these thoughts down because I didn't have my book with me so it has been spiraling around in my head all weekend since I heard it. Just getting it all written & off my chest has been releiving(sic) & therapeutic. Still waiting for the show to be over so he can come snuggle me & kiss me. I love that man. Even if some pain still lingers, even if I still need to recover from trauma that still plagues my mind & in my nightmares. Even with all that I still love mi vida, more then(sic) anything.