- Joined
- Jan 21, 2015
The Duke and the Dauphin from the same book are arguably the scam-artist brand of lolcow, too. Or even horrorcows, considering they're willing to send a guy off to slavery to make a quick buck.
Lolcows in Fiction (Books, TV, Movies, etc.)
- Thread starter DavidFerrie
- Start date
The Duke and the Dauphin from the same book are arguably the scam-artist brand of lolcow, too. Or even horrorcows, considering they're willing to send a guy off to slavery to make a quick buck.
- Joined
- Feb 24, 2015
Zapp Brannigan from Futurama is a lolcow who'd probably be a horrorcow if he were in a more serious show.
The most notable aspect of his character is his fixation on Leela. She slept with him out of pity in one of the show's first episodes, and for the rest of the series he brings this up any time he and Leela interact. It's very strongly implied that Zapp was a virgin before sleeping with Leela, and his constant mention of their encounter says a lot more about his sex life than hers.
There's also the fact that, despite being a highly-decorated military officer, every single one of Zapp's "achievements" has been...rather questionable. He constantly expends the lives of the troops under his command (such as when he defeated a group of killbots by sending waves of men at them until they reached their preset kill limit), and obtains medals by attacking species unlikely to fight back (such as "defeating the retiree people of the assisted living nebula," "carpet bombing Eden 7," and slaughtering a species of pacifist spider aliens).
Overall, he's pretty much what you'd get if you gave a five-year-old child control over thousands of troops and just let them do whatever they wanted with all that that entails.
The most notable aspect of his character is his fixation on Leela. She slept with him out of pity in one of the show's first episodes, and for the rest of the series he brings this up any time he and Leela interact. It's very strongly implied that Zapp was a virgin before sleeping with Leela, and his constant mention of their encounter says a lot more about his sex life than hers.
There's also the fact that, despite being a highly-decorated military officer, every single one of Zapp's "achievements" has been...rather questionable. He constantly expends the lives of the troops under his command (such as when he defeated a group of killbots by sending waves of men at them until they reached their preset kill limit), and obtains medals by attacking species unlikely to fight back (such as "defeating the retiree people of the assisted living nebula," "carpet bombing Eden 7," and slaughtering a species of pacifist spider aliens).
Overall, he's pretty much what you'd get if you gave a five-year-old child control over thousands of troops and just let them do whatever they wanted with all that that entails.
- Joined
- Jan 29, 2015
I'm gonna say that Muraki from Yami no Matsuei is a flat-out horrorcow. He's a pedophile and a murderer with an obsession with the protagonist Tsuzuki. He's done some incredibly heinous shit too.
- Joined
- Feb 24, 2015
Hypodermic Sally is a bigger horrorcow than March despite the latter doing more fucked-up shit. She has severe abandonment issues, and the latest episode revealed that she once stitched a pair of junkie musicians to herself so that they could always be close.
- Joined
- Aug 30, 2014
Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes is a total lolcow. He has vast delusions of grandeur, he always wants things his way and comes up with harebrained schemes to avoid doing the most minute of tasks.
- Joined
- Dec 28, 2015
Not to powerlevel too hard, but the prime TV lolcows from my youth were Screech from Saved by the Bell and Steve Urkel from family matters.
Both sperged out over stupid interests, both had creepy fixations on extremely uninterested women, both couldn't read social cues to save their lives, both constantly made spectacles of themselves, etc. Both had delusions of being far cooler and more interesting than they actually were. Urkel's delusions manifest themselves as a second personality on a regular basis.
That said, Screech had actual friends and a sort-of social life, and Urkel gets the girl in the end.
Both sperged out over stupid interests, both had creepy fixations on extremely uninterested women, both couldn't read social cues to save their lives, both constantly made spectacles of themselves, etc. Both had delusions of being far cooler and more interesting than they actually were. Urkel's delusions manifest themselves as a second personality on a regular basis.
That said, Screech had actual friends and a sort-of social life, and Urkel gets the girl in the end.
- Joined
- Dec 28, 2014
The actor who played Screech ended up a lolcow irl, tho, while Jaleel White is a pretty cool guy.
- Joined
- Dec 28, 2015
I never did see the Dustin Diamond sex tape. I'm incomplete.
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2013
spongebob actually recieved the letter, but couldn't read it because sending a letter underwater fucks up the ink.
- Joined
- May 8, 2015
Although White DID voice Sonic the Headhog for a few years, including the cartoon that was responsible for.....this
Which even makes him more of a lolcow. What the fuck did he think was gonna happen?
- Joined
- Feb 24, 2015
The Gangreen Gang from The Powerpuff Girls was like a proto Deagle Nation. Even the leaders have similar names, Ace and Jace. Both leaders also wore a pair of sunglasses at all times.
Also from The Powerpuff Girls was Lenny Baxter, a fat, balding nerd who was basically a brony except with the Powerpuff Girls instead of cartoon horses. His room was filled with PPG merchandise, and he was so obsessed with having a complete collection that he started taking stuff from the girls (like Bubbles' crayons and drawing), and eventually kidnapped the girls themselves and put them in action figure boxes. He's even defeated by having a massive sperg fit once the Professor has kids take his various merchandise out of its packaging.
Also from The Powerpuff Girls was Lenny Baxter, a fat, balding nerd who was basically a brony except with the Powerpuff Girls instead of cartoon horses. His room was filled with PPG merchandise, and he was so obsessed with having a complete collection that he started taking stuff from the girls (like Bubbles' crayons and drawing), and eventually kidnapped the girls themselves and put them in action figure boxes. He's even defeated by having a massive sperg fit once the Professor has kids take his various merchandise out of its packaging.
- Joined
- Jan 21, 2015
The sadly-now-canceled cop show Cold Case had a lot of exceptional characters, most of them killers:
* Tina Quinn: In my opinion the biggest cow seen on the show. She was the alphabitch of her high school chastity club and absolutely obsessed with staying "pure." She killed the victim, a promiscuous girl who joined the club to change perceptions of herself, after the latter discovered that Tina was a gigantic hypocrite - in fact, she was boinking the priest who supervised the club! Something in her evidently snapped as she never had sex with ANYONE after that. She got married and never even slept with her husband. He sued for divorce. She pretends they're still married. I like to think she talks to an invisible version of him when other people aren't around.
* Eric Witt: A sports columnist for a college newspaper and total Nice Guy. Whenever he wrote about a female athlete he felt she should go out with him for giving her publicity, and he got particularly obsessed with the main victim, calling her at night and whispering sweet nothings in her ear. He killed her when she confronted him about it and she refused to say he had "made her." Unfortunately for him, he left a copy of his story about her, which wouldn't be officially printed until the next day, on her body. Oops. Have fun in prison.
* Martha Puck: She's both a victim and a killer. She's an ugly (well, Hollywood ugly; i.e. she's a cute girl with glasses and a few extra pounds that the other characters treat as troll-hideous) young woman who WANT MAN and eventually hooked up with a gorgeous guy... who turned out to be a con artist. Even after learning this she was so desperate to stay with him that she gave him the idea of marrying, then murdering his victims for the insurance money. Ironically enough, she isn't killed by him, but by his next intended victim - she had a change of heart and tried to warn her, but it turned out the other woman was just as obsessed.
* Jim Larkin: Probably the biggest horrorcow on the show. He's a fat, miserable old drunk who never leaves his cruddy apartment... and is unfortunately also a serial rapist. He uses his teenage son as bait to lure in lonely teenage girls to have his way with. The son is a lolcow himself as he's completely cowed by his old man and never stands up for himself against this horrible guy. Jim and Sick Nick would probably go out for beer if either of them did anything other than sit around, watch TV, and rape people.
* Lauren Williams: Another villain-victim and another horrorcow. Lauren's an ex-supermodel who married into a phenomenally rich family and is now past her prime but still very beautiful. Her life's ambition? Wanting every. Single. Man she meets to see her as a MILF. She seduced her own son when he was a teenager which left him emotionally crippled and sexually repressed, and was killed when it became apparent her thirteen-year-old grandson was next. The episode she was in seemed to be almost a reaction against every other "sexy older woman" story ever told as it's played for complete horror.
* Tina Quinn: In my opinion the biggest cow seen on the show. She was the alphabitch of her high school chastity club and absolutely obsessed with staying "pure." She killed the victim, a promiscuous girl who joined the club to change perceptions of herself, after the latter discovered that Tina was a gigantic hypocrite - in fact, she was boinking the priest who supervised the club! Something in her evidently snapped as she never had sex with ANYONE after that. She got married and never even slept with her husband. He sued for divorce. She pretends they're still married. I like to think she talks to an invisible version of him when other people aren't around.
* Eric Witt: A sports columnist for a college newspaper and total Nice Guy. Whenever he wrote about a female athlete he felt she should go out with him for giving her publicity, and he got particularly obsessed with the main victim, calling her at night and whispering sweet nothings in her ear. He killed her when she confronted him about it and she refused to say he had "made her." Unfortunately for him, he left a copy of his story about her, which wouldn't be officially printed until the next day, on her body. Oops. Have fun in prison.
* Martha Puck: She's both a victim and a killer. She's an ugly (well, Hollywood ugly; i.e. she's a cute girl with glasses and a few extra pounds that the other characters treat as troll-hideous) young woman who WANT MAN and eventually hooked up with a gorgeous guy... who turned out to be a con artist. Even after learning this she was so desperate to stay with him that she gave him the idea of marrying, then murdering his victims for the insurance money. Ironically enough, she isn't killed by him, but by his next intended victim - she had a change of heart and tried to warn her, but it turned out the other woman was just as obsessed.
* Jim Larkin: Probably the biggest horrorcow on the show. He's a fat, miserable old drunk who never leaves his cruddy apartment... and is unfortunately also a serial rapist. He uses his teenage son as bait to lure in lonely teenage girls to have his way with. The son is a lolcow himself as he's completely cowed by his old man and never stands up for himself against this horrible guy. Jim and Sick Nick would probably go out for beer if either of them did anything other than sit around, watch TV, and rape people.
* Lauren Williams: Another villain-victim and another horrorcow. Lauren's an ex-supermodel who married into a phenomenally rich family and is now past her prime but still very beautiful. Her life's ambition? Wanting every. Single. Man she meets to see her as a MILF. She seduced her own son when he was a teenager which left him emotionally crippled and sexually repressed, and was killed when it became apparent her thirteen-year-old grandson was next. The episode she was in seemed to be almost a reaction against every other "sexy older woman" story ever told as it's played for complete horror.
- Joined
- May 8, 2015
Kilgrave from Jessica Jones, Marvel's Netflix series, is a lolcow cocktail of horrorcow, edgelord, and loveshy.
His real name is Kevin Thompson and he was born with a rare condition that would make him brain dead by the time he was 12. His parents, being scientists, try to cure him. They end up more or less curing the disease but in the process, also unintentionally give him a virus that allows him to control people by telling him what to do. He realizes this power and then his parents are under his control. His mom eventually tries to stand up against his bullshit, only to get a iron to the face, because he told her to do that, scarring her. He then runs away and renames himself "Kilgrave" because it's EDGY. Over the next couple of decades, he does a bunch of heinous shit with his powers. Shortly before the show takes place, he runs into Jessica and makes her be with him. He talks about how he did EVERYTHING for her when in reality, he pretty much raped her on a regular basis and made her kill a woman. She eventually breaks free of his control and ends up a broken mess because of what he did to her. Like many lolcows, he never takes responsibility for his actions. He tries to paint himself as the victim of the situation with his parents even though he was really nothing more than a spoiled brat. He also whines how Jessica "owes" him and that she should be thankful for what he did and doesn't understand why she finds him repulsive. At the last episode, he gloats on the possibility of her wanting him back. He then decides that in this hypothetical situation, he should reject her because she was so mean to him all of this time. And of course, he spergs out when things don't go his way.
- Joined
- Feb 24, 2015
Holt from the Cleveland Show is a dudebro midget who lives with his mother, fucks blowup dolls, and has never had sex without paying for it. He often tells sex stories which only serve to make him seem even more pathetic. For example, he once mentioned having sex with a mermaid that turned out to be a sea bass.
Coincidentally enough, his blowup doll's name is "Kimmy" like Chris's.
Coincidentally enough, his blowup doll's name is "Kimmy" like Chris's.
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- Joined
- Sep 18, 2014
Has anyone mentioned Bertie Wooster yet? Picture a 1920's idle rich bumbling buffoon on a love quest who's man Jeeves has to act as a full time wrangler for him (there is a bit more to the relationship than that).
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2014
I've been rereading Misery and holy shit Annie Wilkes is the queen of lolcows, but is still is the most terrifying fat piece of shit. The cast of most comedy shows are usually lolcows, with mostly shows like the office or it's always sunny.
- Joined
- May 15, 2015
"You... killed... my... MISERY!!!"
Argh!
Annie Wilkes gave me nightmares, even as an adult. She was not just a crazed fangirl & a sadist, she was a serial killer of so many types of people.
*shudders*
- Joined
- Feb 24, 2015
Light Yagami from Death Note is a horrorcow with a god complex who kills people because of a warped sense of justice. It's outright stated several times in the show itself that he's a huge manchild who has a very immature sense of right and wrong. Though, to his credit, he's shown to be leagues smarter than most cows, real or fictional.
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Played Fallout New Vegas' Old World Blues Expansion again recently, and while it is filled with lolcows and horrorcows, Dr. Borous of the Think Tank stands head and shoulders above them all.
For starters, he's that nerdy kid who got picked on by school bullies who grew up to become a mad scientist who never grew up past his shitty high school experience and despite his intellect, is still a massive whining manbaby about it.
When you go through his school themed dungeon, it goes from pathetic to horrifying when you realize his idea of revenge would involve siccing the cyberdogs and nightstalkers you have to fight on that bully he always hated. Worse, you find out he's a control freak with a really severe god complex as well.
The horror continues when you realize not only is he responsible for the rattlesnake/coyote nightstalker hybrids that now infest the Mojave, he also made the Cazadores, and his head is so far up his own ass he truly believes they are perfect and their creation didn't backfire in any way (despite having access to his own research facilities, he's completely blind to the fact they've reproduced despite them supposedly being designed to be sterile).
He does have one humanizing trait though: when he was still human and not a brain in a tank; he truly loved his dog Gabe, but even this becomes horrifying when you realize, courtesy of his own account, he was treating the only being in the world that loved him unconditionally like a science experiment, and even though you can pass some speech checks to make Borous realize how much he hurt the one being who loved him unconditionally, his sociopathy is so advanced he tries to bury that knowledge since it makes him uncomfortable. Also, while difficult to do, if Gabe manages to survive the encounter with you and the roboscorpions that try to kill you, Borous is glad you spared Gabe's life, but is still so deranged he doesn't realize his beloved pet is still a monster created by his own hands.
Of course, most of his colleagues aren't much better, but frankly, none of them come close to his level of madness. Klein is a pretentious dumbass who tries to come off as smarter than he is, but is both the sanest and thus most dangerous member of the Think Tank. Dala is so obsessed with biology she sees experimenting on humans as "playing with teddy bears" (as a human she liked actual teddy bears, which merged with her mad scientist personality), though it's this that also allows her retain most of her own humanity ironically enough. Zero is basically Rusty Venture from the Venture Brothers, and while a bitter douche, remains quite human with a little self esteem boost, and it's hard to tell how screwed up 8 is or not.
For starters, he's that nerdy kid who got picked on by school bullies who grew up to become a mad scientist who never grew up past his shitty high school experience and despite his intellect, is still a massive whining manbaby about it.
When you go through his school themed dungeon, it goes from pathetic to horrifying when you realize his idea of revenge would involve siccing the cyberdogs and nightstalkers you have to fight on that bully he always hated. Worse, you find out he's a control freak with a really severe god complex as well.
The horror continues when you realize not only is he responsible for the rattlesnake/coyote nightstalker hybrids that now infest the Mojave, he also made the Cazadores, and his head is so far up his own ass he truly believes they are perfect and their creation didn't backfire in any way (despite having access to his own research facilities, he's completely blind to the fact they've reproduced despite them supposedly being designed to be sterile).
He does have one humanizing trait though: when he was still human and not a brain in a tank; he truly loved his dog Gabe, but even this becomes horrifying when you realize, courtesy of his own account, he was treating the only being in the world that loved him unconditionally like a science experiment, and even though you can pass some speech checks to make Borous realize how much he hurt the one being who loved him unconditionally, his sociopathy is so advanced he tries to bury that knowledge since it makes him uncomfortable. Also, while difficult to do, if Gabe manages to survive the encounter with you and the roboscorpions that try to kill you, Borous is glad you spared Gabe's life, but is still so deranged he doesn't realize his beloved pet is still a monster created by his own hands.
Of course, most of his colleagues aren't much better, but frankly, none of them come close to his level of madness. Klein is a pretentious dumbass who tries to come off as smarter than he is, but is both the sanest and thus most dangerous member of the Think Tank. Dala is so obsessed with biology she sees experimenting on humans as "playing with teddy bears" (as a human she liked actual teddy bears, which merged with her mad scientist personality), though it's this that also allows her retain most of her own humanity ironically enough. Zero is basically Rusty Venture from the Venture Brothers, and while a bitter douche, remains quite human with a little self esteem boost, and it's hard to tell how screwed up 8 is or not.
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- Joined
- Dec 9, 2015
I think both Tuppy Glossop and Roderick Spode of "Jeeves and Wooster" count. Both are self important hotheads with no self awareness, and both have a habit of flying off the handle over nothing.
Spode wins out though, for wanting to be literally British Hitler, and making it his goal to widen all train-tracks so "Cows can Stand Sideways!!!"
Spode wins out though, for wanting to be literally British Hitler, and making it his goal to widen all train-tracks so "Cows can Stand Sideways!!!"