Andy Wolan / Andrew Wolan / NO CARRIER / Bleedyass
Andy "Bleedyass" Wolan is a rapidly balding middle aged Sonic the Hedgehog fan.
Creating an Emulation website as a teenager in the late 1990's, Andy has never grown past it. Andy Wolan still runs the trash website "Emulation Zone" well over 25 years later. Part of the website, SSRG (Short for Super Shitty Retarded & Gay) is devoted to Sonic the Hedgehog. However he ragequit and killed the site in the 2000's due to trolling. However, mirrors still exist. He has multiple trash sub-projects that are linked and hosted by himself. Emulation Zone was/is an unpopular, ass-ugly site and has never been taken seriously.
Website as it appears today -
Website as it appeared in 1998 (Archive)
Site in 2022
Site as it appeared in 1998. Not much change.
How can you go 25+ years and never pass
Geocities level HTML design? It looks like an early era
Myspace page. Another example is the
Zone Radio Network (Another website developed by Andy Wolan devoted to early audio podcasts about Sonic the Hedgehog, showing Andy Wolan's child-like web design.)(
Archive)
Andy Wolan's only claim to fame is figuring out how to link two files in a DOS prompt. (Something
everyone knew how to do in the 1990's, as it was used to connect split files from small file size disks.) Simply type at the dos prompt: COPY /B S&K.BIN + SONIC3.BIN SONIC4.BIN. His authorship of this method has been questioned, some early EFNET emulation IRC channels crediting the discovery to "
Damaged Cybernetics", a website from the middle 1990's. People have trolled Andy Wolan for years claiming that he did not create this method, (satirically) however Andy Wolan takes it dead serious. Evidence of Andy Wolan's "creation" can be found in an archive of a late 1990's emulation site "Archaic Ruins" (
Archive) dated 1998.
This combination creates the game Sonic the Hedgehog 3 & Knuckles. However features were broken and non-functional, something Andy Wolan was far too stupid to fix. It would be fixed YEARS later by a Sonic the Hedgehog hacker that wasn't a total retard.
Middle Aged Sonic Fan
Andy Wolan is still obsessed with Sonic the Hedgehog in his 40's. His fucking 40's. The man is middle aged and is still obsessed with a blue rodent game series that died in the early 2000's. He's like Chrischan in that regard. His opinion on Sonic the Hedgehog's blue arms remains unknown. The man is so obsessed that he does LECTURES on it.
SSRG Talk at Retro World Expo Nov 8, 2021 (
Archive) (
Another Archive)
The attendance reached at least thirteen people:
He did so wearing... cat ears. Like a tranny Twitch streamer.
His arrogance is so massive, that he believes people are linging up to hear his hot takes on Sonic the Hedgehog. However according to his
Facebook no one he knows even cared. Andy Wolan echos on his facebook into the nothingness before the lecture and no one replied. You can imagine him sitting there waiting for a Facebook alert that never came...
Even after the lecture no one cared...
He post after the lecture used the term "w00t",
a term no one has used in 15 years.
Chugga chugga, chugga chugga, wooo wooooooo! Here come's the faggot train!
Personal Life
If you check his
LinkedIn it appears he has done a considerable amount of coding for large, important projects. His resume is packed with a great education, lots of experience, and likely great money. Which makes his Sonic the Hedgehog obsession even fucking weirder.
From
zoominfo:
"Andy Wolan works as a Host at Sonic HQ, which is a Broadcasting company. They used to work at Digital Marketing." then followed by "Sonic HQ is a fan run information, news, and reviews site specializing in Sonic Team games and related products and are not related to any of these companies. This website uses modified SVG icons from FontAwesome."
The unusual part of this scenario is that Sonic the Hedgehog games are coded so poorly, it's like it was done by apes. With pens in their asses. Slapping them on the keyboard. It's unknown how Andy Wolan handles these garbage games as a big time coder man, but it's likely due to the crossover between Sonic the Hedgehog fans and cosplay. Because he LOVES cosplay which can be seen by his
Facebook Friends list.
Andy Wolan would eventually be seen in photos for the first time in his life
with a woman on his Facebook.
Her name appears to be Suji, which when translated from brown person to English means "mail order bride". Using his great coder money, he flew her to American to play with her lady penis.
He unfortunately had to buy an extra ticked for her massive fucking nose.
Look at the god damn thing. It looks like one of those
large nosed novelty masks with the eyebrows and glasses. Her nose is so big when she exhales all dirt withing five feet blows into the wind. Hopefully she doesn't do cocaine because no one else will get any.
Andy Wolan already nose, er, knows that the only woman he can get is by being a race traitor.
Andy Wolan's failures at running Sonic the Hedgehog websites
Andy Wolan's deeply homosexual Sonic the Hedgehog fanhood caused him to create the website SSRG. (Sonic's Stupid Rancid Garbage) SSRG was his attempt to be the go-to place for Sonic the Hedgehog ROM hacks. It had his usual Geocities like web design: SSRG (
Archive)(
Original site dead due to ragequit)
Something that would be filled by a set Sonic the Hedgehog hacking guides. created by a user called Saxman. (
Archive)
Andy Wolan would attempt to absorb this website into his, like he did with many other sites. However it broke away from the SSRG and eventually had the domain shacnet.com (
Archive, original site is dead) which flattened the SSRG's guides. Andy would not remove the guides even after the author (Saxman) requested it.
The domain was purchased and hosted by Sonic Cult,
pissing Andy off. (
Archive)
Andy Wolan was sure he could outdo the website Sonic Cult, run by webmaster pervert Pachuka, who made zero effort while Andy Wolan struggled. Known for throwing tantrums directed at Sonic Cult, Andy Wolan became a target for internet bullying by Sonic Cult and it's satellite communities. This would go on for years, causing Andy Wolan great distress and many sleepless nights.
Sonic Cult obsession
Pachuka, and by proxy Sonic Cult would become Andy Wolan's obsession. He would work on the SSRG for a small moment in time in the year 2000. (Yes, his problems with Pachuka started 22 years ago.) Someone used the news script to post something gay and Andy Wolan blamed Pachuka because both he and this unknown individual both used the now defunct internet service provider
America Online. Andy Wolan was wrong about this but never apologized or undid his banning. This caused Sonic Cult to absorb everything on the SSRG, making Andy Wolan big mad and big sad. His desire to outdo Sonic Cult caused him to try to absorb as many Sonic the Hedgehog related sites as possible so he didn't have to do any work, or HTML, or any hacking. All things Andy Wolan lacked the talent to do. Actually he REALLY sucked at HTML. Example:
Lock-On Technology Hacking Guide. (
Archive)
Every website he touched tanked horribly while Sonic Cult grew. The more Sonic Cult grew, the angrier Andy Wolan became. Sonic Cult lived rent free in Andy Wolan's head to the point that it became sexual. He would even write absurd long, long rants on his website, much to the delight of those who viewed him as a Pachuka obsessed clown. He legitimately made an entire website
devoted to his beef with Pachuka. (Mirror)(
Archive) Example of insane, absurd rants written:
Example 1: Four pages! (Mirror)
Example 2:
Ten. Fucking. Pages. Jesus Christ. (Mirror) He was also very good at
editing Pachuka's wiki article. (
Archive)
He was seen as late as
15 years later trying to prevent people from visiting the dead Sonic Cult.
Sonic Cult has lived rent free in Andy Wolan's head for a decade and a half at this point. Sonic Cult had been dead for years.
Sonic Retro Forum post. (
Archive) His entire user-page predictably is
full of Sonic Cult and Pachuka edits. (
Archive)
Pachuka's user-page. (
Archive)
The Anal Bleeding Incident, and the Hilarious Outcome
Andy Wolan would go on to threaten Pachuka with legal action if he didn't stop cyber-bullying him. He claimed that the cyber-bullying was causing him health issues. This is not a joke. Andy Wolan's claim was the bullying caused him to bleed rectally. He typed this. On a forum. Where people could read it. He claimed he wanted to sue Pachuka for
rectal damages. This caused Sonic Cult great joy, dubbing Andy Wolan as "Bleedyass" forever. No one referenced Andy Wolan as "NO CARRIER" anymore, just Bleedyass. Andy Wolan would ban anyone who called him Bleedyass, but it spread like wildfire. The more he fought it, the more of a Streisand effect it had. He was quite literally buttsore. Legend has it his anus is still bleeding until this day.
From the
shithole known as Reddit: (
Archive)
"I had no clue what the fuck was going on through the whole CulT drama/Wolan anal bleeding stuff and was just wondering why my favorite sites were constantly down"
also another user said:
"Ahaha. Oh god, I never thought I'd hear the andy wolan bleeding ass thing again... That really brings me back."
Tweaker took a break from fucking his sister
and joined in:
"<Tweaker> I bleed out my ass, but not as much as Andy Wolan!" (
Archive)
From
Encyclopedia Dramatica: (Referencing Pachuka)
he was notorious for trolling the fuck out of the owners of other Sonic sites, most notably Andy Wolan, who at one point actually threatened to sue Pachuka for causing him so much stress that he started bleeding out of his anus." (Mirror)
Then
Tweaker owns him. Tweaker. Fucking Tweaker.
"If you can find a better description for claiming that your ass was bleeding, go for it. Don't expect to escape the infamous "bleedyass" term, though, if that's one of your goals." (
Archive)
A video titled "
My Anus is Bleeding" was spread around to mock him:
People still remember this, as there was someone who made the comment "Andy Wolan" on "my anus is bleeding" just 4 years ago in 2018.
Andy Wolan's Sonic Retro wiki editing
Andy Wolan loves to write about himself and his failed projects. Checking nearly every entry of him or any of his websites has edited by a person named "ss is testing" (This is his alt) and his main handle "No carrier". "Ss is testing" has a MASSIVE amount of entries on
Andy Wolan, Emulation Zone, SSRG, and others. (
Archive)
Then under his other internet handle "NO CARRIER" he edited, you guessed it,
the entries for Pachuka and Sonic Cult. Nearly to
exclusively. (
Archive) Also
User:NO_CARRIER. (
Archive)
He also threatened to stop editing Sonic Retro's wiki if they didn't "tone down" the description of his health problems. (He wanted them to
remove the anal bleeding part)(
Archive)
"
But if you insist on not toning down the description of my health problems, then you might as well delete my account for I will not bother contributing to your wiki anymore."
Translation: "I'm a faggot and I'm taking my ball and going home!"
Under the name "ss is testing" Andy Wolan edited his personal user page and the various entries for his websites. He constantly tried to remove the bleeding ass entries under this alt. This caused an edit war that lasted about two hours before they protected the article, complete with the bloody anus entry. (This would be changed further down the road) He would be owned from the
talk page, once again Tweaker. Andy Wolan gets owned by Tweaker a second time. That's sad as a MF. Andy Wolan's alternate identity as "ss is testing" would be confirmed in an edit by Sonic Retro tech member "Aurochs". Ss is testing would also be caught trying to remove the bleedyass mentions on his wiki entry. Aurochs would then lock the article with the bleedyass entry. Aurochs would call Andy Wolan out on his alt saying:
"it was a very odd thing for you to say, andy. also, stuff about the ssrg should be put in SSRG."
Ss is testing/Andy Wolan does not deny it:
Softball
Andy Wolan was last seen
playing softball with other middle aged 3RD graders. For those not American, softball is a gayer version of our gayest sport, baseball. It's doubly gay. It's usually played by women. He's on a team with other middle aged dorks, trying to relive elementary school. Here you can see his brown sex-trafficked woman holding his balls:
Sadly she won't handle his grape-sized crotch nuggets. His team used to play kickball, but they decided they needed something more faggoty. Their softball season ended sadly when they lost their ball over a fence where there was a large dog.
Much like children they get dessert after a game. Here we see Andy Wolan singing about dessert:
Final Thoughts
Andy Wolan was quite possibly the most embarrassing person in all of the Sonic the Hedgehog game fandom. He has zero credibility still to this day, and is commonly referred as "who?" His brown, big nosed lady friend won't fuck him, so he has a full sized Pachuka body pillow he has rough sex with. Other than his work and maybe his gayball team no one knows who he is or what he has created as a website maintainer. Other than
trying to take credit for other people's work:
"At a few past gaming expos, I spoke to folks about my past life with on SSRG, its influence in the early days of the internet, and even its ties to Sonic Mania... ... key people that went on to create Sonic Mania, and any interesting tidbits I can bring forward." (
Archive)
Andy will live in infamy as the loser with a bleeding ass.
andrewwolan@gmail.com
wacko413@hotmail.com
awolan@ecs.umass.edu
Last known address:
161 Old Barn Path
Marshfield, MA 02050
Phone: (617) 320-6072