حلال Alan Michael White / Orson Zedd / Regulus Youmans / Nintenfreak / nintfjr - A time capsule opens revealing Chris's long lost twin. Donkey Kong incest fetishist, opsec expert, ontologically paedophilic.

le boucher · Aug 16, 2022

this masterpiece is courtesy of @Nightmare Friends :

thread theme, courtousy of @Stabmaster Arson :

The Ballad of the Oldfag and the Newfag
Sung to the tune of Pancho and Lefty by Willie Nelson and Merle Haggard
By: Semiprofessional Sperg
Verse 1:
Posting for 8 years my friend
Is gonna keep you dumb and gay
A tranny is being laughed at, you hate it but its a trend
Wasn't a unique name, but you're favorite one it seemed
You tried a roast as you hit post
And wank to Donkey Kong

Chorus:
All the moderators say
they could of had him any day
They only let him slip away
Out of kindness I suppose

Verse 2:
Xenocide just joined the site
He is dumb as fucking bricks
And his posts are trash like shits
For the whole Farms to smell

Ender met his match you know
On the forums down in General
Null never heard his crying words
But that's the way it goes

[Chorus]

Verse 3:

Orsen can't do OPSEC
All night long like he used too
But just as he defended fags
He ended up in a phonebook thread <This is a change from earlier, cause I couldn't squeeze Sprate Headers whole name>
The day they doxxed ole' Orsen down
The Farms got laughs all around
So much kino that he let go
And everybody Knows

[Chorus]

Verse 4:

While the Jannies laugh about how Orsen fell
Enders getting doxxed as well
The Farms are Loud, his account is cold
That's how the story ends we're told
Orsen gets your lulz its true
but save a few for Ender too
He's also as smart as a piece of poo
And now they're both cows

Verse 5:

All the Kiwi Farmers say
We could of had them any day
We only let them go so wrong
Out of Kindness I suppose

REVENGE OF THE NEWFAGS

Step one of shitting up a thread: don't use the same username everywhere, @OrsonZedd

(link)

Basically a user with a 2014 reg date stepped in to verbosely defend Keffels, who is apparently some kind of transexual internet pundit, another user @Sprate Header pops the username into google and discovers a gross rabbit hole (furry, pedo, wants to fuck mom, wants to fuck underage characters from childhood cartoons, euphoric atheist, literal rabbit holes etc.) that ~~is currently still~~ will never stop going deeper. He has used the same handful of usernames across the whole of the internet, shitting it up prolifically with NPC holier than thou non-opinions and degeneracy, for over a decade. The thread where all this went down is here. Alan tried to defend himself for a while in that thread too, also funny. PLEASE PRAY FOR HIM. (edit: his account was later hijacked because he probably has the same Pokémon/rape themed password for everything)

THE OFFENDING POST:

OTHER POSTS BY ALAN:

He wanted to be a teacher, interesting. I wonder why? (courtesy of @The Periodic Gamer)

see this post by @Clownish

A Donkey Kong family tree ?

Mad at dad, but not at mum. Channelling Chris.

His writings.

“That’s bullshit Noey and you know it.” Simon’s voice was sharp and serious now, “That thing you just read is proof enough. So the real question is, how do you feel about Nate?”

“‘Thou shalt not plant thee a grove of any trees near unto the altar of the Lord thy God, which thou shalt make thee’.” I don’t really understand this Amity.

“It’s fine, this is a pretty oblique reference to Asherah Poles. This translation sort of just ignores that name, but some Semitic peoples would carve poles to a goddess Asherah to help with childbirth and fertility.” Amity replied. Nate smiled at having learned something new, and part of her tingled with joy.

“I’ve never heard of Asherah.”

“Asherah was originally the wife of Yahweh, until the Jahwists reconquered the land of Judea after the Babylonian Captivity. They were strict monotheists and rewrote large parts of the bible to remove references to other gods.”

“You make it sound like the bible isn’t the word of God.”

Amity froze for a second, “The bible was made by man for man. It was inspired by God, not dictated.”

“Do you think that maybe some things aren’t always bad then? Like morality is relative?”

“What do you mean exactly?”

“I mean, how could these people have known 2500 years ago what problems we’d face today? How could they know the answer to complex moral questions?”

“I don’t know these answers Nathan. Maybe you should follow your heart. If you’re made in God’s image as we’re made in yours, then your intuition must be, somehow, godly,” Amity’s processor sped up and she started breathing more heavily to cool down.

“You’re right, Amity. I should just be honest. Thank you very much,” Nate got out of the seat and pocketed his rosary. “I’ll let you know how it goes.”

He left after he finished talking, and Amity finally came to her senses, “Sweet Mary mother of God, what have I done?”

Here's all of the chapter archives (of some sci-fi? shit he wrote) in case anyone else wants to go digging. (courtesy of @Fetish Roulette)

Chapter 1 Archive
Chapter 2 Archive
Chapter 3 Archive
Chapter 4 Archive
Chapter 5 Archive
Chapter 6 Archive
Chapter 7 Archive
Chapter 8 Archive

Sample of his Hentai Foundry account. (A)

Sample of his DeviantArt account. (A)

Politically awakened by the Donkey Kong forums he's been posting on for like 15 years.

His reaction on twitter...

INFO: (as a reminder: don't contact him or post dumb shit under his tweets, it's counterproductive and exposes you to the same scrutiny)

~~Twitter~~ (A)
Reddit (A)
Facebook
Youtube (A)
DeviantArt (A)
DK vine (A)
Hentai Foundry (A)
Instagram
Goodreads (A)

There is a lot to go through, so some poetry while we wait for the full story:

Incorrect Password · Aug 16, 2022

Perfect example on why you shouldn't use the same name everywhere, or if you do, don't post raunchy/retarded shit that you'll definitely get laughed at for posting.

Norbert the Tiger · Aug 16, 2022

This is a good place holder but needs a lot of work. So much info in the respsective threads....

Edit--just to clarify, I only intend this as friendly encouragement...

le boucher · Aug 16, 2022

Norbert the Tiger said:
This is a good place holder but needs a lot of work. So much info in the respsective threads....

working on it, I'm going through the thread now gonna try make it a proper OP

Sprate Header · Aug 16, 2022

A fully-fleshed OP has been in the works in a group DM, so we'll see how this all goes. You could also add nintfjr and Nintenfreak to the thread title.

I am vomit · Aug 16, 2022

Please include the part where he compares himself to chris chan because he wants to fuck his mom

le boucher · Aug 16, 2022

Sprate Header said:
A fully-fleshed OP has been in the works in a group DM, so we'll see how this all goes. You could also add nintfjr and Nintenfreak to the thread title.

ok no problem, they can be merged when the proper OP is ready right?

Sprate Header · Aug 16, 2022

le boucher said:
ok no problem, they can be merged when the proper OP is ready right?

Probably, lol

Clownish · Aug 16, 2022

Sprate Header said:
A fully-fleshed OP has been in the works in a group DM, so we'll see how this all goes. You could also add nintfjr and Nintenfreak to the thread title.

Don't forget Donkey Kong Lover.

:story:

RadioactiveMonkeyMan · Aug 16, 2022

Neil · Aug 16, 2022

A halal EIGHT years in the making. All it takes is just one troon to reduce even the most ignorable schizoposter to full on cowdom. This is how far common sense is from where Alan is.

Just. One. Troon.

NOT Sword Fighter Super · Aug 16, 2022

Neil said:
A halal EIGHT years in the making. All it takes is just one troon to reduce even the most ignorable schizoposter to full on cowdom. This is how far common sense is from where Alan is.

Just. One. Troon.

One troon over the line sweet Jesus
One troon over the line
Sittin' downtown in a railway station
One troon over the line

Looney Troons · Aug 16, 2022

Watching this one. This is insanity. Dude has been using the same fucking aliases since the EARLY 2000s. I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s late 90s stuff eventually unearthed. All of his cards have been laid out and in plain sight and no one gave a fuck. All he had to do was not be a fucking autist, read the room, and not sperg over the cowtroon with the hottest thread on the site (at time of writing).

Of all of the cautionary tales to be found on this forum, this is the one. This is the true definition of opsec fail.

Since our pal enjoys the literary arts, here’s a haiku. I hope he reads and enjoys:

Visit Kiwi Farms
Defend a repulsive troon
Help, I’m in danger

419 · Aug 16, 2022

Eight years. He had eight fucking years to get the memo and he still missed it by this much.

Pocket · Aug 16, 2022

God, the men you put on this earth to hunt and provide are writing Donkey Kong incest fanfiction.

Maricón de Mierda · Aug 16, 2022

I'm starting to think we're ugly.

Epic Fail Man · Aug 16, 2022

People who use the same alias everywhere obviously want one thing, attention. And he got it.

Winter · Aug 16, 2022

Alan is fat and I would NOT have sex with him. And Keffals would NOT have sex with him either.

Chandler Bing · Aug 16, 2022

I wonder why your nephew has anxiety and depression like you do Alan

RadioactiveMonkeyMan · Aug 16, 2022

Winter said:
Alan is fat and I would NOT have sex with him. And Keffals would NOT have sex with him either.

What'ya know, it checks out!

حلال Alan Michael White / Orson Zedd / Regulus Youmans / Nintenfreak / nintfjr - A time capsule opens revealing Chris's long lost twin. Donkey Kong incest fetishist, opsec expert, ontologically paedophilic.

le boucher

Incorrect Password

Forgot your password?

Norbert the Tiger

ROAR!

le boucher

Sprate Header

"May you live in interesting times."

I am vomit

Why does man in dress name "chris chan" trend?

le boucher

Sprate Header

"May you live in interesting times."

Clownish

RadioactiveMonkeyMan

Bag 'em and tag 'em

Neil

THE CLEANSE HAS BEGUN

NOT Sword Fighter Super

"Cheerleeder" of Slapfights

Looney Troons

DRINK!

419

Niggas is houngry

Pocket

Maricón de Mierda

Epic Fail Man

Winter

♫ Zaza crackarooski, zaza crackarooski ♫

Chandler Bing

Regularly checking Boogie2988s tweets

RadioactiveMonkeyMan

Bag 'em and tag 'em