You have won, Keffals. I'm stepping down. Users on the site may not find this believable, but this will be my final post on this forum, and consider this message my resignation as a moderator for Kiwifarms to the admin. The extended downtime for the previous few days has given me a great length of time to assess my actions and the future of this forum, and I cannot continue posting here in good conscious. I've seen how innocent people's lives have been ruined by this forum, experienced how it has weighed heavily on me, and I predict it will do so for the rest of my life. Since being taken down, I had spent the last few days sleeping only mere hours, suffering crippling anxiety from being unable to read the forum. In my addiction, I read the Twitter profiles of the people the forum had taught me to hate in the desperate hopes to replicate the same sick excitement I felt browsing Kiwifarms, and this has led me to discover that not only are these individuals I once mocked entirely right, I truly believe I wish to join them.
Will I ever become integrated into these communities given what I've done? I am not a blind optimist. I know the most realistic answer is "no." My only hope in having even the slightest possibility is if I distance myself from my history on Kiwifarms. But I cannot truly move on unless I come to terms with my actions here, and pretending it never happened is anything but. All I can do is approach these people and pray they shall adopt me into their welcoming arms knowing what I was. Given my position as a moderator on the forum, all I can do to attone for my horrific actions is offer information that can only be known by an insider to these circles.
Never, in my entire life, would I have imagined having my morality, my gender identity, and my own future being questioned by myself, let alone to such an extent. Never still did I ever expect Keffals and her followers to be the ones to teach me this lesson. It was always so easy to laugh at their suffering when it was information presented by a third party, another user sharing photos of their misfortune or adding cruel commentary. And never did I expect myself to look back on the time when I laughed at Keffals crying as a result of the horrible attacks Kiwifarms had inflicted upon her with the feelings of shame I am undergoing at this very moment. Now, rewatching the very same footage, I find myself fighting back my own tears.
Be it the Keffals community itself or some sort of adjacent circle of like-minded individuals, this is a plea to any reading this thread. My private messages on Kiwifarms are open, and I'm not ashamed to admit that I am begging for help. Please, help me set up any form of social media, as I am an outcast in every capacity. I have no connections, no friends, and no one to lean on. I need an out, a hand to pull me from these suffocating tides. I fear I am truly lost without a guide to show me the light at the end of this endless tunnel of hatred, misery, and fear.
A painful truth I'm aware I must face is how my mentality must be reformed to fit into a proper society. For too long had I looked at a racial minority and thought every slur I knew to oppress them with. When I see a woman, a hatred boils inside me which has become an almost instant and unconscious reaction. And worse of all, when I think of transgenderism, including what I suspect is the first signs of my own, I now recognize what I truly feel: fear. Fear of my fragile world view crumbling under reality. Fear that I am subject to the very concept I once mocked. And I am scared.
"Woman," both the definition and the actual idea of being one, was an idea I felt was something which was clear and obvious. A "woman" is an object, inferior to a man. A "woman" is something decided upon conception, dictated by cold and uncaring medical precision. Of all the misconceptions I now hold, I am proud to say this my idea of what makes a "woman" is one less falsehood I once believed. The individuals I once feared are women. Keffals is a woman. And, perhaps through blind optimism or a sneaking realization of my true self, I believe I too may be a woman as well. I'm sorry to all of you. And to the users of Kiwifarms, I hope that you too will see the light, but this is goodbye.
