Lolcow athletes

[Meat Target]

This is more than just athletes who suck or have a tendency to choke in the clutch. This is for athletes who make asses of themselves, on and/or off the field. I'll start.

Trevor Bauer (Pitcher, LA Dodgers):

I'll start by being fair to Trevor: he is an All-Star and a Cy Young Award winner who has proven a lot of his haters wrong. But he also consistently acts like a jackass.

• Sperg obsessed with being the best pitcher ever.
• Parents, teammates, and coaches all agree that he's a subpar athlete, as he can't run or jump
• tries to improve his skills with quack science and a strength-training tube others have dubbed his "penis pole". He once made his entire college team wait at the airport when it was lost.
• Abrasive and hot-headed. Has a long history of a-logging other players and coaches, most notably Gerrit Cole, his former UCLA teammate and nemesis.
• Refuses to accept advice from others.
• Makes diss tracks
• Trolls fans and opponents, both on-field and online
• Was playing with drones at Progressive Field and sliced his finger, which may have harmed the Cleveland Indians' 2016 Postseason.
• In 2019, during a bad outing against the Royals, he got mad and threw a ball from the pitcher's mound over the center field wall, which got him traded soon after.
• MLB told him to get the hell off Twitter for excessive shitposting
• Got caught cheating with a sticky substance that puts more spin on the ball,then claimed he was doing it to get the League to pay attention to other pitchers cheating in the same way.
• May get banned from baseball for sexual assault allegations.

 

[Oughtism]

I think there are loads of people to be covered here, although I guess the "cow" status might be debatable for some. To get very good at something you have to commit a lot of time so there is a high chance of overlapping sperging for top athletes. Just a few names that come to mind: Dennis Rodman, Ron Artest, Mike Tyson.

Also plenty of older ones that definitely would have been proper cows if they'd had access to the Internet, like Bill Lee:

I'll definitely revisit this thread, hope to read up on some gems!

 

[ForgedBlades]

Artest is the first person to come to mind, but as far as modern players go AB is probably at the top of the list.

 

[Chongqing]

 

[Zbk3VmLfujjzjxBd43tL]

The NFL has always been full of them, like Antonio Brown, Johnny Manziel, Pacman Jones, etc.

Special mention for Urban Meyer when he coached the Jaguars the other year.

 

[BIG BILL HELL'S]

There's no middle ground with regards to lolcowdom with athletes, is there? Either they're completely nondescript and normal human beings, or they're fucking space cadets like Chad Johnson.

 

[Hot Dog]

Mike Tyson.

Mike is more sad than he is funny, he had an insane life and got taken advantage of by sharks and grifters. His autobiography is really worth the read/listen.

 

[Kheapathic]

Does Jim Cornette count? Dude wasn't an actual wrestler, but billed as a manager and was a strong presence for years. Has a restraining order against him by Vince Russo and admitted to trying to kill a man with his car. Now he has Trump / Republican Derangement Syndrome.

I'm sure Vince McMahon can count as a lolcow with how insane some of wrestling's "storylines" have been.

 

[Super Saiyan Hitler]

Dan Quinn is batshit insane. As far as I can tell, he used to be a serious athlete in several sports, but then he lost his mind. He's most famous for his advocacy for stevia, a sugar replacement, which he snorts because he believes that it gives him superpowers. He apparently achieved some success with his stevia preaching and managed to convince some MMA fighters to use stevia as a performance enhancer. When he doesn't snort stevia, he sometimes blends it to create a 'cold fission' drink. Unsurprisingly he does a lot of real drugs too.

Another common theme is that he challenges people to fights, including some well-known people in the MMA community. Those fights and other violent behavior have gotten him charged with battery, assault and making death threats and he has spent some time in jail. Like every retired lolcow, he reminisces about his old glory days, although he believes that with the power of stevia, he can still beat 20-year-olds.

This is a good short documentary on him:

In this video, he makes a protein shake with protein powder, canned fish, stevia and weed.

Some other videos:

Spoiler

 

[Thiletonomics]

Lewis Hamilton would obviously fit the Lolcow Athlete criteria. He's been getting more and more unhinged, after F1 was no longer the "HAMILTON WINS LOL" show.

 

[JamusActimus]

Some ufc fighters and some chess players are nuts.

 

[Gin-san]

Kellen Winslow Jr. defiantly is a lolcow athlete. For those of you who don't know, Winslow is the son of pro football Hall of Famer, Kellen Winslow Sr. He went to the University of Miami and was apart of the 2001 National Championship team. His first big controversy was when he went on an unhinged rant about being a solider after a game against Tennessee in 2003.

Despite this, he was never punished and went on to be the 6th overall pick in the 2004 NFL Draft. Winslow had a severe porn addiction and would regularly watch pornography during team meetings and flights. Keep in mind that this was before smart phones, so he would watch porn on a portable DVD player. There were a few instances of team staffers walking in on Winslow masturbating in the locker room and it was even reported that he would bring a sex doll with him on road trips.

By 2014, teams were sick of his shit and he was out of the league. In 2018, Winslow was arrested for raping a 58 year old homeless woman and a 54 year old hitchhiker. He was also accused by a 77 year old woman of pleasuring himself in front of her. Apparently he was into GILFs. In 2021 he was sentenced to 14 years in prison for the multiple rapes he had committed.

So that is the story of Kellen Winslow Jr., a deranged coomer with an old lady fetish.

 

[Nod Flenders]

Antonio Brown is definitely a lolcow. He walked out on his team in a game last year, taking his jersey off and throwing it to the ground. He also recently showed his penis in a hotel pool in Dubai.

 

[pururun]

As someone who only rarely watches sports (I try to follow the NPB but time zone differences make that difficult), I'm very intrigued by this thread. For something seen as a "normie" (for lack of a better word) interest, sports really is full of absolute weirdos. Neat to see lolcows in a different environment than the usual internet sphere.

 

[Meat Target]

The NFL has always been full of them, like Antonio Brown, Johnny Manziel, Pacman Jones, etc.

Special mention for Urban Meyer when he coached the Jaguars the other year.

Johnny Manziel was another one I thought of mentioning.

I give you Mark "The Bird" Fidrych (1954-2009), who pitched for the Detroit Tigers from 1976 to 1980.



Though a star pitcher in his own right, it was his bizarre antics and rituals on the mound that made him a sensation among fans.

• Got his nickname because fans thought he looked like Big Bird
• Would visibly talk to the ball and himself in-game (he maintained that that was how he'd stay focused)
• Would manicure the pitcher's mound by himself, with his bare hands, refusing to let the groundskeepers fix it.
• Was one of the first athletes to utter the world "bullshit" on live TV (this was controversial back in the day). His teammates them sent him a prank telegram claiming that the MLB commissioner had fined him $250.
• Is currently the only baseball player to have been featured on the cover of Rolling Stone

Sadly, his career, and life, ended too soon. He retired after only 4 years due to being plagued by injuries. In 2009, he was crushed to death by a dump truck.

RIP Bird. You were too pure for this world.

 

[Matt Damon]

In 2009, he was crushed to death by a dump truck.

I'm just reading about this and the specifics are even worse: his clothes (I'd assume a shirt or jacket) got wrapped up on the spinning PTO shaft of the truck and strangled him to death.

Goddamn, that's a bad way to go.

 

[Meat Target]

There's no middle ground with regards to lolcowdom with athletes, is there? Either they're completely nondescript and normal human beings, or they're fucking space cadets like Chad Johnson.

As someone who only rarely watches sports (I try to follow the NPB but time zone differences make that difficult), I'm very intrigued by this thread. For something seen as a "normie" (for lack of a better word) interest, sports really is full of absolute weirdos. Neat to see lolcows in a different environment than the usual internet sphere.

It's also kinda hard to call some of them lolcows when they're also capable of impressive feats.

The fact that John Daly and Bartolo Colon can do what they do while treating their bodies like landfills makes their athletic accomplishments all the more amazing.

 

[Pitbull Victim]

War Machine/Jon Koppenhaver - for plenty of obvious reasons including that he was trolled by 4chan into punching himself in the face.

Ernie Holmes - DT on the Pittsburgh Steelers who had a psychotic break before the 1973 season and started shooting at cars on the highway starting a four hour police manhunt where he shot and wounded the pilot of a police helicopter. He got probation and kept playing for the Steelers until he got too fat, then was traded to Tampa Bay who cut him for being too fat. Also was a massive alcoholic.

Vince Young - Scored a 6 on the Wonderlic (basically the NFL's IQ test), tying for third lowest ever. The average score for a QB is 24. This may explain how Vince Young blew through 26 million dollars in 6 years, once spending $15,000 on a single outing at the Cheesecake Factory.

Lenny Dykstra - broke, toothless, drug addicted, multiple felon, lolsuit filer, and serial sex pervert. Possibly the ultimate sports lolcow.

 

[Pee Cola]

I give you Mark "The Bird" Fidrych (1954-2009), who pitched for the Detroit Tigers from 1976 to 1980.

I'm surprised there hasn't been an episode of The Dollop about The Bird yet. Considering how much of a baseball sperg Dave Anthony is and all. The baseball episodes are the only listenable Dollops these days since Dave contracted chronic TDS that's only gotten worse since Trump left office.

Lenny Dykstra - broke, toothless, drug addicted, multiple felon, lolsuit filer, and serial sex pervert. Possibly the ultimate sports lolcow.

I'm also surprised Lenny Dykstra wasn't mentioned earlier. You know you're a lolcow when a court rules that it is legally impossible to defame you.

 

[Meat Target]

Lenny Dykstra - broke, toothless, drug addicted, multiple felon, lolsuit filer, and serial sex pervert. Possibly the ultimate sports lolcow.

Jim Cramer tried to hawk Lenny Dykstra as a money genius, but then it became apparent that Lenny knew nothing about investing, and was just guessing like a monkey with a typewriter.