What was the most lolcow moment in the history of war?

Shidoen said:
I always remember that time in WW2 where the Soviets trained dogs to basically be tank busters by using backpacks full of explosives' on them. Unfortunately in the actual scenario against the Germans the dogs couldn't tell the difference between a soviet and a German tank. Needless to say those tank dogs busted an entire batallion while the Germans looked in confusion..
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One variant of the story goes that the Soviets used diesel-powered Soviet tanks as training targets for the bomb dogs carrying dummy explosives, so the dogs started to identify target tanks based on the smell of diesel exhaust fumes. When the dogs were unleashed on the battlefield with live explosives, they didn't know what to make of the unfamiliar scent of the gasoline-powered German tanks and instead made a beeline for the familiar diesel-scented Soviet tanks.
 
Hitler thought there were hot Aryan space babies under Antartica.

Syphilis: not even once.

That said most nazi mysticism is fucking hilarious and basically just ripped from coked up faggots like Aleister Crowley.
 
millais said:
One variant of the story goes that the Soviets used diesel-powered Soviet tanks as training targets for the bomb dogs carrying dummy explosives, so the dogs started to identify target tanks based on the smell of diesel exhaust fumes. When the dogs were unleashed on the battlefield with live explosives, they didn't know what to make of the unfamiliar scent of the gasoline-powered German tanks and instead made a beeline for the familiar diesel-scented Soviet tanks.
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That makes way more sense than my bootleg version of the story.
 
The total destruction of the Spanish colonial army in the disaster at Annual in 1921 should rank pretty high in the list of complete failures.

The Moroccan Berbers of those days were pretty tough and experienced fighters, but they only had shitty old rifles and no artillery. The Spanish conscript army, though poorly supplied with munitions and food/water, was equipped with very modern armaments, and at least a division's worth of those rifles, MGs, and artillery ended up being captured by the Berbers and used to fuel a decade of bitter wars against the Spanish and French armies in Morocco.

So many Spanish soldiers were massacred during the retreat and after surrendering that it was possible to see the route of the retreat from the trail of human bones visible to low flying aircraft for years to come.

And even after hearing that the Berbers were massacring all the Spanish blockhouse garrisons and detachments that were surrendering their arms, the Spanish officers and conscripts kept on surrendering in their thousands and not even making an effort to break out or put up any resistance.
 
General Burnside at the Battle of Fredricksburg. Led one of the worst defeats of the US Army in its entire history, due largely to his own manifest incompetence. He knew he shouldn't be in charge, but he also fucking hated Joseph Hooker who would have gotten the command if he refused. He accepted it out of pure spite. An absolutely meticulous autist, he even arranged the buttons on his uniform to conform with his plans and absolutely refused to be talked out of them. This led to the infamous pontoon crossing of the Rappahannock River and a full frontal charge on entrenched Confederate troops on the hill overlooking the crossing. It was an absolute slaughter. But his plan had to be followed. So he kept sending men across the river to die, and after the third failure to stick to the plan threatened to lead the next wave personally. His Staff had to literally tard wrangle him.

After the fiasco, he attempted to redeem himself by resuming the offensive in January and promptly got stuck in the mud. His subordinate generals started to get mutinous so he put all his field commanders before a court marshal for insubordination. He was very quickly retired after that.
 
Shidoen said:
I always remember that time in WW2 where the Soviets trained dogs to basically be tank busters by using backpacks full of explosives' on them. Unfortunately in the actual scenario against the Germans the dogs couldn't tell the difference between a soviet and a German tank. Needless to say those tank dogs busted an entire batallion while the Germans looked in confusion..
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I also heard the other big issue was scent. German tanks used Petrol, while Russian tanks used Diesel, so the dogs were conditioned into blowing up the Diesel smelling tanks, and not the Petrol smelling ones. Shenanigans inevitably ensued.
 
Lt. Colonel Custer, best known for his appearance in the hit Atari H game, 'Custer's Revenge'. He underestimated some indians with a tech level 2000+ years more primative. He was grossly out numbered, but so was Cortez and he managed an easy victory over savages that outnumbered them even more egregiously. The only reason he isn't remembered as a total retard is his widow spent the rest of her life coping and seething about him.
 
Dunno if it counts but the trials of Elena Ceasusesu and Mao's wife. They made laughing stocks of themselves. Elena got all pissed and was furious her hands were going to be bound before she got shot. Jiang defended herself poorly in front of dozens and was thrown in jail where she later killed herself because she wanted to get deep throated by her long gone Mao.
 
When the Austrians got drunk and fought the Ottomans (who were not actually present) at Karansebes
Immediately, the hussars and infantry engaged in combat with one another. During the conflict, some infantry began shouting, "Turci! Turci!" ("Turks! Turks!"). The hussars fled the scene, thinking that the Ottoman army's attack was imminent. ...
Most of the infantry also ran away; the army comprised Austrians, Serbs from the military frontier, Croats, and Italians from Lombardy, as well as other minorities, many of whom could not understand one another. ...
The situation was made worse when officers, in an attempt to restore order, shouted, "Halt! Halt!" which was misheard by soldiers with no knowledge of German as "Allah! Allah!".
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Vercingetorix's dumb little drama show when he surrendered to Caesar was pretty funny.

Caesar just blew it off and hauled his naked ass back to Rome in chains. He then had Vercingetorix strangled to death in front of the Temple of Jupiter Optimus Maximus during his triumph. Ave Imperator!

Hadrian tearing down the Second Temple after the Jewish revolt and building a temple to Jupiter on its ruins was pretty sweet too.
 
Chinese wars are wack yo.
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The rhodesian bush war had some wack moments as well
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Or that time the Dutch sailed up the Thames and ass-fucked the royal navy, taking it's flagship.
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Or what happens when you give finns meth
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The elites of Third Reich were off their rockers.

There's also King Charles VI who went insane on the march after one of his soldiers dropped an lance and it landed on an comrades helmet. The result noise started him from his heat-induced delirium and he started attacking his own men. Managed to kill an semi-famous knight, according to Wikipedia. But since he's royalty, he was forcibly restrained and basically spent most of his life within his castle. Also though that he was made of glass, at one point.
 
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Any one of countless times some lazy sack of shit was literally sleeping during battle and lost.

redcoloured said:
Lt. Colonel Custer, best known for his appearance in the hit Atari H game, 'Custer's Revenge'. He underestimated some indians with a tech level 2000+ years more primative.
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The Sioux showed up with better guns than the Americans.
 
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1. Emu war. Not really a war, but demands an honorable mention. Instead of doing anything sane- like giving (or loaning) farmers simple rugged long range Lee-Enfields and paying bounties for feathers (or something similar)- in their iternal wisdom government decided to send 2 soldiers with a machine gun.
2. Japan in ww2 has many, many lolcow examples of lolcowish conduct. For starters Navy and Army had insane rivalry- both arm of service had their own subarms (Navy navy- Army navy, Army amy- Namy army etc.) and the assasinations of officers by the other branch were alomst a common place parctice.
Their "Kantai Kessen" strategy doctrine. It was a decisive battle doctrine, yes, and its not stupid on its own. But what whas stupid is the end goal in relation to reality. Japs wanted to attack Phillipines and draw out USA fleets in a responce move towards the islands. And on the way there japs would harrass USA fleets until, when they reach Phillipines, they will be tattered enough for the jap fleets to take on. They had many things geared towards it- "Long Lance" torpedoes, fleet submarines etc. Only USA has changed their doctrine right before the war- from what japs were expecting (a long march towards the Pihillipines) to what we know as "island hopping" today- a slow, methodical advance. Its funny on its own, but not really japs fault. But what they were planning on was to force USA to sign a peace treaty which would give japs dominance in the pacific west from Hawaii. How, oh how USA were supposed to accept conditional peace from japan after japan has conducted an unannounced devastating, humilliating and tragic mass sneak attack on Pearl Harbour- this is the real lolcowish part.
But for the me the pinnacle of it was the sinking of Yamato and the whole Yamato story- japanese kept it in reserve the whole war, hoping for the decisive battle which never came. The whole war the thing was just sitting in harbours while it could have done much help in several battles. And the final order in 1945 was was to plough straight through the USA lines and ground itself to be turned into a de-facto battery. Of course the Yamato group was immedietly spotted and immedietly attacked by swarms of USA bombers. The ship sank for the cost of something like 10 (?) airplanes downed. Thats insane and insanely funny.
 
The faggot who left a gate open in Constantinople's walls, allowing the Turks in.
 
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