Patrick Sean Tomlinson / @stealthygeek / "Torque Wheeler" / @RealAutomanic / Kempesh / Padawan v2.5 - "Conservative" sci-fi author with TDS, armed "drunk with anger management issues" and terminated parental rights, actual tough guy, obese, paid Quasi, paid thousands to be repeatedly unbanned from Twitter

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Important Gymrat Pat update:

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Can't wait for his next selfie.
does he post selfies anymore? last I saw him was that local news piece and I was shocked at how awful he looked. his drunk ass aging double speed with the stress of texting stalkers back.

edit- holy fucking lmao that arrow story is one of the stupiest short stories I've ever read. patty I am seriously loling irl at you right now. attaching plain text so mobile niggas can read it without download.
Unerring

By Patrick S. Tomlinson

Through gossamer green threads of magic, life flowed from my master’s fingertips and into my fletchings. I was born. Surrounded by my sleeping brothers inside the quiver, I was blind to the world outside. His spell-weaving complete, my master’s hand plucked me free and bathed me in light.

I arrived in a world awash with battle and blood. Splintered shields and tattered bodies littered the grove of apple trees where my master fought. Not far from his feet, a War Herald lay face down, pinned to the ground by a broken spear. A tilted crown with a sword passing through it adorned his banner. Its vibrant red and white were dulled by mud ground into it by many feet. My feathers shared the colors.

A taut, waxed string slipped into the crevice of my knock. I rested lightly atop my master’s gloved hand. To the left, I could see what remained of the line of archers; no more than a dozen were left standing. Even as I watched, another fell to a well-aimed spear.

“Ready!” my master commanded.

My attention turned forward. My shaft rubbed against the creaking wood of the bow as I was drawn back. Directly ahead, a marauder charged in, holding an immense battle-ax high above his red-painted head. Its honed edge, already soaked with the lifeblood of our comrades, glinted in the sun.

“Aim!”

My master’s hand did not waiver. He looked past the charging threat and fixed my tip on a figure standing behind a line of soldiers with tower shields, partially obscured by the weeping branches of a willow, perhaps a hundred arm-span distance from where he stood.

My feathers pressed against my master’s cheek as he aligned me with his intentions. The red-headed fanatic was close enough to smell, his ax in position to cleave my master. He ignored him, too focused on his target to be distracted.

“Loose!”

His fingers relaxed. My knock took the full weight of the string just as the fanatic’s ax swung in. My shaft bent and flexed painfully as the bow’s energy thrust me forward. My fletchings dragged against the side of the bow and I was flying freely through air that smelled of sweat and apple blossoms.

A blow mighty enough to fell a tree crashed into my master, silencing him before I had glanced his face. I didn’t even know his name. His mission was now mine, and the only hope of avenging his passing rested within the iron of my head. Still contorting from the force of my launch, I flew onward.

The other members of my volley soared ahead like a flock of razor-beaked birds, ready and eager to carry out orders of their own. We had been launched from the cover of the trees, but on the open field, scenes of carnage panned out beneath us.

Dead men, still clad in their shining armor, marked where our line had broken. Horses, cut down with swords or impaled by pikes, writhed while their crown and sword banners fluttered in the wind. The crimson tides of battle had not favored my master’s forces.

The lone willow tree marked the center of the field. We had to weave our way through its branches or risk loosing the force of our launch. I looked past the branches, focusing instead on the open spaces. I missed all but a single green shoot, slicing it clean through and tasting its bitter sap. One of my brothers chose the wrong path. With a loud Thunk, his metal-tipped head buried a finger deep into a branch as thick as a man’s thigh.

We emerged through the branches, still short of our target. A small man, stooped-over from the weight of time, drove a crystal-tipped staff into the ground. The crystal flashed, spawning a miniature cyclone. A tempest lashed towards our flock like a whip. Two of my brothers succumbed instantly, their shafts stripped of feathers.

The gale struck me and grabbed at my fletchings, trying to pluck me like a chicken. Whistling and howling, it mocked me as I strained to keep my line. But my master had been strong. He gifted me with cunning as well as determination. I slipped through the gusts, flexing and twisting instead of fighting against them.

When I emerged, my goal was within sight. Those of my volley who had survived zeroed in on our prize. One veered into the ground as a feather ripped loose.

For all our speed, we were not invisible. The guards closed ranks to protect their leader, raising and overlapping their shields into a solid wall of wood and leather. I knew from my brother lost in the willow branch that I could not hope to pierce it. From my position at the back of the flock, I watched as the others struggled to gain altitude in the few arm-spans left before they hit the shields.

Four failed to pull up in time and wasted themselves against the impenetrable wall. But in our first morsel of good fortune, one found a space through a carelessly held shield and struck the bearer solidly in his stomach. He doubled over in pain, dropping hi shield arm just enough for me to pass overtop.

With all of my might, I curled my feathers and flexed my shaft towards the sky. My head crossed over the lip of the shield, but in the last finger-span, one of my fletchings grated against the wood, tearing half of it free.

The sky and ground switched places over and over as I spun unbalanced through the air. I tried to right myself, but the force was too great. Still rolling violently, I searched desperately for my objective. I grew dizzy.

Less than an arm-span ahead, the last of my brothers still flew. I realized he would lead the way. I followed him in, hoping against all reason that I could still accomplish the task my slain master had assigned me.

Still spinning, and with my sight locked onto his knock, we pressed on. I could make out a silhouette ahead, cloaked in chainmail, sword in hand, poised to hack us into toothpicks.

My surviving brother fell under the shadow of the blade as it slashed downward, catching him mid-shaft. The force of the blow broke his spine and he folded in half. I wanted to cry out as his splintered remains splashed harmlessly against the rings of our target’s armor.

Even as I raged against the loss of my comrade, a door opened. So small was the chink, I almost missed it. As his arm came down, a thin band of flesh presented itself just below his jaw line.

Through the tumbling vertigo, I arched my keen tip towards the soft strip of pink. If I could get past the hammer-forged iron of the mail, my head would cut through the sweat-slicked skin like sheer parchment. I homed in, straining against my own fibers to complete the turn.

His arm arched back up, carrying the murderous edge of his sword up towards my shaft. The pink ribbon of his vulnerability narrowed, along with my one chance at fulfillment.

With my last reserves of strength, I willed myself towards his neck. His sword reached me, snapping the shaft just ahead of my fletchings like a twig.

But it was a beat too late.

My tip pierced his skin, and the rusty taste of blood washed over me. Momentum drove me deeper, through a bloodway and into his windpipe. By the time I stopped, my head had erupted back into the light.

I never learned the names of my master, nor his enemy. Never knew the reasons for their conflict. But those were not contemplations for a weapon. I had a singular purpose, and I had performed it. As my foe crashed heavily to the ground, and the life bestowed upon me returned to the ether, I felt only a profound sense of contentment.

Tomlinson / Unerring

edit 2- fuck I'm too lazy to work around my twitter ban but someone please make "Patrick S. Tomlinson's Arrow" and have it talk at him in this pretentious voice
 
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Now I usually believe in separating the author from the narrator... But can someone please tell me why does Pat write this shit like a fucking gay porno where he's getting vigorously buttfucked into oblivion and enjoying every second of it?
unnering 2.png

What a faggot Jesus Christ, Pat.
holy shit fat actually gets the command right for shooting arrows.
 
Okay, this book is in its third year of gestation and it's nowhere near being delivered and sold. It's not even at a rough draft stage. This is not a minimum viable product, much less a finished, saleable work. No real author would promise it as a deliverable and no real publisher would credit it.
Tolkien took more than a decade to write The Lord of the Rings, and would still be making corrections even after it was published. But Tolkien was delayed by World War 2, was not fighting trolls on Twitter, and actually cared about the work he was doing. The results of Tolkien's work was a literary classic that has been compared favorably with great authors like Dumas, Hemmingway, Twain, and Dickens. The result of Fatrick's work will be mockery on ONA Forums and Kiwi Farms.

Now I usually believe in separating the author from the narrator... But can someone please tell me why does Pat write this shit like a fucking gay porno where he's getting vigorously buttfucked into oblivion and enjoying every second of it?
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What a faggot Jesus Christ, Pat.

"My knock"

Wrong, child, it's "nock" (the notch in the arrow's butt end), not "knock" (vigorously banging on something). "Nock" and "knock" are homophones, meaning they sound alike but are spelled differently and mean different things.

But not only is this difference beyond his understanding, we all know there is only one kind of "homo" he's familiar with.
 
All I have to say is nobody should take the "advice" of a mentally ill morbidly obese faggot like Fat Rick Hamlinson about CPR. Please do not do this. People will die if you actually act on the "advice" of this vile evil weirdo.
Honestly the only advice you need is “Do the opposite of what Patrick says” and you would be good.

Why did he get chased off the OnA?
Because autism.
 
Remember that list site I mentioned? Someone added The Ark. Hi, Pat.

He also hasn’t put two and two together and worked out that going viral on Twitter, for positive or negative reasons, does not translate into fame and selling books.
Does he think he’s Milo Hippopotamus?

The only defense for the length of his Tiny Tim bullshit is the original Christmas Carol was itself a novella. But he should be much farther along in writing it.
 
Remember that list site I mentioned? Someone added The Ark. Hi, Pat.


Does he think he’s Milo Hippopotamus?

The only defense for the length of his Tiny Tim bullshit is the original Christmas Carol was itself a novella. But he should be much farther along in writing it.
Oh for fucks sake no one should read The Ark. It is boiler plate schlock. I know I gave him something like praise when I said his shitty first novel wasn’t anything offensively bad but that doesn’t mean it is worth reading. All I meant was you could pick any other shitty scifi novel and get the same level of quality. I mean fuck I read the Resident Evil novels and they were basically of equal quality. But they are still shit and that was Pat trying his hardest!
 
"My knock"

Wrong, child, it's "nock" (the notch in the arrow's butt end), not "knock" (vigorously banging on something). "Nock" and "knock" are homophones, meaning they sound alike but are spelled differently and mean different things.

But not only is this difference beyond his understanding, we all know there is only one kind of "homo" he's familiar with.
Wait for the nock.

The only defense for the length of his Tiny Tim bullshit is the original Christmas Carol was itself a novella. But he should be much farther along in writing it.
That just raises different questions though. One of the copies of the original on Amazon is only 64 pages long most of the popular copies seem to come with pages of other stuff, it seems to be only ~31,000 words long. So his brilliant idea is to write a longer story as a sequel to a shorter self-contained story that concluded and in this story kill the main character and make a side character the main character and also make it a murder mystery and add fight scenes and probably ghosts too? And do all of this in language that people didn't even use when writing for publication over a hundred years earlier? I can't even begin to comprehend why Fat, for all of his stupidity, thinks this is a book anyone else wants. And for the 180th anniversary of the original by some unverified?

The only thing this morbidly obese man needs to be writing for publication is some kind of Michael Scarn from The Office type self-insert of himself as a spy/sex god/President of the United States/car blogger/owner of Twitter/etc. battling the atalkers with a whole bunch of epic action scenes stolen from very popular movies and ending with Norm coming down from heaven and forgiving him.
 
>January through December
If that's creative writing, then so are the Excel spreadsheets I make for a living.

And the last sentence proves that Bitchtits thinks long-winded wordiness is cruise control for sounding smart. My hardass English teacher from 10th grade would flay me alive for that.
 
Hahahaha total trash. Clunky prose, horrible grammar, and any attempt at creating an atmosphere is interrupted by his mental masturbatory attempts to sound smart. None of that is surprising though. What is surprising is how mismatched the tone is to the idea of the book. Isn't it meant to be a quirky and fun re-imagination of classic characters? Why is it so bloated and boring?
 
I feel like Pat doesn't understand that writing is supposed to be to the point unless you're highlighting something or introducing a trait that's important. He's needlessly verbose and he sounds like a fag.

I had a few friends from Highschool who used to write fanfic stories and dump them quickly enough because they wanted practice, some of them actually have written a shitty romantic novel or two as a side hustle after their original short stories got some attention. They claim the fanfic helped them because of building confidence, helped them identify plot structure, or whatever. They generally were writing shit well into college and a few took writing classes before dropping out to have kids. Pat is writing fanfiction as his 3rd or 4th book and it's taken him what? 5 years? If you write professionally you are just going to spit out stories as quickly as you can. He has no responsibilities either.
 
I think my favorite was "swim to shore and find an egress"
Now I'm reminded of a comparable introduction to the Thames, from a contemporary author from that time period:
The Heart of Darkness said:
The Nellie, a cruising yawl, swung to her anchor without a flutter of the sails, and was at rest. The flood had made, the wind was nearly calm, and being bound down the river, the only thing for it was to come to and wait for the turn of the tide.

The sea-reach of the Thames stretched before us like the beginning of an interminable waterway. In the offing the sea and the sky were welded together without a joint, and in the luminous space the tanned sails of the barges drifting up with the tide seemed to stand still in red clusters of canvas sharply peaked, with gleams of varnished sprits. A haze rested on the low shores that ran out to sea in vanishing flatness. The air was dark above Gravesend, and farther back still seemed condensed into a mournful gloom, brooding motionless over the biggest, and the greatest, town on earth.

The Director of Companies was our captain and our host. We four affectionately watched his back as he stood in the bows looking to seaward. On the whole river there was nothing that looked half so nautical. He resembled a pilot, which to a seaman is trustworthiness personified. It was difficult to realize his work was not out there in the luminous estuary, but behind him, within the brooding gloom.

Between us there was, as I have already said somewhere, the bond of the sea. Besides holding our hearts together through long periods of separation, it had the effect of making us tolerant of each other’s yarns—and even convictions. The Lawyer—the best of old fellows—had, because of his many years and many virtues, the only cushion on deck, and was lying on the only rug. The Accountant had brought out already a box of dominoes, and was toying architecturally with the bones. Marlow sat cross-legged right aft, leaning against the mizzen-mast. He had sunken cheeks, a yellow complexion, a straight back, an ascetic aspect, and, with his arms dropped, the palms of hands outwards, resembled an idol. The director, satisfied the anchor had good hold, made his way aft and sat down amongst us. We exchanged a few words lazily. Afterwards there was silence on board the yacht. For some reason or other we did not begin that game of dominoes. We felt meditative, and fit for nothing but placid staring. The day was ending in a serenity of still and exquisite brilliance. The water shone pacifically; the sky, without a speck, was a benign immensity of unstained light; the very mist on the Essex marsh was like a gauzy and radiant fabric, hung from the wooded rises inland, and draping the low shores in diaphanous folds. Only the gloom to the west, brooding over the upper reaches, became more sombre every minute, as if angered by the approach of the sun.

And at last, in its curved and imperceptible fall, the sun sank low, and from glowing white changed to a dull red without rays and without heat, as if about to go out suddenly, stricken to death by the touch of that gloom brooding over a crowd of men.

Forthwith a change came over the waters, and the serenity became less brilliant but more profound. The old river in its broad reach rested unruffled at the decline of day, after ages of good service done to the race that peopled its banks, spread out in the tranquil dignity of a waterway leading to the uttermost ends of the earth. We looked at the venerable stream not in the vivid flush of a short day that comes and departs for ever, but in the august light of abiding memories. And indeed nothing is easier for a man who has, as the phrase goes, “followed the sea” with reverence and affection, than to evoke the great spirit of the past upon the lower reaches of the Thames. The tidal current runs to and fro in its unceasing service, crowded with memories of men and ships it had borne to the rest of home or to the battles of the sea. It had known and served all the men of whom the nation is proud, from Sir Francis Drake to Sir John Franklin, knights all, titled and untitled—the great knights-errant of the sea. It had borne all the ships whose names are like jewels flashing in the night of time, from the Golden Hind returning with her rotund flanks full of treasure, to be visited by the Queen’s Highness and thus pass out of the gigantic tale, to the Erebus and Terror, bound on other conquests—and that never returned. It had known the ships and the men. They had sailed from Deptford, from Greenwich, from Erith—the adventurers and the settlers; kings’ ships and the ships of men on ’Change; captains, admirals, the dark “interlopers” of the Eastern trade, and the commissioned “generals” of East India fleets. Hunters for gold or pursuers of fame, they all had gone out on that stream, bearing the sword, and often the torch, messengers of the might within the land, bearers of a spark from the sacred fire. What greatness had not floated on the ebb of that river into the mystery of an unknown earth!... The dreams of men, the seed of commonwealths, the germs of empires.

The sun set; the dusk fell on the stream, and lights began to appear along the shore. The Chapman light-house, a three-legged thing erect on a mud-flat, shone strongly. Lights of ships moved in the fairway—a great stir of lights going up and going down. And farther west on the upper reaches the place of the monstrous town was still marked ominously on the sky, a brooding gloom in sunshine, a lurid glare under the stars.
I'll leave it to the readers to compare and contrast.
 
Mild power level, but my grandmother worked as a professional editor for her entire life. She was insistent that whenever I write anything, I should follow George Orwell’s Six Rules for Writing as closely as possible:
  1. Never use a metaphor, simile, or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print.
  2. Never use a long word where a short one will do.
  3. If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.
  4. Never use the passive where you can use the active.
  5. Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word, or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent.
  6. Break any of these rules sooner than say anything outright barbarous.
It’s impressive that Hamlinson manages to regularly break every single one of these rules, yet still styles himself as a successful author. It’s no wonder his shit is unreadable.
 
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