Lolcows in Fiction (Books, TV, Movies, etc.)

@Darwin Watterson

The majority of the cast of Billy and Mandy are definitely textbook lolcows. Even Mandy isn't immune from it in some episodes (or scenes).

I love that show :lol:
Two things I forgot to mention about Irwin:
  1. He straight-up kills his older brother in an early episode. When they go to the Halls of Time, he and Billy find the room with everyone in the world's hourglasses of life. He finds his brother's hourglass and shakes it, causing him to fluctuate in age between a baby and an old man while he's at school. He tosses the hourglass aside and shatters it, which causes his brother to disappear (and he legitimately does die, 'cause he never shows up again after this).
  2. His dad's into necrophilia; Irwin is half mummy because his mom is a mummy. His dad's a normal human (though his dad is Dracula, who's black in this series, he's not a vampire himself).
 
Stan from the Eminem song of the same name is a horrorcow.
He obsesses over Eminem to the point of cutting himself 'cause Eminem mentioned it in his songs, getting a tattoo of Eminem's name across his chest, and saying that they should be together. He mentions that his girlfriend is jealous because he talks about Eminem 24/7. He writes letters to him, which of course go unanswered, 'cause Eminem was a huge celebrity at the time who obviously wouldn't have had the time to respond to every single piece of fan mail. Stan doesn't have the self-awareness to realize that and his letters become more and more unhinged.

He ends up killing himself and his pregnant girlfriend just because Eminem wasn't responding to his fan mail. He of course blames Eminem for his death even though it's his own batshit insanity that caused it, and isn't very smart overall. He doesn't realize that he won't be able to send his final message out until right before he reaches the bridge that he planned to drive off of.

At the end of the song, Eminem finally gets around to writing him back (after it's too late) and basically tells him to calm the fuck down and references a news story he saw about a guy who killed himself and his pregnant girlfriend. The song ends as Eminem realizes that Stan was the guy in the news story.

Also, this was apparently based on a real incident.
 
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Stan from the Eminem song of the same name is a horrorcow.
He obsesses over Eminem to the point of cutting himself 'cause Eminem mentioned it in his songs, getting a tattoo of Eminem's name across his chest, and saying that they should be together. He mentions that his girlfriend is jealous because he talks about Eminem 24/7. He writes letters to him, which of course go unanswered, 'cause Eminem was a huge celebrity at the time who obviously wouldn't have had the time to respond to every single piece of fan mail. Stan doesn't have the self-awareness to realize that and his letters become more and more unhinged.

He ends up killing himself and his pregnant girlfriend just because Eminem wasn't responding to his fan mail. He of course blames Eminem for his death even though it's his own batshit insanity that caused it, and isn't very smart overall. He doesn't realize that he won't be able to send his final message out until right before he reaches the bridge that he planned to drive off of.

At the end of the song, Eminem finally gets around to writing him back (after it's too late) and basically tells him to calm the fuck down and references a news story he saw about a guy who killed himself and his pregnant girlfriend. The song ends as Eminem realizes that Stan was the guy in the news story.

Also, this was apparently based on a real incident.
I've never been a rap/hip-hop fan, but I always thought that song was a masterful musical-horror story, much like The Velvet Underground's "The Gift."

And yes -- "Stan" is a good example of a fictional horrorcow.
 
Walsh Williams, a minor character in Winesburg, Ohio, is pretty much the 1890s equivilant of a MGTOW.
Walsh Williams, the telegraph operator of Winesburg, was the uglist thing in town. His girth was immense, his neck thin, his legs feeble. He was dirty. Everything about him was unclean. Even the whites of his eye looked soiled.
"I would like to see men a little begin to understand women. Thy are sent to prevent men from making the world worth while. It is a trick in nature. The sight of a woman sickens me. Why I don't kill every woman I see I don't know"
 
Earlier on, I called Light Yagami from Death Note a horrorcow, but a better example of a horrorcow from the same anime would be Teru Mikami.

Mikami is the fourth person to obtain the notebook and write names in it as Kira. He's a prosecutor with a childish "black and white" morality. As a kid, he'd protect other kids from bullies, leading the bullies to beat him up instead. He initially viewed everyone as morally inferior to himself except for his mother, but that changed when she tried to talk some sense into him and explain that his beliefs weren't really worth all the ass-kickings he was getting. That caused Mikami to think that his mother was evil and wish for her death. When she coincidentally does die, along with four bullies from Mikami's school, he is happy and believes it to be a divine miracle from God.

In the present day, Mikami still has that childish worldview. He seems to be self-centered and delusional, as he believed that he had something to do with the deaths caused by the other Kiras, even though he had no idea who they were or that the notebook existed. Light chooses him to act on his behalf when the cops get suspicious of him, and he becomes convinced that Light is God (Light actually does have a god complex, but Mikami didn't know that; he made the assumption all on his own).

His life is totally driven by a rigid routine, which he follows almost obsessively. He always keeps the exact same schedule, goes to the gym on the exact same days every week (not even skipping holidays), and always writes the exact same number of names in the notebook each day. Given this fact, and his simplistic way of thinking, it's pretty likely that he has a case of :autism:. In fact, him breaking from this routine in order to kill another follower of Light who got captured is what ends up causing all of Light's plans to unravel and him to get caught.
 
Checked, no one mentioned him, so I'd go with Temple Fugate, the original Clock King of Batman TAS.

He's a closet lolcow who became a horrorcow, and his descent requires an explanation of his debut episode.

He used to be a very successful lawyer who had an :autism: level obsession with being on time, and when he's involved in a case against him, the lawyer opposing him in the case (who holds nothing personal against him outside of his job) suggested Fugate chill for awhile before the trial because he was all keyed up and there was still a little time before the trial to unwind.

Fugate does this, and due to some unfortunate mishaps, is late for the trial, the court automatically declares against him for this, he gets ruined.

Fast forward to present day, that lawyer who gave Fugate the advice to relax becomes Gotham's mayor, and Fugate reappears to kidnap the guy and both make his life hell and eventually kill him, presumably for being the agent of his fall from grace.

He's a lolcow at this point because he's pursuing a stupid revenge scheme over crap the now mayor was not at fault for, or so it seems. Fugate then proceeds to get Batman involved in said scheme in an attempt to get rid of him as a potential threat, and the :stupid: in this is that Batman would not have known about him at all had Fugate not tried to get his attention.

To be fair to Fugate, despite his idiocy, he does manage to make Batman's life hell for most of the episode using his autistic devotion to time to escape Batman on a train due to perfect timing, puts Batman through several traps that Bats escapes only by sheer luck in some cases because Fugate really thought ahead, and is even able to fight Batman to a standstill because while he's a bad fighter, he watched footage of Batman to the point he knows the exact timing of Batman's punches.

Regardless, Batman manages to foil his scheme and defeat Fugate, and the man becomes a full on horrorcow when we discover the real reason for his deranged revenge scheme.

He wanted revenge not because he was financially ruined by that screwed up court day, but because the mayor MADE HIM LATE THAT DAY.

That's right, all the attempts to murder the mayor and make Batman's life forfeit at the same time was spurred by the butthurt of a sociopathic, time obsessed autist who took advice of his own volition that screwed him over because of circumstances no one could have foreseen, and he wanted to kill and hurt people because his autism backfired due to his own decision to accept the advice to screw around before the trial went awry and broke his perfect schedule.

He got a few more appearances since, but it's his debut episode where the batshit autism was on full display.
 
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The first main antagonist of the Dragon Ball franchise, Emperor Pilaf, is a lolcow. So are his two henchpeople, Shu and Mai. They're essentially the DB version of Team Rocket who show up often in the original series.

Pilaf wants the Dragon Balls so that he can use them to wish for world domination, and spends the majority of the original series trying to get them. He starts off as a somewhat legitimate threat because he has his palace equipped with death traps, but quickly turns into a joke once Goku transforms into his giant ape form and destroys the palace.

Pilaf and his lackeys spend the rest of the show using airships and other temporary bases, determined to get the Dragon Balls still. However, their already-low competence becomes nonexistent and they generally end up foiling their own plans with their idiocy while the heroes aren't even aware that they were being pursued.

Another, more minor cow from the original Dragon Ball was Ninja Murasaki.

Murasaki was a member of the Red Ribbon Army who was, as his name implies, a ninja. However, he wasn't a very good ninja. He talked a big game, but quickly resorted to desperate tactics after Goku actually managed to give him a challenge. He wasn't very good at doing ninja skills, and his fight with Goku was pretty much a complete farce. It was also implied that he was a creep who had his boss' sisters change into ninja outfits so that he could use his stealth to spy on them and take pictures while they were in their underwear. After being defeated (and making an ass of himself), Murasaki activated Android 8 and tried to have him kill Goku, but Android 8 wouldn't do it. Murasaki threatens to detonate the bomb inside the android, but Goku destroys the detonator and knocks him out.

He later came back in a filler episode of the anime and tried to steal Goku's Dragon Balls (with similarly farcical results) while they go to Android 8's creator's house in order to have the bomb removed. Murasaki steals a bag thinking it has the balls in it, but it just has Goku's lunch. Goku takes it back and uses a Kamehameha Wave to cause an avalanche and bury Murasaki in snow. Murasaki survives, and swears revenge, but Goku absentmindedly tosses Android 8's now-removed bomb onto his face. It detonates, and the fact that he never shows up again probably means that he died.
 
The main characters from Evan Dorkin's The Eltingville Club are basically proto-neckbeards.

Melvin the Mop Boy, prior to becoming the Toxic Avenger, would probably count as a lolcow, but he's still pretty likable.

We've mentioned the Simpsons several times, but I think Comic Book Guy, the definitive loser fanboy, deserves special mention.

Now that I think about it, Badrock from Rob Liefeld's Youngblood is sort of a superhero lolcow. He's powerful and famous, but has the mind and personality of a dim-witted teenager. Hell, he got his powers by accidentally drinking a mixture of chemicals concocted by his scientist father.
 
The ABC Family movie Cyberbully has a totally unintentional one in the form of the protagonist, Taylor Hillridge.

Throughout the movie, we're supposed to feel sorry for her because some people were being mean to her online, but her reactions are always so ridiculously over-the-top that it ends up pushing her into lolcow territory. The most famous example of this is the part where she tries to kill herself by overdosing, but is thwarted by a child-proof cap ("I CAN'T GET THE CAP OFF!"), but there are other instances too. She has crying fits all through the movie over catty online comments, but refuses to just delete her social media profiles (or block the people commenting). Keep in mind that all they do is post some mean comments. They don't even dox her or post private photos of her.

I think it'd be safe to assume that if Taylor really existed, we'd probably have a thread on her.
 
Kevin Smith's View Askewniverse has quite a few lolcows now that I think about it:

Jay, Randal (mostly in the Clerks cartoon), Steve-Dave & Walt, Brodie, Banky, any character played by Ethan Suplee, and especially Elias.
 
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