How you want a Lolcow’s saga to end vs how a Lolcow’s saga is most likely to end

[Seafarer]

Post your ideal scenario for the end of a Lolcow’s saga vs how their saga is most likely to end, I’ll start:

Subject: Ethan Ralph

How I want it to end: Ralph is drunkenly speeding down the streets of Mexico, He is alone in his car live-streaming while ranting about the ayy-lawgs. He ends up crashing his car into a black SUV, Ralph then takes the camera and points it at the black SUV saying “look at this dumb faggot, don’t he know I’m the fuckin Ralphamale and I own the road?” right as he finishes saying this, automatic gunfire erupts from the SUV.

Police arrive and declare Ralph DOA, due to pressure to arrest the killer of a U.S. citizen, Mexican officials actually do their job and arrest the perp, using the livestream as evidence. Turns out the perp was a cartel member who though Ralph was trying to kill him when he crashed his car into the SUV, the cartel member goes to prison and is dubbed “El Carnicero de Cerdos” by ayy-lawgs (who are now bored out of their minds).

How it is most likely to end: Ralph ends up OD’ing off-stream in the most anticlimactic way possible.

 

[Bundychu]

Subject: Christian Weston Chandler

How I want it to end: Chris is released from prison after being found not guilty, with a high-profile, televised court case like OJ's. Chris makes his grand return to 14BLC and uploads a video to YouTube renouncing his transgenderism -- he will now be known as Christian Christopher Ricardo again. The next few years are similar to the Classic Era, with Chris readjusting to life post-prison and, probably, post-Barb.

How it is most likely to end: the Dimensional Merge happens, and Christine rules over us as the CPU Goddess Blue Heart.

 

[Balthier]

Ethan Ralph

How I want it to end: he continues to stream to smaller and smaller numbers until there's only one person who watches for clipping purposes. May leaves him. He stays drunk/high and constantly hollers at nothing like a schizo. Lives in a crack shack and can barely afford internet. Has burnt every bridge and there's not a single human being that he has any positive relationship with. Resorts to sucking dick for cock. Diabetes takes a foot or two. Maybe he OD's on stream one day and rots into the chair like his daddy.

How I think it will end: seconding the notion that he'll OD off stream. Maybe drunk driving.

Anisa Jomha

How I want it to end: her/Ian's relevance fades almost completely. They divorce and Anisa starts to lose her mind and go completely off the rails. She goes for more extreme body mods, then has a breakdown over all the irreparable damage she's done to herself. Can't cope with aging and tries to keep up with young trends. Stops and restarts OnlyFans several times. Has her manic/BPD-ish ups and downs very publicly. Except for the divorce, that's basically what she does now except it'll get more extreme the older she gets. She'll just do that until she does because she needs internet validation.

That's also how I think it will end. She's the cow that won't stop giving.

 

[glue eater]

How I think it will end: seconding the notion that he'll OD off stream. Maybe drunk driving.

Third'ing this, benzodiazepines contribute to respiratory problems and he's already fucking fat and his lungs must be fighting for their life under that mass of blubber, and mixing uppers (coke) and downers (xan bars) lowers convulsive threshold and leads to seizures.

How would I want Ralph's arc to end? I don't want it to, I wish for it to continue for many a year. Not as likely as OD but still relatively likely is him hitting on the wrong underage Mexican woman and his chopped up remains are found in multiple trashbags all over Mexican countryside.

 

[Dr. Henry Armitage]

Subject: Christian Weston Chandler

How I want it to end: Chris is found guilty and is put someplace he is safe. he spends the rest of his days away from the internet and society playing with his toys in his make believe world.

How it is most likely to end: Chris is found not guilty because autism. He is released but not allowed to go to 14 branchland court. With little money and no ability to get a job Chris becomes homeless. He wanders around Ruckersville until he either freezes to death under a bridge, or gets stabbed by other vagrants.

Subject: Russell Greer

How I want it to end: Russ gets on Americas got talent and is laughed off the stage. His lolsuits get him labeled a vexatious litigant and is counter sued. To avoid paying up he lives in the tunnels under Las Vegas like the goblin he was always meant to be. Years later legends begin about a drooling cryptid that will reach out of the storm drains and offer you sewer treasures and songs in exchange for a date at olive garden.

How it is most likely to end: Russ keeps suing and wooing until he catches another stalking and or harassment charge and goes to big boy prison for a few years. He learns nothing from the experience and keeps trying to get famous women to sleep with him and make him famous until his abysmal diet of sugar cereal and sugar drinks kills him.

 

[PHILLIP BANKS]

In all seriousness, i might like lolcows but i want them to find redemption and fix themselves

 

[vomitusdeux]

Subject: Joshua Conner Moon

How I want it to end: Null creates a DDoS mirror. Anyone who DDoSes the site will be victim of their own attack instead. Every tranny commits 41% after cutting their own twitter connection for a few days. Kiwifarms is immune to trannies forever.

How it will end: Fat tranny orgy were Null is crushed by a 600 pound moby DICK

 

[POWER IN MISERY]

i still want nothing less for JustinRPG but for him to get his degree in animal biology and become some sort of pet dietitian

 

[ConsentAccidentVictimNo98]

Subject: Keffals

How I want it to end: Keffals ends up streaming with Ethan Ralph and they both discover that they were made for each other, the Ralphamale ends up leaving Meigh and gets together with Keffals and they both live happily ever after, living off of fast food.

How it is most likely to end: Upon noticing everything is ignoring them, and after a failed return to Porn they end up just 41% after threatening to detransition. The Kiwi Farms is blamed for this

 

[Pissmaster]

Subject: Jim Sterling

How I want it to end: Jim detransitions, realizes politics are a losing game for anyone not making money from them, loses weight, gets in shape, gets a nice job working somewhere in wrestling, finds someone who loves him, lives a happy life

How it is most likely to end: heart disease before his 50th birthday

 

[RussianParasite]

Subject: Lolcows I don’t like

I want them to have a few days where they are capable of introspection and fully grasp just how fucking retarded, degenerate, and embarrassing they are as a human being. I think most people on this site are capable of this and if we were to wake up and suddenly be people like Russel Greer, Patrick Tomlinson, or Ethan Ralph, we would seriously consider killing ourselves. Realizing fully who they themselves are is probably a fate worse than death but it seems like the most fit punishment for their behavior.

Subject: Lolcows I like (or at least don’t hate)

They also gain some ability to reflect on their lives and actions and use that to revamp their lives. Essentially, I would want them to “pull up”, as Null mentioned on his podcast not long ago about Nick Rekeita.

Real outcomes for both:

They continue doing what they do and make us laugh— never growing, learning, or adjusting their behavior at all.

 

[Super Shiro]

Subject: every single lolcow on the Kiwi Farms.

How I want it to end: KiwiFlare hits it big and becomes the most popular DDoS mitigation service across the globe and Null gets filthy rich off of crypto and silver. He buys a huge mansion in Los Angeles and houses a diverse group of lolcows from every board on the site. There are cameras and microphones set up in every room of the mansion, monitoring and live-streaming the daily activities of the cows 24 hours a day for the most ambitious reality television project in history.

How it's most likely to end: the lolcows just shit themselves and do nothing except debase themselves on the internet all day until they run out of welfare money and die.

 

[Johnny Salami]

Subject: Tim Pool

How I want it to end: Tim realizes he's become as separated from the normal people and has become just like the MSM he used to cry about. He makes up with Adam and brings him back. He hires a few more people that will go against him from time to time and to tard wrangle him. He cools it with the civil war talk and starts doing more on the ground journalism as that keeps him grounded. Timcast becomes a decent source for media aggregation as well as covering stories mostly missed. He finally settles down, has a kid, and gives up his manchild hobbies. He stops wearing the beanie.

How it's most likely to end: Tim brings back Lydia and she farts in his face live. He fires everyone at his compound who disagrees with him. He doubles down on his stupid takes. He keeps bleeding subscribers because he refuses to believe he's ever wrong. Not being able to get anymore high-profile guess he starts a new show with mundane Matt. His girlfriend leaves him as without money he really has nothing to offer. Rehires Rocco because he's an idiot

 

[Tism the Return II]

Subject: Chibi.

How I want it to end: Shot at a speedrunning event gone wrong while wearing his lowest effort KH cosplay. Chibi didn't notice the gunman because he was too busy thirstposting after fake e-prostitutes on Twitter.

Most likely ending: Busted for pedo-adjacent activities, never to be seen again.

GOLDEN magnet therapy worked ending: Chibi redeems himself, somehow cleansing the cringe that permeates his very soul and becomes a low profile work drone that can keep speedrunning but without all the baggage that comes from being Chibi and making passes at women his age. Chibi is quiet but content.

 

[Pitbull Victim]

Subject: Patrick Tomlinson

How I want it to end
Is arrested after he has a psychotic break, shaves his hair into a mohawk, and stalks a Republican congressman fulfilling his own prophecy of the stalker child going to prison. All of his prison mail is from trolls calling him fat, pretending to be his prison toilet, and sending pictures of a wookie to him - Fatrick of course responds to all of them.

How it is most likely to end
Vegetative state after fatly falling off his gay motorcycle.

 

[Aero the Alcoholic Bat]

Subjects: DESMOND IS AMAZING, Jazz Jennings.

How I want it to end:
Both boys find Jesus, realize how fucked up the whole thing is, escape from their parents, potentially sue their parents, and spend the rest of their lives fighting against the LGBTQP menace and writing about their life experiences and how to prevent medical pseudoscience and sexual degeneracy from destroying another generation.

How it will likely end:
Death by poor health.
Suicide.
Murdering their respective parents then cannibalizing them.
Murdering their respective parents then offing themselves.
In jail for raping their parents or other family members, like Chris Chan
Death by something drug related, either overdose or murder.

 

[Power Ranger Monster]

Subject:
...Aw hell, all of them attempt Killdozers.

 

[Plantation Barbie]

Subject Amberlynn:

How I would like it to end: She starts listening to the professional advice of her doctors and therapist and loses a significant amount of weight. Controls her constant need to binge eat and manages to live some resemblance of a healthy lifestyle.

How it will most likely end:
See LifeByJen, except instead of dying in a hospital in her 40s she'll be found dead in her home on top of a mountain of pillows and Torrid clothes partially eaten by her pets.

 

[Marcus Tullius Cicero]

Same as above.

Subject: Amberlynn Reid

How I would prefer it ended: I have little hope of her ever actually losing weight, so my ideal for her involves working on her personality more than anything else. She'll finally understand that she's been the problem all along, and that she'll have to be the one to get herself out of the pit she's made. She'll become a genuinely likeable and humble woman, rather than the falsehood that currently exists.

How it will likely end: She'll linger on for a number of years and possibly find yet another girlfriend to leech off of (assuming Wifey won't be her last). She'll wizen up in the meantime and attempt one final effort at losing weight. She'll see some success, but ultimately whatever she does (e.g, dieting, weight-loss surgery) will fail. She'll die suddenly of a heart attack in the middle of the night. She'll then be cremated and given to her family (as I seriously doubt Wifey would want anything to do with her, once she's gone).

 

[GamerGateSurvivor]

DSP

How I want it to end: He gets help for his WWE mobile addiction. From there, he uses the money he saves to go back to school and get himself a marketable degree where he can walk away from streaming and live a quiet life with his wife. Any attempts by his A-Logs to have him fired are stonewalled by a bitchy receptionist who takes no shit from them.

How it will likely end: He hang gliders until he’s streaming to three people who can’t interact with him because he has their accounts banned in his chat. His wife then gives him an ultimatum, either give up the mobile games or face divorce. He spends the rest of his days alone with his vidya but at least he continues to outlast his (more successful) competition.