I need to vent.
For over a decade, I struggled to understand the fascination of thousands of people with Chris-Chan. What's the point of following and documenting every step in the life of a mentally retarded individual? Well, I get it now.
For the last couple of months, I've been following the adventures of Fattrick and the EEWU (The Ever-Expanding Waistline Universe) as my main form of entertainment. Fattrick has a legitimate superpower: his unbelievable capacity to be humiliated in so many different ways. After I come back from work, I no longer have time to watch the latest goyslop on the streaming services; fatrick’s soup-opera antics are all I need: There’s no way the Man of Pig is still denying the debtor exam/Amortization; yes he just did; there's no way that Pajeeta randomly picked a Swedish redditor and doxed him accusing him of being a SWATer, yes she did, there's no way fatrick managed to be too unlikeable that he got a Twitter fight with a Hollywood actor and ended with him discovering his KF thread, but of course he did, child.
Fattrick is, without a doubt, the top lolcow of the farms right now. He is the dictionary definition of what a lolcow means. Let's be honest; many of the people referenced here aren’t funny or entertaining. Lucas Roberts is a sexual deviant who preys on vulnerable children and should be rotting in jail in any civilized society. Elliot dong long-gone got THIS close to altering the inner cogs of the entire internet to delete the last website that reminds him that he will never be a woman. Chris-Chan and other schizos are mentally challenged people who, decades ago, would be on straitjackets and locked in asylums until they died. There's nothing funny about those sad, pitiable individuals.
On the other hand, fattrick is “normal.” There are many fatricks in the Midwest enjoying a mundane life. So that begs the question: Why? Why did he choose to be this way? He could walk away at any time. But here comes the spoiler, fattrick is not entirely normal; he's heavily addicted. But not to Twitter or the internet, but to be famous.
At its core, the EEWU are human failures in their forties who are pathetically trying to make their teenage fantasies come true. Jackie still clings to the idea that she will become an l33t h4x0r and a cybersecurity expert. Shane Noakes is running a “real-life tough guy” schtick which got stale on internet forums 20 years ago. They are, unironically, CHILDS.
Fattrick dropped the writer angle years ago. All he wants is to become famous as this progressive hero who has been the victim of the largest campaign of internet harassment of all time (his words). He wants to be the new Sarkeesian/Zoe Quinn. For all the talk about the lolsuits and the debts, I can guarantee there is a larger, fatter annoyance that makes him lose sleep: Why has he become a thing yet? Sarkeesian and Quinn made it all the way to a freaking UN Panel, and they had to lie and exaggerate their story at every corner. Fattrick can legitimately claim a vast trove of harassment from the Pests over the years, which dwarfs other professional victims, so why hasn’t he become famous yet? Fattrick must be daydreaming every day about when NYT, WAPO, The Guardian and all legacy media will pick up his story. Finally, our man of pig will get the recognition he deserves. Finally, the entirety of the internet will come back to his defense, will tell him how strong and brave he has been the whole time and finally, on a 60 Minutes profile, our hero will allow himself to shred a single tear at the end for he knows he’s a survivor. He didn’t let the idiots win.
Newsflash, fatboy, it will never happen, and I’m positive he knows why: He’s A FUCKING WHITE MALE. On the ladder to become a professional victim, fattrick is at the very bottom, and he doesn’t help his case by being the most unlikeable guy in the universe. No one worth a damn will ever come to his defense; all he can get is the freak army of the EEWU. That’s what's really eating him alive. Fattrick must have strong doublethink skills to block the obvious answer of why other professional victims become celebrities within a week, while fatboy can only get 10 retweets about being swatted for the 156th time (which he might have arranged himself). There has to be a parallel universe in which fatrick snaps at the hypocrisy and becomes a redpill/MRA reactionary. But it won't be this one. He’s in too deep now.
Null can delay it, but I now foresee the fatboard becoming inevitable. Some people claim we have reached peak fattrick; to them, I must say, We haven’t begun to oink yet. Don’t you see that, as he keeps losing his sanity, and once Niki finally gives up and leaves this shitshow, the only logical conclusion is TransFat? Trannies are no longer required to make an effort to pass or stop dating women. Fattrick can't stop being white, cannot become ethnic, and his ego won't let him claim any neurodivergence, so his last trump card to beat the Pests is to take the troonpill and wait for reinforcements.
Wait for the knock.
PS: Holy shit, we got the board!
