Opinion When I Turned 40, I Realized I Had Emotionally Outgrown My Husband

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When I Turned 40, I Realized I Had Emotionally Outgrown My Husband​

I walked into the bedroom and found my husband watching television. It was Saturday afternoon and our children had games to get to. All of us were ready to get into the car.

"It’s time to go," I said.

"No one asked me what I wanted to do today," said my husband.

I was aggravated by his response.

"You decided what you were doing today," I said, "when you became a father."

He was annoyed but got up to leave with us.

I shocked him by having such a rapid no-nonsense response to his childishness.

Typically, I would simply plead with him to be rational or do the right thing.

But I was nearing my 40th birthday and I had lost my patience.​

Not long after, my husband began a weekly football escapade.

It was like being married to a frat boy.

He couldn't miss watching football with his friends and he had to get wasted. Let me frame this properly. I met my husband in college. There wasn’t much to do in Scranton, Pennsylvania besides drink.

My husband was drinking more than my college boyfriend. And they were the same guy.​

I was thinking how is this possible?

Around this time, my boys and I were in a car accident. The cars in front of me stopped and I stopped behind them. We lived in a rural area outside of Washington, D.C. with winding country roads.

I saw a car coming in my rearview mirror.

I had only one thought: All three of my boys were in the car with me.

The old man driving the car hit us and threw us into the oncoming lane. The side of my front bumper got caught in the car ahead of us. It was a double-impact accident.

I was so relieved the car seats had stayed secure.

I kept it together until the firemen arrived and I spotted a friend of my brother’s. It was like stimulus and response. My brother was a firefighter too. A familiar face allowed the tears to flow because I was so relieved my children were okay.

They urged me to go to the hospital but I refused.

They told me that the force with which we were hit mandated getting checked out. At the very least, they explained that since I braced for impact after seeing the car coming toward us, combined with the speed, meant I would have trouble moving in the days ahead.

I called my husband and he showed no concern for his family. He finished his workday like any other day and arrived home at his regular time.

The next day I could barely move.

It seemed the firefighters were correct. I got through as best I could but I was unable to carry our son upstairs. He was nearly a year and more than twenty pounds.

"I don’t think you can go away this weekend," I said.

"What do you mean?" said my husband.

He had an Arizona football weekend planned with his buddies.

"I’m afraid I can’t take care of our kids," I said. "I’m having a difficult time moving and as the day has gone on it’s getting more difficult. The firefighters tried to tell me this would happen because of the speed of impact but I didn’t believe it."

My husband eventually canceled his trip. But he was not happy.

You would think he would have been grateful his family was okay.

I walked past him in the garage the next day as he was sweeping. He was swiping that broom so furiously that it was hard not to notice his anger.

It was a full-on embarrassing and lacking self-respect adult tantrum.

"What’s wrong?" I said.

"I’m disappointed," he said. "I wanted to go away."

It was one of the first times I found my husband absolutely unattractive. It was gross seeing a grown man need to announce his mood to gain attention. Our children didn't even do that.

Things were piling up.

Emotionally my husband and I were no longer on a level playing field.

I wanted to shout, "Grow up! You are blessed your family is okay."

But all my husband could focus on was a missed boys' weekend.

At this point, I was emotionally outgrowing my husband.​

Was I conscious of this? Not entirely. I just felt annoyed and aggravated. I felt shocked and turned off. But I was still deeply engrained in our less-than-healthy relationship.

But I did remember something someone told me years before. It was floating in my memory. It was disappointing because I realized what my young self once discarded is actually coming true.

"You know," said my sister. "A lot of marriages end because one person emotionally outgrows the other."

I deposited this wisdom in the recesses of my mind.

I was in my twenties and newly married. I didn't think it applied to me.

I now realized it did apply to me. I was nearing the age of 40 before I completely digested this. Before I was forced to pluck it from my memory. In between, wanting to yell at my husband to, “Grow up!”

In truth, you could simply say I outgrew my husband. It’s not even necessary to say I emotionally outgrew him.

He wasn’t maturing at the same pace.​

There’s actually a bit of controversy about whether or not you can emotionally outgrow your spouse. As a relationship columnist, I’ve spent more than a decade in the counseling and research of love, relationships, marriage, and divorce.

Emotionally outgrowing your spouse is definitely recognized.

At the same time, there’s a mitigating factor.

Are you really outgrowing your spouse? Or are they simply who they were all along?​

And you have matured enough or evolved or grown enough to recognize this is who they always were. In other words, you haven’t necessarily outgrown them because you both aren’t evolving at the same emotional maturity.

One of you hasn’t been stunted while the other grew.

You are both who you always were — only you’ve matured enough to recognize you’ve outgrown your spouse.​

I’m not gonna lie, even as a relationship expert it’s a lot to take in.

I’d have to say I agree with the latter. My husband and I weren’t moving through life and marriage together with one of us suddenly stunting our growth.

We weren’t both suddenly becoming different people.

We were both who we had always been. I just recognized I married someone who wasn’t fully an adult.

He was childlike if he didn’t get his way. He hadn’t evolved into full maturity. It appeared he had because he was professionally successful but he didn’t take accountability for all aspects of his life.

My husband was never going to move forward with me.

We were 40 years old. It wasn’t my responsibility to tell him to be responsible.

Sadly, once I realized I had emotionally outgrown my husband I remained in our marriage for too long. It’s an unhealthy relationship phenomenon that the longer we stay in an unhealthy marriage the more difficult it is to get out.

We get worn down.

We make excuses and we nobly (supposedly) attempt to rescue our marriage.

I wish my twenty-something newlywed self had listened more intently the day my sister shared some undeniable wisdom.

 

[Fatboi Gus]

Kill yourself zoophile.

Speaking of death, what do you think will kill you first: boxed wine induced liver cirrhosis or acute toxoplasmosis?

 

[Jet Fuel Johnny]

How many other times have you heard or seen that happen in your life?

I have seen supervisors tell people they couldn't go to the ER to meet the ambulance carrying their kid or wife. I've seen a woman told she could wait until after her shift to ID her husband's body and pick up her kids at the hospital. Employers are horrifically shitty and will abuse the fuck out of people just to give the supervisor a dopamine hit for controlling someone else.

Employers can and do flat out threaten to fire people if they go running off because their family was injured because you owe the COMPANY your loyalty, not your family.

It happens a LOT.

 

[Netizennameless]

Sounds like a mid-life crisis. But then, what kind of father doesn't go to the hospital as soon as he hears about a car accident involving his whole family? She may be nuts, but he's nuttier.

One whose wife has a history of lying and exaggerating to get a reaction from her husband. Just one possible explanation.

She called her husband before she was released from the scene. Mine would have both insisted that I go to the ER, and been there to take care of the kids, immediately, no matter what my protestations. Because that's what married couples do.

I'm not sure I agree with this. I have known coworkers whose wives caused them to miss work on a regular basis, and those people end up fired. It's hard to tell in thos situation.

Something tells me this guy gave off plenty of red flags before the woman married him but she married him anyway because she didn't want to be alone.

Or she broke him. I see a lot of men start off as motivated, dutiful fathers. Then they are constantly undermined and overriden by mom, have no authority or respect in the house and eventually give up because there is less fighting in the house that way.

This really sounds like every typical suburban marriage to me, people get tired of eachother, they get tired of responsibility; 50 years ago the man's job was to earn that paycheck, keep the lights on pay down the mortgage and fix broken things around the house, the woman's role was to tend to the children. It took her 20 years to realize she was married to someone she didn't like? Or is she just cherry picking incidents over 20 years and justifying her divorce that way?

She is cheating on her husband and this is the excuse she is using to justify her behavior.

Man should have gotten six speeding tickets getting there.

I don't agree. He's clearly not a doctor, what help is he going to be? Yes, go to your family but also don't ruin your career over emotions.

Imagine women saying "well, it's his fault she cheated because the man is supposed to keep his partner interested in staying faithful".

I unironically believe that though. This woman sounds like an insufferable harpy, but as a husband it is his job to meet her needs for attention. He also promised "for better or worse, ... till death do you part."

It's clear to me that both parties in this relationship are unsuited for marriage. Neither of them seem to have the ability to think about more than themselves.

 

[Whoopsie Daisy]

Weird thread, Weird op, weird responses.

Relationships aren't for everyone, they're for the vast minority of people. It's against our human nature to settle down with one partner, regardless of what the bible, quran or Disney films tell you.

To think that you can marry someone in your 20s and go through all sorts of life events together, like having kids, and not only react in the same way, but develop and grow in the same direction at the same pace, is at best idealistic and at worst downright retarded.

The vast, vast majority of long-term relationships that don't work out involve children. Almost all miserable relationships where people stay together is because of the children.

Be honest with yourself and stay happy. If that happiness means being single and 4evalaone, then do it, rather than being miserable with someone.

 

[Doseferatu]

Also: LMAO at the people who claim that husbands need routine sex to give a shit about their kids.



"I need physical gratification to give a shit about my genetic legacy!" said no conqueror or warlord ever. The people who value sex over children are coomers and genetic dead-ends.

 

[Malodorous Merkin]

This woman never mentions their financial situation, and it's obvious why. She wants to be seen as equal to, or better than, her husband in every aspect of their marriage, but it's pretty obvious that being a writer of wine mom screeds like this wasn't even bringing in hobby job money.

She's a housefrau who pretends to have an actual career as an "independent journalist and author", but the reality of the situation is that she doesn't even make enough money to fill the tank of her minivan.

 

[God of Nothing]

Anyone who's a mature adult wouldn't be angry.

yet you're angry over him getting angry over a far more drastic and important incident
might be time to walk away from the keyboard

 

[Geddy Lee's Fee and See]

Weird thread, Weird op, weird responses.

Relationships aren't for everyone, they're for the vast minority of people. It's against our human nature to settle down with one partner, regardless of what the bible, quran or Disney films tell you.

To think that you can marry someone in your 20s and go through all sorts of life events together, like having kids, and not only react in the same way, but develop and grow in the same direction at the same pace, is at best idealistic and at worst downright retarded.

The vast, vast majority of long-term relationships that don't work out involve children. Almost all miserable relationships where people stay together is because of the children.

This honestly just sounds like a cope for being lazy and not putting effort into a relationship and not communicating, which is what most people end up doing and why most people end up in unhappy marriages or get divorced. That's why they break down, not because of evolution or whatever. If you don't maintain a machine over a long period of time it breaks down and stops working, It's not rocket science; if you can't do that, don't get into a relationship with the expectation it's going to be anything but a short-term fling and certainly don't get married and have kids.

Be honest with yourself and stay happy. If that happiness means being single and 4evalaone, then do it, rather than being miserable with someone.

.I do agree with the last part though: better to be happy and single than miserable with a person you can't communicate with, have nothing in common with and only stay with because of societal pressures rather than a genuine attraction to the person themselves. I also wish people understood this.

 

[Disgruntled Pupper]

Imagine getting this mad over some clickbait Internet article about (possibly fictitious) people you'll never meet.

My dude, your people are the ones calling for an amendment to the constitution to be repealed because a woman dared to divorce her husband that didn't even care about his own children after they'd been in a car accident.

I have seen supervisors tell people they couldn't go to the ER to meet the ambulance carrying their kid or wife. I've seen a woman told she could wait until after her shift to ID her husband's body and pick up her kids at the hospital. Employers are horrifically shitty and will abuse the fuck out of people just to give the supervisor a dopamine hit for controlling someone else.

Employers can and do flat out threaten to fire people if they go running off because their family was injured because you owe the COMPANY your loyalty, not your family.

It happens a LOT.

Was this when you were in the Air Force or whatever? Because that's a different beast, but no I don't think that's a common thing in regular everyday life. On top of this there's no evidence this happened. It's a fantasy.

 

[The Skeksis Emperor]

The guy is an immature pathetic loser for acting like that (and football weekends are super gay lmao). She is an immature pathetic loser for writing that article that the kids will surely one day read because internet. Only the kids deserve pity here.

 

[Matt Damon]

My dude, your people are the ones calling

lol
lmao

Apparently I answer for the opinions of all men everywhere now.

 

[Otterly]

No one asked me what I wanted to do today," said my husband.

The reaction to this should be ‘you ok? Let’s talk about it later?’ And then talk about it. Is he alright? Is life one helicopter parent activity after another? Is everyone getting time to chill out and some alone time? Is anything else wrong?
A see a lot of parents (almost always mums) dragging kids from one after school activity to another and I wonder when these kids get time to sit and be bored and think, or read a book, or just play. Life’s very busy as it is with kids and personally, I don’t think that constant planned activities are good for them or parents. I know there’s exceptions- a kid who is gifted at a specific sport or music may wish to practise daily, but it’s never that. It’s like people can’t just have empty time or they freak out.
Husband has clearly checked out. If I’d been in a car wreck amd was hurt I know mr. O would cancel any non essential plans and look after me (as we do for each other for illness or need.) but we talk and make sure each of us is getting time to do the things we want to (as long as it fits round life, neither of us is climbing Everest…)
I’d be very interested to hear what he feels about it all, because it’s obvious he’s unhappy and checked out. You think she’d see this and want to fix it, not just chuck him out. Now you’re forty with two kids, that’s not a catch.

 

[Whoopsie Daisy]

This honestly just sounds like a cope for being lazy and not putting effort into a relationship and not communicating, which is what most people end up doing and why most people end up in unhappy marriages or get divorced. That's why they break down, not because of evolution or whatever. If you don't maintain a machine over a long period of time it breaks down and stops working, It's not rocket science; if you can't do that, don't get into a relationship with the expectation it's going to be anything but a short-term fling and certainly don't get married and have kids.

I agree with what you're saying and we're discussing the same end point from different angles. Humans aren't designed to stay in a relationship, it isn't natural. To make it work we have to put effort into ourselves and our partners. While that has been difficult for decades and probably centuries, it's even harder now as no-one has staying power, the ability to be humble enough to admit failings and/or strong enough to accept feedback.

Most people believe that getting in relationship, having kids and getting married is just what people should do, without thinking about the bigger picture. They see that their parents did it and automatically assume they can do it without any effort. Funnily enough, that attitude is pervasive through-out modern-day western society, not just in regards to relationships but work, a career, a house and general living.

.I do agree with the last part though: better to be happy and single than miserable with a person you can't communicate with, have nothing in common with and only stay with because of societal pressures rather than a genuine attraction to the person themselves. I also wish people understood this.

Lately i've seen the term 'main character syndrome' thrown around a lot and I think it applies to relationships more than anywhere. Not every woman can be Cinderalla, some are the ugly step-sisters and not every man can be Prince Charming and finds his happily ever after.

TMI: I had two chances in my life to be happy with the one, I wasn't mature enough and threw both away. Now i'm sliding closer to 40 and understand and accept that the chances of me being in a long-term relationship are almost 0. I'm happier accepting that outcome, because of my own decisions, than lying to myself and trying to force something with anything with tits and a pulse.

More people need to accept reality and be happy, or live in fantasy and be
in a 41% relationship that ends in divorce.

 

[World Famous Quasi Payer]

How do you know she did that? Why would she do that when it's pretty obvious she was scared and upset by the incident?

The fact she downplays the accident in this very article. The fact she ignores the medical advice of the first responders.

How do you know he did ask those questions?

How do you know he didn't ask those questions?

You're making shit up to down play a pretty cut and dry case of a man being a piece of shit.

Says the person who ignores the writer's own words. Nothing cut and dry about this case other than the mother is a total bitch.

Even if she did this little fantasy of yours, to not go check on your small children yourself after they've been in a crash like that is such a level of callousness it's inexcusable. But you'll pull another trite excuse for this guy failing the most basic level of being a decent human being out of your ass.

"fantasy" - literally observing the woman's own stated actions. You are so quick to heave scorn upon the man when you don't know his side of the story. While at the same time down playing the woman's own stated actions. You are a sexist fool.

 

[Skeletonized Cow]

How many other times have you heard or seen that happen in your life?

I'm a literal labor activist in my free time, hearing these kinds of stories are daily occurrences for me. It's far more common than you'd think in the States because our work culture is toxic as hell.

Like, hello? What exactly do you do for a living that your employers aren't sacks of shit.

 

[Jet Fuel Johnny]

Was this when you were in the Air Force or whatever? Because that's a different beast, but no I don't think that's a common thing in regular everyday life. On top of this there's no evidence this happened. It's a fantasy.

Circuit City, WalMart, Food4Less, and two other jobs.

The military had my platoon leader (an officer) drive me to the hospital and then stay there with me while we waited for my wife to get out of surgery. Wanna hear something fucked up? The US military treats its troops better and gives them more time off and better benefits then civilian businesses do for their workers.

 

[Duke Nukem]

We have to extricate some of the things we think of as "marriage" from the word itself before throwing it all out.

Is there value to long-term pair bonding relationships, to raise children together but also as a stable form of meaning and happiness in life? Yes, of course.

Is there value to making a public declaration and celebration of cementing that bond with someone? Yes, there is.

Is there value to the legal construct that now accompanies this social bond and contract? In the West, increasingly, only to women. Because we lack the ability, collectively, to justify saying, "no," to the question of, "should we make things even better for women?"

Maybe it was worth something in some idealized and nostalgia ridden past that never actually existed but it's definitely not worth shit now. If you want sex, Tinder might work but if you want to raise a family with someone who won't cheat on you well good luck with that.

 

[whatever I feel like]

Don't stop there! What about these other hit articles by the same author!?

*breathe in*

These have to be joke articles by a collective of wine aunts. They just have to be.

 

[Mordecai "3 Finger" Brown]

Reading the article and the comments, I feel many overlooked that ER doctors operate on complaint/symptom-based heuristics.

So if you go to an ER and tell the triage nurse/ER doc "I was in a car accident and now my neck hurts", they have a heuristic for that and they'll start examining your neck.

But if you say "I was in a car accident, and I'm fine, but want to get checked out", they don't have a heuristic for that. ERs and doctors don't "make sure everything is fine" or do full body x-rays/CTs or prevent future soft tissue pain tomorrow.

They'll ask if you have pain anywhere, inquire about red flag symptoms and maybe do a concussion screen.

But if you are not there complaining about a specific, potentially serious bothersome symptom, they are going to turf you for wasting their time. Our systems aren't in place to reassure the worried well.

 

[Manul Otocolobus]

Whatever happened to stoically sticking it out in a loveless marriage until the spouse you despise kicks the bucket?

That's my mother's long game. I would say it's a poor game to play because everyone involved loses. She was particularly unhappy when I had him make an urgent appointment to see his doctor when I noticed the onset of a group of neurological issues over a week's time when I was visiting. Turns out he experienced what is considered an "atypical" stroke that demonstrated itself mostly as impairment of executive functioning, short term memory loss, and dysregulation of emotional control. He was immediately placed on the correct medication to prevent any more damage. If I hadn't done it he would likely have died within 6 months to two years. Many years later he is still alive. Personally, I find it fucking hilarious. I owed her one (my family has a very deranged dynamic.)

Prepare to became a cat lady, at condition then the cats want you.

The cats should absolutely get a vote in the matter. "We're sorry. ma'am. The cat chose to be put down rather than go home with you"