story about how I overcame my struggles with my dad, sexuality, and gender. for a mental health news letter.
I swear this is the hardest story I have ever had to write so far. Harder than all my fictional stories combined and that includes a 400 plus page book I wrote in ten nonconsecutive days over a month. Mainly because it is one of the truest stories I know. Second closest to me than one other. You see, last year I came out as transgender and pansexual to all of the peer group and it was a long journey to get to the point I could openly tell anyone I was transgender to anyone. This is the story that I will share here now.
As a kid, I was a very curious person. I was a big nerd slash geek. This came with a lot of hobbies. It really showed. My interests were very male-ish, to say the least. As a teenager, I watched Japanese cartoons meant for young males{a.k.a shonen anime}. I know what you are thinking. How do we get from this to me realizing as a young teenage me that I was a girl on the inside? Interestingly enough I would watch these shows and fantasize about dating the female characters in my head. That evolved over time though. The fantasies would go from dating these girls to being full-blown power fantasies about being them over time. It really didn’t hit me till so much later those girls portrayed qualities I had and wanted more of in my life.
Yes to all of you keeping score. My relationships with what we in the modern internet vernacular call waifus are why I knew I was a woman on the inside. In my youth, I was a strange egg. I didn’t mind playing with action figures or boy stuff. I really just wanted the ones I dreamt up in my head. A kind of ideal set of toys that didn’t exist in real life at all. Twilight Assassin Barbie and other ideal ones I came up with. I went from wanting to be a “girly tomboy” and a girly girl at the same time to wanting to be a full-blown kunoichi{a.k.a a female ninja} before half of my teenage years were spent.
I realized quite quickly though that my dad was really not going to be very supportive, to say the least, due to what he viewed as his religious ideals. My dad enforced gender norms despite not knowing what I was. He must have sensed something because of things I said or did. He gave possible hints that he did at times. I will never be sure now. His beliefs were of biblical origin. He believed that guys and girls had separate roles that god himself had made and that because of that it was designed structurally into the physical reality that men's legs were meant to be hairy and women's were not despite both growing hairs on them.
Like the kind of clothes you were supposed to wear were not just social norms that were malleable over time but in fact laws of nature itself and thus sacred. That sort of stuff never made sense to me. Namely because if things were designed in such a way society itself would not have to enforce them as rules. That gravity works like a law of science because no one gets to choose to ignore it.in fact, is a law of reality and whether what fashion choices, hairstyles, or family roles we chose are in fact not.
My dad made rules like letting me put my hair in a ponytail but not too high because that is what girls do. My dad was passively strict about his beliefs and anyone that lived under his roof would have to conform to them or be kicked out.
My mom on the other hand had hints over time. I know that she did. I dropped them occasionally. She has been the go-between me and my dad on this many times despite not truly knowing everything herself. She floated the possibility to him once that I liked both guys and girls to see how he would react for me
She even once, after my dad threatened to kick me out because I had started painting my nails for the second time, asked me. We accept your mental illness. why can't we accept this about you?. She didn’t understand. I told her I wanted to become a kunoichi and she asked why I couldn't be a male kunoichi.
Over time I stayed silent to myself about who I truly was but I knew. I wanted to e my true self and that ideal tried to claw its way out of me. This led to a constant internal struggle. A battle that constantly raged inside of me between the being who I knew I was and receiving survival basic needs like shelter and food.
My dad's rules. Over time, put me in an interesting position. Be my truest self. The self I knew was on the inside or be homeless and possibly died due to starvation shortly after. It was what I had to do to keep the piece. Hide all of myself so that I may live to tell the tale and become who I truly knew that I was one day. It was hard. I struggled because my dad, despite being a good person, was not really understanding in this area and it showed in his lack of even wanting to understand.
We even, near the end fought due to this and a major difference in our political beliefs. The thing is though, but last year.in July 2021 he passed away and the major curse that was the rules he had made disappeared with him. I shortly told my mom of my plans and despite me not knowing if she truly understands yet. She has accepted me for who I am and probably always was going to from what I can tell. She is a good person after all. Plus she loves me because I am her only child.
Now that I have gotten through this time in my life I plan to actually go through all the medical procedures I need to become the person I know I am but physically instead of just mentally. Be on the outside like I am in my mind. To figure it out and go through with whatever it takes. It may take time but with patience and persistence I know I Will win in the end. I will legally change my last name to Ferwins after that because after all this struggle. I have won a victory. That and the name has a built-in mortal kombat reference. Which is cool as heck.
As far as why I know I am pansexual. It is a two-part story. A long time ago. In my teens. I was walking around the area of what used to be the mall food court with my mom and dad. There was a couple walking in front of us. I was interested in the girl. I stared at her for a bit then I drifted off with a thought that I snapped out of and started looking again. I realized soon after since the couple was wearing similar pants that I was fawning over the man and not the woman.
So many years later. When I was an adult. After fully knowing, I like both guys and girls. I was watching the Glenn Beck show. He asked what the heck a pansexual was and that question got me curious. So I looked it up. I realized I like the person no matter what sex or gender they are. Personality and all. Also, note that this is not a requirement but being attractive is a good thing as well.
If you are reading this and are in the closet about anything I want you to know. Whether it be your sexuality, gender identity, or who you are on the inside. you are stronger than you think. That despite hiding who you are. That one day. The time will be right to come out of the closet and show who you are to the world. There is hope. Even if you have to wait or seek a heck of a long time to find it. You will one day and you will be freed from your mental bondage thusly.