Do I want to transition?
Like some people here, I’m looking for guidance, some answers, but not the answer.
The title says it’s all, I’ve been thinking ‘Do I want to transition MTF?’.
I am 32yo and there are a few things that have happened throughout my life that I think inform where I’m at right now.
The first being I’ve always been drawn to girls. Since I was in nursery through to school, secondary, collage and uni, I always had girlfriends, as in the ‘romantic’ type of girlfriend. As I got older, college onwards I realised I actually get on with girls way better. In my adult life I’ve realised I actually feel quite uncomfortable when I’m with a group of men. Men in the pub with beards being men. I’d be much much more at ease and able to be myself around women. I look at women now aroused by admiration.
I love women’s fashion, women’s clothes are so much cooler, there’s so much more fun and choice. I don’t hate men’s clothing but it is so boring. I see women and girls and just think ‘she’s so beautiful! It would be awesome to look like her!’ And each to their own, but i personally do not find men attractive. I don’t think we’re a good looking species, I actually find typically masculine men quite annoying. I don’t associate with them. But I totally get people do like them so don’t want to upset anyone with that opinion/feeling.
The second was in secondary school. I had a fling during summer with a boy. He was the school bully and used to bully me (a little, nothing major, I think it was to keep things looking normal and debunk any suspicions.) But he would perform oral on me, I never went down on him, he’d want me to and ask but I never did it, and he never forced me (I respect that thinking back to it.) but we’d kiss a lot and I’d jerk him off. His dick was big and warm and I liked that feeling, I liked being kissed on my body and when I think back to it, I feel like he was the dominant and I was the submissive. If we’re going to assign typical genders to this situation, I was the female. I still think about the situation and it going further when I masterbate to this day. - this led me onto to being doing things like going down on myself or self facial at home, which I still do too. (Not going down on myself, I’ve become less flexible.)
This third one is the complicated part which is where most of my doubt is coming from. Porn. I’m aware of how complicated this topic can be. I’ve watched a lot of porn in my life since primary school. I’ve gone through a lot of it but in the last (4/5 years???) stuck mostly to trans porn, in the last two years, this has led me to sissy, femboys, feminisation porn. I feel like my points above are feeding directly into it. Ive crossdressed, worn panties and make up and felt sexy. I like that. I’m aware of Autogynephilia which I definitely have felt a connection with. I like the idea of having soft skin and moving like a girl. I like the idea of having breasts and of course wearing girls clothing and wearing make and just looking and feeling like an awesome girl.
One last point is something I’ve learned recently. With take estrogen, one of the side effects can be feeling more emotional. As a person I’m emotionally available. I’m very emotionally mature and open. However for a long time I feel like i properly feel. I find it hard to get excited by things or feel true joy or act with outward happiness. However I see more women do do that, and that excites me. The prospect of this mind window being opened. I’ve also heard of a dumbing of labido, which again, I like the idea of. Me and my partner (of ten years) rarely have sex and I masterbate almost everyday. I’ve told her about watching transporn a few years ago, she knows I have a couple pairs of panties, she helped me pick one pair, we’ve talked about pegging but never done it, I did buy a small anal vibrator, but she’s not very sexual, and I am.
I’m worried that actually I’m just fetishising the thought of transitioning because of where I am with my (probable porn addiction). Which I know is damaging to the community. It’s on my mind a lot. Would it be a good idea to talk to a psychiatrist? - are there gender specialists psychiatrists?
It feels really good to right this all down and seek help. I’m sincerely sorry if I am fetishising transitioning and causing offence. Honesty is the best possible and this is the first step I’m taking to improving my life. Wether that is identifying that I am trans, or identifying that I have a porn addiction.
Thank you in advance.
