I've been pretty conflicted recently on whether or not I want to begin /officially/ pursuing bottom surgery yet or not.
I had written phalloplasty off for a while; my knowledge of the surgery and what it was capable of was both limited and misleading, so I had held the "maybe I'll wait a decade or so and see if the techniques have improved" sentiment. Meta seemed preferable but ultimately not in line with what my main priorities in getting bottom surgery would be (the ability to penetrate is very important to me). However, upon taking the time to read up about it and consulting this subreddit, I know that if I were to go all the way through with phallo, future me would thank me a million times over for having the confidence to take that leap and endure the subsequent pain and difficulty recovery would inevitably bring; those feelings are temporary, a dick (and furthermore, body) I can truly be proud of and call my own is forever.
One of the main things keeping me from going ahead and looking into scheduling my first consult (likely with Dr. Chen) is the fact that I had a blood flow complication with my top surgery that interfered with the healing to the extent that my surgeon, Dr. Mosser, said he could count on one hand how many other times he had it happen (a tiny percentage given how many people he's operated on). I know they're completely different procedures, but combining my unluckiness with that surgery's healing process (despite following Mosser's healing protocol to the best of my ability) with the much higher general complication rate of phallo really gives me doubts. Additionally, bottom surgery of any kind has higher stakes: sexual and urinary function are on the line, and you have a donor site's healing to consider as well. Important to note, however, is that I love my top surgery results and my chest now; even when I was in the midst of pretty severe wound opening and improper scar healing I didn't mind it at all since I knew it would just be a bit of a bump in the road, so I'm at least confident that even with some more minor/procedure typical phallo complications (fistulas, light wound opening, etc.) I'd still be glad I went through with it at the end of the day.
It's just intimidating considering everything that could go wrong. Although I know the things that I most heavily want to result from phallo (ability to feel erotic sensation, at least via the buried tdick & ability to penetrate) are near guarantees, having already had an apparently incredibly rare healing complication with a much less complicated surgery might be too overwhelming of a reminder that I could always end up a part of, say, the less than 5% (I don't actually know the percentage, this is for the sake of a hypothetical) of patients who don't retain the ability to orgasm, for example.
Does anyone have advice on if there's anything else I should consider when grappling with doubt? Perhaps some mental framing techniques? Anything is appreciated, and both pre- and post- op are more than welcome to share
