My journey post-op regarding dysphoria and euphoria’s been a bit bumpy and this has been on my mind for a longggg time now.
I have a very high sex drive and I often find myself thinking if I should’ve gone for meta or no bottom surgery at all, most often when participating in things such as watching porn/masturbating or thinking about dating and having a dating profile; including regret and lots of questioning, making me feel botched, and asking myself if I really should’ve done this.
While I’m only post stage 1, still swollen, and have stage 2 in 3 months (super looking forward to it), I just feel… weird. That people would find me more appealing if I had either my natal genitals or meta, both of which are “natural”, and not a tube of flesh - it’s squishy, its floppy, it’s not the right colour, and so on. Which is funny, since usually people are not attracted to natal genitals on a trans person, not the other way around. The problem being that it’s “fake”, that it’s “just skin”, and not seeing how or why anyone would want to have a piece of flesh like this inside of them or near them, versus my natal genitals, which are “normal”.
In the end, I’m doing this for myself, and it’s way beyond sex, that probably being only a small part of it really, but I am struggling with having a high sex drive due to T, so of course being in-between bottom surgeries really has an impact on it.
I think it is normal to feel this way, since I currently don’t even use it aside from the fact that it gives me a bulge, and it’s stage 2 where things really happen, but I wanted to share my thoughts as I’ve been to afraid to share them with friends.
Even just seeing the bulge and having something there makes my dysphoria go down and makes me very euphoric, and, well, I just need to wait. And even just thinking about having my natal genitals, even if I got a hysto, makes me feel incredibly dysphoric, as would having meta versus phallo. I don’t regret getting phallo and I’ll be very happy once it’s all done, but I’m just struggling at times right now.
Plus, I wouldn’t say that to someone who lost their penis and had to get phallo due to an accident, would I?
I have a few steps ahead of me - stage 2 now of course, an ED, medical tattooing, and imagining myself post all that makes me very euphoric. It all just takes time, and that sucks.
(Positive comments are actually very appreciated)