--Begin Part 2: “The Racism Bit™”--
Beginning Timecode: 23:51
I don’t know if you guys are familiar with 13- let me just do thi- no no no, let’s pretend there’s at least four black people are here, and not make fun of like, how little people are actually here.
No we’re gonna do this, there’s at least 4 black people here, and so it’s like, it’s great cuz you can say, look. I’m glad to be here with at least a couple black people are responsible for 50% of the
“Crime!”
Oh my god this is that moment that you realized you fucked up. Because this is your racism check. Don't cash it.
“I liked it”
Unless it’s at a TCF Bank where all the blacks go.
*Various groans*
If you're not black you don't understand that joke. But if you're black or worked in banking, you literally do.
TCF, that's where they don't ask any questions.
Where’s your check going?
Literally drugs, cuz it ain’t goin to child support.
TN: Riley’s clip starts here
“What the fuck?” “I was WAY less racist than you” (I believe that’s the emcee’s voice)
Yes, but it’s not me, this is your racism that I’m imposing on you.
“Oh, I understand. You’re Cerebral!” (emcee)
“Ballsy, maybe!”
“I wanna watch his show” (emcee)
TCF is the only place where black people have shown up less to pay their debts than their own families.
“Why???” (emcee)
Will you let me finish my racist joke? It’s really like I’m trying to hide my own racism by blaming you people.
“Shut up I’m trying to hear this” (Black guy)
Oh my god, it’s like a fucking uhhh, it’s like a fucking Rosetta Stone of how to st white in here. Blanca. Blanco. Blanc. White, hWhite, Wigger. Oh shit that was a hard R, sorry Riley! I didn’t mean to step on your people! Please produce another rap video!
Like I’m not done cringing, if I just cringe harder then I can die in peace!
No, zzzt, if you, refresher *dup dub dub dub dub* that’s a rewind for people who can’t do sound effects.
The joke was, I wrote this joke. This is how you know it’s bad, because I, like, wrote it. In my head, I don't write things down because that's actually my disability is writing. With my hand, it doesn't work, it shakes too much from the liquor.
But that being said, like I’m not Michael J. Fox. He has way more money than I do.
But no, it was uhhh, it was despite representing 13% of the population, blacks are responsible for… and I’m not supposed to say blacks. They're responsible for 50% of the… and you guys were like “crime!” It's like Jesus Christ. That's one way be racist. But there's others.
Like you to be white woman racist, and be like penis size!
“50% of the jokes!”
50% of the jokes?
“Yeah!”
Wait black people are 50% of the jokes?
*Kayla Returns to seat* Timecode: 27:17
Have you not ever watched standup comedy? They’re worth way more than that.
“Alright 77” *crowd chuckles weakly*
Jesus Christ. This guy, he’s out here short selling blacks on comedy. Sir I’d like to introduce you to Dave Chappelle. Can you name one white standup artist?
“Bill Burr”
You shut your mouth.
Wait who? What’d you say?
“That guy!”
You were supposed to say Nick Rekieta you fuck! Why did I pay you thousands of - goddamn it. Anyway!
“You should have paid more!
So the penis size joke is a thing, I don’t know if you guys know that. Black people have big penises.
Several random audience members all thought to say “Ohhhhhh” in unison, it was the funniest moment in the show thus far.
“You only gave me three inches”
That’s not it. That’s not it. If you’re the FAA you’re like: well 50% of the helicopter crashes in LA…
*Crowd groans*
Oh that was bad? That one’s bad? Thank you Kobe Bryant for your Number 1 Dunk. You name a more famous dunk that Kobe Bryant did than the fucking plummet into the ground. Name one!
“The white girl’s asshole!”
You’re like, Kobe Bryant? I don’t watch that sport because it’s for the cotton pickers.
“Woah”
“Jesus Christ”
And I don’t pay attention to cotton when it’s picked, I pay attention to when it’s woven into a textile by a jewish child.
There are others, I dunno, should I say like, there’s other rac- you’re all rac-my whole joke was that you’re actually racist, you guys, not me.
“Then do it already”
I did! I am literally black! Jesus Christ, that’s why my dick is dragging on the ground right now and yours is in your mouth!
Maybe we should, we should pick on somebody better equipped to handle, like cuz black people, like they’ve been, they’ve had it rough, kinda.
*monkey noise(?)*
Sometimes.
*Not in comics*
If you consider the 1800s like a time, I guess, I dunno. Ah what, like, you, they’re in a field, or whatever? Some people like the outdoors. Try working in a cubicle you asshole.
They think it’s like, terrible, right? They’re like oh god, I ‘m out here swinging my thing. It’s like, you’re outside, you’re singing your gospel songs, like *sing-songy* “Oh my lord.”
Like, I’ve watched “Glory”, I’m not racist. Denzel Washington said “Massa” he said it really well. So like I believed him.
But like, they’re out there in the field, they’re enjoying the outside. It’s like yeah, work in a cubicle, for a bank, for JEWS.
Wait am I allowed to make fun of Jews? I dunno.
“Yes”
Oh, I am?
“Jesus”
Wait, is there a Jew who said that?
“Very quick”
Because like I don’t know any more.
Frankly you guys I expected this set to bomb, like a Hamas hospital.
*Laughs and groans*
“Fuckin jews…” rest of sentence isn’t picked up.
TN: I think he’s saying “Fuckin Jews might get away with it” or something close to that but I’m not 100% positive.
Because the Jews blew it up. Or maybe it was Hamas, I don’t even know anymore. It’s weird like you can’t trust the news… oh back to Jews. Holy shit, like I didn’t wanna get off topic here.
Have you guys heard the Holocaust is fake? Can we say that?
“Uh no”
Can we say that in here? Is that a real thing? Or a fake thing? I don’t know what’s allowed in this…
*audience members shushing*
“Honestly I tapped out at the cotton thing, you’re good to go.” (emcee)
So apparently, let me tell you about the Holocaust. Have you heard the deep with the wooden doors? Like. Y'all aren't in the right circles on 4chan apparently.
“But Nick why would there be soccer fields… If they, nevermind go ahead.”
No it’s fine, if you guys don’t know, there’s this weird
“Despite the evidence…”
Despite being 13 of the
“Read the room! Just read the room!”
At least half of em…
No the uhhh, the thing, I don’t know if you guys have seen- there’s people who deny the holocaust. And they’re like, well… and it’s a moving goalpost.
They’re like, “well, like, it wasn’t… it didn’t happen”
Well it kinda happened, like there’s a war or whatever. I mean I don’t think all of those people were in on it. But maybe?
And there’s like some boats… stuff at the bottom of the ocean? And like some camps? The summer camp was ended early, the counselors were kinda dicks. But they always are so it’s not a surprise the camp counselors suck! You guys aren’t at a summer camp…
I went to summer camp at Catholic camps, I dunno about you guys. Not like that, don’t you dare, don’t you dare. My mouth is pure. And my butthole I think.
“You chased people away over summer camps”
We had ketamine Thursdays, leave me alone. I don’t remember what happened.
No so, but like, look, there’s a bunch of evidence that the whole holocaust thing, I guess… er whatever. But uh, people are like, so then when you point that out and you’re like there was a war, with some people, and there was some guns and stuff.
And they’re like oh I guess, but like it wasn’t 6 million of ‘em.
I’m like, well no obviously it wasn’t 6 million of ‘em, why would you think that?
Because that’s the number.
They’re Jews.
*Female snort behind camera*
What do you mean? They just counted them with interest.
*Lots of laughing and groaning*
WHAT?
“Wait wait what was the interest rate?”
*a person in the bottom right corner begins doing the “We are not Worthy” bowing to Rekieta for the punchline to this master joke for a few seconds.*
And it was usury so it’s really high! Thank you, I was like oh god I hope someone bails me out of this -inaudible-. I hope someone else is a little bit more Jewish racist than I am.
“-inaudible-, it’s only one hand!”
That whole thing’s weird to me, they’re like it was 6 million, it was like 4 million,
*Camera bumped, short kerfuffle ensues*
Well, I don’t know if it matters anymore. It definitely does! They own CNN dude, it doesn’t matter they won, They won WW2 way harder than you guys did!
Well how? A whole lotta people died.
They got a fucking country. Like England came and they’re like, yeah uhh, United Nations… nobody wants these guys. So we gotta give ‘em a place.
Where’s the only place people want less Jews?
Palestinians.
That was a fast answer, Are you sure?
Yeahh, just ask Jordan and Egypt, they are not welcome.
So wait, like, they’re cast out of there, they’re in this middle ground?
Yeah, who knew it was god’s chosen country because nobody else wants to be there.
Well it’s gotta have some good features right?
Yeah sand. Sand and bombs. And a little bit of terrorism, there’s a wall though that you can cry at.
Well that doesn’t sound fun
And if you do cry, like, you’re sitting there at the Wailing Wall and you’re crying and you’re praying or whatever, someone might throw a brick and kill you. Who wants to go on a tour of Israel with me? I know all the best spots.
But it’s like yeah! Like, they obviously won WW2 because they got a whole fucking country that they didn’t have. They were like (((Jew voice))) “Finally, a place where we probably won’t throw ourselves out. As long as they pay the interest.”
And uhh, and so they got that and then they got the best marketing team. Black people are like, holy shit we had slavery, this went back to the 1800s. They literally, like, grabbed us from our homelands and brought us here. They forced us into all this stuff. They put us onto boats, threw some of us off, they knew we couldn’t swim. They knew that shit was real right, we sink right to the fucking bottom they still threw us off the damn boat. And it’s like, well, they were only harming themselves and their bank accounts. But listen they did that and they like brought black people here and they like made them do all this stuff and they enforced breeding to make them into giant like muscular monsters… Wait
I’ll stop this one
But they did that and I don’t know wh- like that is the weirdest thing to me. Like if I’m southern plantationer, right, like I’m just going “how do I make these guys less -inaudible- because, I dunno they keep busting into my house over and over again. My wife keeps blaming them and I keep having to shoot them. It’s weird.”
But it’s like, I would make them less, but no they didn’t, they bred, they, nevermind that didn’t happen. Anyway like black people had it rough, that’s all I’m trying to say. Jesus, you guys are terrible.
And uhh, they did that and then like, the jews come along and they’re like (((Jew voice))) “Well we had this thing. It was bad”
Well like, lots of black people like got displaced and murdered, and sold. Families are split up.
(((Jew voice)))“Yeah, this guy named hitler he did this weird stuff.”
Wow, you can have a country and also the best marketing ever, introduce you to the ADL and the Southern Poverty Law Center. which, I don’t know what southern poverty law has to do with Judaism but, uh, other than putting them all into debt. like I know that, I know that.
What is wrong? This is not even racist! It’s literally true!
“Mister Vineyard (?) continue”
“You see this?”
Look, every trailer retrofitted in Arkansas has wooden doors, it’s weird. A gap at the bottom, very interesting showers to accommodate 4 or 5 people. No it's, it’s just…
“How is Lila supposed to follow this”
“Don’t worry I will”
Lila’s built different
OH MY GOD
“She’s actually funny right?”
No no no no no that was a metaphor, which this is a majority white crowd I assume you’d know. Because you went to school and took english. Metaphor…
*man hitting table in laughter offscreen*
Explaining jokes is the best joke. No cuz like other people, they’re like metaphor? What do I need it for?
I don’t know. I don’t even understand your dialect, please just walk away. ^mumbling^
Anyway back to this though, like it's a metaphor, like I’m not here to make fun of Lila’s stature, that’d be terrible.
“Yeah but what if she was black?”
She’d be taller.
*sound effects offscreen*
The vaudeville thing? That’s everything I say.
No it’s like, she’s built different though, cuz like, we were all like, we all watched the towers fall on 9/11 we were all like “omg I didn’t know arabs could fly planes. I didn’t know they could spell planes.” like did the plane have a burka? I dunno, I dunno, are planes male or female? Very male, no, right the Twin Towers should’ve been wearing the burka. Because they penetrated the shit out of those two. They went right in, there was no hesitation at all. Been like *arab voice* “you like this dirty bitch”.
Pausing timecode: 39:00
--End Part 2, “The Racism Bit™”--
TL: yes the 9/11 jokes just come in completely out of nowhere. 7 more minutes, onto the final stretch. Stay tuned for Part 3: “Nosedive-Bombing”
omedy battle"
