I'm sorry about all the shit everyone's going through.
I can completely relate to the feeling of not measuring up to family. I had a talk with my mom recently where I tried to be honest about all the shit they put me through but she always does this false equivalence of trying to compare shit or downplay the evil, sociopathic behavior of everyone. I really tried to have a heart-to-heart with her but it just didn't work out, as it never does.
I think that's the single hardest part of life for me. I think I could deal with Clown World, not being in a perfect place, or the regrets of the past if I could just have a family to connect with. The idea that I'm completely on my own for the most part is so soul-crushing and makes me feel just vile. The idea that the mom that I knew is for all intents and purposes gone, even if she's not dead, is just downright catastrophic for me. There's so many voices in my head that tell me it's my fault, that tell me not to give up on family, that wants to see them on the holidays. But I just realize that's opening me up to more pain.
If I leave them, I'm dealing with the lonliness and giving up my chances of being around the people I love most.
If I stay, I'm just subjecting myself to further abuse and disappointment.
I really can't live with either decision.
Sometimes I really wonder where things went wrong. Or if things were supposed to end up this way from the start. I think even as a kid I was different. I keep thinking about ways I could have handled things but sometimes I wonder if this was all bound to happen.
People tell you so many things when you're young that are impossible to implement as an adult. Be yourself, have conviction, work hard, folllow your dreams. It almost feels sometimes now like I was set up for failure. I know it's not just me. That's the terrifying thing. There's millions of people who are going through the exact same stuff, down to the point that whenenever you read about it or hear it's almost verbatim your exact emotions/experiences. But you would think if there was such a giant problem in society, people might start second-guessing their ways and mindets. But no, everyone seems just fine with the way things are. Suicides keep rising for obvious reasons, practically half of men are single, there's people who could starve to death on the street and nobody would give a damn. It's a really fucked world. And at the end of the day the only thing we get is a "work on yourself".
Sometimes I wonder why I'm still trying. Logically speaking, I have every reason to give up. I have nothing. No family, barely any friends, no romance, minimal job prospects. I'm just alone. The arts, the one field I wanted to work in, have been butchered in front of me. I don't even see a future anymore. I don't even know if I'd have a funeral if I left. I just keep going day by day. It's not out of hope things will get better. Or even spite anymore. I just... can't kill myself. It's almost too much work. And I don't want to hurt my mom and little brother, even if I know I'll never have a good relationship at all with them.
I'll still try to make my film. There's still good things I've acquired recently and the chance for things to be much better in the near future. But when you don't have a family you can rely on. When you get scared of talking to your mom... there's a kind of pain and emptiness there that no amount of beer, porn, faith, fulfillment or money can really cover up.
Sorry for getting all emo. I know this ain't Discord. I guess just seeing all the posts here has reminded me that I'm not alone in the way I feel and in a way that is a lot more painful to think about.
