I wish we had a fairy godfather billionaire willing to buy the Trans Lifeline brand and then staff the call center with Kiwi Farmers. The comedic possibilities would be endless.
SUICIDAL TROON: I've been taking HRT for three years but I look like an ogre with moobs, kids in the neighborhood clock me and laugh at me wherever I go, dogs bark at me...it's all too much and OMG I can't go on!
KF OPERATOR: No worries, ma'am, we've got you. Do you live near a hardware store?
SUICIDAL TROON: A hardware store? I don't...what?
KF OPERATOR: Is there a hardware store nearby? You know, like a Lowes, or even a Walmart?
SUICIDAL TROON: Yes, but--
KF OPERATOR: Okay, it's all okay. We're almost there. Now, how much do you weigh? Try to be as exact as you can. Much depends on it.
SUICIDAL TROON: My weight? 210 pounds, but why--
KF OPERATOR: Hang on, I'm doing the calculations--stay with me, okay? Don't hang up. We need to get this right. We need to be precise.
SUICIDAL TROON: I'm sorry, get what right? Right about what?
KF OPERATOR: Do you own a stool, not like a bar stool but one of those small ones, a step-stool? And don't worry if you don't. Push comes to shove, we can always improvise...
And so on. I envision a big wall-sized poster in the call center reading WE'RE HERE TO HELP! featuring a cute, smiling cartoon beaver giving a thumbs-up and a wink. The beaver is our mascot. His name is Chippy.