How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[Blamo2000]

Oh well, weekend is upon me. Got my beer, got vidya and dungeon synth to vibe to. I'm okay with this.

 

[Doctor John B. Zyklon]

Frankly, I don't know why I'm posting in this thread. In the days of old I'd probably have shit on someone posting in this fashion. Perhaps I've grown softer in recent years, or maybe life has just gotten a bit harder in general.

It's been a hell of a year.

Spoiler: Rough Times

This spring I was about to marry the woman I loved, that I still love, or at least the girl I met, become the legal father to, now, her daughter. Everything was all but legal, she called herself my wife, I was Dad. My "in-laws" knew me as son, part of the family. She and I had names picked out for our future children, which we would begin trying for after the wedding. I was preparing to sell my nice car, as a surprise, and use the money I would get to either put away as part of a down payment on a house or at least a nice big apartment for us. You know, the whole "it's time to put away childish toys and support my family" thing.

But uh, obviously, it didn't work out. Two weeks before our wedding she got scared, claimed she wasn't sure if she could see herself married to me in 3 years, that she didn't "like who she was turning into" with me, and she cheated on me and broke it off. With a guy who sexts under-age girls, no less. Heh. She did this right after we took family photos and made a hand-print "Family Zyklon" painting.

So, I lost my wife and my adopted daughter; the daughter I knew since she was born. Hell I lost the larger family of the in-laws; but at least I had my friends where I live now. I expressed that I wasn't doing so hot, not in a dramatic fashion but as a statement of fact. I just lost everything I had treasured in this world of real value. Figured hey, I don't bitch and moan about anything shitty that happens in my life but uh, this is a big one and I could use my bros. Let's fucking go, right? The previous week I had gone to pull the trigger, in fact I did. But, I apparently didn't carry with a round in the chamber. Thought I did but uh...here we are. I've told no one about that because, le stoic man but context is context.

Instead, I was cut out from the friend group. Maybe that was my fault, I had prioritized my to be wife and daughter over spending time with them on the weekends. It still happened but less. It's always been my experience that when a guy gets into a serious relationship, there will be times where the guy practically falls off the face of the earth. But you always welcome him back, whether it's now he has more free time or it ended poorly. You might rib him a bit, sure, that's expected. But you're bros. You don't toss a guy over him making his family.

I worked with one of these "friends". He turned the workplace into a, man this is faggy to say, toxic environment. Stopped being invited to lunches with the department, bunch of slights during the day, that kind of shit. You know that you'd imagine a bunch of women doing? Full on catty behaviour. Not to besmirch the superior pet. So I hunkered down, focused on my work. Fuck em and all that. I've a job to do and you being a woman isn't going to stop me.

So having no local friends or family I turned to drinking. 15+ shots before bed to fall asleep, I'd go out drinking on the weekends spending 1-2k USD a month on booze. I didn't let the drinking affect my work. I was still there everyday, doing my job as I always had. But it was a nice release. Fun fact: If you load up before bed and pop some sleeping pills, it feels like you're being hugged as you fall asleep.

I also turned to racing, whether against people on the street or through the mountains; as if daring God to let my car careen off the edge or into a wall.

My taste in music drastically changed, or rather expanded. I still don't recognize "me", the person I knew, in what I listen to now. It's weird.

I began to ween myself off booze and sleeping pills. I had, unsurprisingly, gained a lot of weight from drinking. 60ish pounds. I went on a long vacation, using all of my vacation days and for the first time since this began, I had a clear mind. Or, as clear of a mind that I could have. I wasn't drinking or binge eating. I was starting to feel like the "me" I had come to know.

Two weeks after I got back, I was fired. I was told I was meeting all of the goals, performance was fine, bla bla bla. But uh, still fired for "poor performance". The guy previously mentioned was recently promoted; funny that.

So no job, no family, no friends. Wow, life sucks. But for the first time, besides my vacation, I started to feel a bit of relief. I wasn't working with a guy who was making work shitty, I was broke but I was forced to be in a position that change would happen. It had to. In a way, I was finally free.

I was hoping to leave where I am now, but I was blessed with a new job that was a career advancement here, a 25k pay raise, and an awesome group of people to work with. I've begun to lose weight, I'm down 12 pounds this month.

I should boast about the job, I now pay more in taxes than what she earned in a year. I should be happy, right? But even now, all I want to do is say "Mrs. Zyklon, remember how I said I was going to start looking for a new job? Well, I got one, and you can stay home if you want and take care of little Zyklon." But uh, that's not going to happen.

It looks like she may have married the guy, she doesn't look happy like she did when we were together but that's...not really my concern, is it? FWIW, I wasn't looking into that, but it's wild how tied together modern relationships can be. Open venmo to pay someone and you're presented with that. Fun.

I'm not sure if I'm ready to get back out there. I try, but the apps suck, so even with the few dates I've had, I don't find any of them attractive or interesting. She and I just clicked naturally, right off the bat. Always did, but perhaps that isn't normal. I've been thinking of just, going solo for the winter. Focusing on working out, dieting, just self improvement in general.

I know the man I'm meant to be, the Father, the Husband, the Provider; but I don't know who I am supposed or who I need to be right now. I've learned who my actual friends are; the ones who called when they found out, who checked in on me etc. But it sucks that they aren't the friends I had here.

As I look back on it, on her and her life before me, this is just another mistake in a long line of mistakes, she's a mess and objectively a bullet dodged. But I loved her, I could look past the mistakes. We were building a life.

I miss the life I had, the family, the friends but it is what it is, I suppose. You can't keep me down, only I can call it quits and give up. But it was really nice while I had it. Cars, money, booze, racing, none of it does anything for me now. That life really showed me how shallow and meaningless it all is. At least, if you've similar wants as I do.

Anyway uh, thanks for reading the fag post.

 

[spaztocate9000]

Anyway uh, thanks for reading the fag post.

I feel you brother, sounds like a rough time. For the love of god block all of your ex's social accounts, keeping up with that shit is only torturing yourself.

Hope things work out for you, and sounds like you're already on your way to making that happen, just give it time.

thread tax: I'm doing ok. Been stressed but dealing with it. Looking forward to traveling more next summer.

 

[Doctor John B. Zyklon]

I feel you brother, sounds like a rough time. For the love of god block all of your ex's social accounts, keeping up with that shit is only torturing yourself.

Hope things work out for you, and sounds like you're already on your way to making that happen, just give it time.

Yeah, I should have done it earlier. Thankfully she blocked me on a couple but uh, I haven't had the heart / courage to do a thorough cleansing. Going to have a buddy do it. Let me tell you, waking up to google photos prompting "Look at this family memory" has sucked. It's a long road, I've a lot of weight to lose, but I know I can do it. It's a lot easier without having to put up w/ in-law cooking and having to eat it to not be rude.

Looking forward to traveling more next summer.

Same. I'd love to hit Japan next year but uh, paying off my drinking summer will probably put that off another year. Canada is def do-able tho. Assuming they don't go full retard on covid shit again.(still?)

 

[Woodchipper]

It's a mixed bag, frens.
I could justify my weakness a dozen ways but it ultimately comes down to a lack of integrity and willpower. Don't let relapsers ever convince you that the decision was out of their control.
Plenty of potential ahead but I just broke my sobriety streak a few days before my two year marker. I know I don't magically lose that sober time like a full reset and I'm feeling an appropriate level of guilt, so hopefully I get it the fuck together immediately.
Gonna enjoy dangling my feet off the wagon and hopefully redouble my efforts tomorrow.
Will likely seek out an IRL AA meeting.
Please keep me in your prayers.
I am a weak man and everyone in my life deserves better from me

 

[Mary the Goldsmith]

I saw an alligator today, that was cool

 

[BillyREE]

Cold and coughing

 

[Harbinger of Kali Yuga]

One of my friends is completely losing it and another one had been contemplating suicide.

I am completely blackpilled about politics, society, work, friendship, love or the future and the only thing I care about is lifting as much as I can at the gym.

How do you even talk or connect with your average person today? It's all Spiderman this, socialism that, while nigger rap music plays in the background. Everyone is in eternal childhood. Gen Z can barely operate their own goddamn smartphones.

 

[Forsaken Wanderer]

How do you even talk or connect with your average person today? It's all Spiderman this, socialism that, while nigger rap music plays in the background. Everyone is in eternal childhood. Gen Z can barely operate their own goddamn smartphones.

It is incredibly fucked man, ever since the late 90s everyone has been stuck in this irony everything is a joke cant take anything serious mode and you can't have a conversation with anyone without them doing a Bill Mayer one liner joke about it and not giving a fuck, the whole world is a joke to these people.

I'm sure there is no way to connect with anyone anymore, all westerners are brain dead zombies and for white men there is absolutely no reason to live anymore, all I'm living for is to see how this timeline goes and to feed my fat cat.

 

[Star Platinum]

i just don't get it. any of it. if god is up there he must have made an oopsie with me, because either i'm on the wrong planet or i have the wrong DNA.

 

[Johann Gambolputty...]

Okay lesse, how did my day go...well...

I was lying in bed for an hour or more last night trying to shut my brain down. It was too late for melatonin cause I only had 5-6 hours before I had to be up, and I had to get some sleep because I had been up since like 9:30 yesterday morning. I don't actually know how much sleep I got. Major wind storm last night had a tree outside crashing and scraping against the siding just outside my bedroom window, and me without earplugs.

I woke up three minutes after my alarm was supposed to go off. Fucking lucky that cause I neither heard it or felt the vibration of the phone on my bed. But I still got the 'missed alarm' notification.

I didn't add enough coffee to the machine so it was weak as fuck. It's Death Wish espresso grind. It should be punching me in the throat with every sip.

My LTE couldn't connect, and I didn't know it wasn't working until I left the house and tried to use the Internet on the way to work. That's still going on, but at least I have wi-fi here.

When I got to the bus stop, about five minutes before the bus I take to work is scheduled, the sign said it would be another 50 minutes. It's running Saturday schedule as most buses here do on the holidays, but, oh, whoopsie, the holiday was YESTERDAY.

Of course I had to start walking, it's only 15 blocks to work after all. Well, that and the seven to the bus stop. And wouldn't ya just know it, a bus I don't normally ride but that is going the same direction passed me on the way. If I had waited about ten minutes at the stop I could have just rode that one, but I dont know it's schedule, I can't look it up, and I'm already running late. Of course I can't call the supervisor to let him know I'd be running late cause again, no LTE. But I was only 25 minutes late.

I thought it was going to be a somewhat mellow day because everyone would be lined up for the annual capitalist brawl-fest that is black Friday. I had underestimated how many people want a discount pizza after their discount shopping. Had to double my output quick, but I got behind and ended up staying late to finish up as the next shift got started. So that was fun. At least I had a couple cans of Monster to help me through it.

A cop saw me hitting my dab pen as I walked back to the bus stop. He decided to he wanted to teach this here stoned out hippie freak a lesson and gave me a hassle about it. I keep a copy of my medical card in GDrive but again, NO LTE. I was explaining my patient status, I even pulled out the little box the cart came in that has all the information on the pharmacy sticker. No chips, he wanted to see the card. Luckily I remembered I had put another copy in the docs folder on my SD card. So, no ticket, no jail, but I did get to sit 15 minutes freezing my ass off while he called in another car, for a total of him, his partner, and two other cops. Well fuck, you really need to roll that deep on one stoner? Why not call the K-9 too, maybe the SWAT team?

Got back home and discovered just how much damage the wind storm actually did. Fuck that shit, I'll clean it up later.

And now I'm here eating my freezer aisle chicken Alfredo. Actually it's not bad. Not great, but not bad.

That's my day done, I'll go fuck myself now as it seemed to suggest. Thanks for having a place here I can bitch about it. Actually it's kinda cathartic unpacking all of this.

 

[Woodchipper]

I reckon I just went full blown Ralphamale on my woman.
IRL, I'm pretty fucking good to the people I care about. But my grievances just started spilling out, well into the point of being unconstructive.
I can objectively say I've done my best with us but idk if she and I will stand the test of time, especially after laying things out so bluntly. She's a great woman but things are fucked when I'm the voice of reason. Sorry for power leveling, but there is a man behind the shitposts.

https://youtu.be/LE04LgPmY6g?si=caKE9X3LXMbrx3l6

 

[Johann Gambolputty...]

Having read the stuff above about wisdom teeth, I realize how well things are actually going for me. I'm employed, paying for my own shit, and getting higher than eagle cunt on the legal. Also my wisdom teeth came in nearly painlessly and actually closed a couple gaps, so yay, bonus teeth.

Stay frosty, my dudes. A few bad games is no reason to rage-quit.

 

[Tequila Jong]

Alright, actually. I am currently drunk.

Spoiler: Drunkpost

Night work at the factory is going fine, my bosses have been seriously bitching to me about their delivery driver who is seriously lazy and retarded. They've been obviously hinting they're going to sack him and give me his job, since I'm the "best worker they've ever had" - Which suits me fine. Means I get to start at 6am, finish at around 4pm, but since I'm already trained at the factory, I can have all the extra hours I want helping them out after deliveries are done. Compared to my previous cheffing career, this job is easy as all hell. I actually love it. My three month review is a little overdue, so I'm going to ask for a decent increase in my hourly rate too. My parents have hit hard times sadly, so this'll mean I can help them out financially while saving up something for myself too. I hope. Fingers crossed.

Right now I'm living on land owned by my Mother, in my hometown where I grew up. Today she told me she's decided to sell everything, which is a huge surprise, because she's a home bird to the max. Absolutely relentless in "I'm never leaving this place, it's where I was born and it's where I'll fucking die" attitude. My Father has always hated living in this place, and he nearly fell off of his chair when she said she had decided to sell up and leave. I don't blame her in the slightest - The community here is dead. The modernity, tourism and government is arriving and destroying everything in it's path. We're on a massive tourist route, so I hope they get a really good price for everything and can retire in peace. It's a shame to be rid of land that's been in our family since before WWI, but external forces have made life in this place unliveable. My sibling won't be happy, since they're beyond Jew levels of money-hungry, and without the sweet land to sell after my parents death I'm pretty sure they'll be pissed and cut all contact for a while. My mother was terrified of telling me this afternoon, but you could see she was relieved when I gave absolutely zero fucks. I told my parents if my sibling throws a bitch-fit, when they get older and more infirm they can come live with me, Lord knows I've mooched off of them enough in my younger years.

Speaking of which. Mrs. Jong and I are living apart right now - she went back to her home country for her career - and I'm staying here to work for another year until I move next Winter to be with her in her country. I haven't told her yet - we've been discussing where we should move to to be together - but I figure I should take the plunge and commit myself to being with her there. Her country is infinitely better than this one, I already speak the language, and I can see us having a life there together - which I didn't when I was miserable, depressed, and a chef.

Don't let the fuckers drag you down, kiwibros - Especially that fucker in your own head. If ol' Tequila Jong here can find a light at the end of the tunnel-made-of-shit, any one of you fucking can. I know you can do it.

 

[Blobby's Murder Knife]

I met this dude and his wife at church. We had a good conversation and we all exchanged info. The husband was interested in the other parish I alternately attend through another rite. I said I can help you with the liturgy, whatever. Gave him some stuff to read. No big deal, so I thought.

I was simultaneously texting both him and his wife about things regarding both rites and out of the blue the husband suddenly says I have to go through his wife for all things relating to him. I was so assmad about this because I had less than zero interest in him, we had only ever discussed church, and I don't know where such a request would come from or why. I never gave two shits if my ex was talking to another woman or not because I trusted him and him me. Never knew the passwords to each other's phones or SM accounts back many years ago when we bothered to have them. Just the whole idea that some dude I was trying to help would have to go through my ex to get infomation from me about fucking Church, of all things, is absolute lunacy. To me time for a divorce if you trust your SO that little. So against everything I believe about how relationships should work.

Am I wrong to be offended here? I was seriously ready to throw the phone through the wall when I got that text.

 

[Local Fed]

Am I wrong to be offended here? I was seriously ready to throw the phone through the wall when I got that text.

I don't think I would be mad about it. If anything I think it's worth taking neutrally or even positively depending on whatever scenarios you can make up in your mind while trying to muster up an explanation. Sounds like there's some thing on their end which, reasonable or not, is probably stupid and not worth taking personally.

 

[Blobby's Murder Knife]

I don't think I would be mad about it. If anything I think it's worth taking neutrally or even positively depending on whatever scenarios you can make up in your mind while trying to muster up an explanation. Sounds like there's some thing on their end which, reasonable or not, is probably stupid and not worth taking personally.

You are probably right. At any rate, I am not interested in playing those kinds of games and immediately cut off communication with both of them without any further word. It was just so weird. Multiple couples brought me into the church and I would text both sets of spouses independently and there was never any issue. I didn't think there would be one here either. I was sort of blindsided by the whole thing because I really wanted to help both of them out.

 

[bliblblblbbllb]

Happy to say that I've been formally promoted to the job title I was doing anyway. With 0 real qualifications and 100% just doing the shit that needs done and common sense. Within 6 months I literally went from scrubbing toilets to being the second highest paid in my half of the building. Been promoted about every two months wtf.

I was very anti-"bootstraps" growing up, but I dropped out of college to work and look what happened- I make more in my desired field than I would have if I finished my stupid worthless degree. In literally less than 2 years of working. I'm gonna be able to buy a house!!!! And I'm debtfree!!

 

[Ewan McGregor]

How do you even talk or connect with your average person today? It's all Spiderman this, socialism that, while nigger rap music plays in the background. Everyone is in eternal childhood. Gen Z can barely operate their own goddamn smartphones.

I'm afraid you don't.

Pre-Boomers are dying off in disappointment.

Boomers are a depressing bunch that can only talk about retirement and old people stuff while, by all purposes and instances, are trying to set themselves to leave this mortal soil with a bang. Their understanding of the world is outright retarded.

Gen-Xers are one of the most surly, bitter, frustrated mofos around. They are Joker-tier 'want to see the world burn' at this point.

Millenials are gloriously deranged, living a fantasy life of outdated pop-culture, random hookups, booze, weed and retarded politics that is becoming more and more difficult to sustain by the day, as if it was still 2006 and they still were teenagers.

Zoomers are millenials on steroids, they're all collective renditions of Edvard Munch's The Scream living in existential dread without aim or purpose in a world about which the only thing they understand is that it's unfathomably hostile. Since they can't read they are throwing themselves to all sort of grifters on Social Media telling them a comfortable replacement-religion dogma about how they should live their lives.

 

[Monika H.]

Yesterday we received our brand new bed and wife and I slept like babies.
We had to butcher the old one to accomodate my health issues and wife had to sleep on a separate bed.

Felt good sleeping together and comfortably, without me waking her up with my nausea or pains.