I miss my wife (
self.MtF)
submitted 1 year ago by
MohnJilton rans Bisexual
My wife and I separated 8 months ago when I came out as trans. For various financial reasons we still live together but she couldn’t be more distant. She never wants to talk or do anything. She started going on dates with men just three months into our separation. She has already caught feelings for some other guys and I can tell based on what she has said that her new sexual experiences are much more fulfilling than when she was with me, which I guess is unsurprising but it still hurts.
I want to be happy seeing her happy with other people, but I’m not.
I feel like a bitch for feeling so jealous but I just can’t stomach her having feelings for other people. Everything she is feeling for them, she used to feel for me and more, and it was treasured to me. And when I finally told her who I am in the truest sense, she rejected it. Like the only thing that could make her not love me was being myself. I don’t see how I could ever heal from that, from the person I love more than anyone else in the world telling me she doesn’t want me as I really am. I know she is straight and it isn’t her fault, just like it isn’t my fault for being trans, but it doesn’t make it any less sore.
I get sad and cry in my room and I just wish more than anything that she would come in and hold me. But she won’t and she never will again. We will never lay next to each other again on our phones, just sharing space together. Or text back and forth about our days with each other. It feels like a massive part of my life just vanished abruptly. And it’s not like she’s dead. She’s right there in the other room. I could just burst in and tell her how I feel, how much I miss her and need her and love her, how much I want to save this with every fiber of my being. But she already knows all of that. It wouldn’t change anything. She can’t love
me, only the body I was in.
To her, everything I ever said to her, every poem I ever wrote for her, came from somebody else. She tells me it feels like her husband is dead and that I am a different person,
which is so hurtful because I am still me, I am still the same and I have barely even changed except for my hair and clothes.
She tells me she feels like no one will ever want her like I did again, which stings because I still want her. I want her now and I want her forever. I want her to make me blueberry pancakes on Saturday mornings like she used to, I want her to go to musicals and plays with me. I want her to find another pretentious artisan pizza restaurant to go to with me because the one we liked closed down. I want her body next to mine when I go to sleep. I want to exchange thoughtful anniversary gifts or go on road trips or complain about our families. All of that is dust now.
What am I supposed to do about that? Why is there no answer except to just be sad? Why does healing have to be just sitting around in your pain until you get used to it enough to get on? Why did I have to be trans? Why did I have to love someone with everything I have who couldn’t love me? What am I supposed to do with all of this? I am trying to write term papers and proposals and article drafts as the semester winds down, trying to get on with my PhD. And I don’t see how I can do it. How could anyone?