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It has come to my attention that many of you have to interact with white people on a regular basis. You have so many interactions with white people at your job or in your social network or maybe even in your family that now you have to get some of these white people a holiday gift. And some of you are freaking out. Yes, I know, it pains you and me both very deeply to buy gifts for white people when those very same wypipo owe us A LOT of money in reparations. But I’m putting that aside for now because many of you have asked me, “What do I get the whites in my life?” (Many people asked the question and did not use the word “whites.”) I am here with some ideas.
1. The Super Soul Pack of seasonings from Soul Fit Grill. We know white people don’t season their food. Give ’em this pack of seven seasonings, and they’ll have a variety of spices from a Black-owned company right at their little white fingertips. There are a lot of Black-owned seasoning companies that you could try. If you spice up their little white lives, every time they eat, they’ll thank you.
2. Tickets to see the awesome “Renaissance: A Film by Beyoncé” because they, too, need to see the brilliance, determination, beauty and ferocity of our queen.
3. An invitation to the cookout. I don’t mean that in the way that you think. I hear the way Black folk say, “Ooh, that white boy does whatever really good so he’s got an invitation to the cookout.” That ish is so corny, y’all. No white person deserves an invitation to the cookout. Not even if they’re your spouse. It’s supposed to be the Blackity Blackest event ever. It’s where we all come together as a family. No white person could ever do anything to deserve an invitation to that.
I’m saying you should give them an actual written invitation to “the cookout.” White people know that we sometimes mention an epic cookout and sometimes we say certain white people can come. You’re going to use that little bit of knowledge against them. You mock up an official-looking invitation to the cookout. Do it the way we do it. Put a picture of Dr. King on there wearing a gold chain. Write “Da Cookout.” Provide a time and an address. Then, when the time, the place and the white person all come together, you and your Black friends will be gathered together in the distance, hiding and watching this poor white person stumble around in an empty space, looking for the cookout, while you and your Black friends point and laugh about how stupid that white person was to think that they would ever be invited to the cookout. That could be amazing content for TikTok. I know what you’re saying. Um, Touré, this idea seems to have shifted from a gift into an elaborate prank. And what I’m saying is: What’s your point?
4. Noise-canceling headphones from Raycon. It’s a Black-founded company, and when they’re in those headphones it’s you who’s doing the noise-canceling. You’re canceling the noise from their mouths.
5. Ralph Ellison’s “Invisible Man.” This is still one of the best books about the Black experience. It’s also an amazing piece of art. Also if we have to read all about their culture then they damn sure have to read ours. If you’re a white person in my life, you can’t be clueless about my culture. You have to make an effort to know some Black cultural history because Black culture is an incredibly important part of America. Also acceptable: Toni Morrison’s “Song of Solomon,” James Baldwin’s “The Fire Next Time” and Touré’s “Soul City.” SO many options.
6. Michael Harriot’s “Black AF History.” This is American history from a Black perspective written by a truly brilliant person who was an amazing guest on my podcast, “Touré Show.” Michael’s book will change the way you see this country’s past.
7. A Colin Kaepernick jersey. On the card write this: If you don’t put it on right now, I’ll know you’re racist.
8. Overall, I want all of us to give them the gift of our unapologetic Blackness. We won’t hesitate to say something because it might make them uncomfortable. We won’t hesitate to be our true selves even if it scares them. A wise person once said it’s cool to be able to code switch, but if you’re code switching to protect white feelings, that’s wack. The wise person who said that is me. The point is, this year, let’s give them the gift of the real us. Say things like, “You know you owe me money for reparations, right? Yes, you do so you better take the bass out of your voice before I call my lawyer. Did you see that ‘Atlanta’ episode about reparationswhere Black people sued white people and won? No? What do you mean you didn’t watch ‘Atlanta’? What is wrong with you? I want my money now!”
Happy holidays everybody!
Holiday gifts for white people even though they owe us reparations so they really don’t deserve any gifts at all
It has come to my attention that many of you have to interact with white people on a regular basis. You have so many interactions with white people at your job or in your social network or maybe even in your family that now you have to get some of these white people a holiday gift. And some of you are freaking out. Yes, I know, it pains you and me both very deeply to buy gifts for white people when those very same wypipo owe us A LOT of money in reparations. But I’m putting that aside for now because many of you have asked me, “What do I get the whites in my life?” (Many people asked the question and did not use the word “whites.”) I am here with some ideas.
1. The Super Soul Pack of seasonings from Soul Fit Grill. We know white people don’t season their food. Give ’em this pack of seven seasonings, and they’ll have a variety of spices from a Black-owned company right at their little white fingertips. There are a lot of Black-owned seasoning companies that you could try. If you spice up their little white lives, every time they eat, they’ll thank you.
2. Tickets to see the awesome “Renaissance: A Film by Beyoncé” because they, too, need to see the brilliance, determination, beauty and ferocity of our queen.
3. An invitation to the cookout. I don’t mean that in the way that you think. I hear the way Black folk say, “Ooh, that white boy does whatever really good so he’s got an invitation to the cookout.” That ish is so corny, y’all. No white person deserves an invitation to the cookout. Not even if they’re your spouse. It’s supposed to be the Blackity Blackest event ever. It’s where we all come together as a family. No white person could ever do anything to deserve an invitation to that.
I’m saying you should give them an actual written invitation to “the cookout.” White people know that we sometimes mention an epic cookout and sometimes we say certain white people can come. You’re going to use that little bit of knowledge against them. You mock up an official-looking invitation to the cookout. Do it the way we do it. Put a picture of Dr. King on there wearing a gold chain. Write “Da Cookout.” Provide a time and an address. Then, when the time, the place and the white person all come together, you and your Black friends will be gathered together in the distance, hiding and watching this poor white person stumble around in an empty space, looking for the cookout, while you and your Black friends point and laugh about how stupid that white person was to think that they would ever be invited to the cookout. That could be amazing content for TikTok. I know what you’re saying. Um, Touré, this idea seems to have shifted from a gift into an elaborate prank. And what I’m saying is: What’s your point?
4. Noise-canceling headphones from Raycon. It’s a Black-founded company, and when they’re in those headphones it’s you who’s doing the noise-canceling. You’re canceling the noise from their mouths.
5. Ralph Ellison’s “Invisible Man.” This is still one of the best books about the Black experience. It’s also an amazing piece of art. Also if we have to read all about their culture then they damn sure have to read ours. If you’re a white person in my life, you can’t be clueless about my culture. You have to make an effort to know some Black cultural history because Black culture is an incredibly important part of America. Also acceptable: Toni Morrison’s “Song of Solomon,” James Baldwin’s “The Fire Next Time” and Touré’s “Soul City.” SO many options.
6. Michael Harriot’s “Black AF History.” This is American history from a Black perspective written by a truly brilliant person who was an amazing guest on my podcast, “Touré Show.” Michael’s book will change the way you see this country’s past.
7. A Colin Kaepernick jersey. On the card write this: If you don’t put it on right now, I’ll know you’re racist.
8. Overall, I want all of us to give them the gift of our unapologetic Blackness. We won’t hesitate to say something because it might make them uncomfortable. We won’t hesitate to be our true selves even if it scares them. A wise person once said it’s cool to be able to code switch, but if you’re code switching to protect white feelings, that’s wack. The wise person who said that is me. The point is, this year, let’s give them the gift of the real us. Say things like, “You know you owe me money for reparations, right? Yes, you do so you better take the bass out of your voice before I call my lawyer. Did you see that ‘Atlanta’ episode about reparationswhere Black people sued white people and won? No? What do you mean you didn’t watch ‘Atlanta’? What is wrong with you? I want my money now!”
Happy holidays everybody!
