Other trans women have hurt me more than cis people ever could
submitted 1 day ago * by
WeirdoInAHoodie Transgender Woman (she/her)
I've been transitioning for about 5 years, and I feel like the most harm has been done to me by other trans women.
I am full time, I've voice trained, I am on hormones and I am in the process of getting facial feminization surgery. And yet, over these years (especially in the early years), the people which have torn me down the most were not transphobic cis people but other trans women. I was told to be wary of "hugboxing" and to avoid the "toxic positivity" of spaces dominated by "trenders", so I did. I found myself torn down, every detail of body and desires scrutinized and almost all joy of making this positive change in my life systemically drained.
I have ratios and numbers drilled into me about my bones for why I am ugly. I hate myself for not being straight and feel guilty anytime I ever feel anything for a woman, and can't hit on anyone without feeling sickness. Anytime I look in the mirror and see a girl I have to remind myself of all the imperfections other trans women pointed out to "bring myself back to reality" and avoid the dreaded "honfidance".
I can pass consistently, even getting "ma'am" in a conservative area when in a baggy coat, covered and sweat and speaking out of breath, and afterwards only feel upset at how this random person was clearly just being nice to me. Every time I look down at my dick in the shower and feel fine, I remind myself that I am not a real transsexual hurting other trans people by not getting an invasive surgery that I am scared of and dont even want. Whenever I dress like anything other than the most generic White girl imaginable, I feel horrible for "seeking attention" and dressing how I want instead of just dressing like a "normal girl". When a my loved ones or friends or even a random stranger calls me pretty, or a few months ago when a random man calls me "the most beautiful woman I've ever seen", I feel absolutely nothing. No "gender euphoria", no plain old happiness, no pride, just a pang of pain and a reminder that everyone from my loved one to strangers at the store are liars. Whenever a photo looks good, I immediately compare it mentally or literally to "real trans girls" to remind myself how ugly I am. I
f I am having fun painting miniatures, or creating fan content for my favorite fictional universe, or playing video games, that voice in the back of my head nags at me and tells me to feel shame over my malebrained interests which bring me joy. Whenever I am reminded of my autism, it is accompanied by a reminder that this means I am just one of those transbian malebrained hon, that I will never be like the "real girls" (Trans or otherwise) due to my defective brain.
None of this came about from cis people. Sure some were horrible, some would call me slurs, my family horribly abused me in every sense of the word, I had a drink thrown at me from a moving car once. But I got over that. What I didn't get over were the "transsexuals", "real" trans women, interrogating and tearing down every aspect of myself during the most vulnerable period of my life.
To the extent my therapist tells me I have body dysmorphia, that this hate is so deeply ingrained in me that I hallucinate when I see my face and body.
There is no block of "mean transsexuals" to hate. These people were of varied beliefs, some were young and lucky and others were bitter and old. But they shared that sharp tongue, that contempt for me and the "other trans people" who were seen as even lesser than me. Every surgery making them better than everyone else, people less lucky than them not people who have shared their struggle but hons and babytrans trenders to be mocked. They think they have this inherent gender essence, which can be described as a medical condition or only vaguely alluded to, which the other lesser trans women do not. These people, and people like them, are not helping trans people. They are not guarding the gate, they are not making society less transphobic, they are not any better or more valid than other "trenders". They are misery machines. And if you are like that, and I say this with no ill will and hoping you live a happy life:
I hate you. You're the reason I can't look in the mirror.
Where do the based hons hang?
